Dating and crohn's. Ah!

[magy35]

So, I just had a guy end things because "I am not affectionate when I am sick." (Ahh!). I know the platitudes, "You can do better." "What a jerk!"

The truth is that I feel damaged. I think I am a fun, cute and smart gal; however, with crohn's I feel like the plague.

Background: I was diagnosed in 2004 but was in pure denial until I wound up in the hospital in September '15.
So, since I was hospitalized I am a flaky person: you know I feel fine one minute and then exhausted the next.

This flakiness combined with this most recent, of several rejections, has just taken the wind out of my sails.

Any encouragement, advice or just understanding appreciated.

Trying not to lose it,
Maggie

 

[ronroush7]

I am sorry for what you have been through.. When you are in a flare, font feel romantic.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

I'm married, and we got married before I got sick, and for the first year or so of my illness, my husband didn't understand either and was kind of a jerk. It honestly got to the point where I was thinking of leaving. He'd make comments to the effect of, he thought I wasn't as sick as I said I was, or that nobody can be sick *all* the time.

It took him having his own medical issue to finally gain some understanding. He suddenly would have episodes of vomiting and tremendous pain - it would debilitate him, cause him to have to cancel plans with his friends. He felt awful during these attacks and they could come on at any time without warning. Sound familiar? It turned out not to be IBD, for him it was kidney stones and they were impacted. His doctors didn't know that they were impacted, though, so they took a "wait and see" approach to see if the stones would pass on their own (spoiler alert: Nope!). So hubby dealt with these episodes for 6 months before finally having surgery to blast the stones out with a laser.

Since then, he's been MUCH more understanding. (It sounds funny to say, but kidney stones saved our marriage!) But the only way for him to gain that level of understanding was to go through a taste of it himself. I know that's not very helpful to you, except to tell you that you might just need to look for a guy who has been through similar things himself. Good luck!

 

[Sophabulous]

Eugh, I can't imagine how galling that is. Maybe we need to set up a singles section here on the forum? Or we should all go in together and create a chronic illness match.com!

Seriously, like what Cat-a-Tonic said I've been with my OH since before Crohn's was on the radar and god love him he's put up with a lot. I mean a LOT.

But then so have I, he's lost his job through injury requiring surgery and had months unemployed. He will always have trouble with the affected joint and I accept that he won't be able to do physical work forever.

If there's common ground on health issues then it does level the playing field somewhat. And misery loves company so there is that too ;-)

 

[magy35]

Thanks to all those who responded. It is so good to not feel alone and to get feedback so quickly.

I was wondering, has anyone met anyone after they were diagnosed? How did you approach having an illness with them. I must be doing something wrong...

Thanks guys
Maggie

 

[magy35]

Eugh, I can't imagine how galling that is. Maybe we need to set up a singles section here on the forum? Or we should all go in together and create a chronic illness

Yes for having a singles section. Just to get a chance to share stories and comfort each other. Dating is bad enough these days with all these online websites and adding Crohn's into is a cluster f*%k.

Good idea!
Maggie

 

[Sophabulous]

My hairdressers husband has Crohn's, I know they met online. She's from Slovakia and makes him traditional Slovakian herb teas and things when he's flaring. She's actually given me some of them to try.

I don't know if it would work the same way with the sexes the other way around, but she told me when they met his diet etc was awful and she overhauled his eating as he wasn't taking care of himself when he was a bachelor. What's that saying, the way to a mans heart is through his stomach?

I have 2 other female friends with Crohn's but both of them were already in relationships when diagnosed. I will be asking around though. If it can work when diagnosed already in a relationship then there's no reason that it can't work prior. I believe that the right person comes along when you least expect it too so hold your head up high and show that guy what he's missing until they walk into your life! [emoji6]

 

[barelyalive]

So, I just had a guy end things because "I am not affectionate when I am sick." (Ahh!). I know the platitudes, "You can do better." "What a jerk!"

The truth is that I feel damaged. I think I am a fun, cute and smart gal; however, with crohn's I feel like the plague.

Background: I was diagnosed in 2004 but was in pure denial until I wound up in the hospital in September '15.
So, since I was hospitalized I am a flaky person: you know I feel fine one minute and then exhausted the next.

This flakiness combined with this most recent, of several rejections, has just taken the wind out of my sails.

Any encouragement, advice or just understanding appreciated.

Trying not to lose it,
Maggie

This disease cost me my marriage and now I dont have confidence to date anyone as I am quite insecure with regard to my limitations. Are there any crohn's dating sites?

 

[Sophabulous]

https://www.ostodate.com/ a quick google search found me this!

 

[MizzSarah]

And this is why I'm not dating right now. Sure wish I would have been married, living in a cute house before I was diagnosed. Too late now

Most are not mature at my age... right now people are partying and taking college classes.

 

[magy35]

My hairdressers husband has Crohn's, I know they met online. She's from Slovakia and makes him traditional Slovakian herb teas and things when he's flaring. She's actually given me some of them to try.

I don't know if it would work the same way with the sexes the other way around, but she told me when they met his diet etc was awful and she overhauled his eating as he wasn't taking care of himself when he was a bachelor. What's that saying, the way to a mans heart is through his stomach?

I have 2 other female friends with Crohn's but both of them were already in relationships when diagnosed. I will be asking around though. If it can work when diagnosed already in a relationship then there's no reason that it can't work prior. I believe that the right person comes along when you least expect it too so hold your head up high and show that guy what he's missing until they walk into your life! [emoji6]

Thank you! This made me smile. -Maggie

 

[cloudcloudrunrun]

Its a roller coaster ride.Been very careful when I do things.Im afraid to do some things might have accident.going to ask my doctor if he knows of any crohns groups around.I'm only good for about two hours sometimes and fatigue sets end got to lay down.Only us chrohnies knows these things you know what I mean.Unless you find somebody that's very understanding and listens.Most people can't handle it and take off.:ymad:even the ones you love:heart:good luck Maggie.

 

[JaimeM]

I have had crohns for 10 years, when I met my husband I had crohns and I was very upfront about my crohns and how often I talk about poop. He married me anyway and now we have a great little 2 year old. It's not always easy and he will never fully understand me, but he also sees how hard working I am when I feel good. He knows I'm not a lazy person that uses being sick as an excuse (not saying anyone here is either!) but he knows me when I'm having my good days and I prove to him that I don't use it as an excuse. I'm flaky too, bc you really never know when you'll get sick. And it took him a few years to understand that I didn't want to be flaky but that I knew when my body needed to slow down too. So don't worry! It can happen. You can find a normal awesome guy even tho you're sick!

 

[ronroush7]

Amen

 

[Red Rabbit]

Reading this has really saddened me in the cases where relationships have broken up because of Crohns. I'm very lucky and blessed to have met someone very special.

She took the "Crohns test" twice and still married me! I was diagnosed a year after meeting her but had flares for over a decade before without formal diagnosis.

After two large operations to remove sections of small intestines, all the flares and trauma leading up to the ops and the recovery including stoma bag, months of total paternal nutrition (food through a drip) and resection, she has been there every moment.

We have both had difficult previous marriages and so I think we knew what was important to us in a relationship and she is still here!

When the right person comes along, they will love you whatever happens. Good luck to all the single crohnies out there

 

[magy35]

I have had crohns for 10 years, when I met my husband I had crohns and I was very upfront about my crohns and how often I talk about poop. He married me anyway and now we have a great little 2 year old. ... So don't worry! It can happen. You can find a normal awesome guy even tho you're sick!

Thank you! I needed to hear that!

 

[magy35]

Reading this has really saddened me in the cases where relationships have broken up because of Crohns. I'm very lucky and blessed to have met someone very special.

She took the "Crohns test" twice and still married me! I was diagnosed a year after meeting her but had flares for over a decade before without formal diagnosis.

After two large operations to remove sections of small intestines, all the flares and trauma leading up to the ops and the recovery including stoma bag, months of total paternal nutrition (food through a drip) and resection, she has been there every moment.

We have both had difficult previous marriages and so I think we knew what was important to us in a relationship and she is still here

When the right person comes along, they will love you whatever happens. Good luck to all the single crohnies out there

Thank you for your encouragement!
Maggie

 

[Tubes]

Thanks to all those who responded. It is so good to not feel alone and to get feedback so quickly.

I was wondering, has anyone met anyone after they were diagnosed? How did you approach having an illness with them. I must be doing something wrong...

Thanks guys
Maggie

I got diagnosed at age 12 so I dated a bit in high school but it went poorly.In my early to mid 20's I dated a few people I worked with but it was tough seeing they were healthy and when I'd get sick I'd be out of work for months at a time they didn't understand why I didn't want to go out drinking.Dated another girl that was repulsed by my stoma after she asked to see it so I was done with her.About 5 years ago I dated a girl I met at a crohn's & IBD support group she was a lot of drama it annoyed me that I'd eat right never drink and still be sick all the time while she'd only be sick when she drank and ate poorly and she did that all the time.The last 3 or 4 years my health has been horrible so I haven't dated anyone and I've been oddly cool with it

 

[magy35]

The last 3 or 4 years my health has been horrible so I haven't dated anyone and I've been oddly cool with it

I just decided to go on a dating hiatus. Not sure how long but the stress makes me ill. Unless I can find a drama free and low maintenance man. Haven't found that in awhile.

Cheers. What do you do instead of date?

 

[Tubes]

I just decided to go on a dating hiatus. Not sure how long but the stress makes me ill. Unless I can find a drama free and low maintenance man. Haven't found that in awhile.

Cheers. What do you do instead of date?

I got a couple friends I hangout with but I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to the last couple years due to my poor health.

 

[Lady Organic]

So, I just had a guy end things because "I am not affectionate when I am sick." (Ahh!). I know the platitudes, "You can do better." "What a jerk!"

The truth is that I feel damaged. I think I am a fun, cute and smart gal; however, with crohn's I feel like the plague.

Dont blame yourself for selfish idiocy.
Take it this way instead:
Its better to know now than 2 or 10 years after marriage and kids who is selfish and who is not a good person for a life partner, a true friend, or a true lover. People with heart, empathy and intelligence all combined will never blame someone for a thing about their illness and would never discard a partner based on an illness either. People who do that are selfish, have very low life experience and if they think life will always be simple fun and easy, well good luck!!! LIFE IS NEVER EASY! We are worth much better than people like this!!! Oh my gosh, yes! And with all our experience and resilience fighting with disease, we are inspirations for people who can understand all of that.
Hopefully you will meet more interesting and supportive guys. I assure you, there are plenty of people who will see you as an inspiration
I have, and you will too

 

[Jo-mom]

I totally agree with Lady Organic!

 

[Tony_G]

Crohn’s isn’t the problem, the problem is a lack of decent people.