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Social dilemma

Location
Finland
So I have a problem comming up. Well.. I gues its not really a problem.. I just make it to be one. (As I am sure we all do)

I have a friends bachelorette party comming up. As part of it we will be going to a cabin/house place to spend a night where there will be a sauna and a hot tub. Now the group I am going wiht is about 20 girls of who I know 3 of them. Just being in a group of people like that makes me feel stressed and small. I dont have a career or education because of my history with being sick al the time and I dread social situations where atleas for us a normal topic of small talk is your job. I dont have one. Also ½ the other girls are doctors. To be honest not sure if that makes it easier or worse.. but yeah... freaking out (again).

Now as you may have guesed the main problm is the sauna/hot tub. I was in a similar situation last summer at a different friends bachelorette party and chickened out and did not sauna with the rest of the girls. But what makes this different is we are payng (a lot) to use these facilities. And its silly to be paying for something and not make the best of it. Plus I am sure the hot tub (its actually a wood heated basin of water) would be fun.

So .. the problem. In our Finnish culture the sauna is a place you go nude. Be it public or private sauna (not usually mixed.. men and woman go seperate). So .. do I go.. do I not go... As till now I have only gone to sauna with family (my mom, my aunt and so on) and once in a group of people with crohns or family member with crohns. If I go to a public pool I skip the sauna and change in the bathrooms. I hate these type of situations... it was bad enough with just scars.. but with the bag now too. Wearing a swimsuit would be werd too...

I gues I just need help to bring up my courage to be me as I am. I wach all these young girls on you tube doing brave ostomy awarenes videos but I am not that brave. I can be me with my friends and usually thats good wnough.. but I would like to not feel les of myself in these type of situations too.
 

Nyx

Moderator
I say go for it. What's the worst that's going to happen? You may get questions, or comments, but we as Crohnies always get those so that's nothing new. Just tell everyone ahead of time that you have a bag and if you're going in naked, they're going to see it. You can always get a bag cover if you're really self conscious about it. If some of these girls are doctors, I'm sure they understand...and the rest can learn :)

Good luck with whatever you decide to do! I hope you go and have fun..
 
I agree.. go for it. I was also going to suggest a bag cover if it helps you feel less exposed with your stoma.

With a large group like that, I bet there will be a few who don't go to the sauna. You could always hang with them, unless that makes you feel on the spot to make conversation with them.
 
My mother had an ileostomy when she was 29. She's 69 now so you can imagine how things may have been in the 1970's. My family had a beach house on Newport Penninsula. I remember my mother walking out on to the beach wearing a very revealing 1 piece swim suit.... and it was a thong. At that time nobody wore thongs; especially in public. My mother was always known as "The Hot Mom" by my friends. I hated it!!!!!! Anyhow, I know as a fact that my mother was insecure but she did it and never looked back. I know it's easier said than done but you need to do what feels right for you. Don't worry about what others think.
 
Location
Finland
I am pretty sure that all will sauna. Part of our bachelorette party culture is a "bridal sauna" where they "beat out" all the spirits of the old boyfriends and make the new bride pure and so on. And I gues it really is more of wishing I would just do stuff like that and not back out because of a bag.

An other thing that really bothers me with this type of situations is what I allready mentioned about the small talk related to what you profession is. I hate it that there is no way for me to avoid not saying I am on disability and then I have to say about my crohns. Makes me feel like a loser. (And I know its not my fault I am sick, but still). This has actually been my biggest social problem for the last couple years and even makes me avoid situations where I would meet new people. I dread the moment they ask "so what do you do".
 
Location
Finland
"So what do you do?" "I take care of a dog who has IBD" That instantly makes you fascinating! :ybiggrin:
lol :lol2:
Not sure if it makes me fascinating or pathetic. :lol2::lol2: But yeah.. thats usually along the line I go. I say I am at home and care for my pets. Or the traditional "I go to school of life".
 
Just say that part of what you so involves helping people out and offering support through tough times and most of it is done from home over the Internet. Not really a lie, you do that on this forum. You could also maybe say that you want to be a writer and presently you are taking some time out for your creative juices to start flowing. Or, because its all girls try. " who me? No I'd rather hear about you!" Or " I can't tell you because it's classified!"

Sanni, just be yourself and have fun. Take a swimsuit just incase you really want to go in, but don't feel confident going naked, hell I wouldn't have felt confident even pre bag. If anyone says anything about it, tell them why, or just tell them before hand that you will be wearing a swimsuit as you feel more comfortable that way. As for dressing/ undressing, do it in a toilet stall. I think your really brave heading away with a group and stepping out of your comfort zone, so just be proud of yourself for whatever else you achieve.
Just remember that you are as interesting as any of those other girls, your a survivor and you will survive this trip because you deserve to have a nice time.
 

annawato

Moderator
Staff member
Sanni, I always have trouble with small talk too but my husband is fantastic at it. Firstly don't feel at all embarrassed that you don't work because of the crohn's. Its not something that you have control over, its just the hand life has dealt you. And it does give you something to talk about because you can tell people all about it. Secondly, it can help to think about some questions you can ask people before you go and make sure you read the newspaper for a week or so before you go so you can ask people what they think about a particular topic. Also movies and television shows and books are always good for conversation. Theres always someone in a big group who is a good talker (like my husband!) so hang near them so they do all the talking.
As for going naked, you have to do what you feel comfortable with. I think its lucky that a lot of the women are doctors as they will be very understanding. If it was me I think I would wear a waistband so that I had a little bit of privacy - in fact I think I would be more embarrassed about being overweight than I would be about my ileo. :)
I think most people would be curious but understanding about your ileo. The same as we might be if there were someone in a wheelchair or blind or whatever. We certainly wouldn't think less about them because they had a disability and I don't think anyone would think less about you just because you have an ileo.
So go along, get naked, have conversation thought of and prepared beforehand and most of all have fun!
 
Location
Finland
Following up on current news is a great idea. Thanx. Especially since just being at home I sometimes get real lazy in that. I gues I will just have to se how it goes nex week. Maybe take a small towel for a wait wrap might be good idea too.

My boyfriend sais that the world is mixed up if I dont have something to stress about.. so I gues for the next week it will be this. lol. Man these bachelorette partys seem to be getting more and more expensive.. just had to pay 100€ in advance and thats not even the full price and we pay our own foods and drinks. Bankrupsy for me. Hope its worht it. ;)
 
Sanni, do what makes you comfortable. A friend of mine once told me to hold your head high and be proud of who you are when you walk into a room. Sounds so basic, but has stuck in my head. I'm really shy and dealing with crohn's and the questions was hard at first. You are who you are and that's that. I'd like to think that a group of doctors would be the first to be understanding of what you've been through. If you're not up to it that day, then they should get it and vice versa....By the way i have a few close girlfriends getting married this year... and yessss... it IS getting expensive fast! Good luck!
 
Location
Finland
Tell me about it. I had 2 friends get married last year. That was so expensive for me. This year its only this 1.

I will let you all know how it goes. I will most likely chicken out on the sayna, but then who knows. I gues it will depend what type of people the rest are. Thanks for all the encouragements. :)
 
Location
Finland
Not yeat. Its on saturday.

This week one of my friends who is one of the brides maids and partially organising the bachelorette weekend called me to ask if I would be interesting in organising the traditional bridal sauna with an other friend of ours. There was an acward silence till I said that I dont even know if I will go to sauna and told her I was sressing about it. And thet the other friends is not a huge fan of Sauna too so she may not go either. She know about my stoma and stress of social situations, but it just did not accur to her that thats not something I would want to do. Anyways she said she would ask someone alse to. We just had a laugh about te whole thing really.

My mom was laughing about it with me saying "see.. your friends dont think of you in any way different or uncapable of joining in". So I gues I should just remember that. Ofc, I only know 3 people of the whole group so not like the rest are friends.
 
I have another idea. I hope it doesn't sound wacky. Get a long Ace bandage (skin tone) and wrap it around the area you want to conceal. Just tell the others that you had surgery and wear the bandage to protect yourself. Stupid idea? I don't know.
 
Location
Finland
I have another idea. I hope it doesn't sound wacky. Get a long Ace bandage (skin tone) and wrap it around the area you want to conceal. Just tell the others that you had surgery and wear the bandage to protect yourself. Stupid idea? I don't know.
I was considering to maybe wear a towel around my waist. That would still be "sauna apropriare" but cover up what I dont want to show around. So kind of same idea I suppose. I do have skin colour waist bands.. i suppose I could just leave on of them on too.
 
I was considering to maybe wear a towel around my waist. That would still be "sauna apropriare" but cover up what I dont want to show around. So kind of same idea I suppose. I do have skin colour waist bands.. i suppose I could just leave on of them on too.
My wife has a stoma and bag. She hasn't dealt with a sauna, but for similar situations she uses a "tube top" (I don't know if that will translate well internationally) that is elastic and sized such that it goes around her where her bag is.

Beyond that, if anyone asks what is under that, I'd answer honestly. I'm not sure, but I think people will understand, and will be just as happy not to see it.

I hope you have fun.
 
I actually have my own issues with saunas and germs so i don't do them often, that could be your excuse if you dont want to, lots of "female" issues can arise from saunas...also saw an episode on 100 ways to die that involved a sauna lol....it pulled someones intestines out....o wait...that was a jacuzzi...lol

Let me know how it goes...i'd never have the courage, maybe you can inspire me!
 
Location
Finland
So I did the sauna and the "hot tub". Everyone wore swimsuits but the changing and showers were common. When I changed only my best friends was there with me and a couple girls walked past but I was back to them so dont think they would have payd any attention. I also showerd with my friend (it was a room with 2 showers in it) and that was fine. Even she had not seen my bag before either, but I suppose it was about time she did. lol. So it all went fine. I survived and maybe have more confidence to go again. But it made it a lot easier that all wore the swimsuits. I gues it was mostly cause of the hot tubs.

So yay for me. :)
 
I'm glad it went well! this is often the case with those of us with bags, we get ourselves all worked up over certain things and they tend to be not as serious as we thought they'd be....pleasant surprises
 

ameslouise

Moderator
So glad it went well! Hope this helps build your confidence and continue to get out there and enjoy life!

- Ames
 
Location
Finland
Thanks you all. I allready just get worked up from just the idea of spending a day with 20 people I dont know. Then to add something like a sauna to it and stress levels shoot up to the roof.

But again it was so much fun and I had a great time. To be honest the most scary thing was the trip to the island where our cabin was. We were expecting to go by boat (even tho we were wondering how that would work out with the sea still being frozen. But we were taken across an a sleigh pulled with a 4-wheeler. It was so scary. They have allready given out warnings not to be on the ice anymore. Ofc the people we experts and knew what they were doing, but still. ½ of us girls were pretty pale after that ride. :)
 

annawato

Moderator
Staff member
Hi Sanni, I'm so glad it all went well. Good on you for going and showering with your friend and everything else.
That sleigh ride sounds scary, but fun - its hard to imagine anything like it from here in Australia.
 
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