This is probably going to be something of a convoluted mess, but that's my mind right now. I've been wanting to make a post for a couple of days more on the topic of disability, but I haven't been able to figure out how to say what I want to say, and now I'm here at work not sure how I'm going to make it, depression hitting pretty hard.
I can tell myself those same tired-out platitudes: this is only temporary. I'll get through this. Things will get better. I've been through worse. I have a lot to be thankful for. At best, they give me a few moments of feeling slightly less crappy. But I also can't let go of the idea that although I should feel better again at some point, I'm also going to feel like this again sometime later, too. It may go away, but it will come back, too. Just like the Crohn's, the depression is never truly cured, it just goes into remission.
After years of depression, most of my friends and family know, and are fairly understanding, but I just don't want to lean on them, even my boyfriend for support. And even with the Crohn's... It's not so much an independence thing, I'm not even quite sure what it is. Maybe embarrassment. I've gone on meds in the past, I've gone to therapists; neither is all that appealing to me right now, but I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and try at least one of them.
I'm stressed at work. I'm an elementary music teacher, and a month away from my spring concert. I'm a little better prepared than usual, but I'm also doing two shows this season, which has increased my workload. I seem to have a mini-flare starting (hoping that it's not going to be a full-on flare up, I'm sticking to my meds faithfully) what with increased trips to the bathroom and occasional signs of blood, I'm tired and sore all over all the time. I'm looking at how all of this stacks up and wondering how I'm going to make it. On the one hand, I feel like I can't take time off because there's too much to do at work and I've already missed so much time this school year, but I'm also worried I'll be pushing myself and make myself really sick. And then I hear the voice of my aunt back when I was in high school calling me lazy. But I'm really questioning if I can even handle full-time work in the long run. "partially disabled" doesn't seem to be a thing in the US, though.
So, I'm feeling stuck in an unpleasant situation and lacking in options. I keep having dark and troubling thoughts. The worst I see myself doing is either getting in trouble for calling out from work too much, or getting so upset that I either walk out one day or just keep driving one morning and don't even call. I put a good face on things most of the time, but I don't feel like I can handle this. I don't really know how to properly express that, though, and I don't really feel comfortable saying anything about it to most people. I guess it's leading me to want to isolate myself. At least I feel pretty comfortable with the internet.
I can tell myself those same tired-out platitudes: this is only temporary. I'll get through this. Things will get better. I've been through worse. I have a lot to be thankful for. At best, they give me a few moments of feeling slightly less crappy. But I also can't let go of the idea that although I should feel better again at some point, I'm also going to feel like this again sometime later, too. It may go away, but it will come back, too. Just like the Crohn's, the depression is never truly cured, it just goes into remission.
After years of depression, most of my friends and family know, and are fairly understanding, but I just don't want to lean on them, even my boyfriend for support. And even with the Crohn's... It's not so much an independence thing, I'm not even quite sure what it is. Maybe embarrassment. I've gone on meds in the past, I've gone to therapists; neither is all that appealing to me right now, but I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and try at least one of them.
I'm stressed at work. I'm an elementary music teacher, and a month away from my spring concert. I'm a little better prepared than usual, but I'm also doing two shows this season, which has increased my workload. I seem to have a mini-flare starting (hoping that it's not going to be a full-on flare up, I'm sticking to my meds faithfully) what with increased trips to the bathroom and occasional signs of blood, I'm tired and sore all over all the time. I'm looking at how all of this stacks up and wondering how I'm going to make it. On the one hand, I feel like I can't take time off because there's too much to do at work and I've already missed so much time this school year, but I'm also worried I'll be pushing myself and make myself really sick. And then I hear the voice of my aunt back when I was in high school calling me lazy. But I'm really questioning if I can even handle full-time work in the long run. "partially disabled" doesn't seem to be a thing in the US, though.
So, I'm feeling stuck in an unpleasant situation and lacking in options. I keep having dark and troubling thoughts. The worst I see myself doing is either getting in trouble for calling out from work too much, or getting so upset that I either walk out one day or just keep driving one morning and don't even call. I put a good face on things most of the time, but I don't feel like I can handle this. I don't really know how to properly express that, though, and I don't really feel comfortable saying anything about it to most people. I guess it's leading me to want to isolate myself. At least I feel pretty comfortable with the internet.