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I feel like god hates me

The past couple of months have been really rough.

My crohn's has been flaring pretty badly for quite some time now. I had to find a new GI because I moved and he decided it was time for another colonoscopy (first one in 8 years i might add). Not only was the colonoscopy horrific (I was sedated and remember snippets of excruciating pain) but he also couldn't get to my ileum--so i'll have to do another one shortly. Shortly after the colonoscopy I developed a thrombosed external hemorrhoid. This sucker was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced! I was literally immobilized for a month because sitting and walking were too painful. After many weeks the hemmy shrunk down into this bizarre set of skin tags (that still bleed like a hemorrhoid I might add). So I'm going to see a general surgeon to take a look because my physician said that it looked "weird" to him. Recently, I have also developed a pain in my left testicle that occurs when I strain to pee or ejaculate and went to check it out--low and behold I found a lump where the epididymis is. So now I think I have epididymitis along with a hemorrhoid issue and flaring Crohn's.

Here's the catch--I am in my last quarter of college. It's SO HARD to maintain grades with my health being garbage.

Also, my poor girlfriend has to take care of me. I kept my Crohn's a secret for the majority of our relationship and this all has hit her like a ton of bricks.

I just felt like venting a little to people who understand the chronic health issues and difficulties crohn's presents us sufferers with.
 
This was my story when I was in college 25 years ago. I ended up taking some incompletes, recovering my health, and graduating. I had a very rough time throughout college. But with time, I had a remission and enjoyed the life I hoped for. I've had relapses since, but I wish I could tell my younger self to hang on, its going to get better, and one day and you will feel a lot better.

Whatever happens in your future, know that IBD is a crazy bad throw of the dice and undeserved. I understand the need to find some meaning in your suffering. Why in the world is this happening? What purpose does this serve? But you are not being punished for a personal failing. You're toughing it out under very hard circumstances.

Also you might want to consider utilizing any disabled student services at your school or in your community. These programs serve students with hidden disabilities or in a temporary disabling condition like yourself. They may provide support services such as picking up and delivering books, note taking, exam rescheduling, or advocating for you to receive a tuition refund if you need a break. It can be hard to ask, but when professors and administrators understand your situation they can be very supportive. You're not in the "dog ate my homework" or "dude I overslept," category they respond to every day. A discreet doctor's note can help. You can be economical about the details. Administrators just want to know that your condition is serious and verifiable. And it is.

All the best!
 
I was also diagnosed and suffering during my last year or two of college. Rough go. And I had the hemorrhoid issues, finally ended up having surgery for them, I know they can literally make your life come to a halt.
I feel for you. BUT, let me say 20 years and one resection later, I feel better than I ever have. I still take lots of meds and I now follow a Paleo diet, which for me has been a life-saver. Hang in there, there are highs and lows, your in a low.
 

David

Co-Founder
Location
Naples, Florida
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I can't imagine how hard it is to be experiencing what you are AND trying to complete college. My heart goes out to you.

What medications are you currently on?
 
I appreciate the comments from before. I am sure God does not hate you - is there any reason to hate you? My feeling from this forum is that the Crohns community is filled with inspirational individuals, resilient, resourceful, empathetic, and with a necessary sense of humour and appreciation of the finer things in life.

Life has its ups and downs certainly. You are in a difficult situation. Can you postphone college if you think that would help you get the situation under control a bit? I was ill during my last year at uni and they asked me if I wanted to stop and repeat the year later but I said no, because studying was the only thing that kept me going. In the end I personally don't think the grades were so important, maybe it depends want you want to end up doing. I am guessing alot of people change their directions in life, and more than once.
 
I do have to say if God hated you, Jesus would have never hung on the cross.

This is a great place to vent, ask questions, and get information. It does get better. I hate you felt that it was necessary to hide this disease from you girlfriend. If this does not bother her then I can say you have a great partner and she is a blessing in your life. Mates that can deal with people who have crohn's, there is not enough nice words to describe them. I have been in a 5 month flare. Getting my meds straight somewhat, but I still have to have surgery on my booty due to 2 fistulas.

Keep your head up and remember, we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God, but we are all saved by Gods grace.
 
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