For some reason or another, my personality type (hopeless romantic like Hippie, who btw, I always knew was a male from one of his earlier posts, no worries Hip) has me predisposed to wanting long term situations, ie: I wrote romantic poems to girls to ask them to a dance in my mid-teens, and gave it to them with a bouquet. Stupid. I mean to say I sought after a wife when I should have first started with finding a girlfriend back then. Chances are it was confidence and looks that they wanted, back then as a chubby introvert, I had neither. Took lots of "no's" to learn things, along with immense amounts of rejection and heartache. Really, does a cheerleader want a poem to ask her to homecoming? Why did I even think I was a match for such a shallow creature in the first place? She seemed reserved and smart, initially...
Anyways, what I mean to relay is that I did a lot of stumbling in the dating game, not officially having a girlfriend until the current one I have now. I fit that character in the movies that was always the girl's friend, but never got her as a girlfriend, kinda like the way Clark Kent was in Superman 1. My gf as of now is in an odd and harsh position, she has dated me for about double the time I've been diagnosed (BC, Before Crohns time about 1.8 years; AD, After Diagnosis time about 1.8 years), and it'll be 4 years this November. I started out with mild disease, and it progressed more or less in the last 2 years almost. So, she knows the healthy, happy me, she's had a taste for the alternate Benson, which I really don't know if that makes it harder or easier, because she has hopes I'll be that again, but may feel she's lost "him" too. She's stuck it out through it all so far, and has a hard duty to do so I guess, and honestly I don't know how long she can take it. I met her online on Yahoo personals, actually.
I feel somewhere between Colt and the rest, I feel this disease is like a satanic bacteria, infecting all facets and aspects in its proximity, growing and taking over things like a parasite. And you'd see it's true if you make a web chart like I did (out of anger and sorrow)...it starts in the middle with bad health and diagnosis...then grows to money...you get thousands in debt and lose thousands in income from it. That right there should tell you where this is going...you lose the ability to go anywhere in life when you're broke, your life is stagnant. You can't get re-educated, you can't go places, do things, pay old debt (in the thousands from school), your health decides what you're capable of. You can't do simple tasks anymore because you'll sh*t yourself in the middle of it. In the winter I couldn't even go to the gas station to put gas in my car without soiling myself. That is NOT control. I'm on disability and know my company is probably watching me, so that is the disease in control, not me. I'm afraid if they see me outside getting the mail they'll claim I'm healthy again. I can't move out on my own, again money. I can't give my gf all the things she deserves, go on vacations with her, try to propose to her, take her out, give her jewelry and gifts, etc...again, money. $, $, $, and oh yeah, more $...$$$$$$$$$$$$......it affects your potential career choices. So nobody can tell me it's MY choice, its the f-ing disease that says I can't be a cop or possibly a firefighter when 2 years ago I could have. You can't go interview for someplace new either if you're wearing a dirty diaper. It's the f-ing disease that may take away my relationship(s) because of the above not being able to be normal.
My gf says so many of her friends ask her why she doesn't leave me, how can she stand it all. Just sitting around on a couch every Saturday night watching movies instead of LIVING LIFE, I watch it happen. How can she put up with it they ask, and tell her they'd have left me long ago had I been with them. I know there's those out there who will put up with it no matter what, but I can't even take care of myself. Week after week, I have to let my girlfriend down...can we go to a movie..nope, can't sit through it without getting up 4 times. Can we go out to eat or go shopping? Can we go to a party or gathering? Can we go to a festival or camping? The answers are obvious, how could someone live doing NONE of this, EVER, for months or even years on end? I couldn't even kiss my gf for 4 months because the Oral Thrush was so bad. My Milia grossed her out so she was turned off by my face. Money problems can cause a divorce alone, throw in an incurable disease.....and...??? When it's devastating EVERYTHING like that, you can't do much but watch it like a NASCAR wreck happening. The idea of control is laughable. How attractive is a FORMERLY FIT, mid 20's guy in a Depends?
How can this all be negligible in the outcome of a relationship? Hopefully because it's temporary. If it's permenant, I wouldn't expect anyone to endure it.
Think of it like this, if you go to pick out a new puppy, and you look up and down the prospects and see one in the corner crapping all over the floor and looking up with these agonizing eyes, and then glance over at the 6 others in the litter, jumping up and down, in perfect health...what's your choice? Least I can still optimistically state I'm hellbent on being a "healthy puppy" once again.