This has turned into a wonderful post. I feel very supported! If I remember rightly from your posts, Jake, you are relatively new to Crohns. In that case you are still grieving the illness and losses that go with it. You may be treating yourself harder than you should. It is a scary thing and it is unpredictable. You are dealing with a lot of new adjustments. When I first started getting sick and feeling debilitated, I was very scared.
We have a lot in common when it comes to our families. My guess, is your parents, particularly your father is dealing or coming to terms with more than your illness. If I remember rightly, you are an only son. My brother, who also has CD, is an only son. There are three girls and one boy in our family. He and my father get along okay, but he has let my dad down in many ways. Oh men and their egos! (Sorry to generalize.) My father was an awesome basketball player. He coached basketball and was extremely disappointed when none of his children wanted to play basketball. My brother chose baseball and hockey. When my dad was in a nasty mood, he'd sometimes bring it up by saying things like, "What the h@ll is wrong with my kids. Not a one of them plays basketball. The girls are too prissy, and don't get me started on my son!" Nice! My brother tolerated fishing with my father, but he never really got into it. It must have been very hard for a man who loves fishing, had a sea captain father, and tons of brothers (11 brothers, 1 sister). I started out liking fishing, but I think dad didn't want to deal with girls aboard. He used say things like, "It's not really a good place for girls."
I've always tried to be the peacemaker in the family. I sensed my dad's frustrations and tried to get his attention. I really don't think my father's approval mattered as much to my two sisters. They always did their own thing and played the good girls in the family. My brother had his own interests and kind of played it cool. I was the emotional one who tried to help out. I was also the adventuresome, head strong child, who got in trouble more often than the other girls. I'd say that most of what I'd done and accomplished, I did for two reasons, to help myself out and to please my parents. I did good in school and originally wanted to become a nurse. That greatly pleased my father. My mother was a nurse. I think in dad's mind he saw it as a way for me to meet some doctor to marry and take care of me. I loved the nursing field, but I had problems getting into the program because of the limited slots and long waiting list. I ran out of money and had to move back in with my parents. That was very upsetting to my dad, and he got his digs in every now and then. I found a job and started working for the local school district. I loved working with elementary students, and announced to my parents that I was changing my major to elementary education. That really pissed my dad off. How could I do that after taking all those difficult science classes? He did his best to try to talk me out of it. I think that he was seeing it as his loss, though he would never admit it. The sister closest in age to me also graduated from college. She has an English degree and has never worked in her field once. She's worked mostly in banks, and her husband is in the military, so she has spent much of her adult life as a stay at home mom. My oldest sister married young and never really started college. You can't really count two classes. My brother didn't graduate from college though he has worked some good jobs. I think I was dad's bright spot when it came to his kids, and I was taking that away.
Parents seem to want to live vicariously through their children. My children are two years-old, and almost one. I hope that I don't make the same mistake of putting pressure and conditions on them. I think that many parents grieve the fact that their children aren't what or who they want them to be. That is life, and you and I both know that life isn't fair. I believe that Crohn's Disease has made me stronger in many ways. Sticking up for myself has been one of them. I've also learned from personal experience that there will be some tense even ugly moments when it comes to dealing with loved ones and CD.
I got the courage to talk to my father, and tell him how I've always felt. I never really talked back to my dad because I've always been scared to, but I had tensions brewing that needed to come out. I basically apologized that I wasn't what he wanted and that maybe he wasn't what I wanted either. He looked perplexed and I said, "You wanted a houseful of sons who played basketball, fished, and made a salary of six digits." That's not what you got, I'm part of it, and I'm sorry. Maybe I wanted a nicer dad." That was really gutsy on my part. He looked angry so I was cautious. I said what bothered me, "You make me feel bad for not finishing nursing school. When you say, I've got two kids that are broken (referring to the CD). That really hurts my feelings. I have a lot of things that I want to do with my life. I'm not pretending to be sick. Nobody in their right mind would want to be sick. I'm going to stop mentioning what is going on in my life to you. I feel that you are critical of everything with me. I won't disrespect you, but we just don't get along and it's best to be civil to one another."
I know this is a long post and I apologize for that, but I hope it's helped some. Since that conversation many years ago, my father has come around. He loves his grandchildren. I think he's becoming more empathetic in his older age, now that he has aches and pains of his own, and my mother's health is deteriorating some. He's had digestive troubles off and on, but his, "spit and vinegar," attitude has kept it hidden, and he will never complain. Here is what worked for me when it came to accepting that I had CD:
* Grieving the losses
* Getting angry and venting to those who understood.
* Learning as much as I can about the disease.
* Letting my supervisor know as much about the nature of my disease.
* Understanding what my legal rights were at work, along with discrimination in the workplace.
* Finding an awesome gastroenterologist.
* Changing doctors to one who really respects and believes me
* Educating my family about the disease. I went through my mother, sisters, and brother. When my father was around he listened, though I would direct the comments to someone other than him.
* Being honest with my family when they've been thoughtless or hurtful when my illness was concerned.
* Joining a support group.
* Doing things that I really enjoy. You need to have some fun in your life.
Hopefully, some of the suggestions will help as you start down the road to recovery, life change, and feeling good.
