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Hotel Crohn's Forever, The Return Of The Fistula

Please keep an open mind to these thoughts. I do, by no means, intend to offend. So if you are willing to not have any hateful or mean responses, read on. I am not here to fight with anyone but myself.

I thought I was on my way to getting my ileostomy reversed, when a sudden anal roid popped out painfully and derailed my train. It was right where I had a fistula that led to my ileostomy, years ago. I am scheduled to get the roids removed on March 27. To my surprise when I had a new roid pop out, when examined. the doctor found an additional hole in my rectum. The fistula once again, opened up wide.

When I was adding a hydrocodone cream with a rubber gloves on, I too felt the hole just behind the roid, a dual poop shoot. My mind went crazy with disappointment and strange feelings peaking my curiosity.

Here is where some may be offended:

In my past sexual life, I learned to really enjoy prostate massages. When I felt that strange pleasure sensation it was so weird and scary in that natural place of pleasure; no matter your sexual orientation, that was once a very wonderful pleasure point that is now so filled with pain and then suddenly a feeling of pleasure tweaked and freaked out the monkeys in my tree.

BTW, for guys and gals out there, prostate stimulation has nothing to do with sexual orientation, this doesn't make a guy any less of man, if you are caught up in being a macho man. It can connect naturally to more pleasure than ever imagined, just be clean and know the routine before hand. I don't want to go into further details, that would be out of bounds for this site and disrespectful, which I know some may think this post already is. You can find out on the Internet, but beware of what you might find some is very shameless post like any search might.

Since I am so removed from who I used to be, and others are also, I hope you are not offended by my rambling.

Again, please do not judge.

If you don't understand or fear using that region for pleasure or have any moral issues with doing a what you may believe is sinful, please refrain from responding with any judgement. Again, I do not mean to offend.

Of course, my twisted mind thought of a double massage, which is way out of the question for obvious reasons, least of all of them is I don't have a girlfriend and I am terribly lonely.

I can't stand the idea of anyone seeing me without a shirt on and my bag and bulged stoma being a center of attention. Truth be told, I used to go to nude beaches, not for sexual pleasure, but to enjoy the freedom and full sensation of nature flowing threw me in a judgement free zone with others, in all shapes and sizes respecting each other for who we are, not what we are. I hope that makes sense. Public Sex in these areas is highly discouraged and will typically gets offenders quickly removed, for disrespecting the meaning of the spirit.

I dream of being married again and having naked weekends to just enjoy living without the restriction of clothes and social prejudice outside in the World, an expression of deep, intimate trust, that goes way deeper than sexual satisfaction, letting down all of our guards. I guess with true love, it would not matter that I have a bag hanging. I can always dream and I know that the possibilities are alive and I have to keep moving forward.

Sometimes we get so twisted with so much self-loathing and hatred that blur reality. I actually slightly equated what I did before my diagnosis of Crohn's may be to blame for the problem, which is a mix of good old Catholic guilt in the time fo lent, with now being scared of pleasure, as if I no longer deserve it. I know this is cooky crazy, but most of all how foolish it is to deny our feelings and lay dragon eggs, that only grow larger the more they are ignored.

I said, "Thank you for visiting, I have to go now," which seems to help.

So on the March 27th, I may go in for an outpatient, one appointment or two appointment or even three step process. Or, I may go from there to the hospital, connected to the office building by a bridge, for surgery and a few days at the medical hotel. Luckily, since I am not connected, I won't have to go on the NPO flavored liquid diet afterwards. Hospital food is so much better than in the 1970's when it was dry ham and lima beans.

I wish everyone the best health you can find.

I am thinking of the Eagle's Hotel California and have Crohn's lyrics:

How we dance in our courtyard
Not sweet Winter sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget

So I called up the doctor
Please bring me my wine, he said
"You haven't had that spirit here since 2000 19"

And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel Crohn's Forever
Such a lonely place (such a lonely place), such a lonely face
We're living it up and down at the Hotel Crohn's Forever
Oh, what a harsh surprise (what a harsh surprise), bring your alibis

Please Love Yourself, no matter where you are or where you will be, or what happens, we always wake up with ourselves in our own Hotel Crohn's Forever.