Future resection, I cant stop crying newly divorced and alone

[cleuger]

Ever feel abandoned? The reason for our divorce was he couldnt handle me being sick all the time. So I am alone with my teenager now. I work full time. Gi put me on Flagyl and another antibiotic because of a fistuala coming to the surface of my tummy then started leaking poo but has since stopped since I started taking the Flagyl. I have been crying for 2 days now I even have to leave my desk at work to go to the restroom to cry. I dont know what to do. Im scared about having surgey but im sick of living like this. I cant plan anything Ill probably be alone for the ret of my life. Sometimes I just want to give up Im so sick of it all.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

 

[Grumbletum]

Hi cleuger
I am so sorry to hear that you are needing surgery and that you are feeling low. I am divorced too and live with my teenage son. Also working full time. I was very sick for two years with an intestinal abscess and fistula and like you, felt overwhelmed and desolate at times.
I didn't have advance warning of the surgery. I went in for tests because I had symptoms of the fistula opening again ( passing poo when I peed ) and they decided to do the surgery there and then.
I know it is a daunting thought, but it could end with you feeling brand new again. I have been so well since getting rid of my bad bit of bowel and the foul fistula.
Have you got a date for the surgery and have you told them about it at work? Do you have a good friend that you can confide in?

 

[cleuger]

No I don't have friends I've never really been social. They do know here at work. Can I ask after your divorce and surgery were you able to have companionship with anyone again? I think one of my problems is I'm feeling very alone right now and I guess I see no light at the end of the tunnel or future. I'm sure I'll have a pouch for how long I don't know most of my disease is in my left colon. Right now this is the only place I can come where people understand with compassion because they live it like I do every day.

 

[darster]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your surgery is helpful and you feel better. (((hug)))

 

[dave13]

Hi Cleuger,I hope you come here,to the forum,when you need to vent.I understand about not having friends to talk to and how lonely you can feel.The forum is a diverse group that has helped me a lot.

It does get hard to fight...always seems there is another hurdle.There are good days along the way too.They may seem seldom,but they are there.Do you have hobbies,read,walk...something to take your mind off CD even for a little while?

I hope your surgery goes well.

 

[cleuger]

It probably wouldnt be so bad if I could stop all this crying. I cant think straight to have a hobby right now. I wish I could. I dont know if its the Flagyl making me cry like this or if its just the stress of having to have surgery and trying to work and not having anyone to talk to about it. I was married for 20 years he was my friend so I thought until I became ill with crohns I started noticing changes in him. So now he is healthy and gets to move on while I get to be laid wide open in the hospitol and no one by my side. Makes me look forward to the future<< Sarcasm.

 

[DJW]

You are going through so much. Sending you my support.

 

[Ali29]

So sorry for all that you are going through. There will be good days and there will be bad days - hopefully the good days are coming soon!! We have all been there and know how hard it is to deal with life when you feel so bad.

Sending healing thoughts your way!!

 

[cleuger]

I want to thank each and every one of you I am still so sad and crying I'm so hurt the my illness ended a 20 year marriage that I wasn't important enough for him to stand by my side. I'm hoping once I have the surgery and put that behind me I can try to live a semi normal life it's lonely having this disease with nobody to talk to.

 

[darster]

I think you'll find that this is a very supportive forum. Even though we aren't together in person, it helps to have your feelings validated, at least for me.:ghug:

 

[poopaholic]

Would just like to say that you are not alone with your troubles. I know this forum has really been a blessing for me . Just knowing others are going through similar or even worse scenarios has been very helpful for me . Right now my life also feels overwhelming,since I too recently became single, but I know that I will survive. Sending the biggest hug your way. You are a very special person and you will find what you need.

 

[cleuger]

You guys don't know how much better I have been feeling since I started this thread I've still been emotional and crying but I feel better then I did this is the one place I can come and everyone understands and not judged or picked on because I don't feel good
Thank you!!!!

 

[Ali29]

Just know that we are all here for you!! :ghug:

 

[dave13]

We have all been judged and picked on.I sometimes think of myself as that nice piece of fruit you buy at the store.Looks nice and ripe and healthy,and you bite into it and it is rotting on the inside.People look at our outsides and don't see our sickness.We fight each day and get misunderstood and that is very tiring...but we do fight each day.

I am not patronizing and spewing cliches...you are lonely now,but you may meet someone down the road.Even when we are with someone there is a part that they can never fully live with us and understand.The same goes for us towards our partners/spouses.We can't fully understand what they are going through.We both get the sh***y end of the stick with CD.

Reading that you are more positive since you started this thread is great! Knowing you are more positive makes me feel better,which gives me energy to keep fighting...we have to acknowledge our low times and not forget to strive for the higher points.We do deserve to be happy,don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[cleuger]

Wow those are words to live by. I think I have good days and bad days yesterday wasn't so bad. Today not so good the tears have started and I haven't even made it to work yet. I feel like a piece of trash that's been wadded up and thrown out the window. My hurt is not as much the fact that he couldn't handle the disease while that hurts me. I'm also hurt over the fact that he is healthy and gets to live a healthy happy life while im stuck with this crappy disease. I guess Im jealous not over the other women but his ability to live a normal healthy happy life. SO to narrow it down Im a piece of shit that doesn't even deserve to live in this world one less problem for everyone around me. God I hate myself most days how do you cope?

 

[poopaholic]

First off you are not a piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live . You just have a couple of hurdles in life to clear. Secondly no one in this world is perfect. Everyone has some kind of issues. I would bet money that your EX is far from perfect. Obiviously he has issues . If he wants to run off just because your health is giving you problems, I say let him go live his shallow life without you . The health troubles you are having will get better "mine has", but he will still be a shallow person no matter who he is with. You on the other hand will grow stronger and wiser. My life has been one hurdle after another and so far I just keep my head up and do the best I can . I amaze myself at what I can accomplish with all the adversitities I have . Just like I said before you are not alone on this road we are on .

 

[cleuger]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their support you guys are great an I am so thankful to have you. Im not crying as bad today so thats a good thing still dwelling on the past the divorce ETC...Super scared about surgery. Ive been reading the Surgery thread but I read good things and bad things im just scared I wont wake up Ive already wrote letters to my kids. Thats how scared I am. Again I cant stress has great you guys are.

Cindy

 

[Ali29]

So glad today is better!! I've said prayers for you both emotionally and physically. Sending you lots of support!! :ghug:

 

[Astra]

Hiya Cindy (cleuger)

You made me want to cry!
This was me, 6 years ago, a mirror image of what you're going thro now. There's a reason why your ex didn't make it into your future, you just can't see it yet, its too hard. I promise you, you will, and you'll be sooooo happy.
I've been divorced 4 years, split 6 years ago, lots of reasons why, but mainly cos I was ill.
I had surgery back in Feb, a resection, and I'm sooooooooo well, sooooo happy!
Five years ago I met someone else, with all my baggage, illness, kids, etc
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but please take each day, one at a time, breathe, chant, this too will pass.
You're gonna be ok, I promise xxxxxxxx

 

[lenny]

I'm very sorry that you are so sick and for all that you are going through right now.

I was incredibly sick for a decade (not Crohn's) and as soon as I started to feel a bit better, my young son was diagnosed with Crohn's. So, I've been on both sides of the fence and I have a lot of sympathy for caregivers, even those who fall short or eventually fail. It's super stressful to watch someone you love suffer EVERYDAY and I'm not sure that I could or would handle it, if it wasn't my child. Just being honest.

Please try to focus on you, getting better etc and not your x. He will have his own problems. Life gets us all in the end doesn't it?

Yet, that doesn't mean that there aren't good times ahead for you, though. Life is full of ups and downs. You'll be up again.

 

[poopaholic]

Cleuger how are you feeling today? Just thinking of you . Hope things are improving for you .

 

[cleuger]

I'm not doing well I will admit that to say I am would be a lie. I thought I might just stay home today and sleep that way I don't think and i don't feel. I can't do this I don't have the strength I've always though of myself as a stong independent person. This doesn't seem to be the case these days. My desire for life is slowly slipping away I'm having the surgery only because my kids are somewhat pushing and will physically drive me there I'm sure but what happans during the resection and after quit frankly I do not care I just don't care. Thank you for having me in your thoughts

 

[poopaholic]

I can tell you what drives me , and that is my grandson . And actually he isn't my biological grandson . I was in a long term relationship and developed a strong relationship with her daughter . Well we had the high school pregnancy and it was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me . His actually grandfather is a real piece of shit currently in jail on drug charges and awaiting charges for child porn . Anyway now the woman I was involved with for about eight plus years has up and left me . Now I would be completely alone in this world with this damn disease, but the daughter thinks of me as a dad . She wants me to continue my position as Papa for her now almost four year old. I get him all the time . He tells me how much he loves me about every 30 minutes. Having no actual children myself and at 48 years old this is all I am getting . I am very fortunate to have this . He (Wyatt) is what gets me out of bed everyday . Without him my life would be a very lonely place. Now lets talk about you . It is my understanding that you have children that I would think love you unconditionally . It is your responsibility to move on and be there for them . Trust me life is very hard wirhout a mother . Just typing that last sentence made me cry . So pull up your big girl pants and give your children the mother they deserve . I have had two resections and trust me life gets better. Hope I wasn't to blunt but I never have been one to sugar coat. Lastly I care also and I don't even know you.

 

[cleuger]

My kids are trying they really are. They are grown with the exception of my 17 yr old. I do have a couple of small grandkids. In my photo is my grandson Logan. They have their own lives, My 17 yr old lives with me but he has his own agenda which is normal. SO I really don't have anyone to talk to because the only friends I ever needed was my ex and I thought we were good friends. I must of been living a lie I suppose. SO I don't have friends. You are so lucky you are a strong person I envy that. I went to work everyday last week even though it was a struggle but I did it. The more I struggle the weaker I get it seems. My surgery is coming soon as I said I know my kids will make sure I get there its about a hour drive from here. I'm not looking forward to wearing a bad after surgery I already have low self-esteem that just adds to it. I guess its reversible most threads I've read on here people have had theirs reversed. Its strange at first I was scarred about the surgery you know not waking up an all, Now I don't feel anything about it. I don't really care not sure of that's good or bad, on one hand I don't worry about it any longer but on the other my luck ill make it through it and take forever to heal. Do you know if Flagyl makes you more emotional? because I was bad before but was able to control myself somewhat but when my Gastro put me on Flagyl all hell broke loose. I also want to say Thank you for caring thank you so much it does mean a lot this forum has been so caring and helping for me I cant even tell you how much gratitude I have for everyone's post.

 

[darster]

Hang in there, please. It sounds very bleak for you right now and hopefully with each passing day it lessens. Time IS helpful in healing body and mind. Come here and visit other support threads too, stay in touch. This is YOUR community and we will be here for you. Don't give up!

 

[poopaholic]

Don't think my life is a walk in the park. My life is one continuous struggle. Right now it is very lonely . I have very few friends and they all have lifes of thier own . My grandson is all I look forward to and I can't keep up with him . He wears me out. I wish I could do more with him but money is very tight right now . I am in the process of looking for a new job since my current job gets very slow through the winter and I have to have a steady cash flow. Getting a new job is very scary for me . My current boss is very understanding to my health issues and I know I can't replace her. Luckily for me my health is doing very well after a very hard three years. But giving up for me is not an option. I just try to do the best I can and try my best not to dwell on all my troubles, because I know there is a little guy that loves me very much. The last thing I am going to do is let him down. So am I very strong? not hardly but I refuse to quit.

 

[poopaholic]

Don't think my last post is trying to downplay your struggles . Believe me I understand how hard your life must be right now . I just am trying to tell you that there has to be at least one thing that makes life worth living . I wish my writings were more poetic but face it I am merely a man that has been delt a shitty hand.

 

[cleuger]

I didn't take it as though you were making lite of my situation. I know that there are many more people that have it way worse then I do and I do feel bad for them for me it's bizarre I hurt more mentally then I do physically. While I do need a resection due to scare tissue Nd a fistuala on the left side of my colon I do not have a lot of pain. For that I am grateful. I did go out today I went to my 2 yr old grandsons birthday party I felt like it was not fair to punish them for my problems I didn't stay long but I went. At this point and time it really doesn't help to go out what's the point?? I go Tuesday for them to schedule my surgery. Which will be done at the Cleveland clinic here in Florida. I think. The sooner I can put that behind me will help hopefully. I seem to be all over the place with the emotions what really stinks is he lives in the same town as I do so when I go out I risk having it rubbed in how he's moved on. I'm not finding myself very attractive these days as I had surgery 2 months ago to remove an abscess so the resection is really needed Badly if I'm ever going to try to love any kind of normal life whatever that is of I would imagine I'll be stuck with a bag for a while but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

[DJW]

You're in a pretty dark place right now. Take it a day at a time. Brighter days are ahead of you.

 

[cleuger]

You're in a pretty dark place right now. Take it a day at a time. Brighter days are ahead of you.

Yes dark to say the least my daughter and I went shopping for a little bit today who in the hell starts bawling like a baby In a frigin department store. I did uncontrollable we had to step outside. I pray it's something I'm taking and will go away now that I'm done with the antibiotic. It's like my brain is fixated on 2 things the ex and my health and I have a really hard time with both. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with all memories erased of my past with out removing my children.

 

[DJW]

Is counciling something you'd consider? You might find it very helpful.

 

[cleuger]

Yes I would consider it and I truley believe I need it. it may be what I need to move on in a healthy way but at the moment I'm in the hospitol with surgery most like happaning I have a ct scan today and am on bowel rest which is fine by me since I don't eat anyway.

 

[DJW]

In any hospital I've been in they have a social worker on staff. Is that common practice at your hospital?

 

[cleuger]

I'm not sure I've never been to this hospitol before. I'm down in Fort Lauderdale they have colon rectal surgeons here. I can ask? I know one thing I'm on bowel rest but their not giving me anything no TPN nothing and I've already lost so much weight it's scarring me.

 

[dave13]

Every hospital has someone to talk to,ask your nurse.They take into consideration different faiths and cultures.They must have people available.

 

[cleuger]

I will tell you the medical staff here is so compassionate. It's not a net hospitol the one I go to where I love, however when asking to speak to spmene I think they misunderstood me they sent this little old 90 ur old women who is also the Chaplin. She came in and prayed over me. It was very considerate of them to try and help bit that wasn't exactly what I was looking for. They reviewed the ct scan from yesterday the only stricture they saw was one in my sigmoid going down to my rectim. I have 3 small fistualas that they can tell. I'll have my scop today to tell me more. I had a fleet enema last night and I'm here to tell you for the first te I'm weeks starving I won't have the scop till after 12:00 I'm curious to see how long this stricture is not sire about surgery now. They want to get a better look at things.

Cindy

 

[poopaholic]

Hang in there cleuger, it sounds like you are on the road to recovery. I don't know the process but I do know alot of your troubles are being addressed. So better times are on the horizon.

 

[Daisy123]

I have had six/seven resections and don't regret one of them. I still have down days but life is good. It is normal to be scared of surgery, but trust me once you have recovered you will feel better than you have felt in years. I had a temporary ileostomy many years ago and didn't like it, but it allowed my bowel to heal and gave me the longest remission I have ever had. Have you considered antidepressants? I have been on and off them for years, they helped me through very dark patches.

 

[Adam1971]

I found the surgery to really suck at first, but the relief its given me since recovering has been so worth it. Best of luck. You are not alone (even though it may seem like it at times).

 

[jwfoise]

Every hospital has someone to talk to,ask your nurse.They take into consideration different faiths and cultures.They must have people available.

cleuger,

Most hospitals I'm familiar with have social workers or someone similar. Some of them even specialize in helping patients manage major and/or chronic diseases. Talk with your nurses about it, and ask to speak with them.

Good luck.

 

[cleuger]

Ok so today they did the colonoscopy and they did an endoscopy so they could see if I have any fistualas on my small bowel. They put my lights out to do this after he have me the stuff in my IV I don't remember anything till I woke up. Is that what it's like with a resection she did say surgery would be within the next few weeks. I have a very narrow stricture. And my buddy's the fisrulas. Most all of the disease is contaminated the the sigmoid and rectim. So am I the only one scared of surgery? Were any of you? I'm sure most are scared I can't imagine anyone not being scared. I more scared of the surgery then the pain to follow. I'm not right!!!

 

[cleuger]

I have had six/seven resections and don't regret one of them. I still have down days but life is good. It is normal to be scared of surgery, but trust me once you have recovered you will feel better than you have felt in years. I had a temporary ileostomy many years ago and didn't like it, but it allowed my bowel to heal and gave me the longest remission I have ever had. Have you considered antidepressants? I have been on and off them for years, they helped me through very dark patches.

I loved reading this it helps to read positive stories. Thanks
Cindy

 

[ronroush7]

We are all here for you. Sending support.

2

 

[DJW]

Being scared is totally normal. You can ask for something before you go down.

Pain management post surgery is very good. Its important to stay on top of the pain. You will heal quicker. Typically you with get a pain management pump. Sometimes an epidural. Ive had both. You push the button when you need it (pain pump). You cannot overdose. In recovery they will give you something directly in the if. Its the really good stuff. You also have a catheter in so you don't need to be up running to the bathroom.

I'm given ice chips after surgery. Then clear fluids, fluids, soft food, regular food. This starts as the bowel wakes up.

I found more pain from gas than surgery. Walking will get rid of it. You'll be up out of bed the next morning. Typically discharged 7 or so days after.

Surgery gave me my life back. No regrets.

I wish you the best.

 

[dave13]

When they say you can walk around,I recommend doing so.It will help wake up your 'guts' and help with the healing.It will also give you something to do.I logged many a mile pushing my IV stand around.The wing I was in had 'hiking' maps and the distance of each 'trail'.

It has been nine months since my resection.It has helped me tremendously.I feel it helped,in my opinion,my quality of life.I didn't really have a choice,I went in to the ER with what turned out to be a close to total blockage.

Take your time recovering and don't rush things.You will be fine.You will get back on your feet again and enjoy life.Try to walk when you are home.I guess I shuffled more than walked..but you get the picture. Listen to your body.

I feel I have to add the ubiquitous 'we are all different'.This includes post-op healing.If you are in pain,take the pain meds.You will heal on your schedule.You may heal quicker than some or slower than others,but you will heal.

 

[Donjh]

Cindy how is it going? Feeling better I hope. I live in Ocala if you need to vent, just need someone to talk to that understands about having crohn's just PM me for my phone number happy to help.

Operations are always scary no matter how many you've had it never changes. Don't give in to the dark side, stay positive everything works out for the best.

Please post let us know how you are doing..

 

[dave13]

Hope you are doing well,Cindy.

 

[cleuger]

Hello to my friends in my little black box lol referring to my laptop lol. I'm actually doing good. I'm to get discharged today to go home. I'm feeling better each day I've gotten a lot of good solid advise for everyone ive talked with here and am truly grateful.looks like I may have an infection where the staples are on my belly button I've got some drainage from there. I've been so great I've had no pain where the removed the rectum most of my pain has been around where the stoma is and a pressure type pain when I pee . Surgeon says it's normal normal for that area to hurt since they have to cut into the muscle there to create the stoma. I changed my bag yesterday by myself I made one big mess next time I'll make sure to have a towel handy.
Thanks for checking in on me

 

[dave13]

Happy to hear you are going home.Hospitals,ironically,are not the place to heal.Don't over do when you get home! Follow the instructions they give you..even when you don't want to. Look forward to your updates.

Dave

 

[UnXmas]

I said this on your thread on the stoma forum too, but it's so great that you're happy with the stoma!

I always seem to get pain when I pee after surgeries, even though I've had lots of different types of surgeries (laproscopic, open, major, minor, etc.). I was told it's because the anaesthetic causes your bladder to temporarily shut down - the same as you experienced with your digestive system taking a while to "wake up" after your surgery. After a couple of surgeries, I wasn't able to pee at all for a couple of days. It hurts because you're having to force it out when the muscles are working against anything going out. That's what I was told anyway. You don't have any burning pain when you pee, do you? Did you have a catheter in after the surgery?

Enjoy being home!

 

[cleuger]

No it doesn't burn and yes I did have a cathitor I kind of hated when they took it out u was just fine laying right there in bed not having to worry about getting up and peeing what really made me pee a lot was when they started the tpn along with the other iv fluids I was a peeing machinem it's weird it feels like muscles contracting or a big Charlies horse I feel pressure sometimes when I pee not quit as bad as it was. The muscle spasm's around my stoma that's a whole different story when the pain meds wear off all I can say is when I get up and move around it hurts.

 

[UnXmas]

I felt the same way about my catheter, didn't want it removed because going to the toilet was such a pain. But they want them out as soon as possible, because the longer they are in, the more chance there will be nerve damage, and they also increase the risk for urinary tract infections. I noticed the same thing with the TPN - I never thought I could pee so much! :lol:

 

[mamagus]

you aren't alone. It's normal for you to have the ex - the divorce on the mind - it's what's going on in your life.

step back though - you have a teen - if she were going through your situation - what advice would you offer?

What would you say to her - to keep her spirits up - to remind her that she is AWESOME, she's STRONG, she doesn't need anyone to parttime be in her life when things are good and then bail when things are bad.

The best revenge is healthy living. Go to the gym. Go to church and do some volunteer work - don't let your ex take any more space up in your head, your heart, your life. He doesn't deserve your energy - you deserve your energy, and so does your daughter.