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I just want to CRY

Ok here's another moan!!! When are things gonna start going smoothly for me?! I know there are worse things that can happen but I've had such a rough few years and even things that are supposed to be happy are just shadowed by crappy things happening!

I'm gonna give my list of rubbish things over the past few years so you can understand why I'm so upset about the latest events (cos on their own they look a bit pathetic):

Ok so 2 years ago in the SAME MONTH:
I split with my fiance of 8 years
My sister was diagnosed with cancer
My parents disowned me for a short period of time for starting a relationship with my current man (who thankfully they now love, but at the time missed my ex fiance)
I had exams during this month (which thankfully I passed)
I started getting my first crohns symptoms
My heart condition went haywire and I started fainting ALL the time.

My mum was then in hospital with her COPD, again.

Then last summer after yr 4 of med school (the hardest yr of med school) I went on my medical elective to Bali (for 8 weeks)..... had to come home after 2 weeks cos my best friend back here died. Obv I was most upset about my friend, my elective doesnt really matter, but its just an example of how something that was supposed to be really good wasnt.......
2 weeks after she died, my other best friend stabbed me in the back and totally betrayed me with a girl I dont get along with (this is the only girl I dont get along with - and lots of people dont like her at all).

I was hospitalised during this years final exams (as ive moaned about a lot) and by some sheer miracle I've passed.... then instead of being able to celebrate I ended up back in hospital again!!!

Im pretty sure there are more but those are the big events......

So to now........

It's my graduation ball in 2 weeks, I only get one and Ive worked hard for 5 years at med school..... and my boyfriend (whose ticket we've already paid for) is on call that weekend and no one is willing to swap with him.... so it looks like I'm going for the WHOLE weekend away without him - I just want to cry. He's also oncall on the day of my graduation itself in July, but theres more time for him to get that off.....

I'm just so upset, why can't something properly good happen just for once?!?!?! :depressed::(

I know in comparison to the above stuff it's so small..... but it means so much to me.........
Of course it means a lot to you, you've worked hard for it and want to celebrate the fact you've overcome ALL this really tough stuff and made it through to the other side.

I know how you feel though. When you've been through so much tough crap for years on end and everything is looking up, bam. Something else in life hits you around the face. It seems like it's never ending!!

But you know what, you're still here and you're still fighting strong despite everything you've gone through. That's amazing!! And to finish med school on top of it? That's truely amazing. I hope you are proud of yourself missy!!! :)

Yes, it is really crap your bf might not be able to come and I'm sending e-hugs to cheer you up **hugs**. Try and have a good time though, you deserve it!


Dear Lulu
I could write a book of all my tragedies! There are too many to list here.
But it does get better, and it's up to you, no-one else can do that for you.
But you've got to change your mind set first, you've got to let the past go, there's nothing you can do about it, it happened and you've not got to dwell on the past.
Negative vibes will make you see negative things, like why doesn't good things happen.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will help with this, by changing the way you think (cognitive) will change the way you act (behaviour)
By chunking all these tragedies into little ones will let you concentrate on the here and now, not the past. By chunking them, you can address each one, one by one.
The past is soooooooooooooo last season baby!
Try and move on and see the great things in life, good luck, I know you can do it.
Joan xxx
You deserve to be upset regarding the ball. You have worked hard and deserve the party at the end of it. As for your bf not being able to go because no one else will switch off? Well, their day will come hon, trust me. Karma is a very witchy lady! You go, you enjoy yourself with your friends. I am sure your bf told you the same thing.
I for one pass along my congrats to you! I don't know how you pulled it off!
Thanks!! I hope you're right about karma - there's so many doctors working on elderly medicine and not ONE has emailed offering help even though he's put out several emails explaining the situation and pleading for a swap!!

I will have a good time with my friends, but my boyfriend is my literal other half, my rock who has supported me thru all the bad times and who pays for rent and everything cos final year medics dont get as much funding as other years and this year I just havent had enough money to survive.... It would mean the world to share the good times with him as well as the bad!! He deserves the fun times too - he had a good long cry yesterday cos he finds my illness so stressful, all the worrying and admissions. Poor guy deserves some good luck too!

But I do have good friends and will have fun, even if my crohns means I still cant really eat by then...... I have a new dress and new shoes (birthday present from my man - Vivienne Westwood, sooooo beautiful).

Thank you all for your support, I know in the grand scheme of things its a small moan (it really is, ultimately its a Ball, and there are worse things that could happen), its just to me symbolic of the end of med school and a really nice celebratory event and I wanted myself and my ever suffering man to be happy and enjoy ourselves and forget about everything for a while..... plus Im up for a spoof award and its gonna be soooo embarrassing going up to get it in front of everyone, I wanted the boyfriend there to hide behind LOL.... I won "most likely to revise for a pregnancy test" - which basically means Im a big big geek who will revise for anything.... *blush* I'm quite a quiet person so its gonna be so hard to go up in front of the WHOLE year!!!! LOL.

Anyways I'm digressing, thanks so much for ur kind words, I just hope some miracle happens in the next 2 weeks and someone finds it in their heart to help!!

Also on a small note,the second night of the ball is a black tie event, but the first night (cos its a weekend away) is fancy dress on the theme of kids book characters.... and my bf and I planned to go as Pooh and Piglet..... (him Pooh - he's tall and chubby lol like a teddy bear and me as piglet- I'm more than a foot shorter than him)..... I can't go as piglet on my own without my Pooh :-( LOL I know this is really a pathetic moan!!!!
Aww your bf sounds so lovely! The fact you have him around shows that good things can happen to you too!

Shame he won't be there for the fancy dress, but now I really want to know what this lovely Vivienne Westwood dress looks like! Feel free to show us pics if you like! lol

I hope you have a fantastic time with or without your bf and I hope something nice happens to him too.. maybe you'll have to have a special night just for you both to celebrate :)

Also, what's next on the cards for the start of your glittering career in medicine?
:) Thanks Misty! He IS very special and I am so blessed to have him in my life!!

My dress is monsoon, it's my shoes that are vivienne westwood - I shall post some pics after the Ball :) He also bought me a white gold, diamond and topaz bracelet to go with the dress (which is blue). :) He is amazing and thoughtful in everyway!!

My glittering career in medicine? Hmmm well my challenge for summer before i start in august is to get this bloody crohns flare under control, on a weeks course of pred now to try and reign it in (and hopefully by the time of the ball I'll be able to eat the lovely 3 course meal they're putting on). Then I start work in a teaching hospital this yr doing acute medicine, anaesthetics then upper GI surgery.... then who knows what for the next yr but it will be in a DGH hospital then I hope to either do core medical training and become an oncologist (cancer doc) or do acute medicine (essentially admissions, medical patients from A and E without a clear diagnosis go to acute medicine ward and we investigate and manage them and transfer them to the appropriate specialty, get to deal with a wide range of illnesses and diseases and a lot of VERY unwell patients who need a close eye on them, its an exciting job!!).

How are you? I dont think I've ever enquired about what you do and that's awfully rude of me!!!! Apologies!!! :) xxxx


Have a wonderful time at the ball Lulu!
And your man sounds like a keeper too.
Oo that sounds exciting!! I hope you get better quickly so it all goes to plan. It makes me think of Junior doctors that was shown the other month on BBC3. Did you watch it?

I graduated with a BSc in Biomedical sciences last year and I managed to get myself a job as a regulatory affairs executive in the phara industry. It's great because I read about all these different drugs all the time and clinical reports and about new studies etc. Plus I get to sit on my arse all day which makes it easy to deal with my crohn's. It's well paid and to top it off, I got a £2 thousand pay rise today that was completely unexpected as I've only been there for 4 months! It's nice when good things happen for a change!!

But yeah, I did think about doing fast track medicine as it's easy to get onto after my degree, but I didn't want to be poor for the next 4 years and I wouldn't of graduated till I was 30. Plus I think the stress would of gotten to me. That's why I'm so in awe of you managing it!! :)
Oh cool so ur in a similar field to me!! CONGRATS on your pay rise - you must be AWESOME at your job!! well done you!!! Do you deal with all drugs or certain groups of drugs?

Yeah I dont blame you not doing grad medicine, its expensive and long!

I did watch the junior docs programme, it was like watching my future and was TERRIFYING!!! The cambridge grad girl was awful - truly hopeless! One of the doctors apparently went to my med school but I didnt know her!

Thanks!!! My co-worker who started the same time as me, and I both got a sealed envelope today saying private and confidential. We thought we were about to be fired or something. Then we opened it and we just looked at each other with shocked faces. I think we're just both motivated to do well and really want to do well!

Well I work for a consultancy so we deal with drugs for loads of companies including some of the well known ones. I've worked on some oncology clinical trials, drugs like vancocin, some HIV drugs and at the moment I've been writing up clinical and non clinical summaries for a client who wants to market a biosimilar insulin. It's all so interesting. I love it!

Haha she was so unconfident and didn't seem organised at all!! I liked the big guy that played rugby and did like 10 million other things outside of work too! I can see how it would be scary watching it though. You have to remember though that they don't show the boring bits, it makes bad tv! I think you'll be great!! After all, you know what it's like to be a patient too.

Also, I forgot to say.. I look forward to seeing the pics!!
Hey, your right. I've felt the sting of disappointment when something you were looking forward to cannot happen with the boy you adore, but never this sort of it. You have every right to moan about it - going through SO SO much, and yeah, I would want to cry too. But it will be okay, congradulations on getting through school. I'm going through college too, I understand how stressful it is, and thank goodness for my boyfriend. I have not experienced a lot of other troublesome things that you have had to go through though. I think that you should plan a weekend with your man to have your own celebration. And go someplace really nice and vacationy. And have your own fancy dinner date and just be together. On a weekend he does not have work. You deserve it..

Thanks butterfly!! We cant afford a hol atm tho, we've just had to put a deposit on a new house (rented) cos we need somewhere bigger to live and with only his wage coming in till the end of august we're pretty skint currently..... but when I get paid in august I'm hoping to save for a mini break to new york near xmas......

I also remembered last night (whilst having a bit of a cry to him about how bad things have been this past 2 years) that another bad thing that happened was in december I went thru an operation to fix my heart..... it didnt work and now there's nothing my cardio can do except hammer me with high dose medications!! But I shouldnt complain, he's a fab doctor, if he can't fix this no one can!!! Was just gutted not to be fixable!

But anyways, at risk of jinxing myself there is a GLIMMER of hope surrounding the ball......

My bf got an email last night offering a weekend swap, but it turns out he's already on call that weekend..... but that weekend isnt till the end of July so if he can find someone to swap that one he might be able to do a 3 way swap.... so everything crossed that Pooh and Piglet can go to the ball!!! *wishes, hopes and prays*

Thanks for all your well wishes guys, MUCH appreciated!!

UPDATE: the situation is marginally improving: he's managed to switch to days over that weekend which means he will be there for night 2 but prob not night 1.... but we're still trying to get him off for night 1 too..... but some improvement is better than none!!!

WE'VE GOT BOTH NIGHTS!!!!! Soooooo relieved and soooooo very very happy! He's had to do a complicated swap with one doc to days instead of nights then with another doc just the sunday.... but sunday is night 1 so we're going to the ball!!! :)

Thanks for all your well wishes guys... v excited, it's a week away, hope my crohns is a little better by then.... but stuff it I dont care if i cant eat, my man is going with me to share it all with me, thats by far the most important thing!!

im sorry youre feeling so down. i know exactly what you feel. im having trouble with my finace. and i didnt do so well this semester, even though i passed my finals. *sigh* i wish relief for you. i hope things start to go more smoothly for you.
YEYYYYY!!!!!! SEE, good things DO happy!!

But extra glad for you guys! Hope you have the best time and can't wait to see the pics!!

Thanks guys!!!

Misty - I can't quite believe it, or indeed dare to believe it!!! I will post some pics up from the big weekend, :) Thanks for your support..... I'm just so pleased, i dont care if i cant eat a bite of the meals.... my man will be there and nothing else quite matters. :)



London, UK
Glad to hear it, Lulu. And I read in another thread the Pred seems to be working for you, so maybe you'll be able to eat the meal too and... shock horror, actually be able to enjoy the whole thing just like everyone else?!! Hope I didn't just jinx it ;) Have a great time.
Hi Ian, thanks for your well wishes, YES pred is WORKING (please dont let me have just jinxed that) I woke up this morning and after a tiny bit of pain and pooping last night before bed, I feel.... dare I say it? NORMAL!!!! I'm actually really perky and pain free today and just wanna get out into the world and have some fun!!! I'm gonna be careful with food and tbh at the ball I prob wont eat much at all for fear of setting things off..... but I dont care right now!!!! :)

Thank you all for your support recently, hope you're all feeling well today!!!!!