I need serious, grown up advice !

[4peace]

I really need some advice from someone who is married. My husband (2nd) really wants a baby of his own ( I have a 9 yr old from previous marriage).
When we got married 2 1/2 yrs ago, I was all for it, I just wanted to get rid of some of the debt we both brought to the marriage. Over the last 2 years I have been hospitalized twice and am worn out from dealing with this disease for 14 yrs. I have decided deep, deep down that I do not want to have another child because I'm struggling daily with this disease, arthritis and fibro.

I love my husband, I want him to be happy, fullfilled and love his life. However, I also know my limits, and love myself enough to pay attention to them. I'm tired. I'm sick, I work 2 jobs. My son is finally at the age where he understands if I'm not feeling well, then we are just going to have a mellow evening. My husband works 12 hr shifts so even though I KNOW he would be very involved in our child's life, I also know what it takes to be a great mom. I struggle a lot, not just with energy and illness, but with the guilt that goes along with not feeling well enough to run around and be that fun crazy mom my son would love for me to be.
I just can't start all over again...
I know how incredibly selfish this sounds to everyone, but is it wrong to not want to sacrifice my health ?
Someone will reply with "don't let this disease run your life" or "you'll go into remission eventually"....
I appreciate that, but I just feel like I'm at my limit and don't want to push myself even more than I already do.
I told my husband that I support him if he decides that he needs to leave because I really really want him to be happy.

Am I being the biggest jerk on earth? Because I feel like I am......
The thing about parenting is...when you're sick you can't "cancel" being a mom or call in sick....and people I'm worn out!
ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!

 

[Sailorluna]

I have two children. They are 7 and 9, both girls. I had them before I knew I had Crohns. In the last 3 years it has gotten bad. There is no way I would be able to have another child. I don't think you are being selfish, I think you are being honest.

If it is just that he wants another child, perhaps you could adopt an older one or be a foster parent?

 

[4peace]

Sailorluna: thank you SOOO much for your candid reply, you have no idea what it means to me to hear that another mom feels the way I do.
He doesn't want to adopt or foster, he wants his "own". I don't fault him for that at all, it's wonderful...but I can't change this disease and how i feel.
He is really struggling with having to make this decision...and it breaks my heart that we are where we are.
Thanks again for your reply.

 

[Cross-stitch gal]

Hey,
I've been married for over 10 years and admit that we don't have any acual kids. Our children are our hens that we have in our backyard.

Not knowing your total medical situation it's a bit hard to give you total advice. Honestly, I don't blame you for not wanting this extra challenge. But, I do think that this would be a serious conversation to have with your husband. Another idea would be to have the two of you go into see your doctor and ask all the risks physically that you'd be going through to help you decide for sure.

Hope all goes well for you no matter what. Xxxxxxx

 

[4peace]

Thanks Cross-Stitch.
WE've had many serious conversations. Hopefully it all works out in the end.

 

[Earnellzwifey]

I have 2 kids 17 and 13. I have been sick lost of my life an I had a hard time with both of them. They are not my husbands biological kids an he would love to have one of his own also. He want me to get my tubes untied but we sat down and talked about it. He know that I would be a mess if I had to go off all my meds to try and support a pregnancy. He understands but still craves having his own.

I also gave him the decision to leave if he ant handle that I will not be having anymore kids. So far he is still here but ultimately the decision is his. If he stay I told him don't hold it over my head and if he leave don't expect me to be ready to take home back if things don't go his way.

You know your body and what you can handle husband or not don't let him pressure into something you dont think is right. It would probably just cause more problems in the end. HOpe everything works out for the best.

 

[4peace]

I can always count on my Crohn's Forum Family for words of advice and encouragement.
Earnellzwifey- thank you. I feel like crying because it sounds like you completely understand, and that is so helpful when you feel very alone!
Hugs

 

[karj]

Hi
I am in a slightly different position to you in that I am 30 and i want to start a family. But like you I am very sick and tired at the moment and my doctor told me not to even dream of starting a family until my body is right. If your tired, ran down, and sick all the time well chances are you won't be able to get pregnant, or worse you could loose the baby during pregnancy. Your husband needs to understand your disease, and that you can't go through a pregnancy without being 100% healthy. Get him to read up on pregnancy and crohn's maybe then he might rethink things?? Also maybe it might be good for you to try and see what you can do to get your crohn's under control, right now you are tired, stressed with work, etc. but if you felt better and got your crohn's into remission, you might feel different about another child - just a thought. i think focus in the next year and getting loads of nutrients and being as healthy as possible and reevaluate then?

 

[AIjen]

I have two kids that were born before I was diagnosed with Crohn's - they are now 13 and 9 (14 and 10 in December). I couldn't even fathom having another one (I've had a hysterectomy, so it's not even an option) right now or in the last few years. They are both able to amuse themselves and know that I am not a "normal" mom. I take a lot of naps - only one a day, but usually every day for the past couple years. I work a part time job, 5 hours a day, and know I couldn't even handle anything more than that much less a baby. Having said all that, my Crohn's isn't even severe like most of everyone else's on here. I have more of a constipation Crohn's, so I'm not on the toilet every 10 minutes. I can't imagine having a new baby (as much as I would LOVE a baby!) right now even though I believe I am in remission and have never had anything serious go wrong due to Crohn's, so I REALLY can't imagine having a baby with very active Crohn's. I believe you and your husband have to sit down and have some serious discussions. He must see how exhausted and sick you are. I also believe the urge to have a child is a huge thing and not easily overcome, so it may take a while for it to really sink in. Maybe get a dog or a cat. They are much easier, but still bring you great joy. Good luck! I hope everything turns out well. Oh. And I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL. This disease is very selfish, but the people it affects are not. You're just in protection mode. You want to protect yourself and that is a natural thing.

 

[deb123]

Hi,
All the above posts really give good advice from all angles. I have 2 girls that i had after being diagnosed with Crohns. I was extremely well when i was pregnant, but flared quite quickly once i had given birth. I totally relate to all the things you wrote, and i know that having to start again throws all kind of worries into the mix. I feel i have to apologise when im ill, and it makes me feel guilty that im not Supermum! I think you know what your body is capable of right now - i didnt note how old you are.

In a flare your body is being drained constantly - i tell my partner its like having a gastroenteritus bug day in day out.

Maybe tell your husband how robbed you feel that you are not well enough to bear his child - it clearly is something that you would wish for if your health was better.

Good luck with everything - i wish you the best.

 

[4peace]

To all tof the women who replied to my post....
Thank you for your reassurance and advice. This forum is such a blessing. I don't have a crohns/colitis support group near me, so you all are invaluable !
Hugs to you all...

 

[Manorexico]

My children are 4.5 years and 2 years old. I was not diagnosed with Crohns until after my pregnancies. However, it showed up during my first pregnancy and took over a year after my youngest was born to be diagnosed. It is hard I am not going to lie, but for me it is very worth it. In fact if not for my kids I probably wouldnt get out of bed every day but as you have one already I am sure you know that feeling. For me the joy of having them out weighs all things. Its completely up to you obviously but if it were me I would do it again. My kids are also both special needs so it makes things more difficult but at the same time it makes me focus on things other than myself.

 

[shamrock15]

From my viewpoint (male with long history of crohn's) - we had our first child 4.5 years ago. I went into some pretty serious crohn's issues and related anemia. Both of us wanted another, and were willing to accept another if it happened, but were no longer going to actively pursue it. The anemia came close to doing me in, and as much as I love my girl and would no dobt love another child, I don't think I could voluntarily go through it again. I do think really loving your partner means sometimes having to put aside your own dreams, even lifelong ones, if it means the health and wellbeing of your partner. Take care of your health, your child and your husband by saying no in this case. "If you love someone, set them free." He has to decide if you are more important to him than his being a biological father.

 

[Ckt]

4peace..oh sweetie!such a difficult position for you! I have no children and couldn't since I had a hysterectomy when I was 25,probably thought now to be a consequence of my crohns. I always wanted...very badly but now,knowing what I know and having been through what I have been through, I'm grateful that I don't have children. I cannot imagine dealing with this chronic illness and raising children too! It's enough to deal with this..and for you,to have one child and two jobs!my hat is off to you!i don't know how you do it actually or how anyone does.
As others have said, you know your body and mind well and know what you can and can't do. Knowing your limits is both loving to yourself and to the family you now have. I'm not sure how fair it would be to bring another one into your world if you feel you are at your limit now.
For myself, I look back on the past 10 years and thank god I didn't have another dependent on me. It was all I could do to make it day by day with only me and no job. I could barely keep it together for myself and needed my family to help me.
So, have yet another honest conversation with your husband. Tell him what you have told us. If you cannot do it you cannot do it. Period.
I admire your honesty and your strength in continuing onward with your family and your jobs. It can't be easy! Hugs and love!!:kiss:

 

[nitty]

My kids are 11 years and 9 years old and thankfully have been able to manage their own needs when I was pretty ill (I was only diagnosed a year ago, so didn't have to deal with it when they were babies - impossible, I reckon!)

The point I want to make is that when we consider coping with having another baby/child, we do so assuming that the child will be healthy itself. All too often, though, there could be issues with the child that we did not expect. If a 'normal' child would be difficult to cope with, how would you manage if there were other unexpected circumstances. One of my close friends had a baby who was severely disabled at birth and her life has been a constant struggle.

I know that the odds are that everything would be ok, but if you were already at breaking point with a healthy, well-behaved child, could you really manage if there were other problems to overcome?

I wanted another child, but after 2 emergency caesarians and post-natal depression I had to count my blessings and accept that we were lucky to have what we have. My mum said to me "Why struggle with another baby, when you can really enjoy what you've already got now?"

I can understand your husband's need to have his own biological child, but if it comes at the expense of the happiness of the family he already has, perhaps he needs to think about whether it's worth it.

I would think that proper counselling is the way to go here, because the wrong decision either way could be costly to all of you.

This is one disease where you really have to put yourself first, for the sake of you and your son.

All the best!
Nitty

 

[Carrie]

I've actually had a chat with my husband about this in the past few months. I know he'd really like to have children, and would like to have at least one that is our own. I'm pretty indifferent to children, but would be willing if we were a bit more settled. However, the idea of carrying babies plus the risks of flaring during or post pregnancy really puts me off. I'm actually well and in remission at the moment, and I told my husband that I would rather enjoy the next few years in remission, rather than risk getting sick from a pregnancy (not to mention trying to deal with a newborn whilst ill).

I'm incredibly selfish in this because I am the one who will have to deal with the consequences in the long-term. I'm happy to adopt in the future, and would differently consider a surrogate if having a baby with our DNA is important enough to him, but I am not happy to sacrifice my health (and to be honest, not sure if I'm sure I want to risk passing it along to my offspring).

 

[nitty]

Please try not to think that you're being selfish. Of course you have to consider yourself, but you are also looking out for your son, who would also lose out if you were to become more ill again due to having another child. There are so many people in the world who are unable to have their own biological children, and whose lives are made complete by other children in their lives, by whatever means. Would your husband be so adamant about having his own biological child if you didn't already have one of your own?

Stick to your guns. It's one thing to take the risk if you really want another child yourself, and then if you have problems you know it was as much your choice as his. But I think to go ahead purely to please him could be a recipe for disaster if it doesn't go smoothly.