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My boyfriend has Crohns and we are drifting apart

Completrly new to this but do not know where else to look for advice.

So I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now and until about two or three months ago he never had any major problems with Crohns. He had been diagnosed about ten yeara ago but I didnt know him until we met, at which time he had no noticeable symptoms or side effects. We frequently enjoyed days out, trips to the cinema or sporting events, went for dinner every week.
Around three months ago he relapsed and spent a while in hospital, he is now receiving the Humira vaccination. I visited him every day in hospital and did as much as possible to try to help him come to terms with his situation again.
Since then he has been quiet, uncommunicative, grumpy. i know he is in a lot of pain and I have been trying to be supportive, helping him around the house, sitting in with him watching (his) tv shows. All intimacy is gone. Not even a hug or kiss in the cheek, or even a stroke of the hand as we watch tv.
Recently this upset me so much that I decided to act with him the same unresponsive way he is with me. Short text messages or replies. Trying to seem uninterested. This does not seem to faze him as it fazes me. I dont think he realises how hard I am trying for him, and how unappreciated I feel?
I am trying my hardest to be supportive, to not trivialize his pain and discomfort, but I feel that we are drifting apart and this greatly upsets me.
 
Sorry you're going through this with your Boyfriend. Crohns can be very hard on a relationship. I have Crohns and I remember for about 2 years before I had surgery, my marriage really suffered. My only advice would be to really try to be open and honest in communication. He may be dealing with some stuff that he finds to be embarrassing, demoralizing, and painful. He needs to find his own way, but hopefully you two can at least have some open communication about what is going on.
Good luck.
 
It can bre rally tough on relationships, there are so many emotions he is experiencing right now, when you describe how his behaviour is, that is the same for me. I pretty much shut down and don't want to talk or really communicate with anyone. Feeling sick with crohns is so difficult, you really don't know when you will feel better.

Is he still in pain? Discomfort?
 
I can relate to this as well (being the sick one), that when I'm in a flare I tend to shut down and communicate less with those around me. It's been really hard on my relationship, too. When you're going through this, all you can really focus on is the pain/symptoms and trying to find relief. Try and stick it out and be as open as you can about how you're feeling. Sometimes we don't know how we make our loved ones feel because, like I said, we're so focused on what's going on with ourselves.
 
Thanks everyone! Reassuring to know that his behaviour could be down to the Crohn's and not for any other reason...
Yes, hes still in pain but doesnt always make others aware of it. Hence why I did not at first understand his sudden changes. He''s only just started on Humira and it seemed to be working for the first two weeks but since then he's been in pain/discomfort again, being sick as well. And very tired a lot of the time, which ia very unlike how he has ever been. I know it annoys him that he's off work for a while too so I'm trying to be sensitive to that too.
 
When I had flare ups I would be exactly the same, when your in pain, and feel generally so low, all you can think about is getting through it, and taking someone else into consideration is very difficult, I would get irritated if Eddie ( my OH ) even spoke to me.
So try not to take it to heart, he probably really can't help it, if you can, maybe discuss it with him, but don't press him too much, I know with me, I didn't realise what I was doing until Eddie mentioned how horrible I was being, and I made an effort not to be so crabby.
 
Hey there,

During the times I really was in big trouble with my Crohn's (well, that is quite a few years back), I am not sure I could have managed a relationship, to be honest. And someone who tries really hard to be supportive, may make matters worse. Sounds odd, but during bad times, when you really have problems (cramps, diarrhea, fever etc.), the only thing I wanted was to be alone... the mere presence of people made me feel uncomfortable.

I honestly can't say how you should deal with this. If he is on Humira, he gets the treatment he needs. A strong flare up and hospitalization can also hit people who have issues with depression quite hard, especially if there are other issues in life, such as stress at work or university or general uncertainty.

Anyway, please don't take it too hard or serious. First, he should be treat you well if you are his girlfriend, because that is what people do in relationships. Second, don't be too supportive and understanding... it sounds odd, but for many people this is the last thing they want as it enforces the feeling that something is seriously wrong with you. And third, if he is doing physically better, the best thing to do is to go outside and do the stuff you did in the past years... it will make him much happier than sitting in front of the TV.

Hope things work out, also, don't take bs from him just because he has Crohn's, that is no excuse for treating people who care about him badly.

Best,
A
 
Keep the communication going as it is only when you give up that the distance really will be widened.

Speaking from experience having been in your bfs position relationship-wise i can honestly say that when you are suffering with these conditions, that seeming distant to the healthy other half isnt the choice of the ill person at all. This condition often can affect things that make it hard to focus etc and it isnt anything personal towards the healthy other half - it just is unfortunately the situation.

Worst thing the healthy partner can do is allow the distance to grow by going out of their way to be distant as well, that will worsen the relationship further.
I say that with experience sadly.

It is all about keeping the communication open and honest - you do have feelings too and if he knows how you feel you will see that he does care if you let him know how you feel.

When you are in a bad way with these conditions - you arent bringing your 'A' game.
You OP, have the advantage of being in the stronger position than he is by you having good health and as long as you let him know how you feel that is as much as you can do - if you want the relationship to be ok, you adding to the distance on purpose will only accelerate its demise as he is in no position of strength.

I'm not being judgemental at all, I know what it is like to be in that fragile situation, it takes understanding, communication and a united approach.

Good luck i hope it works out for both of you ;)
 
I have a deep relationship with White water, Mountains, Canyons and all that goes along with it.. When I was diagnosed I didn't see outside of my apartment unless I was headed to or from a Doctor's Office/Hospital for nearly 2 years. I became deeply depressed and, even though I had the wonderful support of my BFF/BF, I was positive my life was over. I couldn't see my life ever being the same again. I was so miserable and I felt guilty my boyfriend had to deal with all my crap (no pun intended) and my behavior was not unlike your boyfriends. It will get better I promise. Did you show him this forum? Send him to us! There are many helpful supportive people here. Good luck!
 
Crohns really has a emotional impact on people like i get really stressed about the amount of medication i take i just get really moody theres a time where i just cry in bed becuase im not experienced with this its all new to me. Eventally there will be a time for me and hopefully your boyfriend to be happy
 
You have literally described my relationship.
I have posted on here before about a similar thing.
I have been with bfiend for 6 years. He was diagnosed in 2008.
He has always been on a load of drugs. Like you, to start with, the relationship was great. He was also very sporty; 5,days a week it would be hockey, football, biking, swimming etc. now, hardly anything.
After about a year all sexual activity slowed down. He blamed it on being tired etc but I struggled to come to terms with it as he was so active. It was like I didn't exist. Another 6 months & I ended it. I had all the apologies and how it wasn't his fault but the illness.
I went back.
Now, he won't admit it but I truly think he's depressed.
The whole lack of sex has been going on for months. It's like he doesn't want to be near me. I talked to him & his response was "it's not important".
I just feel like my happiness doesn't matter.
I have spoken to a lot of other men in a similar situation who also have crohns who mostly said their sex life was still alive.
He took himself into hospital on Monday night due to a blockage. He's home now but my god, he's miserable. He just threw my charger at me and told me to stop following him round the house "asking too many questions".
It's got to the stage where I feel he sometimes uses his crohns as an excuse to not do things, to be angry and miserable.
I am desperate to go on holiday but he's not interested. I haven't been for 3 years as the last one I had a serious accident putting me in intensive care. The effects are still present ( I basically had a stroke) but it's like what I went on through isn't anywhere near what he is coping with. So it's a no to me but he just went on a last minute skiing trip with his friend. Still no to going with me. I might just book it and go with a friend if he won't come.
To be honest, Sometimes I hope he'll leave.
He can't blame everything on Crohns, a lot yes but I find it hard that he can go out with his friends but not with me. He's currently on Infliximab infusions which worked well at first but now, a year latter, they don't seem to help him.
There is talk of surgery but he just breaks down at the thought.
I try to be supportive but my god, it's hard.
God I sound like such a bitch but I'm just trying to be honest, plus it's good to get it all out as after 6 years, our relationship is shit & like we are housemates.

Im pleased we are not the only ones. Message me if you want to chat. Maybe we should get the boys together xx
 
I am sorry for what you are going through... It might not be until he is through this flare before he really appreciates what you have done. Hang in there.
 
Crohn's and I would think most serious conditions are tough on a relationship. I was diagnosed 11 years ago right after getting married. I was miserable, grumpy and very very sick. I totally get how he feels and I know I am not always very kind to those trying to help me. I am often very withdrawn and angry. Crohn's has many embarassing symptoms and I know when I am flaring up I prefer to be alone. Ask him how you can help but don't push!! Depression is definitely a huge part as well. I am sure he appreciates you but it is difficult to see the positive when feeling so ill. When he feels better he will be himself again but he needs time to get better and heal. My flare ups have lasted years and taken a huge toll on my family. Hope things get better for him soon!!! It is not easy. Take care and good luck.
 
It sucks to be sick... Imagine having the stomach flu every day. It wears on a person. I'm married and my husband is awesome and super understanding. But we don't have a lot of physical contact either. I struggle through work, when I'm flared, come home, play with our son until he goes to bed, then I go to bed.. Once in awhile we will watch a movie and spend time together then. But my advice is tell them you are feeling kind of lonely. Communication is the biggest part of a relationship. My husband said one day he felt we hadn't spent a lot of time together. So instead of going to bed right away that night we sat on the couch and watched tv.. It's not a lot but it's something... I guess you have to ask yourself if you're ok with being independent in the relationship at times. Bc it's unfair to ask them to go above and beyond when they feel like junk too. And once in awhile my husband would use the "you use your crohns" as an excuse line. Then he got Cdiff for a short bit, realized how awful it is to deal with something like this and I haven't heard a complaint since.. BTW I don't use it as an excuse lol I generally feel like junk when I rest.
 
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