First of all, Crohn's is such a cruel and individual disease that we all grieve the loss of our previous selves in our own way. Today, I realized that my way is not as simple as I thought.
I attended a Vigil (Memorial Mass) for my my Uncle Bob. The common thread from everyone was that with a great sense of humor he was unselfish and helped many people without wanting anything in return. Even when he was working two jobs and coaching his son's football team he was there for other people in need.
During the time when whomever wanted speak went up front, a close friend of one of his two sons said the that my Uncle taught him to never feel sorry for himself because there is always someone who is worse off.
His resilience is also an inspiration. A widower of two amazing women, he never lost himself. Even in his hospice bed he joked about hoping St Peter will open up the backdoor for him. He was driven by three F's. Faith, Family and Friends which are three key ingredients I need to not only survive, but to thrive.
My first Crohn's attack put me in the hospital in the Cancer Ward due to overcrowding. I made friends with a wife of a hospice patient. I thought then and there that I had no excuses for self pity. But it is more than that, it is how my family is programmed. I also thought about how my uncle who was an airline mechanic and could fix anything with a motor. He was a very practical person. My Uncle may have believed that feeling sorry for yourself is also waste of energy. I mostly concur.
That doesn't mean I don't have feelings of anger and frustrations that sometimes ask, WHY THE F#%# ME? I work hard to accept these feelings, and acknowledge them so I can move on. Sometimes it takes awhile and I need to work them out with journals and talking to friends, family and my peer to peer Crohn's Association counselor. Reading and posting on this forum is also powerful. If I let these feelings take over or even worse, if I deny them and give them more power, it would be deadly. Stressing out and falling out of my healing routine is one of the worst things I can do. Quite frankly, sometimes, I really just need to work on getting myself out of the way.
I know that the stress of taking care of my mom during her two year long goodbye with Alzheimer's contributed. It was however, the most beautiful thing I've ever done. But it was also the hardest thing I've ever done. This, in concert with my vitamin D shortage, shrunken biome (verified by fecal analysis) and genetics likely are also causal for my attack. Years of over prescribed antibiotics, a few of which admittedly saved my life, might be responsible for my shrunken biome. I used to party a lot in my 20's and continued to a few times a year at weddings and a especially at few too many very out of hand multi-day Irish wakes in Boston. I likely caused some damage. There are also my past battles with depression. And finally, there are statistically valid industrialized influences. In third world countries the rate of autoimmune diseases is dramatically lower. I have no regrets because we do the best we can in life or at least I try to.
This is my way of dealing and one important lesson for me is being humble.
Again, we all deal with this in our own way. I am reminded that you can never judge somebody unless you're willing to walk in their skin or for Chronies, feel the pain and angst of their disease, which is too rarely visible to the outside world.
However you deal with this, I want to wish you all the best in getting in or staying in remission.
I attended a Vigil (Memorial Mass) for my my Uncle Bob. The common thread from everyone was that with a great sense of humor he was unselfish and helped many people without wanting anything in return. Even when he was working two jobs and coaching his son's football team he was there for other people in need.
During the time when whomever wanted speak went up front, a close friend of one of his two sons said the that my Uncle taught him to never feel sorry for himself because there is always someone who is worse off.
His resilience is also an inspiration. A widower of two amazing women, he never lost himself. Even in his hospice bed he joked about hoping St Peter will open up the backdoor for him. He was driven by three F's. Faith, Family and Friends which are three key ingredients I need to not only survive, but to thrive.
My first Crohn's attack put me in the hospital in the Cancer Ward due to overcrowding. I made friends with a wife of a hospice patient. I thought then and there that I had no excuses for self pity. But it is more than that, it is how my family is programmed. I also thought about how my uncle who was an airline mechanic and could fix anything with a motor. He was a very practical person. My Uncle may have believed that feeling sorry for yourself is also waste of energy. I mostly concur.
That doesn't mean I don't have feelings of anger and frustrations that sometimes ask, WHY THE F#%# ME? I work hard to accept these feelings, and acknowledge them so I can move on. Sometimes it takes awhile and I need to work them out with journals and talking to friends, family and my peer to peer Crohn's Association counselor. Reading and posting on this forum is also powerful. If I let these feelings take over or even worse, if I deny them and give them more power, it would be deadly. Stressing out and falling out of my healing routine is one of the worst things I can do. Quite frankly, sometimes, I really just need to work on getting myself out of the way.
I know that the stress of taking care of my mom during her two year long goodbye with Alzheimer's contributed. It was however, the most beautiful thing I've ever done. But it was also the hardest thing I've ever done. This, in concert with my vitamin D shortage, shrunken biome (verified by fecal analysis) and genetics likely are also causal for my attack. Years of over prescribed antibiotics, a few of which admittedly saved my life, might be responsible for my shrunken biome. I used to party a lot in my 20's and continued to a few times a year at weddings and a especially at few too many very out of hand multi-day Irish wakes in Boston. I likely caused some damage. There are also my past battles with depression. And finally, there are statistically valid industrialized influences. In third world countries the rate of autoimmune diseases is dramatically lower. I have no regrets because we do the best we can in life or at least I try to.
This is my way of dealing and one important lesson for me is being humble.
Again, we all deal with this in our own way. I am reminded that you can never judge somebody unless you're willing to walk in their skin or for Chronies, feel the pain and angst of their disease, which is too rarely visible to the outside world.
However you deal with this, I want to wish you all the best in getting in or staying in remission.
