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How do you accept this type of failure?

I have been married 31 years, my husband as I have explained before is not at all
understanding of my CD. I was diagnosed at 28, I am now 53, we started dating at 17.
For various reasons my husband is not my biggest cheer leader, in his eyes I don't do much right, from folding his laundry to grocery shopping etc, etc. His mother didn't want him to marry me and at 22, you just don't understand the impact of that. No I am not "holding" onto things, those are the facts of my life.
My husband now has stage 4 pancreatic cancer, I know what this means for us. I cant begin to tell you how hard it is to care for someone, be there and support someone who couldn't be bothered to be there for you. BTW- I still cant fold his t-shirts well enough- which is funny because I was a retail mgr who always got recognition for keeping my store above company standards. In front of our family
Dr last week he had the nerve to tell our family Dr that I didn't have any idea what it was like to suffer from bowel issues due to medication. Our Dr just looked at him and said, Joe I know your not that far out of touch with reality, what do you
think Laurens gone through all these years?
We finally say some people through church to "work through" a few issues. Let me say, I believe in God but I don't believe God wants me where I am at. One of my problems? I am wanting joy to come through my husband- nope my joy will come through God, then I will be happy with my husband. Nope I said, I am not a nun- ( I am not even talking about a physical relationship right now, cancer takes that away!) I am married to Joe- I expect to have a relationship with him. I have expectations in this relationship. Well, I am wrong again.

What I can tell you, its a very lonely and frightening time. I don't think I could feel more down than I do now- I don't know what it will be like if something happens to him and I look back and know he never loved me for me, never accepted me for me- that I was never good enough for him. That everything I do pisses him off! How do you live with that?

Thank you for taking the time to listen

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now Lauren. I'm not going to sit here & man bash your husband as that's the last thing you need to hear right now. I'm not sure if your husbands cancer is terminal or if he's undergoing treatment with hope of success? I imagine stage 4 means the prognosis is not great. If that's the case may I suggest you throw all your energy (and with Crohns that may be some what limited energy) into making the most of your time with your husband. That may sound quirky given how he's treated you over the years (and I'm very impressed you stayed around long enough to see it this far), but now you have the chance to be the bigger person. The good godly woman that you are. You can smile through gritted teeth at his sly digs knowing this is not forever - your time is coming. Your freedom is just around the corner. You will have the clear conscience at the end of it all. You've made it this far with this selfish man, you can do a few more months. Then once the dust settles you can spread your wings & soar.
Remember- you did your very best, especially given how poorly you have been. He's the one that had the problem- not you. I'm sure your shirt folding is fine but really in the whole scheme of things (and from an outsider looking in) how petty is this man really?! Sometimes you just can't please everyone & with crohns the priority has to be your health. Obviously with his cancer this is a short term situation & if by some miracle he survives then make a promise to yourself that the minute he hits remission you pack your bags & go & start yourself a new life free from the chains of suppression...
Good luck to you whatever the outcome & remember you are a warrior & stronger than you think xoxoxoxox
Thanks for your responces, somedays I deal with this better than others. I know he's in a bad place too, I just wish we could have a little bit of peace every once in awhile



Super Moderator
Are you his primary caregiver? It sounds like you need some respite. Are you able to have someone else (from your church maybe?) take care of him for a few hours so that you can get away? I think that might help if you could have some time to yourself - just to read, or have a massage, or do something just for yourself. You are doing your best in a truly terrible situation, so please give yourself permission to be a bit selfish from time to time and to take care of yourself and your own needs. You might also want to look for a support group for cancer caregivers - you mentioned being lonely, and finding others in similar situations might help with that aspect.

I wish I could say more than that. Your situation sounds horrendous and you definitely have my sympathy. We're all here for you so feel free to vent as much as you need to on here.