How to get your spouse to take things seriously?!

[AlliRuns]

I don't want to sound like a nag to my husband, and I could possibly be overreacting, however, I really need him to start taking things seriously.

I've been on Remicade since January, I've been doing really well with avoiding contact with people who are sick (had a few people at work who had pneumonia) and avoiding putting myself at risk for picking something up. The pharmacist told me that the members of your household also need to take similar precautions, I talked to my husband about this, but he's not taking me seriously.

For example, he continues to forget to bring his shower sandals to the gym and keeps picking up athletes foot, the first time I got athlete's foot was because he had it first. Last week I found a tube of antifungal cream in the bathroom, so I asked him if he had athlete's foot again, and he laughed at me.

Yesterday he started coming down with flu symptoms, yet he insists on hovering in my face (I may also have personal space issues, but that's another story), and again when I tried to talk to him about it, he laughed at me.

We were out somewhere and he thought it would be funny to stick his fingers in my face after touching who knows what and again laughed at me.

Everytime I try to talk to him about not putting me at risk for getting sick, he just laughs at me. I don't want to sound like a nagging wife or a germaphobe, but I just want him to take it a little bit more seriously. But when I ask him to, he either laughs more, or sulks.

Don't know what to do? Do I just drop the issue altogether?

 

[xX_LittleMissValentine_Xx]

When you try to address the issue, do you talk to him calmly or kinda shout at him?
Maybe for maximum effect you need to do the opposite. Like I don't really shout a lot so I reckon if I did people would be like woah!
I think its strange that he is laughing. This makes me think he is uncomfortable with the issue and trying to hide it.
Do you talk to him much about your illness?
I think you need to ask him why he isn't taking it seriously. Like, do you actually not care that I am taking serious drugs.
You don't have to take my advice because obviously I'm not in the relationship and you probably know best from past situations how to deal with things. But I think you need to delve a little deeper than just the hygiene part.

 

[Jennifer]

I think having my husband sit with me while got one of my infusions helped him understand the meds I'm on better. Now he doesn't like that I'm on it when before his attitude was very indifferent because he didn't really know anything about it.

My husband let's me know when he's been around sick people and doesn't kiss or touch me (unless its my back) when he's sick. He's been sick a few times at home and I didn't catch what he got because we both try to be very careful.

I Lysol things at home like door knobs, the toilet, phones, Remotes keyboards etc. We also have hand sanitizer at home (and we wash our hands) and I carry hand sanitizer on me at all times. We both use public transit so hand sanitizer is a must have.

Really I'm lucky because my husband is more careful than I am.

If your husband refuses to wear sandals in public showers (ick to public showers in general) then you have two options to help yourself. You can clean the shower every single time you want to take a shower or you can wear sandals in your own home. Sounds lame but if your husband sees how hard you're working at it then he might take things more seriously.

Also letting out your true feelings and a good cry helps for me (in front of him of course).

 

[AlliRuns]

The only time I have shouted is when he started laughing at me for like the millionth time and I had enough. I gave him the complete low-down after I spoke to the pharmacist before my first infusion. He also read the drug information pamphlet that the hospital gave to me.

We have talked lots about my illness, but I think sometimes he lives with his head in the clouds.

He also usually doesn't listen to most things I tell him, usually it doesn't bother me, but this is the one thing that I actually need him to retain. Maybe if I hid the x-box, he would start to listen.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Does your husband take your illness seriously at all or is it just the Remicade? Because it sounds to me like this might be a symptom of a larger problem. My hubby didn't take my illness seriously at all for a long time either. I was undiagnosed and the doctors couldn't find anything, so I think he thought that I was faking or doing it for attention or something. Then, he got kidney stones. Suddenly he was experiencing nausea, vomiting, intense abdominal pains that could come out of nowhere and could incapacitate him and force him to miss things he wanted to do. Sound familiar? His urologist wanted to take a "wait and see" approach to see if hubby could pass the kidney stones himself (he couldn't) so for 6 months he had to deal with those symptoms. He takes me a lot more seriously now because he has some idea of what my illness is all about, and that it's real and serious and I'm not just looking for attention. He told me he thought maybe I did a "voodoo curse" (his words) on him so that he'd get sick too.

So that's just my experience - my hubby had to get hit with health issues of his own in order to wrap his head around mine. It sucked for my hubby, probably the worst 6 months of his life, but at the risk of sounding heartless, I'm really thankful and grateful that he had to go through it! It pretty much saved our marriage, seriously. I know there's no way to make your husband get sick short of poisoning him or whatever (unless you actually know voodoo? ), but that was really the only way for my hubby to "get it" - he had to live it. I'm sorry that wasn't much help, but it's the only thing that really helped us in my experience. Nothing short of that would get it through his head.

 

[Ihurt]

Hi Alliruns,

I do Not think you are being a nag to him. I am not even taking a bilologic med, but when I do I get sick, I tend to get reeeally sick. I mean for instance, when I get a simple cold, well it is not so simple for me. I usually get severe muscle pains and chills and all that when I have just a cold. So I am paranoid about getting sick. Hell I wont even beat around the bush, I do boarder on being a germaphobe, but for good reason. I am lucky that my husband is pretty understanding and he is constantly washing his hands and being careful. Now my 21 year old son, he gets on my nerves. When I tell him to wash his hands, he just tells me, " your such a paranoid"! He always hangs out with his friends when they are sick( they even drink and eat after each other I am sure!). I mean sometimes I have had full blown screaming matches with him about it. I totally understand where you are coming from, I mean you have every right to be leary of getting sick!

I guess maybe sit down and have a talk with him about it if you can. Explain that being on these meds you have to be careful not to get sick because even a cold could be bad for you. I mean obvisouly we cant hide from getting sick forever, we all are going to get sick at one point, but at least if your hubby can be more careful maybe it can be prevented as much as possible. Yeah, but you are not alone there, I agree with you on this.

 

[AlliRuns]

He kind of takes the illness seriously, but kind of doesn't. I could be released from the military, and he doesn't believe it will happen and doesn't think we should make any "what if" plans just because he knows other people that have been able to stay in (likely because they haven't violated the two lists, list A is a list of symptoms or conditions, list B is a list of medications, violate the lists and you get recommended for release, I violate both.

He has had some medical issues, he is going for knee surgery #2 next week, 2nd one in 6 months. But he's not taking his knee issues seriously either and doing stupid stuff like running and making it so bad that he has to call me because he can't get out of the car.

Maybe I can plant subliminal messages in Call of Duty? I hate Call of Duty btw.. Bane of my existence.

 

[Ya noy]

Maybe I can plant subliminal messages in Call of Duty? I hate Call of Duty btw.. Bane of my existence.

For my husband, it's Skyrim.

I usually have the best luck at getting my husband to listen if I don't say anything to him about it immediately, and wait until later.

If I do it immediately, then he perceives it as "scolding" which he doesn't respond well to. If I say anything to him in front of anyone else, that he definitely won't respond well to.

If I really want him to do something, I wait until the evening, when we're home alone and I have his full attention.

On the subject of germs though? Not a door I'd want to open. He already believes that the over-sanitization our modern world is directly responsible for the under-development of our immune systems, leaving us vulnerable to far more illnesses and diseases than we would be otherwise. He believes cleaning products are poisons, that enter the body through your skin, even when you walk on a clean floor with bare feet, and if you're going to use dangerous chemicals and allow them to touch your skin, you might as well just guzzle them down, etc.......

....I could go on and on, explaining this bizarre theory of his, which is just one of many, but would rather not. I wouldn't bring up the subject to germs to my husband either, because I wouldn't want to get him started.

But my husband and I also have separate bathrooms, so he wouldn't be able to infect me with athlete's foot that way. If I had to use the same shower, I'd spray it down with Lysol first, covertly, of course.

If he insisted in hovering over me with the flu, I'd get some of those face masks that cover your nose and mouth like you see on people riding subways in Japan.

He'd probably get the message, but even if he didn't, still wouldn't be able to infect me. If I started wearing a mask, he might get annoyed and try chasing me around the house hacking and coughing. Would my husband actually do something that juvenile? I've never accused him of being an adult, much less rational, so of course he would. But then I could threaten to spray him with a bottle of Windex, so we'd have a Mexican standoff. But that would still be a resolution.

Best of luck!

 

[xmdmom]

I find NVC communication really helpful. You can learn more about it here:http://www.celebrateempathy.com/NVC_Intro.pdf, or
http://www.wanttoknow.info/inspiration/nonviolent_communication_summary_nvcm or
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts

The general formula is:
When _________(insert objective observation), I feel ___________(insert feeling) because I need_______(insert need here.) Would you be willing to _______(insert request here)

When you laugh at me when I talk to you about germs, I feel _______ because I need
?understanding and support. Just my guesses...

Anyway, I highly recommend looking into NVC. It's clear communication and it doesn't blame anyone but it clarifies your feelings and needs and most people will respond positively to that.

Best wishes!

 

[AlliRuns]

I find NVC communication really helpful. You can learn more about it here:http://www.celebrateempathy.com/NVC_Intro.pdf, or
http://www.wanttoknow.info/inspiration/nonviolent_communication_summary_nvcm or
http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts

The general formula is:
When _________(insert objective observation), I feel ___________(insert feeling) because I need_______(insert need here.) Would you be willing to _______(insert request here)

When you laugh at me when I talk to you about germs, I feel _______ because I need
?understanding and support. Just my guesses...

Anyway, I highly recommend looking into NVC. It's clear communication and it doesn't blame anyone but it clarifies your feelings and needs and most people will respond positively to that.

Best wishes!

Interesting concept, will have to look at this. Thanks so much.