Worried about mental health symptoms

Ki3

Ki3

Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Messages
316
So I'm soon to be starting counselling for social anxiety, and I am guilty to kinda being hypacondriac and self diagnosing with everything, but this time even my dad had noticed and I feel I should be tested for something.

My main problem is anger issues, and it's not that I'm always angry, or easily angered, it's kinda more leaning towards personality Dissorder because I get unusually bad mood swings. One min fine next min I'm a monster.

It's not a normal teenager thing, I get 20x angrier than any normal person, I've made my family cry, been a horrible bitch, and shut myself in my room for Days.
I also get other moods swinging about, depression, super anxious, hyper, angry, it's so weird.

Also, when on steroids I get hallucinations, and last November before my surgery I was put on steroids and I got them, but they didn't go away? They have just gradually got worse.
I nearly always see a figure run past windows or in mirrors, and very randomly, like once a month or two, I will hear voices and sometimes even feel like somebody is touching me.
The hallucinations scare me. Like real bad. I hide, I cry, I've self harmed to make them go away, it is torture and I want them to stop.
The other day I was riding my bike with my friend and as I came to the corner I heard and saw a car and instantly breaked nearly flying over my bike, and my friend nearly crashed behind me. There was nothing there, she thought I was crazy.

So the hallucinations are, for me, worse than the mood swings, but obviously my dad can't see the hallucinations so he has only picked up on my anger issues. I am worried I might have like bipolar or schizophrenia, and I feel I should ask someone about this, but bear in mind I have social anxiety and I am awful at talking to doctors so I don't know what to do.
If anyone could help me out I would be really grateful and if you want to know more leave me a question and I'll answer it! Thanks!
 
I'd like to focus on the hallucinations here, I was nearly diagnosed with schizophrenia myself and suffered with hallucinations for a year before I started therapy that helped bring them to heel. Sometimes I heard a chorus that told me how worthless I was, saw figures flitting through the corner of my vision with corresponding sounds for movement, and my least favorite, sometimes I'd feel like there was someone directly behind me and feel a deep sense of personal space violation and hear gibberish being whispered in my ear. If you ever see a GI again you start by telling them you got steroid psychosis on prednisone, they'll almost certainly prescribe Budesonide (Entocort) if your CD requires steroids again. Entocort has a powerful first pass metabolism that means only 10% to 20% ever reaches the blood stream, so systemic side effects are far rarer. Usually it goes away when dosing stops, but I think your vulnerable, scared mental state means it seeing them caused the classic psychotic feedback loop.

"Oh god I'm seeing things I must be crazy oh god"

V

Panic over the idea of being "crazy"

V

Stress makes hallucinations worse

V

GOTO 10

I want to emphasize this right now, seeing and hearing things that aren't "real" is a normal human experience. You are not insane, you are not broken, you are a person under incredible stress who is reacting to it in a normal way. Anyone who tells you "you are insane, we should stuff your face with pills" is putting you in a little box because of the terrible ideas society perpetrates about having psychotic illness. I'm not saying you don't need therapy and help, you do, but you also need to come to terms with the fact hearing voices and seeing things does not make you fundamentally broken The therapist who treats me, Ron Unger, maintains a website where he talks about his own experiences with psychotic illness and moving towards treatment. It also has a lot of good connections to communities for those with psychotic illness. He's one of the biggest experts in North America on treating psychotic illness with CBT and a respectful dialogue instead of shoving someone's face full of pills.

I'd like to emphasize this again: you are not insane, you are not alone, you are a person reacting to stress and trauma in your life. Many people with severe trauma develop psychotic symptoms and it does not mean they're insane, it means they need to confront their trauma and often, work with a respectful therapist to get through it. If you ever need to talk to someone who has gone through this you can PM me to talk here, or ask for my Steam, AIM, or Skype handle.
 
Thank you! I'm glad to hear it's not just me, and I did think it must be related to my crohns as I got them during my surgery and they stayed.

I don't really worry about being "crazy" too much, and when the hallucinations aren't bothering me (not often) I don't really think about them or worry, but it's when I'm lying in bed and see things running around my room and I feel someone next to me touching my shoulder and I can hear people screaming that I get scared, I get terrified, and it only stops if I leave the house with somebody or if I self harm. If I leave alone they follow me. The figures scare me. I always thought it sounded funny when I was a kid to see people when I heard about it but now that I'm experiencing it myself it is not fun in the least, it is terrifying, it is horrible and some nights it's so bad I don't even want to be here anymore.
 
I would definitely tell someone (a parent and a doctor) about your hallucinations. People get hallucinations for a variety of reasons (medications, physical and mental illness including depression). It's best to find out what they are about and how you can treat them. As you mentioned, they can be scary and dangerous. In addition, almost every illness (mental and physical) I know of responds to treatment better when it is diagnosed early -- the earlier the better.

Sending hugs and best wishes.
 
Thank you. It's just how I tell someone that I'm worried about. I get hot sweaty and nauseas talking to people, even my family when it's about something serious. I want to tell someone but I don't want to, do you see my problem.
 
Plans may not survive contact with the enemy but planning is invaluable, you should rehearse what you want to say, It'll help you be ready for when you do speak up.
 
Would a letter work? Sometimes this is a good way to broach a subject. An advantage is that you can be sure to say things the way you want to without fear of forgetting or being interrupted etc.
 
That's a good idea. But even just being there feels so horrible And when I'm nervous I'll lie, I never tell the truth when I'm nervous,, in my first counselling session I told her I didn't have anxiety or any problems at all.
 
Well you could write that also! :)
In my experience, the anticipation anxiety is usually worse than the actual event.
 
Honey I can totally understand the self diagnosing and second guessing.

Life can be difficult, and talking to the counsellor is a great first step. Make sure that you let them know everything so they can have the full picture - The more they know, the more they can help.(Well, with the brain anyway - Crohns is a different story!)

Also it is really important that you let someone know about the self harming, as well as the hallucinations, and make sure they listen. If they don't, tell another person, repeat. There are specific tools (that the councillor or other professionals) can give you to help with these things, but if they don't know or don't listen, they can't tell them to you.

Gather people around you who are positive and who support you. Put togther a support team with people you can call for help, or a chat, or to make you dinner, or take you out.

Be aware that anger can be a part of a process of grieving about ones own illness - and that food and vitamin/mineral defiencies can also affect your emotions and mood in significant ways. My Brother cannot eat gluten as it causes similar emotions in him. (talk to someone before you adjust your diet though) Know that you are not the only person going through this, and that things will get better.

If possible I would also talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist. These are the people at the coal face as it were - rather than the home guard - sometimes you need the big guns to start with, and to start feeling better, faster

Best of luck with your journey. You have made the first steps of asking for help and support, and remember that lots of smaller steps are easier than one or two big ones.

Last, but not least - Believe in yourself.
What you are going through is not insignificant, and you deserve assistance to change this if you want to. There are some people out there who do not understand mental illness even though they work in the industry. They can be total ****ers. Ignore them, and see someone else. Let people who you have told about your symptoms know if you have had a bad experience and they will support you through it.

Do not walk away. Good mental health is important, you deserve it, and it is worth working for.


Hugs
 
Just wondering if emailing or posting letters to your councillor would help, maybe you could take a support person. Or txting?

Maybe you could go for a walk with your councillor and talk at the same time, or even do something eg play a game of monopoly or cards and talk while you are keeping your hands and another part of your brain busy. Maybe read a magazine and talk at the same time?

Tell them your difficulties in telling the truth - they may have some tools for this too.

Some councillors have a cool wee sandpit to play in whole you talk...

Keep trying - I know its hard, but it will pay off soon.
 
Thank you all, I might think about e mailing my counsellor, I don't know her email but I'm sure I could find it. I wouldn't know what to say though, after I told her I am completely fine.
 
Ki3 - Just say to her that you find it hard to discuss face to face, and that you got anxious / nervous- nothing to be ashamed of - we all have trouble meeting strangers sometimes, and discussing our feelings too.

This will not be the first time this has happened to them:)

I think it is really positive that you are seeing this councillor, that you have recognised you have trouble discussing this with them, and that you are trying to find a solution.

Thats at least 3 more steps that I can see right there...:)

Have you let a parent and Dr know about the hallucinations and self harming yet?
It will help to have someone else on your support team.

Best wishes - you are doing really well:)
 
I've just found out my counsellor doesn't have an email. I thought everyone had an email but guess not.

No family or doctors know about any hallucinations or anything, I'm too anxious to tell anyone

. I thought an email was a good way to tell my counsellor but now she doesn't have one I don't know what to do.
 
Can you phone her and ask for an email address?
- a lot of professionals have them but don't promote them as they don't want spam from rich strangers in Nigeria trying to get money from them!

Another option would be to Txt her and ask - if you have her mobile number

Make sure you explain that you have having trouble explaining your symptoms and would feel more comfortable emailing her to start with.

If she turns out not to have an email it will not be the end of the world - there are other councillors and people that can help you.

Do your Mum or Dad or any close family have email?
That might make it easier to tell them - or you could txt them.
 
My parents have email but when I told my mum I wanted help for anxiety she took me to the doctors I was too nervous to say anything she didn't tell them what I asked then she shouted at me for not talking to her myself.

I hated it so much when I started getting hallucinations I knew I couldn't tell her. My dad's the same so is my nan and there's nobody else I can really talk to.

Yesterday I had to make a phone call, that my dad could have done for me but said I'm 13 I need to be responsible, and they asked if they had spelled the name of the road I live on correctly and they hadn't, but I was so nervous I said yep that's right, so now my order probably won't turn up...

I just hate talking, weather it's in person on the phone or video calling. I hate people.
 
Oh Honey-life will get easier I promise.

Sometimes Mum's and Dads get caught up in the day to day stuff.

They can get stressed and angry, but they still love you. They may be annoyed by what you do (My mum still gets annoyed at me for some of the things I do and I am much older than you) But they still love you and care about what happens to you.
They are probably also still trying to get used to your condition, and to having a teenager. When I was a teenager I put my Mum through a lot - (long story), and she still loves me, and helps me when I need it (and sometimes when I don't :)

I have had similar arguments with my mum before - I had terrific trouble with hormones and got really angry, and grumpy at the world and my Mum too. Mums and Dads love you unconditionally, no matter what. Though it may not seem it at the time cause they have their grumpy face on!

You will feel so much better once you tell them, and as another poster said - the anticipation of telling them is so much worse than the reality of it.

Your mum may have been anxious herself about her daughter being unwell!

I would send your mum an email or your dad - whoever is easier)
And explain as much as you can - just do a list if you want.

Maybe start with something like...

"Mum I am emailing you because I am having some trouble with life, and am having difficulty talking in person about it. I need some help with these things...
I am hallucinating about things - eg the other day when I was biking...
I am self harming...
I am having trouble with my emotions...

Please can you help me let my councillor / GP / another professional know about these things as I am having trouble talking to them about them too.

Another option would be to ask your Mum to read this thread, or to email your GP.

I think you are being very brave. No-one should have to go through this stuff, but people do every day. And they survive and lead fantastic lives. You have a lot of exciting things ahead of you, and every step you take gets you toward bigger and brighter things.

You are doing well.

Keep it up:)

Carry on with little steps - we are all behind you.

Hugs
 
Oh - I forgot to ask - What are your favourite things to do - dance, read, watch movies, sing, bike ride???
 
Thank you. I know I need to tell someone eventually, I might just plan it all out a bit more first, I'll wait until it feels right. I forgot to say next Friday im actually going to America to meet some friends, and I think it will really help, as I have hardly any friends due to social anxiety, but I'm just going with my sibling so I might wait until after that to tell my parents, or they might worry and not let me go.

I am passionate about dance. I dance 3 times a week, and at the moment it's show term (got a show in November) in dance nothing bothers me, I never see anything, hear anything, never worry or get angry. When I dance I feel I normal.
The only other things I really do is horse riding and bike riding, I'm terrible at most sports so I stick to dance and horse riding really. I can only afford to ride once every two weeks so I look foward to it all the time, and it's the same in horse riding, never get any hallucinations or worries.

I do love my bike riding, but I can tell I'm not as passionate about it as I do get he hallucinations and worries, I can't really let go as much when I'm on my bike, I don't relax as much, but I still enjoy it.
 
Yesterday was really good, spent all day on my bike then had horse riding, so had basically no symptoms at all.

Today wasn't though. Usual flash by the window, then today I had my back to the French doors to the garden and I saw someone really clearly. A blue top and greyish hair, staring directly at me behind at the left of me, I looked round at them and they were gone. I was terrified.
The past hour or so I have seen things move behind me and I keep feeling someone touch my back, like right in the middle on my spine.
 
OO dear, it really sounds like you are having a bad time of it at the moment.

As the other have suggested, it is SOO important for you to open up and tell somebody. A great idea would be for you to get your parents to read this thread.
Have you been diagnosed long? When I was first told I had crohns I also had a bad time of it with stress, anxiety and other issues.

All what you are experiencing is purely down to stress and worry which has built up over time – I can assure you there is nothing wrong with you other than you are stressed and over worrying.
The fact that you have written down your concerns is 110% proof that you are a sane, caring and great person.
I strongly recommend showing this to your mum or dad and making the effort (and it is a huge effort!!!!!) to start the process of talking with a professional. I assure you that once you do you will wish you done it ages ago.

Stay, strong and get the help you deserve.
:ghug:
 
Thank you :)

I was diagnosed January 2013, so not that recent. I don't feel like it should be shock or stress though, I've been very accepting of crohns and it doesn't bother me, I've been unwell with multiplie crohnic illness all my life so it's not something that bothers me.

I'm going to meet my best friends ever, like second family in two days, I will talk to them about it, see what they say, then tell my family.

Thank you all xx
 
Update: went to stay with my second family for three weeks and it solved everything, now I'm home again and all my mental shit is coming back. I want to be back in America getting hugs whenever I felt bad.
 
The trick is learning how to hug yourself, take it from another person whose gone through psychotic illness. It's hard but you can get there.
 
omg, you are going through it, and at that young age too! I would like to mention that some people definitely have psychotic episodes when on steroids, and I know this sounds peculiar, but apparently steroids can heighten psychic ability. Did you ever have psychic experience, Ki3?

So pleased you got a decent holiday in the US. And thank god you have this forum.
Best wishes and loads of love.
 
Thank you ^.^

Im not sure, what do you mean by psyphic ability?

Since america I have been a lot closer with my friend who has mental health issues too, I message them daily on skype, and that has been helping. I spend nearly all day in my room, as schools out, so I only ever leave the house for dance class, so my anxiety has been pretty low. I thought telling a doctor and probably having to go to counselling is all talking to people face to face, which makes my social anxietys worse and everything will go downhill. So I decided to not bother even thinking about it, although im getting hallucinations I find my own ways to deal with them and get by. The stress of thinking about telling my parents and a doctor and everything just makes everything worse.

I know its probably not the right thing to do and I should get help, but its stressing me out too much. The next time we meet american friends in real life will be like 6 months at the earliest, and they might come here, so if by then its so bad I do need to tell someone, I will probably feel more comfortable going with them instead of my parents, so I could ask them.

Thank you all
 
Ki3: I also have social anxiety and Major Depressive Disorder. I have been battling with it for a few years now. I take psychiatric medications, but JUST taking medications is not the answer. You need one-on-one counseling and a proper diagnosis. Once you have a proper diagnosis then you can be treated accordingly. I have been hospitalized more than once. I have learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I have found, that for me, being in a class, workshop or support group atmosphere works best for me ( instead of one-on-one sessions ). When I am in a support group I can meet people who are just like me. I was in a Partial Hospitalization Program last year and it was the best thing that happened to me. It was six weeks long, 5 days a week. I met so many great people there (clients....my PEERS ). I met folks who were suffering from paranoia, heard voices, saw people that were not there, drug addicts, OCD, depression, anxiety. But no matter what their diagnosis was, they were still my friends. We respected each other. The therapists and facilitators were the best. You just have to take the first step. It is not an easy thing to do. Once I accepted my illness and embraced it, I was ready to start learning how to live with it and to learn the coping skills that were necessary to maintain my daily mental health. I hope that you get headed in the right direction soon. There will be many ups and downs along the way to recovery. Don't Give Up !
 
Ki3 said:
I thought telling a doctor and probably having to go to counselling is all talking to people face to face, which makes my social anxietys worse and everything will go downhill.
Click to expand...

Exposure therapy (being exposed to the source of your anxiety) is well documented as effective therapy for anxiety disorders. I do not mean to minimize how miserable that process would be, but "talking to people face to face" may be the very best thing you could do.

How was working with your last counselor? The therapeutic relationship is really central to recovery as well, so if you aren't comfortable seeing someone, they probably aren't the right fit for you. Maybe look for a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders/CBT/exposure therapy?
 
Everything's gone up the wall. Had a big argument with dad last night and was transphobic and homophobic and this morning he tried to wake me up grabbed my arm and said "is that scratched into your arm?!"

I tried to tell him what he had said upset me but he just got angry and now I don't even know what to do.

My kidney stone which is meant to be gone is causing me a shit load of pain so I think I'm going back to the hospital today.
 
:ghug: Aw, poor you Ki3, I sincerely hope everything improves soon. I too get kidney stones a lot. On top of crohns its painful.:ghug:
 

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