Joke

Crohn's Disease Forum

Help Support Crohn's Disease Forum:

imisspopcorn said:
What can be broken by saying 'it'???
Click to expand...
Silence

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
 
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
 
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."
 
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
 
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
 
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'
 
I wonder how many sick days people who work for the Center for Disease Control get?
 
Do you think Captain Crunch is pissed that he hasn't been promoted in over 40 years?
 
Just so long as he doesn't get busted down to seaman crunch. Don't think I'd be eating that cereal any time soon......
 
farm said:
Do you think Captain Crunch is pissed that he hasn't been promoted in over 40 years?
Click to expand...
Is it just me - or does Captain Crunch taste different than it did when we were kids? I don't think it tastes as good - more like cardboard!
 
Yeah. Boo Berry's not the same either. They said on Unwrapped that they haven't changed it since it was first created, but I don't believe it. The texture's not the same.
 
I used to pick the berries out and just suck on them until they collapsed.

DanSJVDavis said:
Yeah. Boo Berry's not the same either. They said on Unwrapped that they haven't changed it since it was first created, but I don't believe it. The texture's not the same.
Click to expand...

Liers! You are right Dan - it doesn't taste the same! Didn't they make it whole grain the last few years?
 
Lucky Charms bother my stomach...I don't think they get digested very well..I will leave it at that.
 
imisspopcorn said:
Lucky Charms bother my stomach...I don't think they get digested very well..I will leave it at that.
Click to expand...
Pooping the rainbow! LOL
 
An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor for a checkup. All of his tests come back with
> normal results. The doctor says, 'Bert, everything looks great. How are you
> doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
>
> Bert replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
> he's > fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
> bathroom,> *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
>
> 'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
>
> A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. 'Ethel,' he
> says, 'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
> relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
> and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
> *poof*! the light goes off?'
>
> 'OH MY GAWD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!'.
>
 
imisspopcorn said:
Lucky Charms bother my stomach...I don't think they get digested very well..I will leave it at that.
Click to expand...
Probably a hoot when you eat Alpha-Bits then. Hey, I spelled antidisestablishmentarianism in the toilet! AWESOME! ;)

It's like a game of poop Scrabble.
 
[FONT=&quot]The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+
years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed
to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a
raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but
he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,














"What's for dinner,Batman?"

[/FONT]
 
Two fish swim in to a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
 
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive".
 
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
 
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
 
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He said to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
 
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
 
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
 
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
 
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."
 
I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom.



I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
 
imisspopcorn said:
I got this new deodorant today.

The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom.



I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
Click to expand...
LMAO!!!!
 
A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

(scroll down to read more)




Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!........ That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ....................he farted.


The End
=
 
whats the definition of penile dementia?

when you haven't had it for so long, youv'e forgotton how to use it!!!
 
The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office
in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr.
Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy The
council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?" No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.
 
Fireman comes home one night and says to his wife.
From now on when I want to have sex we'll be using the bell system
just like the fire station.
Oh really she says.
Yup, when I yell bell one you run to the bedroom.
When I yell bell two you strip naked
When I yell bell three you jump on the bed spread eagle
And when I yell bell four we make hot passionate love.
Little later he yells bell one. Off she runs
He yells bell two. She strips naked.
He yells bell three. She jumps on the bed spread eagle.
Bell four he yells and they start makeing hot passionate love.
After a few minutes she yells
Bell five! bell five!

Bell five he says, what the hell is bell five.
She yells

More hose, more hose! Your no where near the fire.
 
Two gay gentleman were living together.
The one comes home from work to find his partner rubbing Vaseline all over his chest. He says to his partner "What do you think your doing?"
The other says. "I read in a magizine that if you rub Vaseline all over your chest it will help you grow hair."
The first one says " Do you really believe that bs."
" Well, yes I do. It says it right here in this magazine."
"Think about it" says the first one "If that was true you'd be growing a ponytail outta your butt."
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly..'
 
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General Hospital
 
LMAO!

Two condoms walk into a bar, shortly after they realize its a gay bar. One says to the other "Looks like we're getting chit faced tonite!"
 
Little Henry, the mild mannered accountant had been working the same job for 15 yrs. He always walked the same sidewalk to work every day. One day as he walked to work he spots a ladder rising up into the clouds.
He thinks to himself "I've done the same thing for 15 yrs and I need a change, I'm going to climb that ladder and see where it goes."
So up the ladder he climbs. Way up until he gets to the top of a cloud. Sitting on that cloud was a scantly dress homely woman that says to Henry.
"T ake me now or climb the ladder to success"
Well Henry thinks "I think I'll keep climbing and see whats on the next cloud."
So up he climbs again. When he gets to the second cloud there lies an attractive scantly dress woman who says ina sexy voice.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Now henry has to think a little about this one, but he decides to see what is on the next cloud. It must get better he figures. So up the ladder he climbs again. When he reaches the 3rd cloud there lies the most beautiful woman he's ever seen and in the most suductive voice he's ever heard she says
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success."
Poor Henry is flabbergasted and he wonders to himself. "What if I go to the next cloud. Maybe there is a more beautiful woman there."
So up the ladder he goes. Higher and higher until he reachs the top of the last cloud at which the ladder ends.
Henry steps off the ladder and through a doorway. The door slams shut and poor Henry is frightened out of his mind. He tryies to open the door but it won't budge. He hears a sound behind him and he slowly turns around and sees a 350 lb biker glaring at him. In a scared quiet voice he asks

WHOOO AREEE YUOOO?

and the biker answers "I'm Cess."
 
A man was walking down the sidewalk passed a bar when he heard the most beautiful piano music he'd ever heard. So he walks into the bar and looks around but doesn't see a piano in the place. But yet there was that beautiful music.
So he goes to the bartender and asks where is that beautiful piano music coming from?
The bartender says right here, pointing behind the bar. The man looks over and there is a little man playing the piano.
The man asks the bar tender, "Where did you find such a small piano player?"
And the bartender replies, "Well I found this lamp and when I rubbed it a Genie came out and granted me one wish and There he is."
The man says, "Boy I wish I could find a lamp with a genie in it"
"Well, says the bartender I have the lamp right here and for $100 I'll let you rub it." the guy figures what the heck I'll get my money back so he takes the lamp and rubs it and out comes the Genie and says I grant you one wish Oh master.
So the guy says I wish for a million bucks. Poof, the room is full of ducks flying everywhere. "This is a ripe off I didn't ask for a million ducks, I said bucks" and the bartender replies
'YOU THINK I WISHED FOR A 12 INCH PIANIST"
 
A very old man lay dying in his bed. At death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral!”
 
Yesterday I was having some work done at the Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.


We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"


She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."


The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!


He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"


She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


....


....


....


....


.....


...

image001.jpg
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while
a $20 bill
falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come
and
pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the
fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing
through the
fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."
 
Life really boils down
to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?



ATT00001_.jpg




OR...

2. Should I have children?


ATT00002_.jpg


y:ylol:
 
A man walks into the doctors office wearing saran wrap underwear and says, "Doc, whats wrong with me?"

Doc says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
 
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Splash a little watered down rusty red paint on the sidewalk.

5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"
 
Larry's In The Hospital, Room 232



Ok, you are asking who in the hell is ' Larry '.

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says,
'Where in the hell have you been? '
Larry replies, ' I was out getting a tattoo. '
'A tattoo? 'she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? '
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates, ' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates? '
Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital
 
Not a joke, just something funny that happened the other day.


My brother was at Celtic Manor to watch the Ryder Cup practice. Phil Mickelson passed and my brother said 'hello'. Phil didn't respond so my brother said 'Hey Phil, Tiger shagged your wife'. Phil turned round and called my brother a 'limey jerk'.

Well, I thought it was funny anyway.
 

Similar threads

K
Possible Crohn’s disease
Replies
10
Views
1K
musicalwiz
M
C
Atypical Crohns
Replies
2
Views
728
Chrissie47
C
A
Big Specialist Appointment Anxiety
Replies
18
Views
3K
ARSalerno3
A
R
Nearly 4.5 years in with Crohn's.
Replies
2
Views
920
ras96mg
R
thike1966
Christmas Eve, my car was lost, later found
Replies
3
Views
1K
Lisa
Lisa

Latest posts

Back
Top