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New Headspace

Amongst all the cocktails of medication within the past few months, spiralling highs and lowest of lows, having copious amounts of energy to having zero on a day to day basis, I think enough time has passed for my head to begin to start feel clear again. I wanted to share this piece to hopefully help others who may be feeling lost and low, dealing with physical pain, mental anguish, emotional pain as well as the horrid drugs us crohnies have to be on, on top of all of that.
I hope this gives some hope to you. :)

I thought originally being diagnosed four years ago was the biggest hurdle in my life, however this year has been one of the longest, roughest, confusing, manipulating and crippling years of my life... but there is hope.

This pain is like nothing I have every encountered before, it runs throughout every fibre within my joints, in my entire body. For the past 6 months I became this monster of a person, the waves of emotion felt every second, every minute of my day, I cannot describe and do not expect for anyone to understand, it was pure hell. I have understood when in pain continuously, rage, frustration and out of control projecting is all I became, and the thought of it terrified me nonetheless.

Having days not being able to get out of bed for hours because of the pain, not being able to get up, and go and reach for my pain killers or anything, to feel that hopeless, it felt as though there were days were i just wanted to end it, I just wanted to stop crying. This is hard for me to write as it has taken me a long time to realise, but amongst this, I was in a very manipulative and emotionally draining/blackmailing relationship. Looking back, it was horrible and very unhealthy and damaging to me, I have never felt more drained in my life than that year. I was made to believe that I could not find any other source of happiness unless it was him, I was so vulnerable and weak that he preyed on me to guilt me into feeling bad all the time, when I was sick and I was the one who should have been looked after, not him. He had suicidal tendencies and his on warped way of thinking which was bringing me down with him, I felt monitored and trapped. I thought I wasn't going to make it out alive in that relationship.


I was in the darkest place I had ever been in, I felt as though I had nothing left, the pain wouldn't stop. I was never told to ween off morphine or endnote and i stopped suddenly due to the nausea it was giving me, in turn I got withdrawals and spiralled into a deep depression from a chemical imbalance for a while. i couldn't feed myself properly, shower or drive, I am at the prime age in my life at 23 and felt as though I was 5 again, trying to describe that dark place is still a bit hard for me and I wish no one to ever feel the way I did, it was as if, I had come to a brick wall in my head and there was nothing at all I could do.

Now that I am out of it, my headspace has become clearer, I am slowly getting off prednsione which makes me so happy! My pain subsides most days now because of Mobic and Lyrica and my confidence is returning. I still have a long way to go before the Methotrexate works it's magic on it's own but at least I now have things in my life that I am trying to look forward to, not all hope is lost. My life is beginning again. xx :dance:
 

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afidz

Super Moderator
Thank you for sharing, I am sure it was difficult for you to do so.
I do understand (maybe not to the same capacity, but in general) what you went through. Its great that you freed your self from a bad relationship, this disease is hard enough on its own.
It sounds like you are definitely heading down a better path, just keep trucking through. Keep your goals in mind.
I have been going through a lot with depression pain and anxiety, it was all-consuming. Eventually I decided that I needed to focus my energy on something other than how depressed I was or how much pain I was in and I went back to school. I can't tell you how much of a difference it made. Everyone noticed that I was a happier person, I started carrying around a positive energy.
What I am getting at is find something else to consume your life. Yes, you are still sick and need to keep it in mind, but by focusing on something else, you start to think clearer.
 
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