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Losing friends

Recently 2 of my friends (also coworkers) have started ignoring me.
I think it started when I said that i was not going to Japan with them (due to a crohn‘s flare-up, which I have struggled with for the last 3years (went from bad to worse)
I tried explaining that if i went with them , i simply did not have energy to keep up with them and i would hold them back (3 days in Paris with constant use of the metro was a disaster, and the 4 days of constant rest after was not enough to “ recover”).
Last year we went shopping in another city nearby and I was just exhausted from walking/ talking etc. They were not very understanding, i felt bad enough but they were clearly irritated at me.

Sinds then 1 Friend (A) has gotten indifferent towards me.
All communications depend on me, she is very short in her responds (i get a short vague answer (or just a shrug) and someone else gets a whole story).
When i put something in the group chat she never replies.

Friend (B) is superficially friendly, but same as (A) also gives short responses and acts vague.
Also with her all communications depend on me, with texting she sometimes replies.

Sometimes i walk in the office when they are talking and it just gets QUIET.
When i ask if they have anything planned for the weekend they don’t really respond, just a shrug or they don’t know yet.
Recently i found out that friend A and B (coworker (C)) go out for dinner, city trips, have game nights, and just meet-up.
I found out because another coworker asked how their city trip was (on friday they told me they had no plans) (coworker that asked worked on tuesday so it was already planned).
On another day i walked in on A, B and C looking at restaurants, i watched and said something about the menu, they responded a bit but never asked if i wanted to go with them ( not that i would/could go but i would have been nice to atleast feel somewhat included)
This has apperently been going on for 3 months (that i know of atleast)

I don’t mind that they meet up and all that but i wish that they would not hide it from me.
Like, they could just say that they are going somewhere and tell me about it later or show pictures or something.
But i am the only one that it is held a secret from.
Sometimes other coworkers ask me how things was because they think i went with them but in reality i did not even know that they went somewhere.
I was told bij another coworker: “ i think its so fun that you three meet up so often and go on trips together” like…. damn.

At this moment A and B are in Japan for 20 days. (1 week in).
I have seen a total of 0 pictures despite asking if they went somewhere/seen something fun.
B has sent 2 short texts back in the group chat and from A i have not heard anything.
C gets pictures everyday from food, to activities etc.

I have tried showing more interest in their lives but i feel like i am talking to a wall.
There is nothing going on in my life other than working or resting so i don’t have that much to talk about other than tv shows (they don’t watch).
It feels like i am walking on eggshels at work, they prettymuch avoid talking/ responding to me.
coworker C that they hangout with is nice to my face but talks shit about me when i am not there.
All of this is just giving me more stress and anxiety i don’t need.

Friend A : is a friend of 12 years.
Friend B: i have known her for 8 years, friends for 6 years.
Friend A had encouraged us to come work at her job. B started 1 month before me.
I have worked at the company for +/- 9 months.

the friendship i had with them was more of a happy fun one, we did not meet up very often but when we did we would go to a city and spend the day shopping, eating and talking. We barely talked about ”serious stuff” especially A would avoid serious topics like health. If i did talk about my crohn’s she never had much of a reaction.
sometimes she was annoyed if i called in sick (at school).


Staff member
Hello, I am so sorry that people who are supposed to be your friends are behaving this way.

It sounds like your friends are what we in the UK call fair weather friends, they are happy to be around when things are happy and light or when they benefit from the friendship but quickly loose interest when the 'weather changes ' and things become more serious or they stop getting what they want from the friendship.

Unfortunately almost everyone here will understand what it is like to loose friendships as a consequence of other people not being willing or able to understand or be supportive of their chronic illness. When I was healthy I was always the friend everyone came to for advice or support. I sat up many late nights comforting friends through the hardest moments and dong my best to help wherever I could. Even when I started to get sick and dealt with constant pain I still managed to always be there for them. As my condition got worse and I began having to turn down activities and change my life style we began to drift apart, especially when I stopped being able to always drive the conversation, now I barely have friends at all. Even my longest friend who I have known since age two only really contacts me on birthdays and special occasions. It's not personal or even deliberate but she went to uni and then started a career and made new friends and connections while I stayed home and battled behind closed doors.

It is horrible feeling left out especially when it's by people who we considered friends and your colleagues seem to be particularly harsh about it. They may not realise just how hurtful they are being so having a blunt conversation about just how badly they are making you feel may help, if they continue to behave this way after that then at least you’ll know that they aren’t real friends anyway and having that closure may make it easier in the long run.

In the meantime if you’d like to chat with someone who can relate to what you’re dealing with please feel free to send me a private message.

Lynda Lynda

I totally understand what you are talking about. I worked in an office with 12 other women for 24 years and most of those employees stayed in that same Department that entire time. We socialized outside of work off and on, even traveled Statewide and out of State. But I found out that "co-worker friends" are not true friends......they can be more like "frenemies." I wish it hadn't of taken me so long to figure that out. The same thing happens with family members not understanding. My sister has really bad RA and she did not understand my level of fatigue until she herself started feeling the same way. Now she stays home more often and that's depressing for her. [ I suffer from depression too, so maybe she is starting to understand that. ]

I apologize for not having any good advice for you on how to move forward.

If a person has a broken leg or heart disease then they can talk to friends and relatives about it, but no one wants to talk about bowel diseases because, well, that involves poop and they just don't want to hear about poop.

🌻💛 🙏