My depression and anxiety

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Jeff D.

Joined
Apr 22, 2006
Messages
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Hey guys hows it going? I have been wanting to let you guys know this but did not know how to say it. I have been thinking a lot lately about my depression/anxiety. I have also been injured hurting my shoulder playing volleyball, I partially dislocated my shoulder and elongated the ligaments in the back of the shoulder. I am going to physical therapy and can now lift my arm to about an 85 degree angle. It has gotten much better in the past three weeks as it started off at about a 15 degree angle. But this off time has allowed me to think about myself. I had gone to the bathroom three days straight then all of a sudden did not feel the urge to go. When I got the feeling was when I was starting to get really depressed and anxious. I started thinking a lot about how my body is doing and especially about my Crohn's in particular. I believe my biggest problem stems from the fact that I think about Crohn's disease almost constantly. I heard somewhere that men think about women every six seconds well in my case its I think about Crohn's about every six seconds. I have not found much joy in my life in the past couple months except for when I am in pain and especially my stomach aches and stuff. I realized that this is my way of coping with Crohn's and that I have to stop. But in order to stop I think I have to stop thinking about Crohn's all together. When I am in school all I can think of is curling up in a ball and crying because I see so many people who don't take care of their bodies and just could care less about themselves in a matter of how they present themselves mentally and physically. All I can think of is that these people do not deserve their bodies if all they are going to do is hurt themselves and become societies scum. And it hurts me everytime I think of them. I am going to be seeing a psychiatrist about my problems in less then a month. I think it is may 14 but I am not sure. My parents understand that I have anxiety but not depression. They think it is almost just a faze. They don't understand me at all. I am just so confused I just want to pack up and go to Africa or somewhere like that where I can live on my own in the wilderness and never see another human being again. I am just sick of everything right now and even the person who is supposed to be my best friend is screwing me right now. I don't even want to speak to the *******. I just needed to get that off my chest and if you guys do not see me around for the next few days I will be meditating and trying to get all of this crap off of my back.

Thank every one for listening I have some writing and some thought to do for a while.

Talk to you guys later.
 
Hello Jeff,

Depression sucks to say the least. I have had it off and on since I can remember.
For some odd reason it went away recently and I have not had it since. hopefully for good, but that would be a first.

I don't have any secret remedy for Crohn's or depression. The only thing that kept me going is to know that depression is a temporary condition. It will come but it will always go also. If it becomes a continuous condition it may be a good idea to see a professional.

Parents quite often understand what you are going through, but they really do not have any solutions. Some things just take time to work out. My parents cared about me and knew something was wrong but they just did not have the skills to help out. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Now I am 45 years old and have Crohn's. Not what I wanted to hear, but at my age I have been through much worse.

As for the friend, just tell him why you are upset with him. Better to deal directly with the problem and resolve it, than think about it. That is a problem you can solve. Worry and negative thoughts are what pushed me over the edge with this disease. Please do not let this happen to you, if you can avoid it.

Cool Bike!

Old school biker, real old school, D Bergy
 
Hi Jeff,

I think the only people to really know how you are feeling are fellow Crohnies. I have been married 9 yrs, my wife is the only person who really knows me, but she doesn't understand what 'we' go thro' on a daily basis. It is good to have someone there to lean on - they may not 'get it' but at least they can be there for you!

I had to change the way I deal with things after my first op. Before then I was a worrier, letting things build up inside. I had to change my outlook and am still learning to 'chill'

:)
 
Hi Jeff, sorry to hear you're still down. Its good that you're getting the help you need though. Its important not to over-analyse stuff, I know thats easier said than done, but its true. I too had issues with over thinking and over analysing and it used to control my life, it affected everything I did. I now take anti anxiety meds and feel 10x better. I know these type of tablets aren't everyones cup of tea but, hey, they work for me. I hope you manage to sort things out, I'll be thinking of you. Take care.


Ruth
 
Thanks guys for replying. I have been hesitant almost to even visit the site or actually look at this thread. I am really confused right now and don't know whats going on. I just know that I can't wait to go to my first therapy appointment. But today was worse and everyday I feel worse and worse as if all of my problems are bottled up inside or something and are waiting to errupt. I am just getting really sick of feel down all of the time. Any ways thanks for helping me try to cope with my crap.
 
Hi Jeff.
I'm glad you will be getting in for help soon.
Hopefully he/she will put you on an anti-depressant
and get you feeling up in no time.

Please remember to write it out...it does help! :)

Hugs~Nancy
 
Yeah I am trying to write it out. The problem is when I try to right it out or sing and play guitar it out then everything that comes out is some sort of self hatred and not caring about life or something bad which makes me feel even worse. Its annoying when you have to create a parody about Hamlets speech and the only thing you can think of is to sleep or not to sleep that is the question and you are not talking about sleeping as in the night but eternal rest and damnation.

Thanks for the reply
 
I kind of developed a stubbornness about depression in that it was me against the depression. Kind of like a personal battle that I was determined to win. It was easier to treat it as an enemy because then I took it personally, and I do not like to lose battles that I choose to win.

I also discovered that dwelling on it only bred more depression. I sometimes would do things that I liked doing even though I did not feel like doing them at the time.
This would sometimes snap me out of it. Not always, but about half of the time.

Hard physical activity would help also. I still like splitting wood because it would make me feel better mentally to do it. Anything to get your body working hard will usually help. I suppose the explanation would be that it gets the endorphines going in the brain. I also noticed that I almost never was depressed while on the job. Not sure why but I think it is because you do not have time to think about it, and thinking about it never seemed to help me.

D Bergy
 
Now I'm stuck because normally I do use hard excercise but I screwed up my shoulder and getting an mri soon. I can't really use it much because I can't lift and I can't bring my arm higher than 150 and that is with a lot of pain.
 
Occasionally, people with depression can feel much better after having an MRI so maybe you will get lucky. The actual improvement came with a particular type of brain scanning MRI called EP-MRSI. It also was used on people with Bipolar type of depression which is likely worse than most other forms.

Since I tinker with Bioresonance and frequency devices I have my own theory why they get these results. I think the regular MRI is capable of doing this also but only under certain circumstances. It will be interesting to see if it has any effect on your depression, but it is a long shot and apparently the effects are temporary.

I only have two possible explanations for my lack of depression. One is because I have been taking good multivitamins with minerals steady for the past year and a half. Maybe I was lacking something that I am now getting.

My experimental frequency treatments had some kind of effect. This would most likely indicate that a virus or bacteria was causing the depression.

I hope you take multivitamins since the Crohn's makes proper nutrition much more difficult. It could help with the depression if it is because you are lacking something. It certainly can't cause any harm.

Until your shoulder is better you will probably have to settle for walking to get exercise. Not very entertaining, but better than laying on the couch.

I have been fixing an old motorcycle for a hobby. That is the type of stuff I do to take my mind off of the problems of the day. My children are older and have moved out of the house so I have a little time to do some hobbies of my own now.

Hope that shoulder heals up quick. When you are young, you usually heal pretty fast.

D Bergy
 
Hey Jeff.. How to put into a short, concise paragraph what I'd like to say to you? I'd have to simply say that everything you are feeling is OK. There isn't anything wrong. You have a serious illness, you are in the midst of your 'tender' years, and you feel a little cut-off and alone. Depression is part and parcel of both the early years, and it seems to go hand in hand with any serious illness, Crohns in particular. Why not see it as what it is? Life isn't pinpointing you as a punching bag, it's merely going in the cycles that it runs in. You seem to be at the bottom of one particularly low point at the moment... And you are right, no one else can ever truly place themselves in your shoes. But you are wrong to think that means they don't care, can't understand or can't help. Friends, family, counsellors, etc., DON'T have to be you, DON'T have to know exactly what's going on in your life to offer help, support, guidance. Don't focus on what about you they don't get, don't know.. Focus on what they MIGHT be able to do to assist you, to help you cope.

OK, here's a crude analogy... Bear with me cause I'm an old fart (humour me, OK?)

A lot of times, young folks only look ahead.. life's been too short, and they've got so much ahead of them to concentrate on, they aren't disposed like us old fogeys to look back.. You've been thru puberty, and it probably wasn't easy.. yet you made it. You learned how to walk on your own two feet as an infant, probably forgotten completely that ordeal, how many failed attempts, how many falls, bruises, the pain of it all.. Yet you made it. Think it's easy? just check out how many brilliant engineers/scientists, etc have worked tirelessly on getting a robot to simulate it!!
Ok, you learned to play the guitar.. Not everyone has that capability (me for one)..
You recall your first attempts? You know anyone who is just trying to learn now?
The rough times they're experiencing, or about to, or the ones you went through SHOULD say far more eloquently than I, that life does get better, coping easier IF you give it time. And if you seek the help you need.. Ever have someone else show you how to play a certain chord? Did they need to know exactly what was in your head, or heart, in order to do it? Did it make you any less of a guitar player?
I hope you see where I'm going with this? Life was never intended to be a thing we get thru without help.. There are no rules that say you have to go it alone. A lot of help is to be had SIMPLY for the asking. Put it in perspective. Say someone who is very dear to you had a big problem. something that you could help them with bigtime. And they suffered real consequences. Yet they never told you, and you never got the chance to help them. Is that a better way to go? I don't think so...

I know that I've rambled on and on, and that a lot of what I've written sounds a little trite.. And I've tried to refrain from telling you one of those old fogey stories about what it was like in my day.. But how about one from my grandfathers day?
You injured your arm, and you have to go to physio, and you can't play ball at the moment, and maybe it interferes with playing the guitar. But, you have your arm, and it will get better.. Dear old granddad lost his.. Lost his occupation, the means to support his family.. Had been wounded twice in WW I, yet hurt much worse at work. He went on, became a mechanic, eventually became a harbour pilot. Theres the simple truth about life. Good and bad, relish the good, cope with the bad, get help when you need it from whoever can provide it, then do the same for others.
The brutal truth is is that life is an elimination race... and you don't want to be one of the ones eliminated this early in the race.. Check the sidelines for the gatorade
 
Hey Jeff. Cara here. I understand too. When I first got diagnosed, all I could do is sob in the doctor's office about how I have SOOOOOO many years left in life to make it through NOT getting carved up like a holiday turkey (which I couldn't eat!). I think most of us here in this forum understand, truly understand what you are going through. And like Kev, I want to say, it's OK.

Perhaps talking to a trained professional will help, or will give you the forum to think long enough and in new enough ways to find your own way through the mess. The best I can say is don't give up.

We all care.
 
Thanks everyone for the help. I do take multivitamins D Bergy. Also I guess the problem is that I cannot open up to people. Talking to my best friend or parents I still don't unveil what is under my skin. I never tell anyone anything for the most part. I tell you guys because I feel that you can help me the most but still I never unveil or let my guard down. I have never done that and have been raised that way. It seems today that I am mad at society. At the dilution to the youth. At my past and my stupidity never listening to anyone because I never trusted them. I have not found one person on this planet that I have been able to trust at even a small scale. To be honest I blame Crohn's Disease and other intestinal diseases and cancers and most problems are do to what large advertisement agencies have done to us. They diluted my parents into thinking fast food and most restaurant food is healthy or maybe no healthy but okay for young to eat. I feel that they try to make us addicted to SUGAR. I feel that they are going to kill us all. And I really can't take it much more. They are going to take us some how or another. They cause stress. They cause distraction from needs and they cause hate. Right now I am so pissed off I would rather leave and be alone on another planet so I can live my life in peace and solitude.

Thanks for listening
 
Jeff,
I am very concerned about the way you are feeling right now.
You really need to speak to a professional who will listen and help you.
You sound so very depressed and there are medications which can help
as well as talking it out with someone trained to help you.

Please see your doctor...

Hugs~Nancy
 
Jeff, I second Nancy's concerns. We all face anger at our health situation at one point or another. A lot of us also think about others' health situations and the causes and effects that have had part in all this for us and others. You are right. We are losing our abilities as a collective to be what humans were meant to be. We eat wrong, we sleep wrong, we waste the environment. It is all really upsetting. We all must do what we can personally and as communities to improve things. It's an important thing to think about.

However, you really really need to talk to a trained professional. It's not like opening up to a friend or family member. It's totally different. These people are trained doctors who can see what is emotional and what is physical and help align yourself so physically and mentally and emotionally your chemicals work right. When a body gets as far out of balance as we chronically ill can be, chemically, it's like a ripple in a pond radiating throughout the body and mind. It's not an issue of trust and emotional stuff as mucch as one talking to a trained doctor about symptoms and causes and corrective cures. You don't have to let your guard down or unveil your soul. It's no different than talking about any other kind of physical symptoms indicative of an illness. You are chemically out of balance and it makes things feel wrong. Please get in and see your doctor and don't put it off or wait. Tell your parents you need to see a doctor right away and to get in as soon as possible.

Jeff, this is pretty serious. Don't give up, hang in there, and see someone trained right away. We are here to support you, and it's OK to vent to us. But we all beg you to take care of yourself right away.

WE CARE!
 
Jeff,

The bottom line here is that cancer,crohn's and any disease you can come up with were here long before any fast food restaurants or ad agencies even existed. The average life span 100 years ago was less than 40. Some diseases have been virtually eliminated to the extent that most of us have have no experience with them.

The Black Plague which took out an estimated 1/3 to 2/3rds of the population of Europe.

Antibiotics saved my fathers life when he was young and had pneumonia. If he would have been born ten years earlier he would have died since antibiotics did not yet exist. Tens of thousands died of this every year before antibiotics.

Polio was rampant during my fathers time. Who has polio now?

Small pox wiped out most native American tribes before Europeans ever came into contact with them. Many others also died of this disease. When was the last time you met anyone who had small pox?

Of course, you are a smart young man and you know as well as I do that none of this stuff has anything to do with the problems you are experiencing. You are looking hard for something to hate or be upset with to avoid dealing with the real issue.

Your problem presently is not even Crohns disease. Crohns simply does not cause the symptoms you are having. Your problem is depression. You know in order to get treatment for your Crohns, you need to go to a professional that has experience with the disease. Depression is no different. You really do need to talk to a Psychologist. A Psychologist simply talks to you about how you feel and then helps you sort through it all so you can feel good again. My son seen one for his anxiety problem and he is much better because of it. It is much easier to talk to someone you do not know about these things. That is why it is easy to talk to the members here. We are similar to a Psychologist in that sense but we do not have the skills to help you. It would be the same thing only the Psychologist could actually help you out.

Maybe you do not trust people, but what motive would we have in telling you this if we did not believe it was true? There is nothing for us to gain or lose no matter what you do. Crohn's is enough for you to deal with. Why not get help for your depression? Unless you like being miserable. And I know from experience that part of you does like it. But, the other part of you just wants to be normal. Listen to that part. It is the part you can trust. Talk to your school counselor and show them your posts here. They should know where to go from there.

You do not have to trust us. Just think about whether it makes sense or not.

D Bergy
 
Hi Jeff :)

Just wanted you to know that what you're going through right now is completely normal and acceptable, everyone (sick or not) goes through this and the good thing is that you recognize and are approaching this instead of going into denial about it, that alone should help you conquore this glitch faster....just wondering, do you happen to take any omega 3-6-9? This is essential for inflammation, the brain and has quite a positive effect on mood...our bodies don't create omega fatty acids but need it desperately....taking it may help you deal with these feelings in the future...I know for me, I used to be quite easy to set off, angered easily, very deffensive and since taking the omegas the last thing I care about is drama, and my mood is so much better, even people who've known me forever have commented, they thought my crohns mellowed me, but it's definitely the omegas, because when I first got sick with CD, that made me even more angry...and thanks to the omegas I rarely get angry and when I do it's not near as strong and doesn't last very long...if something or someone annoys me, rather then getting into it with them, I simply ignore them.

Anyways, feel better soon, take care :)
 
I remember when I first joined here and u really inspired me. Just dig deep inside and find your strength. Depression has a way of taking hold and it's really hard to break away from it but with the will power you can. Chin up hun. I've been there and still have my days. But with a good med and good humor you can overcome it. Hugzzz to ya..take care of yourself.
 
Hi Jeff
I hear yah and I too have also been in that deep dark
place that they call depression.
You must get some help or talk to some-one about this
before something drastic happens,like trying to commit
suicide. I am a shamed to say that once I was so depressed
that I thought I would take the easy way out and I took
about 30-40 sleeping pills and much to my surprise I woke up
in the same place as i started.In my room in my bed. I guess
God was with me that day.

Depression plays a major role in our society today so much to
the point it can cause suicide. Especially more so in teenagers.
Just open up the newspaper or even watching the TV. Teen commits
suicide today because of ----------- some times there is no answer on
why they did it or not even a suicide note.
Then there is all the killings in Schools that is happening more and
more.The latest one in Virgina. WHY? Was he depressed too? WE
don't know or at least this is what the media has us believing.
They only tell us bits and pieces and not the whole story why?
This is only my opinion.

Back to you Jeff. Life is to short. You don't no when your time is up
or anyones time,so enjoy it the best way you know how?
My experience with suicide was not the answer.It made me realize all
the people that I would of hurt. Especially my daughter. I told her never
again would I attempt this. She said that I was the only person in the
world that she loves so much and how I would of crushed her world and
everyone else who loved me.
Now when I'm feeling depressed she knows and always talks to me about
what is on my mind or whats bothering me. She seems to sense it know.

Like for the past 6 weeks I have been down because of personal problems
one was moving and the other has yet to come. I must decide on surgery
by May 22nd this means the stoma and bag.
Now I find out a couple of weeks ago my daughter (whom is my rock we are
like best buddies)is showing signs and symptoms of IBS. This depresses me
and scares me also But I cant show or let my guard down in front of her.
I also noticed that when I was on pred. this made me very moody and depressed.
I have noticed a big change in me since I stopped taking pred.

Please please Jeff talk to someone about your depression before you
get deeper and deeper. Even if it is people on this forum to talk too.
I know when I am feeling blue i just read some posts and most of the
time it cheers me up.

This is the first time that I have spoken my deepest thoughts is now.
Because I too would keep things bottled up in side of me for the longest
time then just erupt usually on the wrong person.
So once again I urge you to talk to someone. You can pm me anytime.
Chin up Tammy

Also I am on an anti-depressant :) :bigwave:
 
Don't worry about me and killing myself and I could never do it. I think about how my parents would think and my friends and then since I believe in God what would happen to me, would I go to heaven or to hell or what. I am actually thinking about getting a tattoo in a few weeks since it will be my bday soon of eyes over my left peck. They would symbolize God looking down at me and everyone watching over me. I don't know whats going on in my head and I am going to be seeing someone soon, I think on the 14th so if I can wait a week I should be good. Thanks to everyone watching over me. I wish I was a dog right now so I could have someone else release the pressure of me having to deal with stuff. Like when you see dogs take their last bit of aggression and cool off with a deep breath like in the Dog Whisperer.
 
It's good to see you posting, Jeff. And for all the other members looking out for Jeff, I just wanna say I have emailed a couple times with him and he's doing OK. He's got some life choices to make, like we all did as young people. When I used to teach, the seniors seemed to hit this sometime in the year (sometimes the juniors did too). It was pretty painful to watch. The girls always cried in their favorite teacher's room afterschool. The boys got angry and lashed out. But it was the same thing. This is the what-do-I-want-outa-life moment. College, career, hometown, lifestyle, etc. Having a chronic illness and an injury too has compounded things. I am super glad Jeff will be talking with someone. One on one guidance emotionally and logically is so crucial, either from parents and family, school counselors, or professionals who are trained. And Jeff, you DO have us all looking after you. You are one of us, one of our people, and we look after our own as best we can. Hang in there. We have all been there and found our way in the world with our illness and our life choices.
 
Depression, teen age agnst, and suicide.. It's not something new. In my teen years, three people I knew tried it.. Unfortunately, 2 suceeded. The scenarios? One fellow, straight A student, attended a hypnotist show. Was hypnotized, proceeded to make quite a spectacle of himself (as did all of the others who particpated onstage) However, that evening, he went home, broke into his parents liqour, drank himself to oblivion, then took a shotgun and literally blew himself in two. The other.. a teen couple at one of the dances.. a silly argument ensued, they 'brokeup forever' publically, he drove away, then drove off a cliff. The police were able to locate his car because the headlights stayed on, illuminating his final resting place under water. The third.. a lovely young lady, a cheerleader and also on the 'Girls' ringette team.. I dunno if they still play ringette today, or if it's prevalent in your area.. Essentially, it's akin to ice hockey, except instead of using hockey sticks and a hard rubber puck, they used hockey sticks without the blade, but sharpened at the point, and a ring of rope.. during a game she played, she was intentionally or unintentionally slashed across the face, leaving her with a horrendous scar across the forehead, down her nose and across part of her cheek
Bear in mind that she was beautiful.. akin to a young Demi Moore or Angilina Jolie.
I don't think anyone got her into counselling or therapy at the time. These things were just treated differently back in those days. I know they did after she nearly succeeded in killing herself.. My point? Hopefully, we've learned from the past the importance of therapy, and that life is too precious to take it for granted, to try to make do without taking advantage of the numerous opportunities that exist today for people of all ages. To do otherwise means that those who've lost their lives to depression, angst, anxiety, whatever,, before.. truly lost their lives in total vain..
 
Glad you are taking steps to resolve the problem Jeff. It is a good sign of maturity.
You are wise beyond your years.
Were all pulling for you!

D Bergy
 
It's so good to see you posting again Jeff!
You hang in there...
and always remember we're all here for you!

Hugs~Nancy
 

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