Abuse from Parents

[taylorali]

Hi All,

So just recently many of your know that I've been going through withdrawal from my pain medication after surgery.

I have been out of work for months now-I was laid off at the end of December due to Hurricane Sandy-and cannot support myself right now as you are not allowed to collect unemployment while on disability-which I will be on until March 14th.

My parents have had to support me monetarily during this time. They've had to pay for my medications, food, any hospital bills, etc.

As they have been doing this, they have been holding these things over my head like bait. I already suffer from severe anxiety due to my illness & depression-that I was diagnosed with at 21, but I literally feel trapped.

My mom will literally call me up and scream at me and call me horrible names. Every single time she does it, I go into full panic mode and don't know how to handle it. I try to take deep breathes and walk away from it, but she sends me emails/facebook messages/gets my siblings to turn against me. Tells me I'll amount to nothing.

My Dad is even worse.

I guess my question is, when you're waiting for your disability to clear, how can I get them to stop doing this to me? I just feel like I am completely lost with nothing.

I am lucky to have the support of my fiance-but his job at the moment cannot cover both of our expenses. It is just such a hard time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to break-and going through withdrawal at the same time makes it 100% worse.

Thanks for any response.

 

[Gculk]

I wrote a big text wall with my sob story. Then I realized it probably won't help you, so I'm going to be horribly blunt.

You most likely can't make them stop doing this. The only way around this is simply, and I know how hard it is, to ignore them.

I'm not going to say that they are right (pro-tip, they aren't). I want you to put yourself in their shoes. Not your mind in their shoes. I want you to put yourself in their mindset, in good health (physically and mentall) (you remember what it's like to be like that? I do, it was 4 fucking days ago. How sour do I feel that I'm feeling like shit again?) and try and picture someone that's hard up.

It's impossible. It doesn't compute unless you've felt that helplessness.

Now, when I said ignore them, I didn't mean to just listen while they prattle on about how much of a welfare bum you are. I mean actively ignore them. Hang up on them as soon as their tune gets a bit snippy. Block them (and anyone) who is a pain in the ass on facebook.

I promise you, you aren't an asshole for blocking, or hanging up on someone who's badmouthing you.

Take care
Nathan

 

[taylorali]

Well I do appreciate your bluntness actually.

I know I have to let go, but it is so hard-as I am sure you know-when you just want your parents approval/support during the hard stuff.

I actually deactivated my facebook account today. I literally cannot handle the abuse anymore. It's just so hard to deal with the loss of your parents when they're still alive.

Oh and just for notes sake-my Dad's a raging alcoholic who left my mom when I was 18, right out of high school. He destroyed my mom's spirit. It comes back in flashes, but he basically ripped her to shreds of her former self-and I think I get the brunt of that a lot because I'm very sensitive & vulnerable. Especially bc of this disease.

It sucks when people know who to pick on because of that.

Time to start thinking of my health and not their approval.

 

[Ihurt]

I am so sorry Taylorali. No one should have to go through that. Gculk is right, you are not going to be able to change some things, especially people and how they act. I mean if your mom calls you and starts in on you with the name calling, simply just tell her you have to go, you will talk to her later. I mean stress is no good, especially when your sick. Avoid people who are causing you stress and anxiety. Surround yourself with the ones who are supportive. I mean you have this board( a lot of people on here can relate to what you are going through). Also sounds like you have a supportive Fiance, so that is good.

I do understand that you feel obligated due to your parents having to pay your bills, but I am sorry, that is NO excuse for your parents to treat you like this. That is uncalled for. So in order not to burn any bridges, just be diplomatic when you talk to your mom. Like I said, when she starts up, just kindly tell her you have to go and you will talk to her later. Take deep breathes and try and relax. If you feel a panic attack happening or anxiety is getting the best of you, just sit in a quiet place and just take some deep breathes and try and think good thoughts.. That or listen to some relaxing music.. Hang in there hon, it will get better...

Well I do appreciate your bluntness actually.

I know I have to let go, but it is so hard-as I am sure you know-when you just want your parents approval/support during the hard stuff.

I actually deactivated my facebook account today. I literally cannot handle the abuse anymore. It's just so hard to deal with the loss of your parents when they're still alive.

Oh and just for notes sake-my Dad's a raging alcoholic who left my mom when I was 18, right out of high school. He destroyed my mom's spirit. It comes back in flashes, but he basically ripped her to shreds of her former self-and I think I get the brunt of that a lot because I'm very sensitive & vulnerable. Especially bc of this disease.

It sucks when people know who to pick on because of that.

Time to start thinking of my health and not their approval.

 

[KazT17]

Show them this thread? I hope you feel better soon and they back off xxx

 

[taylorali]

I think that might make things worse actually..

Anytime I try to explain to my mom how I am feeling/why what she is doing is hurting me-she turns it into "the world does not revolve around me," or "you're being such a brat." And my Dad tells me to be an adult and suck it up.

I think I have to be independent of them-somehow.

 

[Ihurt]

That is so awful. I think your parents should have to walk in your shoes for awhile and see just how hard it is dealing with a awful disease like crohns. To say suck it up and deal with it is pretty rough and easily said( usually by someone who has NO health issues!).

It sounds like your mom and dad and just not that understanding. So sorry you are dealing with all this..

I think that might make things worse actually..

Anytime I try to explain to my mom how I am feeling/why what she is doing is hurting me-she turns it into "the world does not revolve around me," or "you're being such a brat." And my Dad tells me to be an adult and suck it up.

I think I have to be independent of them-somehow.

 

[723crossroads]

I am so sorry Taylorali. No one should have to go through that. Gculk is right, you are not going to be able to change some things, especially people and how they act. I mean if your mom calls you and starts in on you with the name calling, simply just tell her you have to go, you will talk to her later. I mean stress is no good, especially when your sick. Avoid people who are causing you stress and anxiety. Surround yourself with the ones who are supportive. I mean you have this board( a lot of people on here can relate to what you are going through). Also sounds like you have a supportive Fiance, so that is good.

I do understand that you feel obligated due to your parents having to pay your bills, but I am sorry, that is NO excuse for your parents to treat you like this. That is uncalled for. So in order not to burn any bridges, just be diplomatic when you talk to your mom. Like I said, when she starts up, just kindly tell her you have to go and you will talk to her later. Take deep breathes and try and relax. If you feel a panic attack happening or anxiety is getting the best of you, just sit in a quiet place and just take some deep breathes and try and think good thoughts.. That or listen to some relaxing music.. Hang in there hon, it will get better...

Or pray!!!! God hears all our prayers and loves us all!!!:heart:

 

[Ya noy]

Show them this thread? I hope you feel better soon and they back off xxx

No, no no! With a extremely judgement, verbally abusive individual who imagines they know everything, it would only fuel the flames.

My parents are divorced and my dad's the same way--and I've never even gone to him for ANY financial support either, and wouldn't either. Doesn't matter, he's just an abusive person. He's even been compelled into anger management classes by court order, not that it's done any good.

Attempting to reason or argue with him is pointless. When he starts to get abusive, I just keep repeating, I have to go, have an appointment, bye bye now, and hang up. Then I check the caller ID first, and just don't answer his calls for a couple of weeks. I'll call him back, but only to play "phone tag" instead, returning his calls at times I know he won't be home, so I can leave a message--telling him I'm really busy, won't be available for a few days, and will call him back when I have more time.

He's not an idiot, and is perfectly aware of what I'm doing. But this gives him time to reflect on his actions, so that when we finally do talk again, he's more civil--for a while anyway.

His girlfriend's confined in me that she finds my tactics rather amusing--because she does the same exact thing.

My dad was an inner city police officer for 20 years, which probably a lot to do with it. So I don't hold it against him, but am not about to put up with it either.

Yes, it would be nice if he was different, but no one has the power to change another person. We can only change ourselves. So what I changed was the way in which I deal with his abusive nature.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all that.

 

[723crossroads]

No, no no! With a extremely judgement, verbally abusive individual who imagines they know everything, it would only fuel the flames.

My parents are divorced and my dad's the same way--and I've never even gone to him for ANY financial support either, and wouldn't either. Doesn't matter, he's just an abusive person. He's even been compelled into anger management classes by court order, not that it's done any good.

Attempting to reason or argue with him is pointless. When he starts to get abusive, I just keep repeating, I have to go, have an appointment, bye bye now, and hang up. Then I check the caller ID first, and just don't answer his calls for a couple of weeks. I'll call him back, but only to play "phone tag" instead, returning his calls at times I know he won't be home, so I can leave a message--telling him I'm really busy, won't be available for a few days, and will call him back when I have more time.

He's not an idiot, and is perfectly aware of what I'm doing. But this gives him time to reflect on his actions, so that when we finally do talk again, he's more civil--for a while anyway.

His girlfriend's confined in me that she finds my tactics rather amusing--because she does the same exact thing.

My dad was an inner city police officer for 20 years, which probably a lot to do with it. So I don't hold it against him, but am not about to put up with it either.

Yes, it would be nice if he was different, but no one has the power to change another person. We can only change ourselves. So what I changed was the way in which I deal with his abusive nature.

I'm really sorry you have to go through all that.

GREAT ADVICE!!! Avoidance therapy!

 

[mflaum]

Sounds like your parents have more problems with themselves than with you. Just remember that this is only temporary. Put up with their BS for a little bit longer and then speak your mind to them when you are done with asking for $$$.

Follow the advice of others and try to limit your time on the phone with them.

 

[Gculk]

Oh yeah, one more thing. Money, it's one of those things that when you really need it, you can't earn it for yourself. Don't be ashamed of getting help, even if they (whoever they may be) bitch and moan at you. It is what it is, if you're sick, and you need money, and someone will give it to you, take it.

Most people here would offer the same help, so it isn't anything but humble to take the help if offered, even if you must prompt the offer with a question.

If someone is giving you their hard earned money it's their choice. On giving it to you, one would assume that they are acknowledging that you deserve help, and are unable to do it for yourself.

Tell me if I'm making sense, if not I can clear it up a bit.

Nathan

 

[taylorali]

I understand-I just feel like I let them keep doing what they are doing because they are giving me money. I don't want to feel like I owe anything to them especially when all they do is hurt me. If that makes any sense.

I filed for disability just recently and hopefully that will go through and I will get some money and be able to be on my own for awhile. My fiance is looking into getting a better job and I am hoping that will happen too. I've been able to avoid phone calls/emails/facebook messages for two days now. It's just very difficult-especially because before I got sick, my mom & I were best friends.

Well, before my parents decided to get a divorce (10 YEARS AGO), my mom and I were closer than close. She was everything to me. We had the most amazing relationship and I miss it so much. My dad walked out on my family for another woman-and it broke my mom. So it's very hard. She's just so mean and horrible to me now. It doesn't matter that I'm sick. I guess she is just broken herself, not that it excuses what she's doing.

They still fight almost every single day about money and I cannot wait to be independent of them so I can tell them to leave me out of it!

Thank you guys for all the advice. It means the world to me that you took the time out to read what I had to say.

 

[723crossroads]

Hon,
I wish there were some way you could sit down with your Mom and tell her how much her frienship meant to you in the past and how much it would mean now becaue of your illness. Wish I lived closer, I'd try to help you by being a friend. I can only wish you the best and pray for things to get better. God does care and loves each one of us. Call out to Him. I am sending you a giant Mama bear hug Taylor!!!:heart::hug:

 

[Gculk]

That makes perfect sense to me.

Unless it's structured as a loan, and you've agreed to pay it back, it's a straight up helping hand. It's hard to accept that because you don't want to be in the position to need help - nobody does. But that's how life deals it sometimes.

If you didn't need it, you wouldn't take it. A bank won't give you this sort of support (you are young, so I'm going to assume you don't own a home to leverage, and I wouldn't suggest it even if you did).

Don't feel guilty or indebted. It's a favor. If roles were reversed, I'm guessing you would do it for them.

Sorry to hear that your relationship with your mom has suffered so much. =[

Why are they still in each other's finances if they're divorced, if you don't mind me asking?

Best of luck
Nathan

 

[taylorali]

Hon,
I wish there were some way you could sit down with your Mom and tell her how much her frienship meant to you in the past and how much it would mean now becaue of your illness. Wish I lived closer, I'd try to help you by being a friend. I can only wish you the best and pray for things to get better. God does care and loves each one of us. Call out to Him. I am sending you a giant Mama bear hug Taylor!!!:heart::hug:

You are so sweet. Thank you so much I do call out to him, a lot lately. My soon to be mother in law just gave me her "communion" cross from when she was a little girl and a St. Jude prayer book (saint of lost causes.) It is so special to me and I've been wearing it all day, everyday. I am lucky to have her support & my fiance's family. They're so amazing. :heart:

 

[taylorali]

Why are they still in each other's finances if they're divorced, if you don't mind me asking?

That's a really good question. As it turns out, when my dad left-my mom had never had a full time job outside of taking care of us. So, in court she was awarded child support (I have two younger siblings & 1 older brother), alimony and a lot of it. When the economy pretty much crashed-(my dad works in foreign exchange) my dad literally just stopped paying my mom. Even though it has been ordered by three judges, appeals court, and a whole slue of other people, he still pays her little to nothing. The next step is he's going to end up in jail for it all. He lives in a 3 million dollar house mind you with his girlfriend, dog, and a goose. (Yes, a goose!)

So my mom is bitter and angry and since I am the most sensitive & vulnerable thanks to this disease.. I become the easiest target unfortunately. :ack:

 

[tiloah]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. As others have said, you cannot change their behavior. Only they can do that. All you can do is try not to take it on yourself. It's not your fault and it really has nothing to do with you. They are wrapped up in their own problems and taking it out on you. I don't know how you can become independent of them, but that absolutely must happen. But until you are able to, try to take it easy on yourself. Don't blame yourself and try to accept the fact that you need help from them even though they aren't treating you well. It might seem impossible right now, but you will get to a point where you can distance yourself from their abuse. I imagine counseling is an impossibility right now, but as soon as you would be able to do it I would highly recommend it. Take care of yourself. Never forget that you are worth it.

 

[Gculk]

So my mom is bitter and angry and since I am the most sensitive & vulnerable thanks to this disease.. I become the easiest target unfortunately. :ack:

Aint that always the way?

Sad though, people dodging their obligations. Hope your mom gets every cent that she deserves. If she gets the goose, you've gotta invite me down for goose dinner though. We got a deal?

 

[723crossroads]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. As others have said, you cannot change their behavior. Only they can do that. All you can do is try not to take it on yourself. It's not your fault and it really has nothing to do with you. They are wrapped up in their own problems and taking it out on you. I don't know how you can become independent of them, but that absolutely must happen. But until you are able to, try to take it easy on yourself. Don't blame yourself and try to accept the fact that you need help from them even though they aren't treating you well. It might seem impossible right now, but you will get to a point where you can distance yourself from their abuse. I imagine counseling is an impossibility right now, but as soon as you would be able to do it I would highly recommend it. Take care of yourself. Never forget that you are worth it.

Great advice!!!!!