"Black" Moods

[Pirate]

Its raining here today and I hate it. Its one of those days that I get into one of those "black" moods as I have come to call them. I feel depressed and tired and have the old feelings of why me.
I've been up since 2:30 with anxiety attacks, my body feels like its going to explode and nothing I do can stop it. Its one of those days when I wish it would.
Funny how you can tell when things are going to happen because you've learned to read the signs. We went to our granddaughter's 3rd birthday yesterday and I had so much fun playing with her and her little sister, Peaches. But towards the evening I started getting a little depressed and shaky so I came home as I don't like the kids see my when I get in these moods. Janis stayed and had our son bring her home later so that I might get a little bit of sleep to see if that would help.
(Sob) I don't know how well I can handle these attacks again. Its been so long that I have had them that its almost new to me. I don't want Janis to have to go through this again. At times I'm not a nice person when I am going thru this and I can't bare the thoughts of hurting her feelings. I can only hope that this is a passing thing and that it is going to go away and not happen again for quite some time.
I know I'm rambling but I have to let it loose to see if maybe things will turn around a little bit. God I don't want to go back to the old days again. I really get scared thinking of what I was like back than and not knowing if I am stronger today than I was than.
PLEASE GOD DONT DO THIS TO ME AGAIN!!!!

 

[Crohn's 35]

Oh my, Pirate, you sounded like me last week when all my scariest feelings were coming back from my first really bad signs of Crohns, it was a couple of weeks of pain and couldn't control it and I usually can. You could have a condition called SAD? Alot of people get that when it is winter time. There are some solutions. Being mixed with coping of symptoms really is hard. I had a grumpy and short temper with my hubby and I dont know how he he doesnt lash out back... But I end up apologizing for being very short with him, and I needed some time alone.

Well I have the time alone and even after my scope and nothing much has "changed" same ulcers, well I havent suffered as much in the last year. AT least no narrowing. I know all this wears us all down from time to time, and I try to hide how I feel because my husband is at work but he can tell.. I thank God everyday for him, and in the same breath, what have I done to deserve all this pain???

Janis will understand but I see you dont want to worry her. We are both lucky we have very understanding spouses and you have to fight, fight dammit, I am!!! Ok, I am trying. I let it out yesterday on my trail walk... ((Hugs))

 

[imisspopcorn]

I am so so sorry my swash buckling friend....(((hugs))) to you and Janis.....I just want to tell you a little secret (a limerick a day, keeps the doctor away) It works like a trick. Laughing and being silly helps brighten my mood
....Don't get too down on yourself. Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep as well....

 

[Jerman]

Hey Pirate, as you know I am familiar with the black moods, and the anxiety that comes with it. I too have snapped at family members just out of frustration and pain,then instantly regretted grumping at them. My wife is a tremendously (ahem ) strong willed woman. She knows when it is the pain talking, sometimes she reacts very compassionately but other times she tells me where to put my crabby attitude. I have always had some level of depression but have never had the level of these moods that I have in this past year. When I get to this level i need some alone time so that i don't share the wealth with all. I hope that you are feeling better soon, hang in there my friend.

 

[Peaches]

((hugs)) Greg. Just from "knowing" you on this forum - I feel like you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I pray that this "mood" will pass quickly for you and the sun will come back out and shine on your parade. Try and listen to some music that normally lifts your spirits and see if that helps. Or - watch a really stupid funny movie and see if that helps. Anything that might distract you if only for a little bit from "staying in that place" ok buddy!

 

[Guestly]

Hey Pirate. I was a total bitch to my family yesterday. It was a grey, wet day, my bum wasn't being nice to me and I just had rage bubbling up inside me.

Even when I was snapping I knew I was being unreasonable. I complained about the kids talking through a movie on the telly even though I wasn't even watching it, and I completely lost the plot with my husband when he farted... I mean... I have no room to complain about things like that do I?

By bedtime I was tearful and grumpy, was never gonna get remission/ employment/ hair/ my life back again.

Hubby had to give me a stern pep talk.

I do think the miserable weather can drag us down, and I hope for you that this was simply the minor blip of a pissy day.

Hugs and best wishes x

lishyloo x

 

[shazamataz]

Oh Greg, sorry you are feeling like this, I can totally relate and it sucks! I am sure you will get through it as you are such a strong character. We all love you here so vent away and we'll send you lots of ((((HUGS))))

 

[Pirate]

Thanks Guys for the words of encouragement. Janis and I have spent the last 6-7 hrs just talking. We took a walk when the rain let up and talked about our life together. I know at times I get depressed because I feel that I haven't given her the life she deserves. I know it is just the depression causing insecurities and that she doesn't care about anything other than my health and our life however it turns out.
Something about just being able to just hold hands and talk about life with the person you have more love for than words can ever describe.
Things are looking better. Still not perfect but looking better

 

[Peaches]

Janis is your medicine ;o)

 

[Tan]

I can totally relate at the moment... Im really struggling too these last few days I have always generally been a positive person but when you are feeling this crappy its just impossible to be. Im feeling very down and depressed wondering why I got this horrible disease.. sorry this is bout you not me (will have to do my own thread shortly) but know where you are coming from. I really hope this is just a passing moment for you Greg. Good luck buddy.

 

[Pirate]

Yeah. She actually told me to post my OP. She has a knack of reading these moods and whether to leave to myself or to talk me through it. By getting me to post what was going on she was able to get me to get my head going in the right direction.
She used you guys to be able to help her get me to open up. She did it in a good way because she knows how much this forum and all you guys mean to me. She has sat beside me so many time reading everybodies stories and humor that she understands why I come here.
She said to thank-you all for the help.She says you guys are great and wishes everyone the best.

 

[Pirate]

Thanks Tanya.
I hope things work out for you.
This depression kinda surprised me cause normally it only hits when I'm having a flare. I have been doing great since just after the New Year and have had no pain.
That makes me wonder why it happened.

 

[tamesis]

Greg, i'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm glad to hear you had a good talk with Janis, and hope this is just a passing thing for you. I really hope it is not your anxiety coming back, as i can tell from your post just how much you hate that feeling. I can completely relate to feeling like you're not allowing Janis a good enough life, i have been feeling that every day....i feel like i'm ruining our marriage before it's gotten off the ground. However, i can tell that Janis loves you more than anything, and wants nothing more than to be there for you," in sickness and in health, through richer and poorer, as long as you both shall live"

**Hugs** to you, and wishes that you can kick this soon.

 

[Tan]

Yes I know what you mean Pam I too say to Jamie what if this is all there is do you really want to stick around for this!! He always says that he is in it for the long haul and loves me and we will take each day as it comes.
Im glad you have such a lovely and understanding wife Greg as I can see it has gotten you far with this disease.

 

[Samantha]

I'm sorry you're feeling blue Pirate! It's great that you can talk to your wife and not close up, which is what I tend to do.
As far as you not feeling like you have given her the life she deserves, I bet she wouldn't change it! She loves you and life is a funny thing, if it wasn't this who knows what else it would have been? Life has these curved balls!

 

[Pirate]

Thanks everyone. Today is back to normal. I really feel like my old self.

 

[Tan]

Thats great Greg glad to hear it... now just have to sort myself out!

 

[Crohn's 35]

I am so happy you are happy... I missed it when you arent making me laugh, I need that from you! Laughter is the best medicine. I am coming out of my funk too , it hurts a little less everyday,,, keeping busy helps too.!

 

[Tan]

I actually ate lunch today and kept it down.. yah for me!!! Things maybe starting to look up... but not getting ahead of myself just yet. I have notice that my shorts are already looser on me after only a few days of being sick.. not good.

 

[tamesis]

Greg, i'm so happy to hear that you're feeling better today!

 

[pain in the butt]

So sorry to hear what you were going through got to post a bit late . You where there for me and I missed yours sorry. But sure glad things are going better.(HUGS)

 

[shazamataz]

Yay for feeling better