Relationship Problems-My Girlfriend has Chron's

[someguy87]

Hi, I'm going to try my best to make this post as coherent as possible

around may of 2010 I had Mono, which my girlfriend (we have been together for nearly two years now) contracted too.

After we both got over it, my girlfriend started having intense stomach pain. After countless doctor's visits, she learned she had Chron's diease. Right now she is on medication, and I think she is in a kind of admission

I'm defintely happy that she might be feeling better, but things between her and me have been in a catastrophic State!

It all started around the time her Chron's symptoms started flaring. Before that we were the most loving couple ever. We both sincerely loved each other (We still do), we were so happy, we could talk for hours, i could always make her happy, etc (kinda painful to reminicse bout happy memories with her so im going to sto there)

Again, it all started around the time of her symptoms.

She started drifting away. We used to text constantly, which she didn't want to do anymore. We used to hang out alot, which we never do anymore. (I'm lucky to see her once in two weeks - and she lives five munites away from me!)

Intamcy, sex? We haven't done anything sexual in over 7 months, which honestly doesn't bother me that much, and is not the reason why im writing this. However, she hates doing anything affectionate. That includes kissing, cuddling, etc

Now she hates the thought of talking to me. she says sometimes the thought of talking to me pisses her off We hardly talk anymore maybe a text and a phone call a week, if im lucky. and when we do talk its mostly me talking, and her not attemtping to talk at all, basically im trying to like coax a convo out of her
Though I think the main thing that bothers me is she now has trouble deeling with my personality. I can be a goofy person. And in our relationship, I loved acting silly, saying cute things and being happy with her (which I didnt fake any of these things)

Now, she hates it. She's repeatedlty said that its one of the main reasons that is driving her away. I mean I understand this and everything, but I have trouble about figuring out the moral question of weather i should not act myself around the woman i LOVE, repress my feelings, personality, etc


Now for her defense: She does have Chron's disease. Pus she is going to a comunity college full-time. (same one I go to) So I can understand th stress from this. Also, her bestfriend recently moved to the other side of the country.

Her friend moving also coincided with her Chrons Symptoms

Also she has told me that she knows how she's making me feel and that she feels so different, and doesn;t know why.

and to be honest in the seven months or so this has been going on, we have had a couple of days were we hung out, and had a amazing time, and we were as affectionate together as we were before. But ALWAYS the next day or so she would go back to her negative disposition.

To be honest, i feel like im on the verge of leaving her. All of this has been dominating my thoughts for months. Its always stressing me out

Ok In all my ramblings, i think the main thing I am asking is advise on how I can save our relationship.

I mean I can compromise. I can deal with no sex, or hardly hanging out, or no affection. I just cant stand the fact that she is trying to ignore me and hardly talks

 

[AndiGirl]

You sound like a very caring boyfriend, Someguy. It sounds as though she has a lot on her plate, and is still learning to deal with her illness. My guess is that she's been on Prednisone for a bad flare. Prednisone can really play around with your mind and emotions. When I'm on it, I start out feeling great and happy. It does help to relieve the Crohns pain and symptoms. As I am tapering off of it, I start to come down, and my mood can really go down with it.

I was diagnosed with CD the first year of my marriage, though I have suffered many of the symptoms and pains many years before being diagnosed. I never had the feeling of not wanting to talk with Scott, my husband. However, I remember getting super sensitive and moody while being on Prednisone. Scott was/is very understanding. I had to remember that even though I was feeling bad and going through a wild ride with the medication, that I still needed to be there for him. It was a hard balance, but with open communication and understanding, it can be done.

Her world as she's known it has changed, so she needs some time to acclimate and learn to accept and deal with her disease and a relationship.

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Hi Someguy, welcome to the forum. You do sound very supportive and I don't blame you for thinking of leaving when she's being so difficult. You have to understand that she's going through something very difficult herself. She may be going through depression - that's common for a lot of people dealing with chronic illnesses. As AndiGirl said, she may be on steroids which could account for massive mood swings. Or she could just be feeling like a different person - after all, she's had to adjust to a whole new way of living her life. She's got a "new normal" now and things that were cute and fun back in the day may have a different meaning to her now.

For example - my husband likes to tell me that I've got a cute butt. In the past, it didn't bother me. But now, I *hate* when he does that - to me, my butt is the source of a lot of ugliness in my life. It's the exit for my diarrhea, the home to my hemorrhoids, the source of some of my pain. It's awful and I hate it! And it has nothing to do with sexiness, to me my butt is the least sexy thing ever, although to hubby it's just a cute girl's butt and that's it. So stuff like that may be digging at your girlfriend, even if you don't intend it to. You've got to sit down and talk with her about this stuff and get her to communicate what she's feeling and why she isn't as into the relationship anymore. Maybe you can save the relationship and maybe you can't, but you've got to get her to communicate. She's probably been holding a lot of stuff in and feels like she can't talk to anyone about her illness (in which case, you might want to direct her to this forum!).

Good luck, I hope you are able to resolve things.

 

[Lydia]

Finding out you have a disease for life can mess a person up. There could be many things going on here. She could be trying to chase you away before you have have a chance to leave her at her lowest point in this disease. She could have re-evauated her life and decided there is no room for you in it anymore. She could be severely depressed and not want to be anybody's burden.

I highly recommend counselling to anybody newly diagnosed, as there is so much going in your head when you do get diagnosed.

 

[ameslouise]

I agree with all that is being said above. This is a huge deal that she is going thru, and, no offense, it has nothing to do with you. She needs to learn how to deal with this on her own, and that may take years. She is probably shying away from sexual stuff because she feels like crap. And any kind of affection - even hugging or kissing - she could be terrified that you might expect it to go further, and she's not up for that. So it's easier just to be cold than to let you down by not being able to do anything more physical.

My advice would be to give her some space, even "take a break" for a while until she gets her head together.

You are sweet to join the forum to get some advice. She is lucky to have you. I hope things work out, but know that if they don't, it's likely not due to you or anything you have or haven't done.

Hang in there. Pop back in anytime!

-Amy

 

[someguy87]

She broke up with me today...

Says she's young and wants to expereince life before she gets into a serious relationship

I can understand this yeah....but the only thing i want to do is experience life with her....blah blah blah blah blah


So, I guess my new question is weather u gals think there is a chance she will want to get back together to mesometime in the future

 

[ameslouise]

Awww, sorry about that, but I guess better now than dragging out for months on end.

Now YOU need to go out and experience life before getting into anything serious! Don't sit around pining for your girl.... if it's meant to be, it will happen. But don't wait for it. Get out there and take a look around!

Hang in there - you'll be a good catch for a nice girl that's ready for a good guy!

- Amy

 

[Jennifer]

So, I guess my new question is weather u gals think there is a chance she will want to get back together to mesometime in the future

I don't know. Same with what Amy said, I wouldn't wait for it to happen if it does.

In your first post where you said that it was your personality that was beginning to push her away, it sounded like things were simply going downhill real fast. You can't change who you are, nor should you try. You've both been through a lot and could both use a break from the stress that your relationship was bringing. Breaking up hurts and takes time to heal but you will heal. If its meant to be then you'll be together again but in the meantime, take advantage of being free and try to relax and be yourself.

 

[AndiGirl]

I'm sorry to hear that. You are a very caring boyfriend, but now you need to take care of yourself. She may need a little time to put things in perspective.

 

[Abby]

Be positive!

She broke up with me today...

Says she's young and wants to expereince life before she gets into a serious relationship

I can understand this yeah....but the only thing i want to do is experience life with her....blah blah blah blah blah

She's pushing you away. Dont let her! I'm 22 and 2 years ago I pushed all of my friends away from me, and sank into a deep depression. Luckily I found my boyfriend after I realized I made a mistake.

I used to want to run away from life as well. I spoke about moving to France, planned it down to everything. I didn't want anything to tie me down, because I couldn't be normal. I never wanted company due to malnutrition I was anemic and quite lonely.

I now have a boyfriend, and one friend from my past. I really miss a lot of them now, but I'd never call them because that means obligations.

Give her her space, but let her know you are there - if you want to be.

She will be moody and negative, and hard to get along with. I know I am a pain in the ass, and am lucky that my guy is being patient. If you love her, fight!

Try: "I don't know what you're going through, but I'd like to. And I'd like to be there with you and try to make things better."

Her best friend left- but if you love each other, YOU are her best friend!! Tell her to talk to you!

You are like the sweetest person in the world, and if you can move on, do! But if you love her... FIGHT!

 

[monkey]

Agreeing with Abby here!! When I get ill I push everyone away. This disease sucks and some days, I just don't want to get out of bed! SO having someone there means having to compromise and she might not feel like she can right now!
On the other hand, this may all be totally un-related to the Crohns.
It's a toughie. Try to remain friends and be supportive. That may mean doing things like taking her to appointments and carrying loo-roll in your car and stuff but thats what a good friend does-what mine do anyway
You sound like an absolute legend, so either way, I'm sure you'll make the best of it! Don't lose sight of you in all of this, you are important too

 

[someguy87]

Hey guys!

Thank for everybodys help and advice = )

Here's an update:

The day after She broke up with me, I got into a fight with her best friend. Basically I misinterpreted her trying to help me, and I got a little hysterical. I was worried that I had ruined any chance of me and my ex getting back together.

After that, I decided to not contact her again for about a month. Though I lasted till this thursday, which ended up being a little over two weeks.

Basically I told her I was sorry about getting in a fight with her best friend. She seemed to except my apology. But she did reiterate that she actually was enjoying being single, didn;t plan on dating anyone till after she transfers, and that she doesnt want me tying her down at all.

She also told me that she wants to be friends, but doesn;t want to be with me right noe because she is busy with college until the summer. Which means as of now she doesnt want me talking to her in the summer


Though she did end the conversation by saying that she doesnt, and will never regret dating me. That I was a great BF and treated her well. She needs to start thinking about herself and her needs, and that she needs time to sort things out. Idk if by that last statement, that she still harbored hope too, but idk.


There are times when I consider herself very selfish for all of this, leaving our relationship because she doesnt want "baggage", but I know what she is going throuigh a small amount.



So as of now, Basically she doesn't want any part of me in her life. And im doing alot better with this all then i thought I would. I'm trying to move on from the girl, that a year ago, I was certain i'd spend the rest of my life with, I was never so certain of anything in my life.

I'm glad that the break-up was so "wonderful" for her, and how she is enjoying it. But im the one who is devastated with everything still. Who still thinks about this every hour im awake, and is sitting in a room full of stuff she gave me. (I'm trying just to hide it from site for now)


But to Monkey and Abby:

There is nothing more I would want to do right then to fight with her., but the thing is i dont know if it's gonna cause her to drift away permenantly. She already doesn't want to contact me right now, at all, for atleast the next two months

I still wish that one day in the futre she will call me and tell me she was sorry and wants to try it again. but from what she's shown and told me, idk if that's ever gonna happen.

Though the one thing that bothers me is when she says that she doesn't want anything "tying her down", that it means that she wants to date alot of guys and/or be promiscuos at her new college?

 

[someguy87]

HI I'm sorry for the double post:


But I forgot to tell everyone thank you for their advice and kind words = )

It all really meant alot to me and helped me get through this a little better.



And I think the question I had, in all my babbling, was weather you guys think I should fight, considering everything she's told me so far?

 

[vonfunk]

Though the one thing that bothers me is when she says that she doesn't want anything "tying her down", that it means that she wants to date alot of guys and/or be promiscuos at her new college?

NO. NO. NO. NO.

Do not think that ever, never at all.

This is me, I don't know you or your ex, but this is my stance.

I was in a long term relationship, 4 years, it ended in October. I was the one that was dumped, I'm the one with IBD.
After a period I got over it, and I started dating again. I have no desire to jump into a relationship, It has nothing to do with being promiscuous. I get sick fairly often (although it has been a few months since I was in really rough shape). I like dating, I like going out for drinks, eventually I do want to have a relationship, but not until I have things under control. I'm having surgery in a couple months, I don't want to get in a relationship and say, "hey listen, I'm about to have major surgery, and will be physically and emotionally unavailable for several months".

I want to date, I want to have fun, but I don't want to drag someone with me while I'm sick.

 

[someguy87]

So a small update i guess.


I saw my ex at school today. We both are tutors, and after her session she walked by me, said hi, and seemed to genuinly smile.

I thought it was probably a nice gesture, not her way of trying to show interest in me again.

So latr that night I sent her a text saying something like "It was good seeing you again today, thanks for saying hi" and she texted me back saying "no problem, good night", even though it was like nine o clock


so what do you think this means? Just trying to be nice? trying to be friends?, or trying to get back together?

 

[Crohns08]

Sounds like she's just trying to be nice for your sake. I was like that with one of my boyfriends when he took our break up pretty harsh. I would just give her her space. If it's meant to be she'll realize leaving you was a huge mistake and come back to you when she's ready. If not then you'll be better off in the long run. I would only talk to her right now if she initiates it and in the meantime try to find yourself again. Hang out with your friends, do things that make you happy.

 

[someguy87]

I have been doing well finding myself n making friends and I have been dating and I wasvtrying to be friendly when I sent her the thank u tecct I just wonder if I sounded dwsoerate

 

[vonfunk]

I agree with everything that Toni said.
I think by her not being cold towards you that it shows she valued what you had together.

Everything comes to an end at some point. You didn't ignore her, she didn't ignore you. You may become friends down the line, but I won't try to rekindle or attempt friendship at this point.

 

[someguy87]

Hey Guys I have another question on this matter




Its been over two months now since we officially broke up. Ive been doing ok, i;ve been talking to diffrerent girls and going on dates, and taking care of myself


Things are the same with my ex. She did post Happy Birthday on my FB (Were still Facebook friends), along with her whole family.

I did also send her a Facebook message two days ago telling her that I was glad she went to a concert that originally she wasnt gona go to because I felt uncomfortable with her going, because it was with this guy. (Who is friends with her Best Friend, and susuquwently became friends with her, and apparently my ex's best friend liked said boy, but idk, they took a photo ofthem together at the concert and my ex n the boy seemed happy in the pic. )
Also I saw her at my college and ended up saying Hi to her,which she kinda looked back hurrdily and said hi in a pleasdent manner also.




but anyways, my question is I was wondering when and if I should call her asking her to hang out, as friends, and just talk.

I'm don't want to date her for the future, though I still do love her


I was thinking of trying to call her in the middle of summerish, so she can wenjoy some of the summer on her own without htinking about me or me asking her.

Im trying to think of a way to ask her that does not invlolve her saying..."idk maybe some day" and then that someday never comes.

 

[Jenny06xx]

You are such a nice guy and I can see you genuinely love her but you definitely need to just give up on trying to get back together because in my opinion she will get more an more pissed off with u being clingy an will notice your trying too hard to just be " friends" which will in turn piss her off.
What I think u need to do is don't show your interested in her, not in a nasty way, but by not texting her or trying to talk to her will give her the space she needs to evaluate her life .
She may date other people and be very happy but if she has any kind of feelings still left for you she will realise what she has lost and try getting u back!!

In other words, pretend your not interested anymore go on dates etc like u have been an let her do the same without even commenting on her new guy etc an if she loves u in the slightest she will wonder y you don't text her anymore etc , she will get jealous of your relationships an hate the fact your moving on and happy.
She may even date just to get back at u , but eventually she will realise your the man for her !!

If this doesn't work move on she ain't interested.
Just avoid having any contact wiv her for a while.
If this doesn't help I'm sorry but nothing ever will.

U may even find that as your pretending to move on you actually do meet someone you really fall for and want to spend the rest of your life with her !
There's only so much pushing away u can take an you'll know when you've reached your limit !

Good luck an keep us updated xxx
Jen xxx

 

[someguy87]

Yes Yes, lol You are completely correct, I am and was very clingy in our relationship.

I honestly just realized that fully, to the extent I was, after writing my last post.

It caused me trouble in past relationships and I certain now its the main reason why my Gf became distant and broke up with me.



Lol I do feel a lot better now that I understand why she broke up with me finally.


Though honestly we don't text or talk really, and I plan on keepin it that way for a while.

Though I still wanna meet up for coffee to talk sometime in the future.

 

[IAmTheWalrus]

If you still have feelings, you should really considering cutting her out of your life until they go.

It's the only way it will get better. If when you see her, you see her just has a friend then I say it's cool just to hang out, but honestly, ask yourself are you truly over her? If the answer is no, then you need to cut her out of your life.

Good luck, buddy.

 

[juicy24]

I know that when I got sick, I was very angry and would take things out on my bf. I know he had nothing to do with it, but unfortunally when we are hurting we tend to take it out on the people closes to you. I used to ask myself why I was sick and I would get mad. He has told me before that I am mad about being sick and taking it out on him. Which is true, but he also does the same thing. I believe that if you are meant to be together it will happen. She is pushing you away which I think is a very normal thing. She had a lot of stuff going on and probably didn't know how to deal with it, like you either fight or fly. Just continue to talk to her and let her know you will always be there when she may need you. PS I also think she is scared, having this disease and also trying to make a relationship work, is very difficult.

 

[Zootini]

Aww you sound like a really lovely guy! If she was on prednisolone i can almost guarentee this was the cause of her behaviour! Im still on it but on a lower dose but when i was on my initial high dose i was a complete different person! Snappy, over emotional & angry! Which is not at all me! I felt almost possessed & even though i was aware of how horrible i was being i couldnt stop my self! It is really hard when your young trying to deal with chrons & maybe your ex just needed some space, i dont think u have done anything wrong, just try & keep your chin up! If its meant to be it will be x

 

[someguy87]

Thanks you guys


As of now im in a really good place in my life. I feel happy I smile and laugh alot more, which is something i realzie I hardly ever did a few months ago.



As for the prednisolone, I cant remember what medication she's on. I know she has to do tranfusions.

 

[someguy87]

Hey guys just a update and a question.


I havnt't had any contact with my ex for over a month. Though her family still likes and comments my facebook posts on occasions and i try to do so too a little. Her family was always nice to me, and I have nothing but happy thoughts for them.



Though still being friend's with my ex's family means that every once in a while, a post will show up on my newsfeed, from their profile, that has to do with my ex. The a few times when I was stupid enough to look at them further, I noticed my ex-gf and her best friend making fun of me and ridiculing me.

For instance, one time I saw that her bestfriend posted this music video about a girl breaking up with her boyfriend, I think avril lavigne sung it. But her friend posted the video and then my ex commented that it "pretty much describes her last few months", with winking faces and lol and stuff

and another time her friend was refferring me creepy or something and my ex liked the comment

So its like her bestfriend is instigating it, but my ex is participating in it.



So I wondering what the hell this means? Is it her way of deeling with hurt, or is she just all of a sudden a mean spirited bitch?

 

[Dayz]

Oh my. I think its best that you forget about her, ignore those messages and move on. She really missed out on having a great guy because you sound like a genuine person with only good things to offer her. I do think that it could have been her meds making her depressed coupled with her new diagnosis but now I really think that it was for the best that you two seperated. I know for me personally I need my boyfriend now more than ever and he has been there for me every step of the way. I hope that you can move on and be happy.

 

[someguy87]

I m leaning far towards the "forget about her" but a part of me still holds out hope


and another part of me wants to call her up one night and confront her about the posts. To tell her that when I didn't critisize her about anythnig and tried to agree with everything she said. It wasn't me being weak and meak, I was just trying to create as little stress as possible for her


and a part of me wants to call her all sorts of mean names, but I most likely woudn't


idk, maybe its time to write her a letter or something and just explain to her my side of the story and how what she is doing is making me feel, just so I can get it off my chest

 

[Dayz]

That sounds like a good idea. Writing a very thought out letter to her. I hope that you can move forward from this and to cherish the good in your relationship but look back and now that you have learned to grow from it.

 

[kossy]

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own metal state. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

 

[Catherina]

My advice? Little harsh but I am a girl (woman now) and have a teenage girl daughter. Just go on with your life. Don't smile to her, don't text her and in general don't do anything with her! If she does more than smiling and talks or writes to you from her own initiative you answer politely, little aloof. Having Crohn's doesn't give you (her) the right to make life miserable for other people. To be nervous, uncertain, insecure, on edge is all understandable but that's it. Don't let her play with you. That doesn't help her either although at that moment it may make her feel a little better. Go on with your life and if she's ready (if she'll ever be) she will come to you and really talk (no games, real communication). Then you can start hoping and working on a relationship. She's a grown-up and so are you! You're not a psychologist and if she doesn't want to be helped she will damage you! Let her get to know herself and what she really wants (together with Mr. Crohn's) and as soon as she has leveled with herself she can start trying adding other people to her life. Sorry to be so hard!

 

[someguy87]

I'm not seeking to help her, or to try to make things work with her.

I'm just wondering why she would ridicule me on her and her sister's facebook page, knowing that I would see it.

I did take her off my friend's list a month ago, so I woudn't be tempted to look at her page. Then her bestfriend messaged me all annoyed by the fact that I did that. Which is wierd, considering the fact that she broke contact with me in the first place.

I'm sorry to keep going on with this. I know this doesn't really have to do with Chron's anymore as me just venting about things, but i do appreciate the help everybody has given me over the past four months

 

[Catherina]

I do feel for you. It's just that love hurts and you should protect yourself from that. ridiculing is low, very low. I can never understand why people can make themselves believe you can raise yourself up by ridiculing somebody else. Loving also makes you vulnerable to hurt and that may cause a rift that cannot be breached if she comes at peace with herself later on. Don't make yourself vulnerable to her, stay out of her way and don't make yourself an easy target and use you as a boxing ball. She will find a way to properly communicate with you in due time and you want to make sure that if she want's to she will not be held back by her own shame. It doesn't serve either of you if bad words, acts or behavious stand in the way of good communication later on.

 

[Jennifer]

That's just what people do, they bad mouth their exs. At this point its either lose touch with the people you want to stay friends with or keep them as friends and deal with having to see her and her friend's dumb posts. They'll stop eventually. Try not to take it to heart.

 

[someguy87]

Hey guys Here's a quick update


about a few weeks ago my ex's best friend prank called me, called me again to ask how i was doing (weather i was over my ex), and then called me a third time that week to say that ishould give my ex around two hundred bucks that i owe her)
I did owe her the money and during the break up i let her firnd knoe i would be willing to pay her back


I was wondering if she's doing this as a immature spite, or perhaps she really needs the money due to her chrons. (is themedication expensive?)

what are your views?

 

[colleeny beany]

My view is, it's her money. It belongs to her and you were just borrowing it. Pay her back what you owe her and move on.

 

[someguy87]

Still She defintetly owes me some money too

but still I agree with you, only problem is I dont even have enough money to pay my own bills right now, so unortunatly this whole thing gets dragged out till I can pay her.

are Chrons medications overly expensive? I believe she is using infusions

 

[Abby]

If she is on infusions, they are very expensive. Currently I am paying 3000 dollars per treatment. HOWEVER, how much does she owe you? 200 dollars will not help much and for long, and you should maybe keep in mind this is her friend asking for it. Is her friend going to pick it up? I wouldn't pay her without some confirmation from her.

Also, there are so many things helping patients to pay for the medicine. My sister who had no benefits ended up oweing nothing after the 3 foundations helping her had paid, so she may not even need the money.

My advice: Wait for her to ask, and pay only what you owe. Even as a nice person, money is touchy - and you CANNOT pay her friend, lest she doesn't get it, and demand more again.

Don't be rude about it, just let her friend know you need to deal with her as it's a bit of money, and you'd be happy to pay what you owe... and ONLY what you owe. That's how the world works. Don't forget to calculate what she owes you.

STOP thinking about her in terms of her disease, unless she mentions it herself. You have no more obligation to her just becuase she's sick... the world keeps turning unfortunately, and lots of peopel are sick.

If you have trouble paying your own bills, it's time to borrow from someone who is trustworthy... how about the bank of Mom and Dad?