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Just needing to rant

So, I am in a weird spot.

Prior to my diagnosis, surgery and recovery I considered myself asexual, having absolutely no energy for sex and also having to deal with being too skinny, scarred or my new ileostomy.

Fast forward over 2+ years after my surgery, I am in a serious relationship, with a very healthy sex drive.

The sad thing is that due to work stress, my partner has no sex drive these days. She also still keeps in contact with some of her male exes, both of which consider her "the one that got away". Whenever I bring it up, she says I'm being stupid and jealous, which I am. I just have a hard time with the idea that if these guys could have the chance, they would knock me (and in one's case, his wife) out of the picture.... It's also funny that I have no issues when it comes to jealousy or territorial when I'm around women....

I am also in the process of starting an acupuncture practice and am supremely financially dependant on her. And this is making me super insecure in the relationship, I half way expect her to tell me to pack up and find my own way.

I know she loves me, and I have a pretty good relationship with her daughter. As far as I know we are still planning to get married, but just in a weird place.
I never used to think that sex would be such a massive part of any relationship I was in, until I had it, then had it taken away from me.

Anyways, I just needed to rant and can't really rant to our friends, too interconnected to each of us.
 

Orchid

Banned
It's understandable, sex is kind of a genetic imperative, sometimes it's just a lil quiet till you find someone you care about. These sorts of issues need a therapist because it's some heavy shit, if you can't trust your partner with her exes then how you can you marry her? Also whoa whoa whoa, less then two years and you're thinking about getting married? Take a second and think it through, especially since you're having trust issues.

There's ways to get around low sex drive, I mean is she really up for absolutely nothing or simply not energetic enough for the whole show? A little compromise goes a long way.
 

theOcean

Moderator
I used to ID as asexual, but now I'm in a healthy sexual relationship too. Sometimes my SO gets periods of time where he's not interested because he's stressed out -- it just happens, and I'm sure it'll pass. It always has with us.
 
I've known her for nearly 10 years, she was one of my best friends before we got together. She was literally the first face I saw after my surgery, and that was before we got together. I honestly can't imagine being with anyone else.

I do trust her, I just find it super weird that he exes still communicate with her.

Sex is all but out the window these days, unless there has been alcohol consumed, then we tend to have pretty great sex. But it is still few and far between.

I am aware that a lot of this is just because I am stressed about not having a full practice right away, the fact that I have moved from my hometown to follow her and her work.
 

Orchid

Banned
All I'm hearing are a bunch of excuses, just because you make good friends doesn't mean you make good wives for one another. You need to talk to her about how you feel about her exes continuing to talk to her and not a bunch of internet lesbians. You also need to see a relationship therapist from the sound of it, feeling like a prisoner in a relationship is an amazingly bad sign. I'm not saying it's time to deinvest yourself but you need to remember relationships are rarely forever and not feel chained to this woman.
 
Yeah, you do raise some good points.

I have seen a therapist. I do know that it is my insecurity and my severe anxiety are getting in the way of things. It happens in every relationship I have - parents, siblings, friends etc.

Excuses, reality. Perspective, opinion.

I needed a rant to get things out of my head and on a page, now they are out there and I can move on. May not have been the right place, but I feel better.
 

Orchid

Banned
Just don't marry her because you think she's the only woman for you. Marry her because you don't care that there's other women out there. One's desperate rationalization, the other is a conscious choice. It sounds like you're pretty green to relationships so you could be getting swept up without thinking about what's going down.
 

nogutsnoglory

Moderator
I find that the healthiest and most productive thing you can do is just be open and communicate your feelings honestly. Sometimes we think our partners can read our minds but they are stuck in their own minds with their own hopes and fears. Sit her down and let her know how much you love her but let her know your concerns, she will hopefully reassure you and let you know about hers. You never know what's in one's head. Maybe she is worried you may leave her because she is busy and too tired to have sex or that she comes with baggage and a daughter from a previous relationship. Those may be nothing to you but you never know that those or other things aren't her worries.
 
We've laid it all on the table.
We have a lot of work to do, but we are going to take things day by day. We are no longer actively thinking of getting married, but are working towards it.
The mind reading thing is so true. I'm scared, but this woman is worth working with and keeping in my life.
I think it was just a massive shock to go from what we had, to what is happening now.
The best things in life usually require work, and up until quite recently, it all came a bit too easily. I am ready to work.
 
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