Hello Fellow Members,
Let me start off by giving my story to let you understand where I am coming from. When I was 16 in my Junior year of High School I was having severe stomach pain.I could not run in gym or participate in activities because I was going to the bathroom every hour losing half a cup of blood. I did not come from the best parents and so my parents waited to take me to the doctor. I believe it was about two months later. I told them months before; however, they were busy and did not want to be bothered. So long story short I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and put on prednisone for two years to get the condition under control. So I eventually learned what I could eat and what I could not eat to control the disease. I never drink alcohol, no lettuce, not honey mustard, and so forth. So fast forward 13 years and I now had a career driving tractor trailers was almost ready to buy a house and maybe start a family if the right woman came along. Then boom one night I went to sleep and when I woke up the following morning my right arm and left leg were really really sore and tender. Thirty days later and I could not walk on my left leg and my right arm was frozen in a L shape. I lost my career and spent the next 45 days in the hospital trying to find out what in the world was wrong with my body. Then they said I have something called Ankylosing Spondylitous on top of the Crohns disease.
I walked with a cane for the next three years barely being able to do things like shower, sleep, sit, stand, etc. Finally they found a trial medicine they would try that they were not sure would work and it was called Remicade. Dear God this drug did wonders I felt really good. I would sit in a chair while they administered the drug through a IV drip for three hours and after I was done I would limp home with my cane about a mile and a half. The medicine felt like someone opened my stomach poured in battery acid then closed it back up. I would cane home then I would sleep the next five hours because with the pain all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't care about the pain to be honest because at night I could sleep,sit,stand, and be a normal human again. After three months( the treatments were once per month) I went in for my fourth treatment on month four. I was sitting their with the IV drip and I felt a twitch in my right leg and I do not know why; however, every alarm in my body went off I yelled for the nurse and before I could get nurse out my body started going into convulsions and my eyesight shut off. I don't know why; however, all my senses were gone my brain shut off everything external and was monitoring everything internal heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels, and what was going on with legs, arms, hands, and head. The only way I can describe this my brain went into survival mode to save itself from dying because my brain was passing signals that I do not even understand; however, I could feel every nerve, hair, and piece on my body and my brain wanted to know what it was doing at this instant and was responding in milliseconds. They gave me like 22 shots to counter act the Remicade and I limped back home. I remember sitting at the gas station two doors down because I was so sore and mentally/physically tired I could hardly limp home and I needed 30 minutes for my body and brain to figure out what had just happened. Then my doctor suggested Humira ( Well he suggested trying Remicade Again and I said no I almost died once and I do not want to do that again) so he went with Humira. The Humira does a great job and I am able to walk without a cane; however, many nights I cannot sleep because the pain in my back/leg/and arm hurt really bad and keep me awake. I decided I could not let a disability hold me back and since I had no other trained jobs or specialties it was time to a get one. I spent the next four years at a college earning my Bachelors Degree in Business Administration. I graduate and guess what. Their are no jobs for a degree in this field that pay over $12 per hour. Hmmm I spent $60,000 for a degree and their are no jobs so college was a waste basically. Now six months later and my Crohns disease and my Ankylosing Spondylitous disease have decided to work togethor or something. I go to the bathroom like 8-10 times a day sometimes losing blood again. My ankylosing spondylitous my hips hurt so bad it feels like someone has beaten them with a ball bat and I can no longer move my neck to the right or the left maybe 25 degrees in either direction because my spine is starting the fusing together process. No one wants a person that is all physically messed up even my own family and I cannot say I blame them. However, I feel like everything I did the degree, fighting this disease, and holding a 3.3 GPA in college (It was not easy) was all in vain and a waste of my time and everyone else's. I just wanted a career, house, family, to feel normal for once in my life and I don't know what to do now other then I simply feel like throwing my hands up and saying God you defeated me I don't know what to do just end the misery please. I have never felt so broken or worthless. How do I even consider myself a person if I cannot work, provide a house, car for a wife myself. What is the point in even trying. How do I even accept myself as just a failure after all I have tried all I have done. I have had 4 careers, nice cars, decent paying jobs and I cannot even get back up to where I fell from even after all the ambition, motivation, I gave myself. I even remember a week after I started college I told my dad I was going to try to get a degree and he told me I was wasting my time because I would quit or the degree would not work. Maybe I should have just listened to him. I am sorry if I am going on it is just I have no one to talk to about these things and I don't know what to do now; however, I have to do something and I don't know what to do. I feel lost and defeated. Thank you for reading this and please tell me what your thoughts are and what do you think I should do. Thank you
Let me start off by giving my story to let you understand where I am coming from. When I was 16 in my Junior year of High School I was having severe stomach pain.I could not run in gym or participate in activities because I was going to the bathroom every hour losing half a cup of blood. I did not come from the best parents and so my parents waited to take me to the doctor. I believe it was about two months later. I told them months before; however, they were busy and did not want to be bothered. So long story short I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and put on prednisone for two years to get the condition under control. So I eventually learned what I could eat and what I could not eat to control the disease. I never drink alcohol, no lettuce, not honey mustard, and so forth. So fast forward 13 years and I now had a career driving tractor trailers was almost ready to buy a house and maybe start a family if the right woman came along. Then boom one night I went to sleep and when I woke up the following morning my right arm and left leg were really really sore and tender. Thirty days later and I could not walk on my left leg and my right arm was frozen in a L shape. I lost my career and spent the next 45 days in the hospital trying to find out what in the world was wrong with my body. Then they said I have something called Ankylosing Spondylitous on top of the Crohns disease.
I walked with a cane for the next three years barely being able to do things like shower, sleep, sit, stand, etc. Finally they found a trial medicine they would try that they were not sure would work and it was called Remicade. Dear God this drug did wonders I felt really good. I would sit in a chair while they administered the drug through a IV drip for three hours and after I was done I would limp home with my cane about a mile and a half. The medicine felt like someone opened my stomach poured in battery acid then closed it back up. I would cane home then I would sleep the next five hours because with the pain all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't care about the pain to be honest because at night I could sleep,sit,stand, and be a normal human again. After three months( the treatments were once per month) I went in for my fourth treatment on month four. I was sitting their with the IV drip and I felt a twitch in my right leg and I do not know why; however, every alarm in my body went off I yelled for the nurse and before I could get nurse out my body started going into convulsions and my eyesight shut off. I don't know why; however, all my senses were gone my brain shut off everything external and was monitoring everything internal heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels, and what was going on with legs, arms, hands, and head. The only way I can describe this my brain went into survival mode to save itself from dying because my brain was passing signals that I do not even understand; however, I could feel every nerve, hair, and piece on my body and my brain wanted to know what it was doing at this instant and was responding in milliseconds. They gave me like 22 shots to counter act the Remicade and I limped back home. I remember sitting at the gas station two doors down because I was so sore and mentally/physically tired I could hardly limp home and I needed 30 minutes for my body and brain to figure out what had just happened. Then my doctor suggested Humira ( Well he suggested trying Remicade Again and I said no I almost died once and I do not want to do that again) so he went with Humira. The Humira does a great job and I am able to walk without a cane; however, many nights I cannot sleep because the pain in my back/leg/and arm hurt really bad and keep me awake. I decided I could not let a disability hold me back and since I had no other trained jobs or specialties it was time to a get one. I spent the next four years at a college earning my Bachelors Degree in Business Administration. I graduate and guess what. Their are no jobs for a degree in this field that pay over $12 per hour. Hmmm I spent $60,000 for a degree and their are no jobs so college was a waste basically. Now six months later and my Crohns disease and my Ankylosing Spondylitous disease have decided to work togethor or something. I go to the bathroom like 8-10 times a day sometimes losing blood again. My ankylosing spondylitous my hips hurt so bad it feels like someone has beaten them with a ball bat and I can no longer move my neck to the right or the left maybe 25 degrees in either direction because my spine is starting the fusing together process. No one wants a person that is all physically messed up even my own family and I cannot say I blame them. However, I feel like everything I did the degree, fighting this disease, and holding a 3.3 GPA in college (It was not easy) was all in vain and a waste of my time and everyone else's. I just wanted a career, house, family, to feel normal for once in my life and I don't know what to do now other then I simply feel like throwing my hands up and saying God you defeated me I don't know what to do just end the misery please. I have never felt so broken or worthless. How do I even consider myself a person if I cannot work, provide a house, car for a wife myself. What is the point in even trying. How do I even accept myself as just a failure after all I have tried all I have done. I have had 4 careers, nice cars, decent paying jobs and I cannot even get back up to where I fell from even after all the ambition, motivation, I gave myself. I even remember a week after I started college I told my dad I was going to try to get a degree and he told me I was wasting my time because I would quit or the degree would not work. Maybe I should have just listened to him. I am sorry if I am going on it is just I have no one to talk to about these things and I don't know what to do now; however, I have to do something and I don't know what to do. I feel lost and defeated. Thank you for reading this and please tell me what your thoughts are and what do you think I should do. Thank you
