Depressed

[CookieCat]

Hi everyone, Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Been a bit depressed since being back home from my vacation. It was easy to put everything behind me while I was away but now I've got to face it all again and everything just seems so damned hard.

I think I've managed to gain a few pounds but I am not sure - to tell the truth I've been avoiding the scales because I am scared that I will freak out when I see that I've gained. I want to gain, but I also don't... :ybatty: I definately want to feel better and I know I won't until I have put on weight but it's such a hard battle when your dealing with anorexic thoughts as well.

I've also been trying to chase around making appointments and getting my support services back in place. It's hard enough for me to make the phone calls but when they don't do anything it makes me so mad! I am still waiting to hear back from the dietician - they were the ones who wanted to see me regularly and yet I am the one who is trying to organize the stupid appointment!

My Mom has also been driving me insane with her nagging about what I am eating and my feeds. I counted up a total of 10 comments about things like that yesterday! :ymad: I know she is trying to be supportive and she just cares, but it stresses me out. She keeps forgetting that the dietician said to eat 'little and often' and pushes me to eat more. Well tonight I did - and then ended up spewing up everything because it was too much and I felt too nauseous to put up my PEG feed.

Sorry this has turned into a huge vent and all I really wanted to do was to say why I havent been posting too much. But I have been reading and I will try to participate more again. Thanks to those who sent me messages even though I wasn't active and let me know you were still all thinking of me - especially kello, Pen, Mini and Jed. It really does help heaps.

Love,

 

[jed]

through our emails, i know how hard you've been trying cookie, and i'm so proud of you!

you just keep going on at the rate you are, and in time you'll get there

you take care lil one!

 

[MINI Cooper]

It's hard enough trying to take care of yourself without others
nagging at you too, isn't it? My family is always trying to cram more
food down me too :yrolleyes: They mean well, but it DOES get very
annoying, especially when your tummy just doesn't want to have it!

But it's good to see you still lurking around the forums
I just realized my inbox was full, I just deleted a bunch of junk. sorry about that!
Hope you hear back from the dietican soon. Keep us posted when you can,
but don't feel like you need to post, we're all just glad to see you still
around! You take care! ::hugs::

 

[kello82]

ditto with the family trying to force food down our throats. they mean well, but when a tummy says no, it means no.

cookie i hope youre doing a little better by now, its been a few days. try and just concentrate on feeling better ok? not on how much weight you have to put on in order to pacifiy the doctors. no matter what the number is, if you feel better than it is a good amount.

just like people join forces and diet to lose weight together, we should diet together to gain haha! sounds so silly. im a teeny 90 pounds though, so im trying to pack on the calories too. we can do it!

 

[MINI Cooper]

im a teeny 90 pounds though, so im trying to pack on the calories too. we can do it!

me too! yay! :ylol2:

 

[chuckmanley83]

I can't imagine how tough it has to be to be around people who don't quite understand the position you're in.

 

[CookieCat]

Hey guys, thanks for your messages. I did read them and it meant a lot that you bothered to answer. I have just been in too much of a funk to post, plus I've had a lot of pain which means sitting at the comp for long is hard at the moment.

The good news is that I have put on nearly 9 pounds. Mixed feelings about it though. I know it is good because I was so damn sick and lethargic, but it is hard not to see it as 'fat'. :ybatty: Had to go thru' my whole history all over again with yet another nutritionist - my last one left. This new one seemed to know nothing about me - which is good in a way because she wasn't working from other people's ideas, but it was hard for me to go over things again.

My blood tests have all been a lot better apart from my Urea which is low and ALT which was a bit high so they are keeping an eye on those. Any ideas what they mean? :confused2:

Mini and Kello, how are you both doing with the weight gain? Any progress? I have to say I wouldn't be able to manage mine without the extra strength PEG feeds - there are some days I cannot even think about food let alone look at it! The PEG feeds kinda feel like 'cheating' but I guess it's what I need right now. Makes me wonder if I will ever get the damn thing out though.

Hope everyone else is doing OK. I am still around, just don't have the energy or oomph to sit here for long atm.

 

[jed]

always good to hear positive updates from you cookie. keep up the good work. proud of you.

 

[MINI Cooper]

Hey cookie!!!

I know what you mean about the 'cheating'. The TPN felt like that for me, too.
I started to think I would get dependent on it and was scared I would lose
weight again once off of it, but I worked closely with my nutritionalist and
I was able to maintain most of what I had gained on the TPN.

Thankfully, I have been able to gain a bit since then, though I am still underweight.
With my absorption problems, I doubt I will be able to gain much else until
I get the Crohns into remission.

You hang in there! Always good to hear from you! Hugs!

 

[soupdragon69]

Well done Cookie! I know its hard for you to get your head round the gain and that is fantastic progress on both fronts honey.

Keep trying to think of it as you are in relation to improving and being able to do the things you have had to put on hold.

Glad you have a new nutritionist - a good thing from what you say. Hope it continues and you continue nice steady progress.

Thinking of you.. ((hugs))

 

[kello82]

hey cookie
havent talked for a while so i thought id pop in. im glad to hear that you are getting some weight back. even though youre having trouble with it on the mental front. i cant even imagine how it is to be so conflicted like that, gosh.
well i havent made any successes yet. still losing in fact. down to 88 lbs. im in the process of figuring out the best plan of attack for it with the GI.
itll probably be supplements or tpn or something. hopfully no PEG, that sounds like hell cook

hope your doing okay atm. *hugs*