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New to this forum stuff..need advice..relationships?

new to this forum stuff..need advice..relationships?

hi, i'm 19yrs old and ive had crohns for about 7yrs nw, and have had it really bad since diagnosis. Previously i had a colostomy(1yr) then had to have it changed to an ileastomy (left me with some really hideous scaring) and have had it for 3 years now. Ive gotten use to the fact that i've got crohns, but havent got round the fact ive got a stoma. I dnt like it at all, even though i am comfortable with it. Sometimes i forget i even have a stoma when im out and about with mates, till it fills up! Not everyone that i know, knows that i have a stoma, not even my college teachers when i started college, apart from the friends i grew up with since childhood. N even they forget ive got that blimin bag.
I'm currently on my first few dates with a girl that i really like and we are just getting to know each other. I really dont know how i'm going to tell her about my stoma or my crohns. If i dont like my stoma how can i expect someone else to like me with it. How should i go about telling her? any help plz..
 
I feel your pain, although i dont have a stoma, ive accepted the fact i may need one in the future. My advice to you was to write her a letter or send her a big email telling her how you feel about her, make her heart melt then tell her. If she thinks less of you or decides against having a relationship with you then shes not worth the hassell, But if you really like her then you definetly need to tell her, its not asif you can hide it forever.

Best of luck mate.
 

xJillx

Your Story Forum Monitor
Hi and welcome! I don't have a stoma, so I can't offer any advice. However, there are many people on here who have a stoma and have a loving significant other. And someone who truly loves you, isn't going to care about your stoma. Just like Nico said, you having a stoma is an issue for her, she isn't worth your time!
 

Jessi

Moderator
Hey Goldman.

I cannot empathize with you as I have no stoma (yet?), but I do know that we all need to learn to love ourselves again. We need to be okay with our body parts... all of them. Once you are comfortable with the fact that this is you now, things should get easier. And if you show her (or anyone) that it's not that big of a deal, then they shouldn't make a deal out of it, either.

I know this is easier said than done. But good luck to you and I hope everything goes well.
 
Been here done this and have scars to show...lol. Seriously though I have had to deal with the same issues just the flip side of it as I am a female. I can tell you in order to get others to accept you as you, stoma and all that you need to accept you as you are. I hope that makes sense. Mine was only temporary and reversed but still had issues. Best of luck to you!
:grr1d:
 
Like others here, I don't have a stoma (yet), but like you, I was pretty worried about having one, and what others might think of it. I took to YouTube to watch all the videos I could find of how they work, how they look, what others think, etc. and one thing that I found that stays with me was a girl who was dating a guy who had one. They'd not been dating long, and she'd just learned about it. She had watched many of the same videos I had, but was asking question after question, concerned for the guy she was dating, wanting to know how she could help make sure he was alright and happy. With that in mind, and with my own life experience with social anxieties, I think I can safely say that the world usually isn't as bad as we think it will be, and we tend not to give people as much credit as we should. Most people innately want to help. Try not to focus on what might happen in a negative sense, and remember that you are not your stoma. You are you, and if she didn't like you, she wouldn't be dating you in the first place. It's like a.. sixth toe, or a.. funny birth mark. It's just part of you. No big deal. :)
 
thanks you for your advice. i know i should learn to accept my stoma and be happy with who i am.
If anyone who has a stoma and has gone through a similar sort of situation, i would like to hear about your experiences.
thanks guys
 

Jessi

Moderator
The General IBD forum has a Stoma Subforum. Maybe you will get better help there.

Be well. :)
 
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