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Stoma Humor - You know you have one when....

:lol2:

WARNING: This might be perceived as sick and gross. Maybe it's too soon for some? For others it might be entertaining, I hope. We are dealing with poop here.

After wearing ileostomy bags for 22 years, due to Crohn's Colitis surgery, I make my own jokes in my head. For instance: I am an expert at my digestive process, with over 20 years of samples to gather data from. He he he.

So here goes: you know you have a stoma when you are sitting in a meeting at work and gas decides to come out creating a loud growling sound from your abdominal region. (Yes, everyone turns and stares and you say excuse me with a straight face.) :yfaint:
 
It takes a sense of humor to live with the bag. I've had one now for 15 years and I could write a book about it. Some memories to share; Once I pulled into McDonalds with a Defcon 4 situation as the bag kept filling up while stuck in traffic. I was literally holding the lousy thing up with my hands to keep it from exploding its so full.

Luckily nobody was using the lone stall, a quiet audience was using the urinals when I fumbled with the clip followed by splut, splut as the bombs drop from waist level into the bowel, and the air time stank up the place in a matter of seconds, whilst the inner toilet bowl was evenly covered in brown, even I cannot stand the smell of my own and the fan is not doing its job. By then those at the urinal left in haste.
Its one of those electric flush jobs, and it isn't working. Embarrassed I had to leave my creation. I came back in 10 minutes later with another bag load only to find the janitor fixing the toilet and gasping and swearing under his breath the whole time.

Having done that job myself when I was younger, now I understand why some toilets get spattered in a manner no regular person could do given the laws of physics.

Colostomies tend to be messy affairs, for that reason I built an outhouse designed for the purpose with a hole in the floor, and it was the one home improvement project that has paid off. Despite the bag and Crohn's I am determined to live the rural lifestyle I so love.
 
Yes, this!

The first time I had this, was kind of hilarious.

I was in the middle of a change. All was quiet, and then suddenly it was a scene from the exorcist. It went all up my bathroom wall. I couldn't help but laugh........after I managed to clean it off the walls.

To be honest though, I've come away very lucky, with my stoma. I've been able to eat pretty much everything. The only things I haven't tried yet are sweet corn and mushrooms. I've tolerated even coconut!
 
You know you have a stoma, when someone passes gas in an elevator and you smugly say "Well, it wasn't me!"
Its happened to me on the plane. There are two choices available, a managed precise controlled release, or a messy breach in the containment of the bag. Its a matter of bringing down the meal tray, air off the bag and wait.... Behind me I heard the conversation between passengers, "It was not me", "Well it sure smells like you", OMG! etc. Sometimes one's just gotta do what one's gotta do. I'm surprised the authorities have not placed Stoma mates on the no fly list.

It does not always go that way, one time I had a young man sitting besides me smiling each time he farted every five minutes on a two hour flight. I'll be darned that my gut was quiet and I could not return him the favor.
 
how clever!
You know you have a stoma......when you feel wetness where it shouldn't be. especially if you've forgotten to button the bag and liquid runs down your leg.
(happened only once, in line, waiting to order food).
 
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