Hi everyone, thank you for all of the kind replies and useful advice. I had my gallbladder out about 8 days ago now and I have to admit the surgery wiped me out more than I thought it would. I still have some trouble getting out of bed and sitting up right plus still having lots of digestive issues so I'm not totally happy with the results. I have a follow up appointment with the surgeon but I'm feeling a little defeated as I was expecting to be "normal" again - or at least just have the Crohn's and nothing more to worry about but I guess life is never that kind.
Jo-mom - thank you for the support, my job is actually not looking that great at the moment as a big project my group was working on is now being cancelled so it may not just be me that's out of work unfortunately.
cmack - Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm also very much into home improvement projects. I once absolutely loved putting a fresh coat of paint on the wall/re-finishing a cabinet/installing floating shelves, unfortunately I've become so depressed lately that I often can muster the energy to do any of it anymore. I just feel to exhausted/fed up and typically just end up sleeping when I get home or forcing myself to go for a run, which I don't really enjoy anymore either and I do more so for the health benefits.
paddywack - I believe I do qualify for FMLA, unfortunately that would mean unpaid time off and I really can't afford to do that. I don't want to outright give my age out, but I'm a very young widow (Like unusually young) so using FMLA would mean I'd have to deplete my savings a little which I'm trying to avoid.
I sometimes think I should be proud - but other times I still feel like a total failure. While I know that many people with Crohn's can't work and I know all too well how hard the illness is to deal with on a daily basis, I still feel like I've fallen short of my true potential. I can't help but feel like I could have been more if not for my Crohn's and I think my family feels this way too unfortunately. I do try to cheer myself up from time to time, but I rarely find enjoyment in anything anymore. I'm more often than not completely apathetic towards almost everything - even when I had my surgery they tried to get me to sign something asking if I required a blood transfusion if they could perform one to save my life, I declined to sign simply because I thought slipping away while under anesthesia wouldn't be such a bad way to go and I was somewhat disappointed to wake up.
I'm sorry you deal with depression as I can empathize all to well - I've been diagnosed with severe depression on several occasions, but I don't really feel like I am truly depressed. I was diagnosed with Crohn's as a child and I feel like I'm just miserable that I have an illness and not really depressed just because. I was forced to go to therapy when I was younger but that had more to do with other issues and I didn't really find it very helpful at the time. Prior to going I thought it was going to be beneficial, but I know when I was actually there, sitting across from the therapist I mostly cracked jokes and deflected. She seemed to like me as a patient and after only a month or two didn't think I was very depressed really and sent me on my way. I was okay with this despite the fact that I was still horribly depressed at the time.
It's good that you have a supportive family, believe me, having someone in the world that cares if you are dead/alive is much better than not. Even if they can't fully understand what it's like for people like us, if they show any concern/inquisition at all it's always reassuring. I know how that feels as I had that with my husband. He could never fully comprehend/understand the exhaustion, but the fact that he tried meant the world to me.
That's good that you have such a healthy attitude towards this terrible thing, but despite all the tests/exams/accidents I still feel so terribly ashamed about it. I wish I could find the strength to not feel like this but I can't seem to do so and considering I've had it for so long, I probably never will.
AdamShoberg - I used to enjoy distracting myself, but these days, I mostly feel like I'm just distracting myself, sitting around, and waiting to die. I can't help but think whenever I'm doing almost anything but sleeping or playing with my cats that it's just such a waste of time and I'm just ticking away the minutes until my life is over and I don't have to deal with any of it anymore. I mean, I used to enjoy games, TV series, reading... but since my husband's death I haven't really partaken in any hobbies at all. I mostly just sleep and exercise and the exercise has started to drive me crazy as it just means I'm alone with my thoughts and I often end up finding myself even more depressed.
Lady Organic - My direct manager has been great about it. He's a really nice guy, unfortunately lots of other people in my office are not. I know there are laws to protect us but I feel like many employers don't respect the law and just do whatever they can get away with. I know I wish I could accept this disease as it would probably help me to handle it all better, but I just can't, I don't want to be a person with a chronic illness - I want to be normal. That's all I've ever wanted really. The thing about anti-depressants is that I just feel like I don't need them. I feel like I don't have a chemical imbalance. I feel like I am depressed because of a specific thing - Crohn's disease. If this problem went away, I wouldn't be depressed. I feel like this is why anti-depressants haven't really helped me. I know they can help with chemical imbalances, but they don't help my Crohn's. They don't cure me. I know my mood is usually pretty great when I'm not flaring and my health is good, but as soon as my health gets worse I start becoming severely depressed and more suicidal. When I was younger it wasn't as bad, but I'm just so fed up at this point and tired of fighting and now with my digestive issues persisting even after gallbladder removal, I feel even worse than I did before.