What should I do?

[hannah-rose]

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling really down again. I posted on the support forum a few weeks ago here http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthread.php?t=39019 when I was feeling really awful, and I did say that things were picking up but on the whole I still feel the same as I did before.

I've just spent 5 days at home over the bank holiday, and I had such a good time going out with friends (drinking too much as you do), visiting my friends in their gorgeous new flat, spent a day out in Cambridge with my best mate who lives in Norwich, and loving being with my parents and my sister.

When I was home though it was like I couldn't properly relax because I had this anxious knot in my stomach telling me I'd have to go back to work/London. When I'm home I was like, 'yep, I definitely need to move back, I really want to be here with my friends and family, ok Bedford's not great but I can get a car and easily visit my friends from Uni who live within a couple of hours drive.'

I would give my right arm for a good job in Bedford that paid enough for me to rent my own place and have my independence. I could see my friends whenever I wanted, see my family, not have to put up with the London commute and not have to pay crazy prices for rent and travel.

I tried speaking to my Mum about it saying that I felt like a failure because I should've been able to make things work in London and I just feel pathetic that I'm so depressed with my life. I think she worries that if I move back I'll still be unhappy, but at least I'll have somewhere to live that feels like home. Nothing about where I live or work now feels like home, the only way to describe how I feel when I go home for a weekend and have to come back here is to describe how I felt when I had to go to school all day for the first time and I hid under the table and cried, or when I had to go to sleepovers and I got horrendously homesick.

I really don't understand why it's so hard because I've lived away from home before, I was away at uni for three years and I loved it, I worked three summers in Cambridge at a language school and loved that, and I spent three months in Ghana after uni and although it was hard at first I had a great time and wasn't particularly home sick.

I think the difference here is that I'm just so lonely, and I feel like I'm missing out on all the fun that my friends and family are having back home. I'm sure that if I lived in a house share with friends and had a job with people that were nice I'd feel a lot better. I might still feel homesick and I might still hate the commute but I wouldn't feel lonely and like I was missing out on everything. I don't really do well on my own, I need close friends around me or I feel really lost and unhappy. I guess that's the same for everyone maybe, I'm just not very self-sufficient, and although my Mum has said I can come home every weekend if I like and she'll pay for the train fare, I still feel down and like I'm in the wrong place.

I guess I just don't really know what to do next. I can either look for a job in Bedford and move home, look for a job in Norwich and move in with my friend, look for a better job in London, or look for somewhere else to live in London. It all feels really overwhelming.

I'm having my first dose of Humira tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to the nurse coming round just so I have someone to talk to! I just hope I don't burst in to tears in front of her which is what I seem to be doing with most medical professionals recently.

I wish someone would just wave a magic wand and fix everything I feel so depressed and it's really not normal to feel so homesick and cry every time I have to come back to London. It's just so frustrating that this is where all the jobs are, and moving anywhere else really limits what work I can get, or how much money I can earn. I'm dreading work tomorrow and already feel really stressed out by it.

I've been referred to the mental health team where I live in London because I spoke with my GP about being depressed and they got me to fill out a questionnaire, and I mentioned that I self-harm by digging my fingernails into my arm until it breaks the skin. I do it because it calms me down and gives me something to focus on besides how I feel. To me this seems really logical and nothing really to worry about because even though I do sometimes think about what it would be like to not be here, I would never actually kill myself, it just seems sometimes like an option that reassures me when everything seems too much. I'm guessing this is why they referred me for counselling...

I can't believe things have turned out so badly. I remember at new year having an amazing time and I vowed 2012 would be the year for success, health and happiness, and I feel worse than I did last year. I guess that's why I'm feeling so low, at least before I had hope that if I moved away and got a better job things would be great, now I've done it and things are still awful. I'm just struggling to see the point of it all.

Everything's so messed up and I don't know what to do and even if I did know what to do, doing it will be really hard because there's a recession and there are hardly any jobs anyway. I wish I'd known how miserable I'd be coming here, and I would never have bothered

Hannahxx

 

[Amanda D]

Hi Hannah,
Sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time lately. It is great that you are seeking out help, that is a major step to making changes. Yes, it seems like your life is out of control but it isn't really. You are in control and you are making efforts to better your situation by going to counseling, taking medication and thinking about what you need. I strongly encourage you to speak with a counselor. Not sure if you ever have before, but I have and it can be quite empowering. And through this illness, it is especially important not to be too down.
Good luck with your humira shot and no worries about breaking down in front of the nurse! Hopefully she will lend you a comforting ear.
Stay strong, you have come so far

 

[Kip1]

Hi Hannah
Sorry I have not been around on the forum much. I had my surgery & because of stitches coming loose I have had to have my wound packed so been out of the loop as it were.
Well done for seeking out further help from the docs, you are taking steps to get on top of your feelings so although it seems as though life is not what you want it to be at the moment you will eventually feel better.
Why dont you try to make a plan which maybe starts with looking at your London job & base as a means to an end & say this is my stepping stone to a better life where I want to be.
Take advantage of the train fare offered spend that much needed time around those who love you.
If you think of your situation now a short term then maybe that would help. Also are there any free to attend local community groups or community schemes you could attend or help out with where you are in London?
Its a good way to make new friends & will give you something to look forward to. I know a number of my friends who have changed there employment to go into working in the community full time after only doing volunteer work for a while.
If you would like to pm me Hannah I would be more than happy to keep in touch with you during your London time when you are down.
Also dont worry about crying in front of nurses. I have done it before so you can join my club xx.:hug:

 

[PaulPhoenix]

Hi Hannah,

I can't tell you what to do but I'll tell you what I've learned from a few very rough patches of my life!

1. Don't be too hard on yourself. We're our own worst enemies! You sound like you've done really well to cope as you have. I've felt lost, lonely and uncertain in my life. But you are not your feelings.

2. We often overlook the things we have going for us. You sound like you've got friends and family who care about you. You're obviously a bright, sensitive & lovely lady too. Isn't it always the sensitive people who suffer the most?!?!

3. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Use medication if you have to but CBT helped me in the longer term.

Oh and the final one, probably the biggest thing for me:

4. There isn't always a single right answer! Just do something - if it doesn't work out, don't punish yourself. Just do something else. You can still plan and think about things, but we can't control the world around us.

Sorry if that sounds too preachy!!! Get some help, and please - be kind to yourself. Everyone tries to look successful and happy etc. think Facebook. But we're all living imperfect lives. Oh, and work isn't half as important as people are. No one lies on their death bed talking about projects the worked in etc

P

 

[copeland]

Hi Hannah,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. When I finished college in 2009, there weren't many jobs available, as companies were laying people off instead of hiring. I finally found a good job a year later, but I had to move from Florida to Ohio (about a thousand miles). I really missed my family and friends, but I eventually made some new ones and got to where I had a life again.

But, fast forward to the present, and I'm back in a terrible situation again. My job sent me to South Carolina (another 500-mile move) for the past 5 months, and I'm here at least for a few more months. I live in an extended stay hotel and nothing about it feels like any sort of home. My Crohn's has been really active the whole time, and I've been feeling very sick and depressed as well because I'm all alone here. Sometimes I wish I had something like cancer where there was at least a chance of it going away.

I know what you mean when you say that being away from home is different this time. I think it's the difference between working and being in school or on a trip. Working, at least for me, has been very different, because it seems much more permanent, and it's much more draining than school ever was for me. I wish I could find a job near either my family or close friends, but I made the mistake of going into a very specialized field, which really limits my options. I miss having people that understand me to talk to. I never really talked about my disease much with anyone, but I could at least be distracted by a good conversation about something else!

2012 was supposed to be a great year for me too. I was gonna do great in my new home in Ohio, find some nice girl to marry and settle down with, and work on being happy and productive. Looks like maybe 2013 will have to be
"my year."

Sorry I don't really have any great advice (actually seems like I could use some myself), but I wanted to let you know you're not alone.

-Dan

 

[Astra]

Hiya Hannah
big hugs your way.

If you were my daughter I'd say come home sweetie! I couldn't bear it if my daughter was so depressed, it shouldn't have to be this way at your age.
Life is too short to be unhappy in a lonesome place, so go home to your friends and family, and with their support and guidance start a new journey.
At the end of the day, it's just a job, your happiness and health is your number one priority. You're young enough to start again.
Just my take on it, I have no other advice.
Good luck xxxx

 

[hannah-rose]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the kind words.

I did cry in front of the Humira nurse and I was rubbish I couldn't do either of the shots! I'm quite scared I wont be able to do the next one and I've got no one to ask to for it for me :-S it really hurt!

Paul all that stuff is really nice I try to feel that way but I still get scared about conforming to what I think society expects which is an impressive job title and a London post code. I've always been incredibly hard on myself, I'm my own worst enemy, I know that. I care so much about what other people think. I wish I was more carefree.

Dan - wow it sounds so similar. Doesn't the recession just make life so hard, especially if you're young? It's so hard feeling like you don't have a home to go back to at the end of the day. I also find myself wishing I was much more ill than I am, just so I can go back home. I feel I should be strong enough to stick this out and I want a reason to give up. Let's make 2013 our year instead eh still a few months left you never know!

Joan - I've decided to go home. I'm scared and I know it'll be hard to find work but I think it's the right decision, at least for the next couple of years or so. Yesterday I spent the entire day trying not to cry, and I kept having really dark thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore. When I got home and called my Mum I was in absolute pieces. I can't stay here I know I can't. I know things wont be perfect back home but it'll be so much better than being here, alone, depressed, and still feeling like a failure.

Hannah x

 

[Blue]

hi hannah

yeah this disease does give everyone a lot of shit to deal with, and i feel really down sometimes, especially since i've got like no one to talk to. I guess yu just got to keep up, being unhappy will only make things worse; one thing i always stick by (i know it sounds cheesy) is seize the day. Treat everyday like its your last - don't waste any time, and just do what you want to.

I also started humira the other day, dammm it hurt lol. I can kind of relate to you tho, sometimes if my stomachs really hurting i kinda scratch my arm cos then i feel the pain there rather than my stomach.. and i also feel like i've got no one to talk to

Anyways i hope humria will work for you im always here to talk to if ya need someone

 

[hannah-rose]

hi hannah

yeah this disease does give everyone a lot of shit to deal with, and i feel really down sometimes, especially since i've got like no one to talk to. I guess yu just got to keep up, being unhappy will only make things worse; one thing i always stick by (i know it sounds cheesy) is seize the day. Treat everyday like its your last - don't waste any time, and just do what you want to.

I also started humira the other day, dammm it hurt lol. I can kind of relate to you tho, sometimes if my stomachs really hurting i kinda scratch my arm cos then i feel the pain there rather than my stomach.. and i also feel like i've got no one to talk to

Anyways i hope humria will work for you im always here to talk to if ya need someone

Hey Blue,

I think carpe diem is the way forward. Life is too short, it's just so hard to deal with all the pressure we put on ourselves. How old are you and do you work in London? Yeah it friggin hurts doesn't it, I was trying to tell my Mum how much it hurt but I don't think she quite got it. I'm like, yeah it really hurts! I was dancing round the room saying the F word a lot when the nurse was here. I really don't know how I'm gna do it myself, all my Mum keeps saying is, 'well you'll have to learn how' and I'm like... well it's like learning how to punch yourself in the face or stub your own toe! Let's hope it works and then it'll seem worth it.

 

[Blue]

lol same with me, i said F word a few times too, and thinking about doing it on my own .. makes it worse >.< I really dont want to have another one done i hate needles anyway, let alone injecting my self. Cbf with all the tablets too im on so many atm i just hope i get off all of it soon.. oh ya, and Im almost 18, going into last year of school. Hoping to go to uni next year ^^ you said you went to a languages school? what did you do at uni ?

 

[hannah-rose]

I'm guessing you still live at home then, could you ask your parents to do it for you? I want my parents to do it for me! Did you try your stomach or your leg?

What tablets are you on? I'm on just one tablet a day, 6MP. it's not too bad just people must wonder what's wrong as 6MP is a chemo drug.

I worked at a language school for three summers and i lovvved it i studied english literature at uni. i miss it, they are the best years of your life!

 

[Blue]

i could but i think, im gonna ask a doctor to do it for me everytime i need to use it. im sure you could do that too and i did it in my stomach i just looked away for as long as possible lol. Im on .. 100mg azathipprine, 3mg pentasa, iron tablets, calcium and vitamin tablets, 5mg prednisolone, and take zapain pretty much every day.

And im still trying to decide what to do at uni ^^ what uni did you go too ?

 

[Ckt]

Hannah!you sound so sweet!and I wish I could have met up with you when I passed through London this past spring. I know humira shots hurt!i take one a week and I'm a nurse!and a big baby too! so just know its not just you!
I had an appointment today with my therapist and cried..and actually felt much better..then came back to my parents house(I has an apartment and am 51..but still want mom when I feel badly!) ate,threw up and pooped my pants at the same time!!honestly!
I'm trying to hold on until the end of September when I have a consult in chicago..but having this pain makes minutes seem like days doesn't it?i had to insist to my gi doctor to change humira to cimzia as I am obviously not asymptomatic on humira anymore!why do I have to beg and demand?? I haven't a clue ur I bet I'm not the only one!
Hang in there!and pm me anytime!!cindy

 

[Kip1]

Hi Hannah
Im so glad you are going back home. I know I tried to make some sort of post about joining different groups for your stay in London as I thought that until you made up your mind what to do you would be stuck there. I though Joans post was great & if you were my daughter I would want you home with me so I could keep an eye on you.
I am so proud of you for knowing your limits & making this difficult decision to go back home.
I know how hard you have worked for your career but sometimes fate does lend a hand & who knows maybe your path in life will lead you to something that you really enjoy doing.
I know someone from an earlier post you made about 6 weeks ago suggested writing & I agree. Maybe you should give that a go, you do have a great way with words so it would be a shame to waste such a natural talent & who knows, we could be posting back to the next E L James LOL x.
Keep us posted Hannah so we know how you are doing.
Take care.

 

[hope hope]

hi everyone im sufering from crhon's desease since 2000
some time i hate my self b/c im living in the bath room
unfortentelly we do not have good hospital here that the desaster
i need so help or advice

 

[hope hope]

im still waiting for remacade but it seems they do not give it to us
i do not know what should i do

 

[Ckt]

Dear hope hope! Oh no!! Not having access to health care is awful! Is there any way you could go to France?i know it's expensive and it may not be an option for you. I was in Mauritania in the peace corps when I had to be flown home because of crohns. The only other alternative for me would have been to go to Dakar but they decided against it.
Do you have a good doctor at least? How about medicine? If you can get some anti diarrheals or pain medicine that may help you..I am so sorry for your dilemma! I do understand staying in the bathroom. I am doing the same thing and it is very discouraging. Please feel free to private message me anytime! Cindy

 

[hope hope]

yes france it has a good health care but its difficult to go to france b/c its so expensive
and even if u ask for a visa u do not obtain it

 

[Astra]

Hiya Hannah

E L James is making a million quid a week!! Do it!

I'm so happy you're going home. My daughter has just come home from a 10 week internship in London and she loved it. But did say that she was very homesick, lonely and down, and that it's hard. Any longer there she would've gone insane!
I showed Jess your post and she said 'Go home Hannah!'
Please always remember, success is not final, failure is not fatal, it's the courage to continue that counts!
good luck xxxx

 

[hannah-rose]

Hey Blue, I went to UEA in Norwich. I actually went through clearing and went there by chance but I really loved it; it's such a down to earth place with really smart but normal people. Many unis can be quite posh but luckily UEA was good without being pretentious.

Thanks Cindy that's really nice of you just goes to show that no matter our age we all need a bit of TLC especially when we feel ill!

Haha E L James!! Well at least I'd be sorted for life if I was making her money! Damn I should've spent these last few months penning a dirty novel instead of working in PR! I'm glad you all think I've made the right choice. I'm pretty scared but at least my health will. E coming first. There are job here I'll just have to be open minded about what I do.

Hey Joan, what was your daughter doing on her internship? I think I would've been ok for ten weeks, it's just thinking that this is it forever, knowing its just going to carry on and on and I felt like a failure before because i thought this was what I wanted but now I feel like one because I'm so down all the time! I have felt a lot better since last night knowing I'm definitely leaving though. Not entirely sure what I'll do next but I guess it's an adventure!

I just want my Crohn's under control first. Bit random but apparently you can't have yellow fever vaccine while on Humira which scraps any major trAvel plans for as long as I'm on it I guess can you get yellow fever in south east Asia?

 

[Astra]

Hiya Hannah

glad you're feeling a bit better!
Jess is going into her 3rd year in September at Leeds Uni, (Media studies) she had to find work experience as part of her course.
She applied to companies who deal with FMCP, fast moving consumer products. eg. UniLever, Nestle etc and secured an internship with DunnHumby in Ealing, London.
DunnHumby deal with Tesco, their products and their ClubCard. She worked in their marketing dept.
Jessica got paid £3,000 for 10 weeks work!
Hannah you'll be ok, just take each day as it comes, sign on and ask to go on training courses, they're free and might help to change direction on your journey!
good luck xxx

 

[hannah-rose]

Aw wow my friend went to Leeds uni I visited her a few times and loved it! It's a really nice student city and so cheap to live (a bit cold up north for me though). That's good her course arranges work experience, I studied English and really no one thought about what they were going to to after for a job (hence why most of us still don't know!)

And wow that she actually got paid for it! I spent so much doing my 3 month internship I don't like to think about it :-S still I learnt many valuable lessons which is the important thing.

I just need to get a job I like before Xmas really so I can move in with my best friends from home in the new year. It will be nice having some spare cash again because London is too expensive to save really. I think things will work out for the best, I'm keeping my fingers crossed I've felt so much happier since I decided to move back that I know it's the right decision.

And thank you all so much for your advice, support and guidance!

Hannah xx