Hi everybody.
My name is Kate, I am 24 years old Czech girl and I am tested for CD suspicion.
For more than 4 months I suffer from nausea, diarrhea, am losing weight (that was not a problem until recently), vomiting few times a week and feel weaker than I never did before. I must wait till June for another set of tests. Basically, I somehow managed the worst physical symptoms, but there is the biggest problem of all - my family.
My mother never married anybody, she raised me and my two older sisters (37y., 35y.) all by herself. Girls left home when I was five and they never looked back. They couldn't. Our mom is really abusive person. She used to beat us a lot, so when sisters disappeared, I was left alone in my personal hell. Mom spent all her life yelling at somebody, hiting her children with massive oak pole and psychically torturing them. Many people say she has to be psychopath, she understands, how emotions work, but she can't feel them. She never even smiled or huged us, she tought us, that expressing our feelings is sign of weakness, strong people just leave emotions for themselves, the best don't even have ones, like robots. I just grew up in family, where I learned to be always ashamed of myself for feeling stuff.
The saddest thing about parental children abuse in my country is that it's more common than anybody wishes. And it is often passed from generation to generation... Kids are born to serve, they have no control over their lives whatsoever.
I left home when I was 17 and lived with boyfriends, their families, but I wasn't happy. I was depressed probably whole my life that I can remember. And I don't really remember much. I lost all my memories the day I ran away.
Now it's seven years later and my memories decided to come back, slowly, painfully, one-by-one. And they are making pretty big mess in my head.
From time to time I consider commiting suicide, few times I even took the pills (when I was teenager), in January I went to the forrest and took 15 pills of zolpidem, fortunatelly, before I fell asleep, I saw a police car. They saved my life and I knew that day death is not an answer, just peace. I am not very grateful for my family and for the life they gave me and I know that makes me no-good daughter/sister/whatever. I want to be the loving relative they expect me to be, but our family is too damaged and full of wounded people...
My sisters' father repeatedly raped them and few years ago he died before they got a chance to talk to him. When they told mom, she didn't respond at all. Later she just told them, that she thought it was my father (three children, two dads), who had been abusing them. Apparently, that is NOT the reaction child wants when turning to his own mother with such a delicate situation.
Although they had a suspicion, girls didn't actually know and care about things mother did to me. Kicked me, sometimes denied me food, I still can't remember everything. And worst of all - she was cruel and enjoyed torturing of weaker, I remember that insane look in her eye. And somehow I feel that is her biggest sin.
I try to keep positive mood, but sometimes your brain is unstopable. It just lives its life whether you want it or not. Three days ago it was one too many. I went for a walk and suddenly I was calling my mother and talking (sometimes yelling). About everything she did to me. I asked her why. For five minutes I didn't think of consequences and just let it out. She just laughed at me and called my boyfriend to go and find his insane woman in the forrest. I didn't do it in revenge, or because of getting any answers. Or pity for myself. I just wanted to be left alone, I just wanted her to KNOW and let me be once and for all.
My oldest sister wrote me yesterday first thing in the morning, that mom didn't deserve to be yelled at and if I hate being part of this family that much, then I should kill myself. And posted something similar on my facebook wall, ha ha, that is real fun. When I was younger, mother let me read all letters my sister sent her, in which she complained to mom about how her life got worse after I was born and that she wish I never existed. That hurts a lot, I didn't mean to steal anyone's parent, did I...
From time to time I just feel I can't handle it anymore. My therapists are too far and I am unable to even walk by myself. Zoloft is a great stuff, but pills don't cure all kinds of pain.
I hate to whine, oh god, how I hate it. But keeping everything to myself almost got me killed few times. I do have perfect boyfriend, this one doesn't beat me, he is kind, but still... I have serious problems with trusting people, especially those physically close to me, who can hurt me anytime. He wouldn't, never, I know, but he had normal childhood, he fortunatelly can't understand this everlasting paranoia and fear. Fear of closed door, fast moves, blinking light, strange look in the eye... And he's my only hope for normal future life, I need him to stay pure and out of this mess as much as possible. I don't want to lose him just because I am crying dying wreck, who has to deal with death proposals. He knows about everything and supports me, but he is getting tired too... And I so desperately want to be normal, act normal, feel normal.
I consider visiting "mental sanatorium" for the second time (I took an one week vacation there in Autumn), the doctor there used to tell us, that loony-bin is everything out there, behind the walls. Sometimes I think he is damn right... Sorry for the depression spread, folks. I am just too exhausted by the desease (whatever it may be), I can't deal with my past right now. But it's really persistant. Every night I am wakened by some nightmarish dream about mom cutting my body into pieces. I feel I am losing it...
My name is Kate, I am 24 years old Czech girl and I am tested for CD suspicion.
For more than 4 months I suffer from nausea, diarrhea, am losing weight (that was not a problem until recently), vomiting few times a week and feel weaker than I never did before. I must wait till June for another set of tests. Basically, I somehow managed the worst physical symptoms, but there is the biggest problem of all - my family.
My mother never married anybody, she raised me and my two older sisters (37y., 35y.) all by herself. Girls left home when I was five and they never looked back. They couldn't. Our mom is really abusive person. She used to beat us a lot, so when sisters disappeared, I was left alone in my personal hell. Mom spent all her life yelling at somebody, hiting her children with massive oak pole and psychically torturing them. Many people say she has to be psychopath, she understands, how emotions work, but she can't feel them. She never even smiled or huged us, she tought us, that expressing our feelings is sign of weakness, strong people just leave emotions for themselves, the best don't even have ones, like robots. I just grew up in family, where I learned to be always ashamed of myself for feeling stuff.
The saddest thing about parental children abuse in my country is that it's more common than anybody wishes. And it is often passed from generation to generation... Kids are born to serve, they have no control over their lives whatsoever.
I left home when I was 17 and lived with boyfriends, their families, but I wasn't happy. I was depressed probably whole my life that I can remember. And I don't really remember much. I lost all my memories the day I ran away.
Now it's seven years later and my memories decided to come back, slowly, painfully, one-by-one. And they are making pretty big mess in my head.
From time to time I consider commiting suicide, few times I even took the pills (when I was teenager), in January I went to the forrest and took 15 pills of zolpidem, fortunatelly, before I fell asleep, I saw a police car. They saved my life and I knew that day death is not an answer, just peace. I am not very grateful for my family and for the life they gave me and I know that makes me no-good daughter/sister/whatever. I want to be the loving relative they expect me to be, but our family is too damaged and full of wounded people...
My sisters' father repeatedly raped them and few years ago he died before they got a chance to talk to him. When they told mom, she didn't respond at all. Later she just told them, that she thought it was my father (three children, two dads), who had been abusing them. Apparently, that is NOT the reaction child wants when turning to his own mother with such a delicate situation.
Although they had a suspicion, girls didn't actually know and care about things mother did to me. Kicked me, sometimes denied me food, I still can't remember everything. And worst of all - she was cruel and enjoyed torturing of weaker, I remember that insane look in her eye. And somehow I feel that is her biggest sin.
I try to keep positive mood, but sometimes your brain is unstopable. It just lives its life whether you want it or not. Three days ago it was one too many. I went for a walk and suddenly I was calling my mother and talking (sometimes yelling). About everything she did to me. I asked her why. For five minutes I didn't think of consequences and just let it out. She just laughed at me and called my boyfriend to go and find his insane woman in the forrest. I didn't do it in revenge, or because of getting any answers. Or pity for myself. I just wanted to be left alone, I just wanted her to KNOW and let me be once and for all.
My oldest sister wrote me yesterday first thing in the morning, that mom didn't deserve to be yelled at and if I hate being part of this family that much, then I should kill myself. And posted something similar on my facebook wall, ha ha, that is real fun. When I was younger, mother let me read all letters my sister sent her, in which she complained to mom about how her life got worse after I was born and that she wish I never existed. That hurts a lot, I didn't mean to steal anyone's parent, did I...
From time to time I just feel I can't handle it anymore. My therapists are too far and I am unable to even walk by myself. Zoloft is a great stuff, but pills don't cure all kinds of pain.
I hate to whine, oh god, how I hate it. But keeping everything to myself almost got me killed few times. I do have perfect boyfriend, this one doesn't beat me, he is kind, but still... I have serious problems with trusting people, especially those physically close to me, who can hurt me anytime. He wouldn't, never, I know, but he had normal childhood, he fortunatelly can't understand this everlasting paranoia and fear. Fear of closed door, fast moves, blinking light, strange look in the eye... And he's my only hope for normal future life, I need him to stay pure and out of this mess as much as possible. I don't want to lose him just because I am crying dying wreck, who has to deal with death proposals. He knows about everything and supports me, but he is getting tired too... And I so desperately want to be normal, act normal, feel normal.
I consider visiting "mental sanatorium" for the second time (I took an one week vacation there in Autumn), the doctor there used to tell us, that loony-bin is everything out there, behind the walls. Sometimes I think he is damn right... Sorry for the depression spread, folks. I am just too exhausted by the desease (whatever it may be), I can't deal with my past right now. But it's really persistant. Every night I am wakened by some nightmarish dream about mom cutting my body into pieces. I feel I am losing it...