Self destruction and having crohn's

[twiggy6]

Hi, my names Alice. I'm 21 and have been struggling with Crohn's since I was eighteen. I'm currently in a flare up since April (on infliximab and azirthiroprene - neither are currently working). I also struggle with depression (possibly bipolar), recently I've been suicidal and to deal with this and as a product of this I've been very self destructive. This means eating foods that cause me a lot of pain/nausea. self-harm. Drinking alcohol (which also causes me problems), and taking drugs.

A few weeks ago I went onto the elemental liquid diet because the nausea was so bad I couldn't eat enough to get by. After coming off the diet I seemed to survive a while but now I feel very sick again. But the idea of going back on the elemental is kind of unbearable when I'm already feeling so low and lifeless.

Before I had crohns these self destructive patterns weren't such a massive health worry (well it was, but in a different way). I'm currently waiting for my treatment of infliximab to work I'm worried my drinking especially will impede my recovery.

I'm not sure if there's any advice anyone can really offer me, but really just wondered if anyone else had struggled with the same problem. I'm feeling very alone in this right now.

Thanks.

 

[DJW]

Hi Alice,

I can relate to what your going through. Being sick all the time is a huge burden.
It is crucial you see a doctor about this depression...ESPECIALLY when you're suicidal.

There is treatment available. Counciling is critical in the years following diagnosis. Many of us (including myself) have gone that route.

Do you have a close friend you can confide in?

Sending you my support.

 

[lily3308]

Hi Alice,

I have also struggled with depression/bipolar, and I find that it correlates with my disease activity. When I'm doing well psychologically, my physical state is better. When I get depressed/anxious, I have a flare. So treating/dealing with them both at the same time is important. I have taken antidepressants etc. since 2008, and they have made a BIG difference in my life. I see a psychiatrist but also a therapist. The therapist is especially helpful because no pill is a silver bullet to fix all the emotional things we deal with. If you are suicidal, you need to see a doctor immediately. As DJW said, there is treatment available.

 

[DJW]

Hi Alice,
How are you feeling?

 

[twiggy6]

Hi Alice,
How are you feeling?

Hi thanks for both your messages! I'm doing somewhat better mentally now and I've stopped drinking and I'm back on the elemental diet. I have an appointment with the psychology team who are going to assess me (with the thought I may be [bipolar or have borderline personality disorder), hopefully once I have some kind of diagnosis I can get the right kind of support for my mental health.

I did consider going private for psychotherapy but that might have to wait as it's looking like I'm going into hospital again as I can neither tolerate food or the elemental - only 4 elementals a day at the moment and slowly loosing weight.

Thanks for your kind words, I think I just needed a response and to get it out there about how I was feeling.

:hug:

 

[twiggy6]

I have also struggled with depression/bipolar, and I find that it correlates with my disease activity. When I'm doing well psychologically, my physical state is better. When I get depressed/anxious, I have a flare.

I have found the same, the last two times I had a flare was after moving out of environments I found very emotionally difficult. Think it's just the mind and the body cannot be seperated.

Thanks for your reply :kiss:

 

[lily3308]

I'm glad you're on the right track. Getting assessed is the first step. In the event you are diagnosed with bipolar/manic-depression, I recommend a great book called 'The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide'. It really helped me better understand it and how to manage it. Whatever happens, good luck! I'd love to hear how things turn out for you.

 

[ScubaWoo]

ScubaWoo 10:10 PM Today
I have had crohns disease for about 15 years, and I was in denial until 3 1/2 years ago and went through emergency surgery with removal of 13 inches of my small intestines and part of my colon. A single parent. Of course it's so typical of your family members, or at least mine, say you can eat this....or it's all in your mind...you're crazy...and "oh, if you get a migrane from humira then quit taking it...also...mother said I was in the most lowest part of my life!! YES!!! I have been depressed a bit after surgery because I lost 2 jobs and one unemployment because I was so sick. I really don't have a suppoert system at all, but through the years I refuse to let this disease "label" me and identifY who I am!! It took years to get to this point. However, this disease is "no one's fault". You didn't do this to yourself. I have done so much research, and can testify that worry can only hurt you worse. Worry and feeling as though it's your fault is so hurtful to you, because you did nothing to cause this...you couldn't have. There is no evidence that anyone can cause this to themselves, unless possibly cronic stress and anxiety (which I had both), but I still can't blame myself. Had I "known", which physicians still can't be certain...I would have been treated for anxiety to be able to chill out to sleep at night. Truly, I have accepted Crohn's disease, and yes I don't feel well at times, but I have come so far I truly feel that I am in the best place in my life my soul is at peace and not afraid. I am truly happy. I pray for Alice. It is not your fault..find peace, embrace and move forward. Regain "your" life back and get out when you can and breathe flowers and feel sun on your body. I can't live as I use to because I used to be so athletic...but riding bikes and neat things like this will help your soul breathe. Please enjoy your life...we only have one life to live . I hope so many of my fellow people read my testimony...because I am a walking truth. I am not in remission and take humira twice a month...but I am "great"...I hope you think about this mind and heart set. It's worth "living" our lives!!

 

[lily3308]

Scuba, that's so great and such an achievement that you've come to accept Crohn's. I still spend a lot of time in denial-- pissed off or sad or "why me?!" or just acting like if I ignore it, it will go away. I blame myself (which makes it worse) a lot when I don't eat perfectly or do things that might contribute to a flare, but I try to forgive and reassure myself that no one can be perfect and that even if you do everything "perfectly" the disease still has a mind of its own and can flare despite your best efforts. Working towards acceptance and enjoying the small beautiful pieces of life that you can is the way to peace!

 

[Lady Organic]

Hi Twiggy6,

im glad you have stopped the drinking and could return on the liquid diet. Hang on and with the psychology team, I am sure you will get good support and direction. Try to remain as active as possible, meet people, socialize with friends, etc to keep your mind busy. there will also always be someone here in the forum to express support to you too. Wishing you well :ghug:

 

[ScubaWoo]

Scuba, that's so great and such an achievement that you've come to accept Crohn's. I still spend a lot of time in denial-- pissed off or sad or "why me?!" or just acting like if I ignore it, it will go away. I blame myself (which makes it worse) a lot when I don't eat perfectly or do things that might contribute to a flare, but I try to forgive and reassure myself that no one can be perfect and that even if you do everything "perfectly" the disease still has a mind of its own and can flare despite your best efforts. Working towards acceptance and enjoying the small beautiful pieces of life that you can is the way to peace!

Hi Lily Oh trust me, I was in total denial until I had surgery. Then I cried and lost jobs because I was so sick. Before surgery I use to eat raw oysters at times...and I "could" have gotten crohn's from oysters. However, it is my understanding that someone in my fathers side had colon cancer....it really doesn't matter to me because I want to move on in life. Oh Lily, I hope for you that you can not blame yourself...the physicians truly do not have a cure. I pray you find peace and life without worry and blaming...we deserve to be as happy as we can, even though we get sick sometimes....I actually feel free. I needed to be free. I felt so tied down to Crohns. It was awful.

 

[n00b]

Hi Lily Oh trust me, I was in total denial until I had surgery. Then I cried and lost jobs because I was so sick. Before surgery I use to eat raw oysters at times...and I "could" have gotten crohn's from oysters. However, it is my understanding that someone in my fathers side had colon cancer....it really doesn't matter to me because I want to move on in life. Oh Lily, I hope for you that you can not blame yourself...the physicians truly do not have a cure. I pray you find peace and life without worry and blaming...we deserve to be as happy as we can, even though we get sick sometimes....I actually feel free. I needed to be free. I felt so tied down to Crohns. It was awful.

Huh, I believe eating raw Oysters was the start of my battle with Crohns. Strange reading your post when you mentioned Oysters

 

[george john]

Alice listen to ScubaWoo and lilly3308 they kinda said it all. I have had CD for 45 years, been on every med. Had small bowel resectioned 3 diff times now on Humira every 7 days has worked better than most meds I have taken over the years. Depression is part of CD,with all the negative feeling and guilty go with it. Please stay fighting and never submit to dark feelings without talking to you friends and doctors.I retired from teaching 35 years and enjoying just being a lazy guy.It does get better over time,I have found most of my health problem link back to CD.

 

[Mckillip9514]

Hi Twiggy6,

im glad you have stopped the drinking and could return on the liquid diet. Hang on and with the psychology team, I am sure you will get good support and direction. Try to remain as active as possible, meet people, socialize with friends, etc to keep your mind busy. there will also always be someone here in the forum to express support to you too. Wishing you well :ghug:

Hey there organic lady!!
I was drawn to your name, and positivity of course!! I have been through it all like most of us here. All the meds, all the side effects, surgery, depression, anxiety/ panick attacks, and through most of it I had support of my amazing mother. She died one day no explanation. I didn't want to live. I have a husband incredible man, he even asked m to marry him whiel in the hospital, lol I picked mtself up after years and years of horrific pain mind and body we can't separate the two and they feed of each other, it's just the way it is. So since I am pretty much healing my body through whole food now. We are always told white rice, white bread, ect. Which I can understand for a period of time, but I was so malnourished I didn't stand a chance. I was dairy free always, I am gluten free and I follow an autoimmune style diet which is tailored for people with IBD ect.,
I cook everything so it is easier to digest. But it is seriously working very well. When I started I was still acute, but I new that if I didn't take my health into my own hands it would just be a vicious cycle the rest of my life. I am in school for culinary nutrition, I do therapeutic yoga and walk. 2,years ago this would of not been possible. With the right probiotic, digestive enzymes and a product that has given me even more organic fruits and veggies through capsules I literally go to the bathroom every single day. They are perfectly normal, huge I'm talking a foot and a half long, incredible!!! I have energy, I sleep better and no more stress because I can't eat anything without bloating or wanting to throw up.just thought I would share maybe the brighter side of all this, it could either be the worst thing that could of ever happened to you or maybe the best, you just never know!!!!
Thank you for listening!!!
Mckillip9514

 

[NeverDull]

This is an important time of year for people with multiple health issues including IBD and mood disorders. I wanted to share my story and the positive outcome.
I'm 64, was diagnosed with Crohn's at 19, had depression since the age of 6, but was not diagnosed till an overdose at 50 during menopause (those darn hormones).
I have had substance abuse issues all my adult life, one of my coping mechanism. Finally got an ileostomy done in 1992, and weird as life is, I got involved with a good man 2 years later and we are still together. I am sober, off meds except for the depression which is stable now for the last 5 years.
Our family has a multi generation history of addiction, mood disorders and bowel cancer on both sides. Dysfunctional is not even close to the reality.
It's not till I allowed myself to grieve and grieve and grieve for all the losses and finally accepted reality, that I finally stopped my self-destructive behavior.
It's still hard sometimes, like this week. Some anger and rage feelings are still there and surface. WHY ME???
Yet, I realise now with a more mature perspective that I survived, I am lucky, and found the best part of my life much later than I could have imagined. There are so many people worse off than me and I feel much compassion for them.
If you are troubled and reading this, please consider the tomorrows, there is hope.
Best wishes for the next week.
Marie

 

[lily3308]

This is an important time of year for people with multiple health issues including IBD and mood disorders. I wanted to share my story and the positive outcome.
I'm 64, was diagnosed with Crohn's at 19, had depression since the age of 6, but was not diagnosed till an overdose at 50 during menopause (those darn hormones).
I have had substance abuse issues all my adult life, one of my coping mechanism. Finally got an ileostomy done in 1992, and weird as life is, I got involved with a good man 2 years later and we are still together. I am sober, off meds except for the depression which is stable now for the last 5 years.
Our family has a multi generation history of addiction, mood disorders and bowel cancer on both sides. Dysfunctional is not even close to the reality.
It's not till I allowed myself to grieve and grieve and grieve for all the losses and finally accepted reality, that I finally stopped my self-destructive behavior.
It's still hard sometimes, like this week. Some anger and rage feelings are still there and surface. WHY ME???
Yet, I realise now with a more mature perspective that I survived, I am lucky, and found the best part of my life much later than I could have imagined. There are so many people worse off than me and I feel much compassion for them.
If you are troubled and reading this, please consider the tomorrows, there is hope.
Best wishes for the next week.
Marie

Thanks, Marie. This time of year is indeed HARD for me! Every fall my mood disorder kicks into high gear. Luckily I work with a good psychiatrist and therapist. I know I am still in the process of grieving... One day I hope to achieve acceptance.

 

[NeverDull]

Thanks, Marie. This time of year is indeed HARD for me! Every fall my mood disorder kicks into high gear. Luckily I work with a good psychiatrist and therapist. I know I am still in the process of grieving... One day I hope to achieve acceptance.

I understand completely. Glad you have your safety net in place and getting the proper support you need while you go through this very hard process. It takes guts! You should pat yourself on the back!:thumright:
best, Marie