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Help needed

Hello, I am posting on here to find a way to help my partner who has been diagnosed with crohns, he had been ill for quite a while and refused to go and doctors eventually he ended up not being able to walk and being rushed into hospital, it turned out he had crohns that had caused abseses in his spine and pelvis caused by holes in the bowel so he was told he might be paralysed if he got well so after emerancy op to remove a large portion of the small bowel and drain abseses and being left in intensive care for a week he nearly died twice needing resuatated he was left with a stoma bag and he was in hospital for 6 weeks in total docs wanted to keep him longer but he just wanted to be at home thank god he didnt end up paralysed and lived through that, at home he also got a blood clot in leg, so the last 4 months I have tried everything to help him but he just wants to give up on life he is still in a lot of pain because the damage to his spine and the nerves, thou he is tryin to get out and about and do small things, even though he is tryin is some areas he has become impossible to be around he cant handle the stoma and feels like a failure in life and says things like he no good and useless and I should leave him which I dont want to do I love him so much and hate what he is going through I will be at his side no matter what is to come, the only thing is he left 4 days ago to go to his parents, he wants to me to forget him and he been saying that if he cant have a reversal he will committe suicide so its best he leaves now, im at my wits end as how to help, he has been so argumentive, im scared of losing him to this awful illness is there anyway I can help he wont seek help for himself we are both very young in our twentys and the fact he has a stoma does not bother because I see it as it saved his life, any advice as how to help would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance
 
Location
UK
Dalsar, I'm so sorry. I think I understand why your partner is telling you you should leave him - when someone's feeling depressed sometimes they feel guilty that they're pulling somebody else down into what they see as a hopeless situation. Even if it isn't hopeless to the other person - they just can't see past the darkness. He might be worrying that you'll leave him eventually anyway and want to get it done now so he doesn't have to dread it. That doesn't mean he's right, though, and you are doing exactly the right thing by reassuring him that you love him, that you don't care about the stoma or that he's ill, and that you aren't going to leave (so long as it is what you want, of course, because your needs are important too).

Reassurance is so important. It's something he might get at his parents', which could be why he's gone there? If you contact him, keep telling him you love him, pay him sincere compliments. He will get better with time, as he adjusts. Maybe it would be an idea to send him some of the success stories on here from people who have had the same surgery and are now living great lives? He needs to know he isn't alone and that things won't always be this bad. And listen to him, without offering solutions or commenting, whenever he needs to talk - if he can get things off his chest verbally and feel he's understood that can help a lot...Just accept what he says about his feelings and try to understand :)

If something he says makes you feel he is really in danger of harming himself, or if he comes back but things don't improve and you need help, there are loads of people who can help. Try Mind, the mental health charity (http://www.mind.org.uk).

Most importantly, don't let his unhappiness make you unhappy too. I know that sounds stupid. But you have a responsibility to yourself and your own health, and it may be that the best thing you can do is be happy and let him see you being happy - it could help lift his mood. If things don't work out, he still has his parents to support him.

Keep us posted x
 
Thats the thing his mum is always nagging him and he is not fit to cook himself a meal and she works all day and he dosent eat which is so bad for him and his dad forces him to do things like help on the farm and sayin things like you have to rise above it like he can hardly walk and is so week he dosent need thqt I thinm he went there cause he will be alone all day not eating, (he hates eating because he cant stand emptying the stoma bag or changing it) I think he just wants to let himself go and fade away, I know he can get through this with the right support but he dose t want it at all, he has stopped taking his meds for it and wont take the injections for the clot either all he takes is pain killers im scared if he keeps going down this road he wont make it, I dont want him facing this alone but what can I do, maybe I should just give him space but then I dont want him think I dont care when he is all I care about yet I do t want to keep talki g to him if he dosent want to hear from me, he needs professional help with this depression but I cant make him look about it either, thanks for your advice I will try the things you said and just hope for the best thankyou x
 
Hi Dalsar,

Sorry to hear about your situation, I can relate to both of your feelings as pretty much the same thing happened to me in December 2012.
Admittedly I didnt suffer from spine issues or abscesses but I did spend a week in intensive care on a ventilator and had 4 ops during that time.
Like your partner I ended up with a Stoma and wanted to give up there and then. The thing that kept me going was the love of my partner and my Sister
It is a horrible, scary and almost unbelievable time that your partner is going through at this time, I found realisation of actually what happened took a good 4 or 5 months to settle in my brain. The last year has been one of the most testing times in my life.
Everything you have said he is feeling is a normal reaction i am sure. It was for me and the feeling of being useless, a failure and unlovable used to eat me up.
like your partner I was so lucky to have my other half Becky to look after me. She didnt stop giving me love and care from day one till the day I came out of hospital and everyday since.
What your partner does need to understand though is that even though he has a stoma his life is far from over. There are plenty of people in the world and on this forum who have it much worse (and a lot of them dont have stomas BTW)
I am 40 now so a bit older than you two but I promise as he builds his strength and confidence he will see his situation in a different light. He just needs to accept what has happened and embrace the love and care you and his family want to give him. All that takes time.
At the end of the day this Stoma has more than likely saved his life.
5 months down the line I forced myself back to work, it was like climbing a mountain every day. if it wasnt the pain it was leaking bags, the whole experience was exhausting. A year later and I am putting the weight back on and other than carrying this bag around stuck to my stomach, most people would not even know I had been ill.
At times like this he will find out who his true friends are. I found most to be scared of what I had and didint really want to know. I got the how are you feeling, or my god you look awful but If I ever offered to show them the stoma through my bag they would run a mile. A few others though and not the ones I expected will now be friends for life!

If your partner needs someone to chat with then please feel free to message me, likewise there a lot of people on this forum who have experienced similar and are always willing to offer their support and advice. He is not alone, that is a promise!
Anyway good luck and keep us posted
 
Thanks for your qorda of support I have forwardes them on for him to read in the hope he will come here lookin support himself, were can I find the success stoeys to sent to him I think that cud be really gud for hom to hear positive stories thanks x
 

dave13

Forum Monitor
Location
Maine
Dalsar,the fact you see his stoma as a lifesaver is awesome.I'm saddened his dad takes the 'hard work will cure it approach' and mum is nagging.I hope it is there way of showing concern by offering the only solutions they know.Can they be educated to the realities of what there son,and you,are going through?I am glad you are seeking help with this and please check out the UK links that people have posted.If you can find support close to home it may help you.I hope your boyfriend see's this is not the end and will choose to fight and take back his life.You need to take care of yourself too.Would your boyfriend use this forum?I hope he will at least read what you forward and give it some thought..:ghug:
 
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