I'm at a loss and so angry

I'm just beside myself. Didn't want to vent about this in the public part of the forum but I just need to get this out there. I'm so mad and sad and horrified, I just don't know what to do. People in my life have been dying lately and I hate it and I hate them for dying! And with these two I'm going to vent about, it's their own faults and that makes me furious and so sad. I'm having a hard time dealing especially with the more recent one that I just found out about today.

First it was a former co-worker who died. He died about a week ago. It wasn't totally unexpected because he had cancer for a long time. But he brought it on himself - he smoked for many years and ended up with throat cancer. He fought hard for awhile, then kind of gave up. I'm so mad at him for smoking and for never going to the doctor until his cancer was at stage 3. He could be alive now if he only took better care of himself. He was only 56.

So that was sad, but this one is worse. I went to school with this guy named Tim, he was a friend. I had a crush on him in middle school, felt bad for him when he had to go to a foster home in high school, hung out at his place all the time after high school. He was someone I trusted, when we were teenagers we would drive around all the time with our other friend, who died at age 19. When our friend died, Tim and I didn't really hang out much anymore (honestly I was closer to the other friend, but Tim was a great guy too). But I've always thought fondly of him and have kept tabs on how he was doing - last I heard, he was doing okay. But then today on facebook, Tim's sister posted that he "was killed" but didn't give much details. I was shocked, he was only my age, 33. I googled for details because I couldn't believe it and needed to know more. Well, I found this freaking article - the headline alone is horrible enough:
http://www.thenorthwestern.com/view...puties?odyssey=tab|mostpopular|text|FRONTPAGE

Pardon my french, but holy shit. This is somebody I knew - somebody I trusted? I don't even know who this person is who robbed a pharmacy, that's not the Tim I knew at all! He was a petty thug as a kid maybe, he stayed out past curfew and smoked some pot, but he was not an armed robber or someone who would shoot at police! This is just... I don't know. My emotions are all over the map but mostly I'm angry and in shock. I shed tears for my co-worker who died of cancer, but I feel like I don't want to cry for Tim the criminal, he doesn't deserve that.

I'm mostly just sorting out some of my feelings out loud here so I'm sorry if I didn't make much sense or was all over the place. Thank you for reading, if you read it all. I'm just so angry! If people in my life would make better decisions, take care of themselves, and not die, that'd be just freaking swell. I'm trying not to cry, so I'm going to go away now and try to think about something else.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down---life is like that at times, throwing too many curved balls at us.Shattering our defence system.
Can you be sure it is the person you once knew.
It is certainly a very sad state of affairs for the man, but what are the circumstances in his life that brought him to this level.
May he now rest in peace.
Hopefully you will be able to put all the sad happenings behind you in the near course of time.
It has certainly been very disturbing for you and it is good that you have expressed your feelings.
Feel better soon
Hugs and best wishes
Trysha

If you cry, it will be the person you knew as a teenager/young man not the man he become. Try to remember him as he was then.

Think of you at this difficult time.

Oh my goodness Cat...:ghug::ghug::ghug:

It is so difficult for those that are left behind to understand what drives a person to these sort of actions or the actions of those that take their own lives. It does make us angry and frustrated as it seems so preventable and senseless but these things are rarely as simple as a one off. Something has driven this man to act this way just as those that take their own lives have a depth of despair and pain that few of us experience.

We all look for answers as to why these things happen Cat and it isn't wrong to feel the way you are, it is normal, natural and just and a part of grieving, just as the tears will be and you will cry for the boy in the man that you once knew well.

I am thinking of you hun and sending loads of love and healing thoughts your way. :heart:

Dusty. xxx

sending lots of HUGS your way!

I'm sorry you have had the misfortune of experiencing so many people dying in your life at your age. Life can be really unfair at times and it doesn't make much sense. You think you know someone but they turn out to be someone totally different. I hope you can surround yourself with positive energy and people.

I'm sorry you're going through this Cat. Let us know if you need anything. *HUGS*

We never know what others are really going through. But, the fact that he had to go into foster care probably made him feel uncared for and angry. I see people like him who end up in standoff with police as pathetic, unlike the dastardly wallstreeters and bankers who slyly make off with millions or billions. There are a lot of people living on the edge, ready to snap. Society doesn't value them, so why should they value society?

I also see smokers as victims of the tabacco industry. My mother died of emphysema, after 4 decades of smoking. I miss her, but I'm not mad at her, nor do I feel it was her fault. Many people don't know how to handle stress and engage in self abuse, because it makes them feel better temporarily. It's very sad.

*hugs* I'm sorry Cat. I don't know what to say, one death is hard enough to deal with.. multiples for sure worse. Especially when it was a preventable death.
I haven't been sure what to say, I just want you to know you've been in my thoughts and heart.

:ghug: Hugs Cat. Sorry you are going through such a horrible time.

Thinking of you xxx

Hope you are doing ok, just wanted you to know I am thinking of you<3

Xo
Michele