Moved in with my Boyfriend

[Abby]

I just moved in with my boyfriend to our very first house.
Things were going fine, but I am now on disability and very very sick. Since I'm stuck at home all day, I dont mind doing all the housework and cooking dinner, but I'm starting to feel taken advantage of.

My boyfriend is treating me like I am the house, does what he wants, and know's I'll be waiting for him.

Last night we had a date planned to watch a TV show (the only one we ever watch together). The week before he ditched me because he "Forgot" so I texted him the day of during lunch, and he replied he would definately be there.

Well his friend ended up coming over to do some painting for us, and he spent the whole night upstairs.

I'm so hurt, and I'm feeling like he thinks since he is supportive of my sickness, he has stopped having to do other things for me - like making me feel like his girlfriend.

Because I'm so sick, our sex life has all but stopped, and though I normally do have sex when I'm sick, he is just not making me feel good, which makes my desire for sex even less!

He's not a "talker" since he's a such a manly man, and I just dont know how to broach this subject without using words like I usually do or without him feeling like I'm blaming him.

It's just things have changed from when we were dating out of our parents house, and I'm not liking the new changes.... I dont know what to do!!

 

[KWalker]

I might get flamed for this first part but I feel it needs to be said... You feel like YOU are getting taken advantage of? I know you're on disability because of crohns and that is NOT your fault, but you have to think and be thankful of the things he's doing, as really he's probably doing most of the providing for the house, and I can relate because I just went through this over the past summer although for me it was reversed.

This past summer I was working full time (approx. 50 hours a week) while my fiancee stayed home because she didn't have the same luck as I did with finding work. While that isn't a problem because we could still afford the bills and what not, it's only fair that if I'm going and working my ass off all day that she do the house work, and maintain things that way. For me it works out because she enjoys cooking but I would feel offended if I worked hard all day and then came home, cooked dinner and cleaned up the house. It's only fair. I know it may seem like you're doing a lot of the work because that's what you see but if somebody is waking up every morning and committing to a job so he/she can provide for the family, it needs to be recognized.

Now, aside from that. Like I said I can relate to your situation as I am young and moved in with my fiancee (2 years ago now) and I feel our relationship has gotten different as well from when we were each living at home with our parents, which is to be expected. That initial honeymoon phase does go away because the everyday excitement of going to your partners house isn't there, (for me) I'll admit the sex does go down a little because the "rush" of having sex in your parents house and getting caught isn't there, if you're living alone together it's likely that the money isn't as readily available to go on "dates", etc. Do you know what I'm saying?

I went through it all too and it does get better. I think the initial stress and added pressure to live can take a toll on young couples but I can tell you now that I'm happier than ever and feel closer than I ever to my fiancee. Although that initial phase goes away where everything is fresh and exciting, I can assure that living together you will experience new things, you'll overcome new obstacles and knowing that you can make it through things together as team, you'll grow as a couple.

I wish the best of luck to you and if you ever have anything you need to talk about (whether it be needing relationship advice, crohns related, etc) don't ever hesitate to come to your friends on the crohnsforum for help. We're here to listen!

 

[Abby]

While on disability I am still getting benefits and enough money to cover my share of the bills, with a bit left over. I have been extremely fortunate and have not had to rely on him for money.

As for money for dates - our "date" was really just making plans to watch Hells Kitchen and Masterchef on Tuesdays.

I -even though I am sicker than ever - am making a big effort to do things he likes, shopping, cooking and cleaning for him. Those are the things I dont mind doing.

It's the fact I feel like he is not making any effort to make me feel loved. I need to know how to approach him, without making him feel I'm blaming him for everything - which it can be so easy to do when you can only see one side.

 

[hannah-rose]

Abby! I am so on your side and want to reply in full tonight when I'm infront of my laptop. Just reading the above posts I feel I need to respond so I how I can offer some empathy later!

Hannah x

 

[hannah-rose]

I'm back!

Ok, firstly, I don't think this situation has anything to do with your illness, this is a relationship problem and from the way you've told the story at least, none of it id your fault.

For a start you're sick, too sick to work, which probably means you're too sick to be doing all the housework and cooking dinner every night too. Your boyfriend should appreciate you doing this and tell you he is grateful for the effort you're making in trying to share the responsibilities of earning money/keeping house, and whether you're sick on not he should be grateful to come home to a hot meal every night! What would he do if he was single? There wouldn't be anybody there to cook his dinner, or clean his house, or do his laundry, he'd have to do it himself. I'm single, I work full time, I cook my own dinner, I do my own housework. If I had someone doing that for me, I'd be appreciative!

Secondly, if he said he'd watch a tv show with you, he should watch a tv show with you. That's got nothing to do with the fact you're sick. He should make even more of an effort when you're sick (because, well, you're sick!) Would you do that to him? I bet if the tables were turned you'd dote on him because it sounds like you're crazy in love with him, which is how it should be - you've only just moved in together. It's so important to make time for dates and being romantic/intimate, this is true of any couples.

Do you think your boyfriend is behaving like this because you're sick? Probably not. it shouldn't be a case of 'oh I support her because she has Crohn's so that means I can make zero effort as a boyfriend'. (That's an exaggeration obviously because he's almost certainly a great boyfriend and you're a great couple and he probably doesn't realise he's upsetting you but you get the point.)

In regards to sex, if you feel so ill that you really aren't in the mood and nothing is going to get you in the mood, then he should empathise and respect that. You can still be intimate without all the effort that's involved in sex which you probably don't have the energy for if you're ill. What's more likely though is that the way he's behaving just isn't making you feel close to him and wanting to be with him, which has nothing to do with illness and is something you should talk to him about. To be tactful, if he wanted to increase your desire for sex I'm sure he could - it's called foreplay guys and it'd cheer me up if I was feeling ill!


You said "He's not a "talker" since he's a such a manly man, and I just dont know how to broach this subject without using words like I usually do or without him feeling like I'm blaming him."

Well maybe he's not a talker but what are you going to do, not talk for the rest of your lives? You have to discuss it if you're feeling unhappy, otherwise you'll just go on feeling unhappy, and hoping things will change (which they probably wont if he doesnt know there's a problem). It also sounds like you've talked to him before about the things he does which don't make you happy, and by mentioning that you don't want to blame him, I'm guessing he gets defensive when you try to discuss your feelings? This isn't good, what would happen if one of your girlfriends accidentally said something to upset you and you mentioned it to her, how would she react? How would you want her to react? You wouldnt appreciate it if she didnt apologise or at least try to understand how she had hurt you, and it shouldnt be any different with your boyfriend.

I hope you both work things out, please don't blame yourself for how you're feeling and how things are because it sounds like a typical boyfriend/girlfriend problem to me and guys often don't realise what they're doing is upsetting us, in my experience you just have to spell it out and if after you've told him how you're feeling he doesn't try to work things out with you and find compromises which mean you can both be happy, then you might want to look more closely at the relationship and ask whether it's really working.

Hannah xx

 

[EthanPSU]

I love Hells Kitchen! But for real, just give it some time. Every relationship will have its bumps, although if things don't change in like a couple months it might be time to reconsider the relationship

 

[sfmreb2]

After 42 years of marriage I would say you need to have a talk with him. Guys kind of get used to things and forget about romance. Fortunately my wife reminds me and I do good for awhile. Some of us need lots of reminding (not nagging). You both need to communicate. Guys do have a problem with communicating, but if he can't learn then in my opinion.... Well I can't tell you what to do. Communicate Communicate etc etc.

 

[smallfry]

Talking is very important!!! Hard but important!
Some men (not all) do not notice little things or pick up on subtle hints. I agree it's hard to word things so as not to put blame. He probably doesn't realize how important Tuesday night is to you. In his mind he was probably thinking this was the only night his friend could come paint and that it would be rude to leave them up there painting?? just a thought. Maybe try to make up for missing this date night by having massage night
I am living with my boyfriend right now and massages are keeping us closer since I can't have sex at the moment due to abscessing and fistula. I hope the communication doors open. All the best!

 

[lola99]

I believe all relationships go through a phase like the one you are describing. I feel like men just don't over analyze things like woman do and thus are generally satisfied more. We (woman) want to here that we are doing a good job and feel loved. If you don't sit him down and tell him how you feel then he probably wont even think anything is wrong. My husband isn't a talker either. i think being a talker is a woman thing. I've been married for 6 years and its not gonna change believe me lol. I am always saying "you never have anything to say" . Sit him down and tell him how you feel with doing the blame game. If you start saying "you did this and you don't care about me" he might feel cornered and shut down. You could say " When you stayed upstairs all night when we were supposed to have a date night it really hurt my feelings". Ask him if he has any concerns. The sex thing is also natural. But the thing about long term relationships is you can't always expect the other person to make you feel a certain way to make you feel like having sex. If he is never coming on to you it could mean he doesn't want to push the issue or something else. You can't know till you communicate you concern to him. The most important thing to remember is to communicate your concerns and never play the victim and blame him making him feel like the bad guy because that will never go well. Good luck hope things get resolved