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Considering Suicide

I've never joined any type of Crohn's forum before...In fact, I used to find them silly and showing a sign of weakness or just as a place for people to complain but today I feel like the weakest person on the planet. I have been researching and considering suicide for the past four days.

I was diagnosed with IBD (UC) when I was 3, then diagnosed again with Crohn's when I was 11. I'm currently 20 years old, therefore I have survived 17 years of weight loss, weight gain, acne, hair loss, hair growth, mood swings, picc lines, hospital stays, CT scans, barium x-rays, enemas, prednisone rounds, methotrexate, remicade reactions, imuron reactions, and iron dextrose and sucrose reactions. I'm of average build but I'm so out of shape that I can't run, swim, hike, or do..anything fairly athletic outside of yoga.

I'm currently on Humira, Methotrexate, Prednisone and quite a few other medications as I'm going through a flare.

I had to take time off in high school due to a flare and finally left for college as a 20 year old freshman--only that lasted two months before I became so sick and lost so much blood every day that I became suicidal and decided to take a medical leave of absence. I was lucky enough to have love in my life at the time. I had a really incredible, caring, thoughtful boyfriend of over a year away at his respective school. He's a completely healthy, ambitious, driven and handsome guy that invited me to live with him for the rest of the semester in his apartment while I focused on my health since my home life is less than satisfactory. It's not that I'm in an abusive situation--I just live with my grandparents (one of which is senile), my mom, and my mentally challenged uncle--not exactly a stree-free or quiet environment and not exactly helpful when you're trying to recover. Well because I was so unfamiliar with what it felt like to be loved so heavily and taken care of, I became dependent on him. We had a big blow out in October and he uttered to the words "If this is what it's going to be like forever, then I don't think I can handle this."...and I lied. I said it wouldn't. I know I can't control my disease. I didn't know how long my flare would last. I begged him to give me a chance to improve and he did. And I did..or so I had thought. The next semester I signed up to take part-time classes at a local college, and took a temp job. In the month before we left, we ended up spending every moment of free time together that we had knowing we might not see each other for months.

He left to study abroad in a remote area that makes communication only feasible occasionally through facebook and half hour phone calls once every few weeks and while I was fine with that, I don't think he was. We had been in a fairly great place and before he left he said I was the love of his life and his best friend. We seemed so sure that we could make it through. About three weeks after he left, I was admitted to the hospital from pain due to my flare. He believes and I think I might too--that the stress of him leaving caused my disease to flare. When I asked my doctor about it, he said it was only a matter of time and that he didn't believe this was the cause.

Out of nowhere, two weeks ago my boyfriend called and broke up with me. He said he felt like he's been waiting for so long for me to live the life I've wanted to live (i.e. be away at school and pursue my own interests) and he just doesn't see it happening anymore and by being abroad he's felt incredibly guilty for his pursuits and we'd become codependent. Like if he wanted to travel again and we were together, he might choose not to. He broke up with me the day I started Methotrexate. He knew I was nervous, he knew I've been going through this rough time, and he knew he only had a limited amount of time he could spend talking to me about it.

I spent the past two weeks reflecting. I've been to yoga, therapy, and acupuncture. I read about codependency. I started meditating. I came to the conclusion that he was right about certain aspects of the relationship and felt like maybe I was turning a corner--Until a few days ago. And although physically I may feel slightly better, my anxiety and depression has only become agonizing. I went to my GP and asked for anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication. I'm well aware that my anti-depressants need ten days to work but the Xanax isn't working at all. I can't sleep and when I finally do, I wake up at 4 am and then at 6 with worse anxiety than I've had before. I cry every morning and every afternoon. The worst part of all of this is that my GI prescribed me Dilaudid for pain a while ago and now my Crohn's is in control that I truly don't need it but that's the only thing I've noticed that helps me calm down and forget about him. I even have thc pills and all they do is make me remember vivid flashbacks of the relationship and cry uncontrollably. I know how Dilaudid is a very slippery slope and I don't want to tack on an addiction to my numerous other issues but I can't concentrate. I can't walk. All I want to do is crawl into bed and pray that I just won't wake up. I've tried speaking to my mom about this but she only sees this as depression about the disease.

What I'm truly feeling is hopeless. I feel as though no matter what I achieve, I won't have that kind of love I felt knowing I'm cursed with Crohn's. It was so truly easy to go through life not knowing what it felt like to be cared for. Not having someone whisper that they love you when they think you're asleep and wanting to stand up for you when you feel trapped. And even more so...he was my best friend. We may have had vastly different interests but we always respected them and tried to share and at the end of the day, just sitting and talking with him made everything else bearable. Now that's been ripped away from me with very little explanation other than "I still love you, you're still my best friend."

I was so lucky to meet him when I did and now I'll never get the chance to meet a guy like him. I'll be trapped at a local school in a town full of kids that don't want to make plans while I'm someone that has tons of goals...I just can't pursue any of them. So now all I ask myself is..what's the point? If I can't live my life the way I want to. If I can't have love. Why should I keep going? My family will be fine. I've burdened them my entire lives--especially financially. The very few friends I have left are off at their respective schools building their respective lives.

I'm not sure why I'm posting here but I suppose deep down I know that this may be temporary. I simply just want a solution.
Hey buddy, sorry you're feeling so shit, heart break sucks and so does crohns but there's a saying that "time heals all wounds", and you gotta believe it's true... You will find love again, be it with your ex or someone new. Iv had a few times where I thought the world was over and that I'd never feel that way about someone again, but at the end of the day it's all emotional engineering, try and never take things personally, and don't blame yourself, iv definitely felt like bailing from this life before but who's to say what lies ahead is any better? I know it's hard to look on the bright side, but I bet there are people out there that can't walk or move their body that would kill to just have our problems... This is just a sad season you're going through, the sun will shine on your life again, just wait for it. Oh and be sure to tell your GI about the suicidal thoughts because I have a family friend who was on methotrexate for r.a and she wanted to neck herself whilst on it... Hope you feel better soon.
Willow, your story is a sad one and I can truly feel your pain. I see that you really seem in a bad emotional space right now. To be frank, itwill be hard for anyone on here to give you advice or really understand what you are going through and anything I write might seem out of place to you or that I do not really understand your situation.

But what I can tell you is that when life seems the worst and bleakest and you think things can't get better they ultimately do get better. When I had surgery in 2003, despite having a very supporting family, I felt lost and depressed too for many weeks, if not months. So I can somewhat relate. I got finally out of it because I studied to finish my university degree, through support of my family and because I eventually felt that feeling sorry for myself and being depressed won't get me anywhere and that people who don't try end up loosing out from the get go. At that point I also thought that Crohn's was standing in the way of lasting romantic relationships, but my experience has been that it's never the Crohn's that ends a relationship, it's always other reasons.

Regarding relationships, my last relationship ended two years ago and I have been single ever since (I moved to Germany, and a long distance relationship would not have worked). Being single and not being together with the person you were in love definitely is not something people strive for... but sometimes that is just life and believe me it happens to so many people, it something we eventually learn to live with. But one thing was always clear to me, even in a great relationship, it won't be the woman I will be with who can live my life for me. We all have to deal with Crohn's ourselves, other people can always only support you.

As to love and your boyfriend, it must be tough, but you are still so young, I tell you, you will eventually be fine. Trust me. i've been there. And there really is no reason whatsoever that you won't find someone to love again, you really need to believe that.

And lastly, I will address your thread title and what you are actually getting at - suicide. Guess what, that's the worst option you could consider. Your family will definitely NOT be fine, no matter how you rationalize it. And guess what, suicide is the coward's way out. Especially for someone with Crohn's, because Crohn's might be a bitch, but so many people living with it found the right mix of treatment, diet, sport etc. and the right determination to control it eventually, so you need to ask yourself why you shouldn't? You even write that it has gotten better lately, see that id a start!

I will make a cheesy movie reference here ;-) think about Rocky. If you don't try you can't succeed, even if you think there is no chance to succeed. I have been in so many situations where I fought there is no solution for a given problem, just realizing that there are lots of good solutions once I tried to work the problem.

I can only make suggestions here, but what if you started to take one day after the other setting you very simple goals? First goal is to control Crohn's, second to get back together with your old friends or make new friends, even if that seems hard at first, and third, step by step also see what you can do with your life. Is there a way to still continue with university?

And remember that there is no reason you can't still have love and the life you want. As silly as it sounds, so many people have found love with all kinds of diseases and in all kinds of situations. Like everything in life, you are making the decision, you can control the anxiety, the depression and Crohn's. Writing about it is the first step, the next step would be doing something about it. For instance, getting in shape through sport. Looking at whether you can go back to college or do a long distance degree or start some other job, apprenticeship etc. But try to take one step after the other.

Ok, that's enough with my pep talk. It might not help you, but maybe it gets ou thinking and get's you off such silly ideas as suicide.
I am very sorry that you have suffered so much for so long. :(

You are very young and you already found love and I believe you will find it again, with your x or with someone new. The pain you feel over your break up is temporary. The people who were most important to me when I was 20 are not the most important to me now, at 50.

I don't have your health problems, but I do suffer and what helps me, is to help others, especially those that I see as worse off than myself. And you don't sound like a person who wants to die, you sound like a person who wants to be shown reasons to live.

I don't know you, so I will share mine. Love. I know that I will feel more of it and I don't want to miss it. Making others happy. It makes ME feel great. I'm curious about the future. I want to see what's going to happen. And as you are 30 years younger than I am, you will get to see a lot more of it, yet I am pretty certain we will BOTH see a cure for Crohn's disease. Science is amazing.

From a mother's point of view, you gotta know that killing yourself would be devastating for your mom. There's a good chance that she would feel more lost and more pain, than you do, now. I shudder when I think about losing one of my kids.

I truly hope that you find reasons to want to live and the strength to endure the reasons not to.
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Staff member
Hello W.Willow
Sorry you are having such a bad time but you can do better.
I think you could use some professional support and would strongly suggest
that you talk things over with your doctor soon..
Of course the crohn's is enough to bear without all the other emotional issues.
Could it be that your medication is causing some of your feelings---this is something to talk with your doctor about.All kinds of reactions can occur with medicines.
Feel better soon
Hugs and best wishes

Jim (POPS)

Jim (Pops)
Antioch, Ca
You were right when you said that this is temporary. This to will pass. You are young and have alot infront of you. God has GOOD plans in store for you. I'm not a "Bible Thumper" thats for sure, but I do know that God helps me every day. I almost died a year ago when a resection went bad and I went septic but I didn't. I'm 62 years old and I belive that God still has plans for me. And I belive he has plans so BIG for you that you can't begin to understand. I've had Love at a young age as you have. But I need to tell you something. I met my wife when I was 24 years old. Five years after we were married she was DX with UC, and went through alot, ended up getting a perm. ilyostomy at age 50 and she is doing so good now. Fast forward to Nov. 2011, I had gone from 160 to 140lbs in a year so they did a colonoscopy and found a bump on my apendix so they took it out but while they were doing that, they found crohns. and did a resetion on the spot and it failed and I went septic and also got a ilyostomy, and they reversed it 9 months later. Now God knew that I was going to get crohns so he put my wife in my life 38 years before to help me with this. I learned alot from her illness. I'm sure that you will find another LOVE that is much greater than any you have had before. Please don't think about taking your life. Deep down you know you will be ok soon. I will pray for you to become well soon. If there is anything I can do for you please send me a PM. OO And welcome to the forum, you Will find the support you need here.

You Friend Jim (pops)
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you feel so hopeless. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I don't know you or exactly of your feeling, but I'm a good listener and I can be here for you to vent to anytime. Your not weak because you need to communicate your feelings, and or complain about your struggles. We all need to and it's ok.

My mother took her own life right before I turned 16. I'm now 32 and still struggle more then I'd like to admit because of that dicision she made. My whole life crashed and the anger still inside me sometimes feels like to much.

The worst part is that she was an amazing woman that had so much more life to live. She did have family there, that loved her more then life. She had places to turn but didn't know how, I guess.

Please keep chatting here with these wonderful people. Know your not alone and although living with this god awful disease is so flipping hard, it's do able. Also I promise there will be someone out there for you. Someone who will help you threw your good and bad times.

This is not the end. Stay strong!


I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now and I am happy you have found us. I can't say that I know what you're going through but I can certain sympathize because I, myself was diagnosed with crohns and I'm now 23 so I know what it's like to live with crohns your whole life.

I'm so sorry to hear about your boyfriend, and although you may be feeling down right now the right person will come along for you. I've certainly had my ups and downs with crohns while I was growing up and I thought I would never find anybody for myself because I have crohns but I have found somebody really special who truly loves me for who I am, and I'm positive you will find the same.

We all have our troubles now and then with crohns but I can assure you that you are not cursed just because you have crohns. I live a completely normal life right now and consider myself pretty healthy. We have some very successful members on here, and members are always surprising us with new things they've accomplished despite having crohns. Sure it can be tough sometimes but I can promise you that you can still live a normal life with crohns.

You're still young. You have so much life to live and so many guys out there waiting to meet you. We get hurt sometimes, but it's worth it when we do find that diamond in the rough. You will find somebody I promise, just hang in there.

This forum is not a sign of weakness by any means. Like I said, we have so many very successful members on this forum and if anything, it has taught me that crohns can make you a very strong person.

As I said, I'm so happy that you've joined and I truly hope to see you around. If you'd like to talk to somebody around your age personally, you can always feel free to send me a private message, or there are lots of members here anytime you want to talk, for whatever reason.

We also have an active chat section where we almost always have members talking about just about everything.
One of my favorite quotes for a situation like this is " suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." you may think your family will be fine, but they won't.

I can't relate to your story, but I can relate to I know how it feels to be so depressed that you do consider suicide. Back in 2008 was the lowest part of my life, I was battling an eating disorder, I felt lost, alone, misurable, did not see no reason to go on. I felt like I would never be happy again. I had the pills in my hand debating in my head whether to do it or not. You know what kept me from taking those pills? Thinking on what I would be putting my family through. The guilt they would be left with forever.That if I did this I would never get to enjoy anything I did love ever again when things go better. Suicide never fixes things, it just makes it worse on both ends.

I got help. I went to a physiatrist where they increased my depression medicine and I got better. My depression got better and with that I started to see the light, that I CAN be happy and no matter how bad things seem at the time, you can get through it. You may not be able to see that now, but one day you will. It may take a long time, but you will eventually get there and you will see and be so happy you didn't decide to make that horrible choice.

So my suggestion is to seek help. Call the suicide hotline if you have to.http://www.suicidehotlines.com/

Go to a physiatrist, talk to your doctor about getting on me depression medicine, talk is us, the members are great here! anything, but suicide is NOT the answer. Stay strong. You WILL get through this. I understand you can't see how right now, but you just have to trust that it will get better and fight for it. And remember that quote " suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
While I sincerely appreciate all the support, Starlight, you clearly didn't read my post thoroughly. If you had, you would've seen that I've been to therapy (I've been attending for two years now) and I sought out medication for depression and anxiety. I also realize it's a permanent solution but I don't see my problem as temporary. I said it earlier but I truly feel like the agony is just building from years of distress from dealing with Crohn's.

..That being said I do appreciate all the support. I reached out to my family and to be honest most things they say make me feel worse..like "you just have to keep pushing through." or "you just need to get out there again. go out and meet more people."..because they don't understand that it's not just heartbreak and it's not just the disease. It's the fact that my whole life I was trained and prepared to be unloved by friends and family from my disability..until I met this one person who told me that I was enough and it was okay and they could really see me, not my disease. They understood that while it was a part of me, it didn't define me. Until one day they decided that they didn't see it anymore and I was right all along.

We all have that favorite person growing up. Mine was my Aunt. She was ten yrs older than I and in thought she could do no wrong. About the time I was 11 I was at my Granddads house alone with her and the phone rang. It was a good friend who had just hung up with my Aunt to tell me my Aunt tried to commit suicide. No 911 at the time, I was responsible for calling for help. I never ever understood. I was very angry at her why would she do that to me??

Fast forward many many years, my Crohns dx has been very hard but, by no means
the hardest thing in my life. I have had my current flare for at least 18 months. My husband couldn't be bothered to be supportive, he has been laid off a few times, the trouble and stress that follows etc. I finally understood my Aunt, I understand you, at the
end of the day our situations are overwhelming and emotionally draining.

What I realized though- no one, period, deserves that space in our souls to put us in that place! Nobody! Chances are, if your partner couldn't go the distance with your dx it would have been something else.

In the end your stronger than you think. Be mad, pissed off, frustrated, mistrusting. Allow yourself to feel it, then walk away from it. Tell yourself, he deserves no more space in your heart. Get into a place of accepting where you are and start moving on. Take it slow don't force it, it will happen!

I hope you find peace in your heart as well as your head. You deserve it!



Staff member
Hi WeepingWillow and welcome to the forum! :D

You've been through a lot so I'm not sure if anything I have to say will help you feel better or not. First thing to keep in mind is that Prednisone really messes up your mood and can cause severe depression. While I understand that everything else you've been through is enough to make you depressed or make an already existing depression worse the Prednisone adds to all of that and can push you over the edge. I urge you to contact your GI and let them know that you have thoughts of suicide. While you may need Prednisone to get the inflammation down to make you better/save your life, if you're suicidal it may be doing more harm than good right now. You can't stop taking it suddenly though so have your GI help you taper off of it. Talk to them about the possibility of trying Entocort instead.

Last time I took Prednisone for Crohn's I tried to kill myself and was put in a psychiatric facility. As time passed after that incident I've had many ups and downs, saw a few different therapists, had a bowel resection (which put me in remission), and finished college then went on to get my Maters. I'm 30 years old now and just got married last year to a man I met 8 years ago on an online gaming forum. It feels like my life finally got started a few years ago. Things can and do get better over time. I know you know that though.

You need something in your life to change for the better and the first things that come to mind are talking to your GI about weaning off of Prednisone and hopefully soon you can figure out a different living situation as well. I'm one of my grandpa's caregivers (he had a massive stroke and isn't all there and has a hard time moving his left side) and did live with him for a while after his stroke. One of the biggest issues with being a caregiver is depression. Even if you aren't doing a lot of the care giving you're still around it often and it really does bring you down. Try to talk to your mom about getting out of that living situation. If money is the issue have you considered applying for SSI/SSDI through social security?

Lastly I don't have any close friends either. I may talk to one or two every 6 months or so but they only call if they are extremely bored and I haven't seen them in years (I moved, they moved and haven't gone out to meet people). Yet even though I don't have friends around me in person I've made A LOT on this forum. We chat in the live chat room on here yet also use Facebook and Skype. I'm able to chat with them everyday which is awesome. I also encourage you to come to the The Miserable Prednisonites Club to meet other members who have had a hard time with Prednisone. http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthread.php?t=49165 We're all here for you anytime and are always open to making new friends. :)
While I sincerely appreciate all the support, Starlight, you clearly didn't read my post thoroughly. If you had, you would've seen that I've been to therapy (I've been attending for two years now) and I sought out medication for depression and anxiety. I also realize it's a permanent solution but I don't see my problem as temporary. I said it earlier but I truly feel like the agony is just building from years of distress from dealing with Crohn's.

..That being said I do appreciate all the support. I reached out to my family and to be honest most things they say make me feel worse..like "you just have to keep pushing through." or "you just need to get out there again. go out and meet more people."..because they don't understand that it's not just heartbreak and it's not just the disease. It's the fact that my whole life I was trained and prepared to be unloved by friends and family from my disability..until I met this one person who told me that I was enough and it was okay and they could really see me, not my disease. They understood that while it was a part of me, it didn't define me. Until one day they decided that they didn't see it anymore and I was right all along.
I am sorry. I had read your post completely yesterday morning, but I didn't get a Chance to respond until late last night. I should have reread.
Weeping Willow- when you're depressed, it can seem like it is a permanent condition with no solutions but it's not true! There is help. There is hope. I know from experience. I did read you've been in therapy. Sometime a different therapist or type of therapy can be really helpful. The same thing for medications. Please reach out for help. You are way more than your disability! You are a valuable person! Please don't give up!

As mentioned above, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is there with a skilled , trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.


Weeping Willow, my heart goes out to you. As a survivor of suicide, all I can do is encourage you to seek out more help, and to not harm yourself. What you are feeling is real and needs serious treatment, and if you feel like you are going to hurt yourself, I would advise you to get to the nearest hospital and tell them as much. My younger brother committed suicide at 19, and I constantly wonder about what might be had he reached out to just one more person, be it a medical professional or a friend... needless to say, when I read your story, a knot formed in my stomach. Please reach out. Please.

Understand that you are loved, and you are not defined by your disease.
Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you for the support again. I'm not totally sure if my Paxil is starting to work or what exactly but I no longer feel suicidal. I definitely am heartbroken and I'm still feeling depressed but I'm starting to feel slightly more hopeful for a future. I'm still feeling hopeless about finding someone that'll be willing to tolerate the disease but that's not something that's easy to answer. It's possible that I felt hopeless about my health and the disease itself wasn't what ended my relationship but rather by attitude and that's simply something I can't go back in time and change.

Like I said, I just don't want anyone to worry or feel as though I'm going to hurt myself. I'm not. I know there's more out there for me.
Weeping Willow, I'm sorry for everything that you have gone through but am relieved to know that today is a better day for you!
I have to agree with Jennifer about the prednisone and the effects it can play on you both physically and emotionally. I also had some horrible emotional breakdowns while on it..
I'm hopeful that you're family is only trying to help by telling you to meet someone new but I can understand that you may feel it's too soon for that. When I separated from my ex husband, I waited a year o start dating and looking back, I think it was the right decision for me.
Fast forward and I am happily married to the most wonderful, loving, and supportive husband anyone could ever hope for! But if you would've told me this would happen 7 years ago, I would've NEVER believed it....
The above posters have given some great advice and time does have a way of making things more bearable. Lean on us when you feel down. The people on this forum are so compassionate and can relate to many things that you deal with because we are all in the same boat.
I am here if you ever need to vent, yell, or cry. Hugs
Weepinwillow, I was diagnosed with crohns at 11 and have always had stomach problems before that.
This may or may not help but I also have been recently contemplating scuicide and how the best method would be for me I'm so tired of being alone living off my fathers hard earned money, constantly being ashamed of myself and my sickly appearance the uncontrollable anxiety depression and stomach pain!!! I just want you to know that your not alone in the way you feel. There is a difference between surviving this life and living it, for people like you and me all we have is survival and to what quality we are able to survive. Find someone like you who knows true pain and has learned to survive it, the normals will just leave you behind when it gets too real. They don't understand how could they possibly?


Staff member
New York, USA

Although this original thread is a few years old, the feelings and experiences of people repeat themselves time and time again.

I think if you take a wander around the forum here, you will find a lot of support - from people just listening, to helping with advice to many success stories.

If you are willing/able - can you share your story in the 'your story' section here - http://www.crohnsforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=5 - so that we may get to know a little about you such as what meds etc you have tried. Sometimes doctors get stuck in a 'rut' and don't look beyond what they are familiar with, possibly there is a treatment out there that hasn't been tried yet that might help.....

As for myself, I've had moderate/severe Crohn's for about 40 years - been through many different treatments with the disease getting worse over the years, UNTIL I found a treatment that has been working for me for over 10 years now (remicade).....if/when that fails, who know what will happen.