- Joined
- Nov 4, 2014
- Messages
- 34
So Christmas is almost here. I remember that even last year as an adult I was extremely excited about the big day.
Honestly it no longer gives me any joy. No more running down the stairs to open presents because my knee hurts so much I need crutches to walk. My knees, elbows, ankles all hurt and my back and chest hurt when I move my torso so I don't want to get out of bed at all.
All I've been doing is alternating between sleeping and crutching as fast as I can to the bathroom so I don't soil myself. As you are well aware, BMs are extremely painful. I am lucky if I have enough energy to sit up and read or play games on my laptop for a couple hours. Very often, I want to do something like read or play games, but I just can't muster the energy...to sit up. Yes to sit up. I used to be able to run 6-8 miles and do extremely intense workouts. Now I struggle to sit up.
My father still doesn't believe I actually have Crohns and keeps saying that he will take me to a hospital or mental asylum simple because I don't eat much (to reduce pain) and I don't get out of bed much (excuse me for not wanting to inflict terrible pain that often makes me yell in agony). I've held off on peeing many times because I'm procrastinating due to that pain so I don't exactly want to crutch around for no reason.
My mom has multiple autoimmune illnesses, but she's even worse than my dad. She thinks just cause she can do things, I can too. If I worked a job like her, I truly think that I would end up in the ER in a week. She keeps telling me that I'm doing this to myself - like I enjoy sleeping much of the day.
I've tried pushing myself many times and it always makes things worse. One time I went on a 30 minute date and messed around a little in my bed for like 30 minutes. I slept for 31 hours straight when she left. Having sex destroyed me. The fatigue was so extreme that I couldn't stand for days. Cross another activity of the list.
I used to have a good body but I've lost almost all the muscle I've worked for. I can't even do one pushup now (used to be able to do 80 in a row). I used to have great skin - random people would even compliment me on it. Now my skin looks bad. My body (legs, chest, back, shoulders, butt) is covered in tons of pimples and I'm even getting cysts. It's not the steroids either; it started before them. My theory is nutrient deficiencies.
Back to Christmas. My parents got divorced and my brother and mother will only appear briefly. No dinner, no real celebration. Everything seems to be broken down.
I could go on and on about everything (just as I'm sure you could) but this vent/rant is already epic enough.
I guess in summary, I feel like everything has been taken away. Before this disease I was at the most happy point in my entire life. My dreams seemed to get closer everyday thanks to my hard work and discipline. I had more money in the bank than most people ever save. I was finally free of my extremely controlling parents (rented my own apartment and pay my bills), having sex regularly, working out 6 days a week, good friends, expanding my business etc etc.
I've now reached a low I never thought possible. The best day with Crohns is still worse than the worst day without it. I never could even fathom being in this amount of misery.
Believe it or not, I'm not one to rant much, but this is just too much for me. When I got bad joint pain that was the last straw. I'm in so deep it seems almost impossible to recover.
My quality of life is zero, and I feel like a complete degenerate.
Honestly it no longer gives me any joy. No more running down the stairs to open presents because my knee hurts so much I need crutches to walk. My knees, elbows, ankles all hurt and my back and chest hurt when I move my torso so I don't want to get out of bed at all.
All I've been doing is alternating between sleeping and crutching as fast as I can to the bathroom so I don't soil myself. As you are well aware, BMs are extremely painful. I am lucky if I have enough energy to sit up and read or play games on my laptop for a couple hours. Very often, I want to do something like read or play games, but I just can't muster the energy...to sit up. Yes to sit up. I used to be able to run 6-8 miles and do extremely intense workouts. Now I struggle to sit up.
My father still doesn't believe I actually have Crohns and keeps saying that he will take me to a hospital or mental asylum simple because I don't eat much (to reduce pain) and I don't get out of bed much (excuse me for not wanting to inflict terrible pain that often makes me yell in agony). I've held off on peeing many times because I'm procrastinating due to that pain so I don't exactly want to crutch around for no reason.
My mom has multiple autoimmune illnesses, but she's even worse than my dad. She thinks just cause she can do things, I can too. If I worked a job like her, I truly think that I would end up in the ER in a week. She keeps telling me that I'm doing this to myself - like I enjoy sleeping much of the day.
I've tried pushing myself many times and it always makes things worse. One time I went on a 30 minute date and messed around a little in my bed for like 30 minutes. I slept for 31 hours straight when she left. Having sex destroyed me. The fatigue was so extreme that I couldn't stand for days. Cross another activity of the list.
I used to have a good body but I've lost almost all the muscle I've worked for. I can't even do one pushup now (used to be able to do 80 in a row). I used to have great skin - random people would even compliment me on it. Now my skin looks bad. My body (legs, chest, back, shoulders, butt) is covered in tons of pimples and I'm even getting cysts. It's not the steroids either; it started before them. My theory is nutrient deficiencies.
Back to Christmas. My parents got divorced and my brother and mother will only appear briefly. No dinner, no real celebration. Everything seems to be broken down.
I could go on and on about everything (just as I'm sure you could) but this vent/rant is already epic enough.
I guess in summary, I feel like everything has been taken away. Before this disease I was at the most happy point in my entire life. My dreams seemed to get closer everyday thanks to my hard work and discipline. I had more money in the bank than most people ever save. I was finally free of my extremely controlling parents (rented my own apartment and pay my bills), having sex regularly, working out 6 days a week, good friends, expanding my business etc etc.
I've now reached a low I never thought possible. The best day with Crohns is still worse than the worst day without it. I never could even fathom being in this amount of misery.
Believe it or not, I'm not one to rant much, but this is just too much for me. When I got bad joint pain that was the last straw. I'm in so deep it seems almost impossible to recover.
My quality of life is zero, and I feel like a complete degenerate.
