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Sex related question

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My question is possibly TMI (too much information), and I am soooo sorry for that, but I seriously don't know where else to ask this and I am definitely NOT mentioning this to my GI doctor.

Before my CD got serious, I was very into anal sex. Over the years I've had many rectal manifestations, fistulas, etc. Right now I'm 100% in remission with a closed-ended fistula that is non-symptomatic. For the first time in a looong time my sex and dating life are happening again. I have recently been dating a really lovely guy who is interested in anal sex.

I have quite a bit of rectal scarring but not 10/10. Up until now I've been paranoid of doing so much as an enema, letting alone putting something... bigger... up there. I am terrified of causing an inflammatory event that could lead to a flare, but I also want to have a sex life.

If I have anal sex right now I'd be in a lot of pain because of scarring and some narrowing. I'm not as wide in the rectum anymore. Could I remedy this by using sex toys like dildos and gradually stretch things, or is that a fools errand? Would using something to force my rectum to become wider seriously harm me? Could it cause a flare?

I notice my stools are more narrow than they used to be, but nothing major. Nonetheless it shows that things aren't as wide as they used to be, which means letting my man go in there could be difficult.

Thank you for reading. Compassionate, non-judgmental advice would be appreciated!!


Staff member
I'm sorry, but if it were me I would abstain and find other methods to show love and affection. You could get hurt and be sent to the hospital. Is it worth it? Ask yourself. Maybe you can get your kicks another way? I wish you the best and I'm always open to discussion. We support each other here, we're not prejudiced.

All the best.
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Staff member
I would be more concerned about physical injury, as any scar tissue you have in the area may tear. I'm not necessarily of the opinion it would cause a flare. I think it may do more harm than good that's all.
Again, maybe TMI... but years ago after a flare when I was in remission, I tried a dildo. I went VERY slowly. But I remember at one point, I hit a wall. I guess it was a narrowing (not a true stricture). When I pushed a bit harder I could feel something "give"... not like a tear, but it hurt. My bowels weren't normal for a good 2 months after that... there was more mucous. Once it subsided, my BMs were normal size. I feel like maybe I pushed through a narrowing.

My fear is that because there's a lot more scarring now, if I did the same thing it could actually tear a hole in my rectum. Is that a possibility? How thick is the rectal wall anyway?
I think GI doctors and GI surgeons are the ones who know what the risks would be for you, and they should be comfortable talking with their patients about this. If you feel you can't ask your doctor, there are reputable websites on line where you can can pay something (not a lot) and confidentially ask a doctor a question. If you can ask for a gastroenterologist or a gi surgeon and explain your surgical hx etc, you may get some useful info. I have asked a question about infectious disease and was satisfied with the answer.
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Staff member
Again, maybe TMI... but years ago after a flare when I was in remission, I tried a dildo. I went VERY slowly. But I remember at one point, I hit a wall. I guess it was a narrowing (not a true stricture). When I pushed a bit harder I could feel something "give"... not like a tear, but it hurt. My bowels weren't normal for a good 2 months after that... there was more mucous. Once it subsided, my BMs were normal size. I feel like maybe I pushed through a narrowing.

My fear is that because there's a lot more scarring now, if I did the same thing it could actually tear a hole in my rectum. Is that a possibility? How thick is the rectal wall anyway?
One thing I've learned over the years is, if you have to ask yourself, "will this hurt me?" It usually can hurt you and just might do so as well. Make sure to talk to a doc about this, don't be ashamed. I agree that doctors know all about the different types of sex that people have, as well as the risks involved. I think it's best to consult an MD regarding your sex life, just to be on the safe side. Let us know what happens.
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Lady Organic

Staff member
Hi there. Im with all the others on this. I would abstain. The risk to hurt yourself is quite high in my opinion, especially you have a history of complication in the anal region. Our tissues are more fragile than healthy people, even if on remission. Anal intercourse would put a big stress on your anus and rectum. I really see the potential for a mechanical issue or a disease inflammatory response/manifestation/wake up here and you already got a warning with the dildo experience. Its not a go me, unfortunately:(
Thanks for the compassionate and understanding feedback. I'm going to hold off.

I've only been in remission for 1 year. Maybe much further down the road if I have sustained remission the tissues there won't be so fragile.
Just thought I'd give an update.

In the heat of the moment, I tried anal sex with someone who I have been really in love with. Our time together was really precious to me, but the act itself was a big mistake. We didn't even fully go through with it. I just tried it but then couldn't handle it.

I feel like my rectum and sigmoid areas are full of scars from IBD, and the scars were somehow protective. Well, upon trying anal sex, everything got torn. I could feel the tearing. My sigmoid-rectum area is probably somewhat narrow from all the past flaring, and penetration just stretched it all too much, too fast.

Initially I was just sore for a day or so, but my bleeding has steadily escalated and now the inflammatory cascade has been gradually starting.

I feel like such an idiot for sabotaging my own health in this way, and I pray that I can get myself out of this before it gets too serious.

The quality in my bowel right now feels like an injury... like lots of fissures. I don't feel a true ulcer or anything forming (yet). Regardless, I'm losing weight, blood, and I'm in a lot of pain. IBD meds don't traditionally work on me so I don't even know what to do exactly.

Anyway, I pretty much just screwed myself over and I am very upset. I'm posting this so that others in the future can learn from my mistake.


Any support that anyone can think of offering at this time would be much appreciated. I'm feeling pretty frightened by the prospect of a life/death flare. I'm thinking of maybe trying an enema made with medicinal herbs. I don't know yet. Sigh
So sorry you are going through this. Was this recently? Perhaps your body just needs a bit of time to heal and things will get better. Perhaps you should check with your doctor as well. Don't beat yourself up. We have all done things in the heat of the moment or on impulse. You are human.


Staff member

I think you better go see the doc. I wouldn't try an enema of any kind right now. I know, human urges... what can we do??? Please get yourself checked out as soon as possible. Something went wrong and the sooner it's looked at the sooner you can get treatment. Keep us updated on how you are doing. I wish you the best.
My symptoms do not seem extreme. I'd say they are moderate. There was no bleeding for the first couple of days, then it increased over time. Now it's looking more and more like a UC flare.

I am going to see my doc in a couple days. Between now and then I'm trying my different ways of getting better that sometimes work for me.

As far as I know, even if there is bowel damage of some kind, the treatment approaches would be the same? They'd give pred and wait for the body to heal it. They wouldn't do surgery or anything unless there was an actual rupture. Am I wrong?
Yep... so just so everyone knows, you can have a full on flare from what I just did. It is brutal. I don't know what's about to happen to me. I'm taking 40mg of prednisone and watching diet but I'm losing weight like crazy. Can't believe this is happening just from one momentary act.

IBD is a total nightmare. I hate this disease with all my being. I don't know how to stop it now.
I am very upset, I can't stop crying.

My flares always get life threatening and then I'm immobilized for months.

It might not go that way this time... it's possible. It's just past experience informs my fear.

Can prednisone on its own really work?

I feel like I'm grasping at straws.


Staff member
I would definitely see a doctor. I think you tore some scar tissue, It's very fragile compared to normal tissue. The only way to know is to be examined by a doctor, preferably a colorectal surgeon or an IBD specialist. However, any doctor is better than none. Please go and get checked out. Be sure to let us know how it goes.
I saw my doctor. My symptoms are not indicative of anything serious, just a stinkin IBD flare. My pulse, blood pressure, and temperature are normal. No sign of active infection. The anal contact likely severely irritated the delicate tissues of my rectum that were already ravaged by previous severe flaring, and it just started up all the IBD garbage again.

It makes me feel worse that this is my fault -- I did this to myself, 100%.

Even if they did a scope and found out I tore scar tissue, what then? It's not like they have some magical procedure to fix it. The treatments are still all the same. Steroids, immune suppression, and surgery.

So tired of this stinkin organ that doesn't work right. Once my bowel gets locked into this inflammatory cycle, it's impossible to tell when it will end. In the past it's never a quick deal. It stretches on and on... my recovery takes half a year or more.

Maybe it'll be different this time. I don't know.


Staff member
I'm glad you saw the doctor. If something is torn you need it to heal. This may include a low fiber diet and broth to help yourself get better. I have passed a hard stool and it resulted in emergency surgery. Now I know not to add fuel ( high fiber ) to the scarred areas experiencing damage. Fiber is great but only if you can tolerate it. I recommend soft foods and liquids until you feel improvement.
I've been doing pureed food only... I carry around a jar of it with me. I'm not getting enough nutrition, but I don't want to cause a further problem.
Okay, you have owned this, and you made a mistake during a heated moment. It's time to heal now (emotionally and physically). Cut yourself
some slack about what caused this episode and hopefully it will pass quickly. You know next time not to take a chance. Anger will not help with the healing. Be kind to yourself.
I just hope there is some grace. I know hoping doesn't do anything, I have to deal with the reality. But... hoping that this doesn't get as severe as it usually does.
Severe UC flare now, completely disabled, under 24/7 care. Spent 1 week in hospital, then got sent home. Pain is 10/10 and I'm morphine dependent. Lost all body weight, now a skeleton. Considering colectomy.

This is a nightmare. Had no way of knowing this could happen, so fast and so bad.

This is the last time I let this disease rob me of my livelihood. The last damn time. I want this rotten organ out of me now.
You poor thing. What a nightmare. I don't know if you can tolerate it but coconut milk is high fat and reasonably digestible, I blend it with a banana and powdered ginger and powdered probiotic vsl3 (when I can afford it). Add a blob of smooth almond nut butter for extra calories. Add fat to everything - butter and cream in scrambled egg, coconut oil in soup, avocado with anything. I lost two stone I couldn't spare when I was really ill and its miserable, even lying down or having a bath hurts instead of being nice.

I don't know what worked last time to get you out of a flare but you will get there again and this will just be a bad memory. Be kind to yourself. Best wishes.
I am just now seeing this thread for the first time tonight .. and I am very concerned.

MountainGoat, please let us know how you are doing.

I am going to post to you from an understanding of where you are. I am not only a gay man myself, but also a former first responder (volunteer firefighter and medic) and having Crohns.

I have also had to give up certain sexual acts with my husband because of this friggin disease. He, initially, was very unhappy about the situation, but after having attended several of my doctor visits with me, and my being very open with my doctor, he came to understand that there are just certain things that we can not do without the risk of doing damage. For many years I was afraid that my sexual activity was what caused my IBS symptoms and did not seek medical treatment.

As was mentioned before, and you have no doubt figured out by what has happened, you are probably not going to be able to be on the receiving end any longer. What concerns me is the scar tissue that you have. Normally our skin is pretty flexable and pliant, however, once broken and it becomes scared, that flexibility diminishes greatly. This is, no doubt (at least to me), what happened.

It is possible to be intimate with your lover without intercourse. Mine and I cuddle, and provide manual or oral manipulation. If the two of you are truly in love, intercourse will not be a determining factor of you two staying together. My husband and I have been together for 17, going on 18 years and have been married for the last 5. I can't imagine living without him!

If you need someone to talk to, check your profile, I sent a message with my email address.
I'm not closed minded, but you wouldn't pull out your own teeth with pliers if someone asks you too. It's not about sex, it's a post about medical complications. Only chronic pain sufferers would understand. You wake up in pain, you spend the day in pain, you go to sleep in pain.
63, go back and read the original post

it is about "sex",
and a choice a member made (after much agonizing and thinking about it), and the results of that choice

Following up on what happened had to have been very difficult for them, but follow up they did

... for all of us to learn from ...

I, (for one) appreciate it when someone bares their soul a scosche and asks questions about a choice they are considering

I really appreciate when they follow up with the consequences of that choice

That takes courage!

We all come here for our own reasons
(I'm here to ask questions / research treatment options / find out what works for other folks)

There's folks here from all walks of life
... rich / poor, young / old, male /female /other ...
There's many voices here, and I feel they should ALL be heard
... every single one!

This is a constantly evolving world, and there's times that one just has to put one's own beliefs aside, take two steps back and ask

how can i help?

... and if we can't help / don't understand where someone is coming from, it's best to keep ones opinions to ones self.

sorry i think slow and type even slower
Good post Jo-mom!

Lady Organic

Staff member
First mission and goal of Crohn's Forum is a place to find and get support among peers.
We work hard to keep this forum SAFE, authentic and welcoming for people to ask and get the support they need, on any issues.
We want to help each other, never judge anyone.
Value judgment (i.e religious/political) on any member's life, practices, situation, identity or any other personal matter is NOT tolerated in the forums.
Thanks to everyone for the support and care.


Staff member
We all deserve respect. I respect you all! This is a touchy subject and we may not always agree on everything... However, I'm not afraid to say that I deeply care about all my friends and fellow humans, gay or straight. They are all MY FRIENDS! Please be kind to one another. We have more in common than that in which we differ. Look folks, we all put our socks on one at a time. ;^) Peace!
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