All I'm trying to do is enjoy my evening, and then I smell s***. I look my bag over, and I can't find anything wrong. I smell it though. Why? So I reach down and grab the clip so I can lift the bag up to see if it's leaking. Low and behold the clip cut part of the bag at the bottom. So it's been slowly leaking into the clip, and then spilling out when it was full. Great, now it's on my hands. And my t-shirt. And my shorts. Of course I can't just change the bag either, because I ate not long ago. Cujo just keeps going, and going, and going. I had to get emergency surgery back in May for the Crohn's because of high grade dysplasia. Now I have a permanent ileostomy. I didn't have too much time to research what they entailed, nor did I ever think (or rather I hoped) I would ever need one. Honestly though, I can't believe outdated the supplies are. A wafer that melts? Really? It's 2015 and this is the best we as a species could come up with? I figured my stoma would be grafted onto a stainless steel type ring that a would insure it could never come loose, and wiggle its way back inside. Plus, bags would just snap/screw on, fill up, take'em off, toss'em out, and repeat. Had someone told me it was this hard, I... At this point, I really just can't take being alive anymore. I'm not happy. I'm not still alive because I think things will get better. I'm here because if I kill myself, it will devastate my family and friends. So at this point, I'm just existing for other people. My doctor has sent out my insurance information twice already to get in touch with a psychiatrist to talk to me. Of course, I have two different insurances, so they just have a p***ing contest with each other over who should pay (It took me almost a month just to get supplies covered). I haven't heard back from anyone yet as far as therapy is concerned. I went out to eat tonight and my father was talking about blood clots (as I was hospitalized back in July for one due to the surgery), and I just blurted out, "I wish mine would've just killed me, 'cause I'm really unhappy and hate being alive." I do have Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, anxiety (severe social anxiety at this point). I already take Seroquel, which has helped me stop hearing voices for a majority of the time, and stopped the self-harm completely. I take Paxil for the depression/anxiety, but at 10mg, it's not enough. These things were prescribed by a psych long ago, but I since stopped seeing him because he decided that doctor/patient confidentiality wasn't important. He has since lost his license to practice, so my family doctor took over giving me refills. I just don't know at this point how much more I can take. The rectal area that was operated on twice after my total colectomy is starting to hurt again. It was turning necrotic a few days after my initial surgery, and I had to have it debrided. Wore a wound vac for several months, and it's supposed to be at the end stage. Yet I can barely sit for 30mins without my tailbone area hurting like crazy. I can't even sleep on my left side, or I wake up in pain/sore and can't move for a good 30mins. I hafta gradually ease myself onto my right hip and try to get out of bed if I roll over in my sleep. It's just been nothing but pain, pain, more pain, depression, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, more pain, more depression, etc. etc. Which when I expressed this to a nurse at the hospital when I was there for the blood clot, she literally said, verbatim, "You need to grow up." (yes, I reported her, and I'm pretty sure she lost her job as this was not the first incident of her being in trouble before). Last night I laid in bed w/ tears in my eyes and I just hoped I wouldn't wake up. And it seems tonight will be more of the same.