# Our Friend Jerman



## Guest

some of you may know a little of what's been happening in Jerman's life lately... and he has asked me to post on his behalf today, to let you all know that he is in hospital, getting the right treatment he needs just now, and that he's safe.


if anyone would like to post any comments or good wishes to Jer in here, please do so, and i will make sure he knows about this thread... although i don't know when he will next get chance to log in.

i, for one, just want to say on record that i am immensely proud to be his friend, and proud of the way he has stood tall over recent days and accepted a lot of things, help included.

Jerman - you will be ok, buddy... take your time, keep fightin' the good fight, and remember your friends here will ALWAYS be here for you. ((hugs))


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## Astra

Dear Jerry

I stand proud of you today too!
When the time is right, we'll be right here for you, I'll be here
take care my friend and rest well, sending big hug your way!
love as always
Joan xxx


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## MapleLeafGirl

Jerry - I am so glad to hear that you are safe.  I have been sending you many positive thoughts and wishing you all the best.


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## Cat-a-Tonic

Jerman, you've always been kind to me in the past and I'm so happy to hear you're getting the treatment you need.  I hope for only good things for you from now on.  Come back to the forum when you are able, but please take care of yourself for now.  We are all thinking of you.


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## Pirate

Jer, you are my Brother. I hope and Pray everyday for you to be alright. If I could I'd be by your side through this and be a shoulder for you to lean on. Get well, my brother from another mother. I'll be here waiting for your return. Lov ya Bro.


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## Jer's Girl

I hope you are feeling better soon Jerman.  I'm sorry for everything you are going through and I am glad you are getting help.


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## Jeff D.

(((((HUGS)))))

I'm praying for you big man.  Take care and get better my friend.  God bless


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## DustyKat

Hey Jerman,

It's such a relief to hear that you are in a safe place and being looked after. I hope the treatment you receive leads back on the road to recovery. Sending tons of healing (((HUGS))) and (((THOUGHTS))) to you............................


:hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug:


:getwell::getwell::getwell:


Thinking of you, 
Dusty


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## Crohn's 35

Hey Jer, hang in there, this too shall pass.  If you ever have anyone to think of is your children, whom we know you adore, and they need their dad and we need you too!  I know everything is overwhelming right now but the pieces will fit to the puzzle.  Big hugs, and sending you strength!!!


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## Crohns08

Hang in there Jerman! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that treatment goes well without a hitch!


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## madasins mommy

Jerman, you are an amazing person who has helped me get through some of my toughest times with miss madasin...with your outlook and good humor. keep your head up the best you can and keep fighting this. Our thoughts and prayers are deffinatly with you. I wish you the best. madasin sends hugs.


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## Nyx

I don't know you well Jerman, but I'm sending my thoughts your way for a speedy recovery...come back to us soon


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## InkyStinky

((((hugs))))) from me, too! Jerman, I'm so glad to hear you're getting treatment - I'm praying that it kicks in quickly and brings you relief so that you can rest up and
:getwell:


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## Silvermoon

DustyKat said:


> Hey Jerman,
> 
> It's such a relief to hear that you are in a safe place and being looked after. I hope the treatment you receive leads back on the road to recovery. Sending tons of healing (((HUGS))) and (((THOUGHTS))) to you............................
> 
> 
> :hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug::ghug::hug:
> 
> 
> :getwell::getwell::getwell:
> 
> 
> Thinking of you,
> Dusty


Thank you, Dusty, for putting my thoughts in to words... "SAFE" being a big one....

You WILL make it through this, Jerry... you have to, you ARE a phoenix....

hugs...


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## merrywidow

jerry. i too have had to treatment from the hospital, from the same thing as you have. life has been seriously bad, but hopefully i have turned a corner and with the right help and listening ear you can turn that corner too.
hold my hand jerry, we can do this together.


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## ameslouise

Sending good thoughts your way, Jerman, and best wishes for speedy recovery. We hope to see you back on the boards real soon!

- Amy


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## gypsigirl28

Oh Jerry keep that head high and keep that fight going.  You are an amazing person and you have given me lots of laughs.  Get better and some rest, I am so glad that you are safe.  I have been wondering where you have been lately.  Please take care of yourself and when you are ready we will be here waiting to hear from you..
Your sense of humor is awesome and you are a very strong person.  

take care you are in my thoughts and prayers daily........
lots of love and hugs to you


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## dreamintwilight

I've been wondering where you've been lately! Sorry to hear you're still not feeling well, but glad to know you're in the hospital getting proper care.  You are one of many on the boards I continually pray for. I hope you return to us feeling so much better! Get well soon, buddy!


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## Jennjenn

Get well soon


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## BWS1982

I sent a PM to you Ger, but I will put a more direct/concise well-wish here:

You need to topple this like you've toppled everything else. That captain comeback title was under your username for a reason, and you had a phoenix (rising) in your avatar for a reason. We are all posting here, as well, for a reason. You're too good and too strong to be beaten down by this crap, so give it a haymaker and knock it on the mat!


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## Guest

i don't think Jerman has internet access right now, so any pms or posts here probably won't get answered until he's back online...

i did hear from him a few days ago that he's out of the hospital... haven't heard much since... i will keep this thread updated if i hear anything else.

Jerman - if you do get chance to read this thread - ((big hugs)) buddy - we're looking forward to seeing you back here whenever you're ready


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## Jerman

*I love you guys!*

I am baaaaaack but still not very strong (Yet). I am overwhelmed, grateful and feel very happy to be a part of this family. Each of your messages touched me so deeply that I am sitting in a cubicle at the library tying not to cry. I will come on as much as able but have many more challenges to face and am living with a friend & his family for now and he has me on a tight leash (in a good way). My stepson agressed on me once again and got his wishes I was kicked out of my home and my wife who has also been my best friend for 9 years wants a divorce. This of course also changes things in terms of visitation with my boys and I do not have my princess in my life each day which has absolutely shattered my heart. 

I am very dedicated to my outpatient treatment/counsleing and feel very fragile. But I will somehow find the strength and help to get better, and work hard on finding my smile. I got to c my princess for a few hours yesterday and it was good but bittersweet as it actually physically hurt to see her go back to her mom's home. I am not allowed in my parents home as my "dad" believes that I stress my mum (she is Ill as well) out and would not even allow me to stay for more than a half our. My friends home is small and the family has two kids and his wife & elderly mother. I am sleeping on a recliner at nite and there is simply no place for my boys to sleep. I will have to try to do dayvisits with the boys until i find work and a place to house all three. 

I also am working hard on not being an imposition as the parents are struggling with their own relationship, and I hope to be an asset not an asshead :ybiggrin:

So I am rather compulsively doing dishes and yardwork, just anything I can help with. Besides his family, you are all of the family i have left. 

This is all I can handle writing for now as I am flaring & getting very anxious at the moment. Thank you all for your kindness and loyalty you are truly a special group of peeps. 

Somehow through this hell I will fight my best fight to rise from the ashes again. Will work towards being strong and proud again. I will also respond to each of your posts individually but just can't handle it right at the moment.
Thanks for helping me to stand and hold my head just a lil higher today.


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## Crohn's 35

:hang: WE know you can do this and gather the strength you need so your kids will be proud and happy to see you!  Takes time, and all wound heal.  Hold your head up high and go forward, because nothing in the past can be changed.  ((hugs))


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## merrywidow

jerry, you helped when i desperatly needed it. if you need anything and i mean ANYTHING you know where i am.  just shout and i will hear you.


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## dreamintwilight

Jerman -  I'm sorry to hear the latest turn of events regarding your family. I really hope, in the least, you can see your children on a regular basis. I do not know what it feels like to be in your position, but can imagine it must be confusing and overwhelming. I'm just glad you are in a safe place where you are being looked after and given opportunity to help out around the house.

Still praying for you! Sending all the strength and positivity your way. I know you will get through this


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## MisB

Jerman, I really don't know what to say, other than just hang in there.  During the last couple of months at my worst times, you posted some words of encourgement that really helped me.  I am not quite so poetically versed, but want you to know that my prayers and thoughts are with you.  It's hard enough battling this crazy disease without having all the extra drama that life throws at us.  I wish there were something I could do.  Hang in there and just remember, everything happens for a reason and you will come through this even better when you get to the other side.
:getwell:


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## Guest

Jer - you are one amazing guy - and despite you probably feeling very little and bewildered in this big world of chaos and upset right now, you're bigger and stronger than a lot of people i know - and i totally look up to you. i know you will get there buddy, you have three wonderful little reasons to do so, and also your family here needs you.

take your time, be kind to yourself, and come in when you feel like it - we'll always be here for you.


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## bushydougie

I am so sorry to hear about everything that you are having to deal with at the moment Jerman. As if being ill isn't enough!!!
I am sure that you will find a way to solve the many issues you are having to deal with now and I wish you the very best for the future.
Take care of yourself. You need to keep strong

Sam


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## ChefShazzy

Hey, Jerman, I just caught up on this thread...  I didn't realize how rough it has been for you lately.  I hope things turn around for you soon.  Sounds like you are on the right track...  it's just going to take some time.  We are all here if you need us.  All my best to you.


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## Dallies

Hiya Jerman, thinking about you love and wishing you all the very best.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Astra

Dear Jerry

I am so happy to hear from you at last, been very worried, couldn't make contact with the AIM!
I am also very proud of you, and always remember, that you will always be their father, forever! No-one will ever take that away from you, never!
I don't know what to say about the broken relationship, it's sad, yes, but I've been through it, and it takes a long time to heal. and this is what you have to do, take your time, and time is a great healer.
take care my pal, and I'm always here
xxxx


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## Jeff D.

Hey man, I'm glad to see you back on.  I'm still praying for you big buddy.  You are awesome!  

Jeff


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## gypsigirl28

hi Jer  
You can do this we all have faith in you.  Hold your head high and stand proud, you are a very strong person and have been there for all of us at our time of need and support.  I am here for you as everyone else is too.  update us when you can.. take care
you are in my thoughts and prayers.   I know you are trying hard to make a smile.. i also know you are the best at smiling and making others smile as well.


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## D Bergy

Hang in there Jerry.

It really has been tough for you, and I don't know how you cope with it all, but I admire your strength in the face of adversity.

Take it one day at a time, and one minute at a time if you have to.  That is the only way to get through tough times.

Dan


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## Pirate

I'm with ya in spirit Bro. Been down a hard road myself and it will come together because you are strong. 
Like everyone has said. You are a strong person and we will be here to help you every step of the way.


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## Jerman

*Thank You*

I walked into the library today feeling very sad anxious & alone. Hands shaking voice quivering (maybe not a good move right after counseling huh?). My thought process with the added anxiety feels like the tv snipet when they pick winning numbers out of the lottery ball machine. except the the ball is the inside of my  head, thoughts racing (big head to begin with  ) and then I sat down and read your posts. 

I am just in awe of all of you! The kindness & sincerity (sp) that i have just read is absolutely mind blowing. Thanks to you I feel a little less like Atlas and a bit more like Jer. Even if it lasts for five minutes you have given me a gift of some strength and hope that i may never be able to describe or match. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

I may never leave this forum as I will learn again to stand strong and proud and work to repay the love and loyalty you have shown me. :worthy::worthy::worthy:


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## Jeff D.

Jer, you are awesome my friend!  I'm praying for you and you will get through this.  I know you will.  You are strong!


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## Astra

Yeah Jerry!
you're gonna do this, and we'll be right here holding you up!
Keep reading your siggy, it speaks volumes!
stay strong phoenix!
xxxxxxx


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## girlygirl

Hi Jerman,
Just wanted to send some love and hugs your way! In the road of life we all have speedbumps which we must get over.. however, when we overcome our obstacles we build on to our already wonderful character, and sometimes see what was once blind. Life doesn't always make sense. But what does make sense is the people that are placed into our lives, for a lifetime, or even a season. God is a good God, please keep your faith and know you're thought of today.  ((BIG HUGS))
As everyone else has said.. You are strong, and valued!  Hope u will consider me a friend as well!


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## Guest

Jerman said:


> I may never leave this forum as I will learn again to stand strong and proud and work to repay the love and loyalty you have shown me. :worthy::worthy::worthy:


you don't have permission to leave this forum, for any reason, young man  time off - fine. leaving - no way mate. sorry, but you're just too important a part of this family... i guess you're stuck with us  xxx


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## Nyx

It was good to hear from you Jerman...sorry to hear about all your family troubles though.  As others have said,  you'll get through this and be stronger in the end for yourself and your kids.  "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger".  Take care of you!


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## Crohn's 35

:hang: Jer, you can do this, we know you can!  It is amazing how strong we become when we face ourselves, picking ourselves up and keep on trying!!  Big hugs to ya!!!


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## InkyStinky

Hey Jerman - sooooo very glad to hear that you're hanging in there!!!!! I'm praying for you. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))


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## gypsigirl28

Hi Jerman.  I would hope you would never leave us, it would be a missing link to the family.... We would miss all those comments that make us chuckle when we need a pick me up.  It will take time for you to get all things straight in your head, But I know you can do this.  If anyone can it would be you!!! take care and keep on getting better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers


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## merrywidow

Jerman said:


> I may never leave this forum as I will learn again to stand strong and proud and work to repay the love and loyalty you have shown me. :worthy::worthy::worthy:


 as ding says, leaving is not allowed. 

keep your chin up, but keep the noise down as your in a library!!! you dont want to get thrown outta of there do you.


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## Jer's Girl

Hey Jer,
Just wanted to say that I am a 27 year old woman and to this day I believe that the only reason that I turned out as good as I did (if I do say so myself) is because of the love and guidance of my father.  My mother took us away from him and moved us across the country when I was 7.  She did her best to poison us against him and keep us apart, but we stayed close in spite of her.  We lived a world apart and only got to see him in the summers, but I lived for those summers.  My daddy called me every Sunday of my whole childhood.  He saw me whenever he could and it was clear that he loved the time we had together as much as I did.  I never doubted that he loved me and that he was proud of me even when I wasn’t able to love or be proud of myself.  

I won’t give too much detail so as to not make anyone uncomfortable but my mother who was my primary care giver abused me and let others abuse me.  My childhood was far from ideal.  I think that a lot of people who went through what I went through would have given up, and from time to time I thought about it.  What honestly made me want to keep going and make myself into the best person I could be truly was the knowledge that my dad was out there loving me.  Knowing that made me want to keep going and try to make him proud.  Every good thing that I have, I have in part because of my dad’s love and support.

I don’t know what your situation with your children is exactly, but know that having you in their lives will affect the people that they become greatly.  Even if you do not see them every day, knowing that you are out there caring about them is the most important gift you can give them.  

I hope you are well tonight.  Sometimes when things are hard for too long we forget that good things will happen to us again.  It may take longer than you think you can stand, but things will get better if you just keep trying.


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## dreamintwilight

That was beautiful, Nicole  Thanks for sharing!


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## Jerman

*Hope?*

I have a job interview tomm. working with kids with special needs. I am worried a bit about pain level/stamina but feel that this opportunity may help to keep the depression and anxiety dragons at bay, or maybe fade away. Please say a prayer, speak to the universe or cross whatever body parts you can without discomfort. :ycool: 

I am truly hoping this is the beginning of at least some new and better times. I am working very hard at getting better new meds, counseling, and seem to have found my sense of hope with getting this interview. (((((((Big ole jerman hugs to you all))))))))) Thank you my friends.

BTW, that was beautiful Nichole very well put, thank you.


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## MapleLeafGirl

Good luck Jerry.  I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!


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## girlygirl

Good Luck Jer!!
Sending prayers your way!!! Sounds like a great opportunity!
PS, the other day I watched a DVD called Mastering the Art of Observation, by Dr. Dispenza (i think).. he talks about how our thoughts effect our lives, and bodies. When we think a certain way our body produces the chemicals that react to the emotion, etc. So, the more u think one way the more chemical is automatically produced.. The more focused u learn to become on the right things the brain makes new neurotransmitic connections in the frontal lobe.  Also changing the way our bodies produce chemicals in reaction to our thoughts.. so in retrospect really mind over matter.. and matter ultimately becoming what we envision ourselves to be.. :ycool: Just wanted to share.. and maybe bring some hope and positive thoughts your way. 

Sorry for the long post.. lol.. I'm rambling.. not sure if I said it quite right.. but i hope it made sense.. just thought it was kinda neat.


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## beth

Good luck with the interview Jerman! Don't worry about it, relax and be yourself...


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## Jer's Girl

Good luck Jerman!  I really hope that you get this job, but if you don’t, don’t let it get you too down.  Remember that a lot of us Crohnies have a really hard time finding and keeping jobs and you wouldn’t judge one of us or think that it defined us so don’t be too hard on yourself either.  

Good luck, good luck, good luck, good luck!  We are all rooting for you!


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## Crohn's 35

Go Jer!!!!!!!!!  I will break my own rule (think Positive) and look like they need you not you need them!!  This could be your niche!!:wink:


:goodluck:


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## gypsigirl28

Awesome News Jer,,,,, I am praying for you as hard as one can Pray.  GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!


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## DustyKat

Hey Jerman,

This is so wonderful to hear. If this is something that you feel is your place in life, and personally I feel that many jobs can only truly be done by a special type of person, then it may very well go a long way to not only alleviating your depression and anxiety but your pain as well. I believe you are one of those special people Jerman. I wish you all the luck in the world in your quest and I hope and pray that your dreams come true.

:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:

Thinking about you,
Dusty


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## Astra

The very best of luck to you Jerry!
You've worked with these kids before so really sell yourself, be yourself and they will love you!
I don't pray, but I'll speak to Yoda!! lol
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## Guest

i have all my body parts crossed for you, Jer - it's a bit uncomfortable so please get to the interview on time, and let us know how it goes as soon as you can, so i can untangle myself 

you know i wish you all the luck in the world, not just for the interview, but for all the big & small challenges ahead of you - just relax tomorrow, try to enjoy the experience rather than see it as something stressful, and whatever the outcome, just by going for it you will have achieved a lot. baby steps, buddy


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## seaofdreams

Best of luck with your interview! It sounds like an amazingly rewarding job


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## Pirate

Jer not only will I wish you good luck, but I'll be with you tomorrow in spirit. I'll be on your right shoulder Bro. I'll be there just for you so go get'em. I believe in you, Bro.


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## Jerman

Thank you Kelly, girlygirl, beth, Jer's girl, Pen, gyspigirl28, dustykat, Joanie, Suz,Sea of Dreams & Greg. I was a bit of an anxious mess before the appointment yesterday but calmed myself by looking back at times in my life which have been more difficult than this. I do that not to be self depracating (?sp) but to use as more of a pathmark to remind me that I made it through that so I will do so through "this" as well. 

I am pretty sure I nailed the interview and am very intrigued by the program and its opportunities. Just to keep the house of cards that is me, for now, standing, i am deluging the area with my resume. Thanks so much for the prayers & crossed body parts :ywow:

It most definately helped as i had a bit of my swagger (as my son calls it) as i walked up to the appointment from the car yesterday. I cleaned up pretty good and felt comfortable with everyone i met. Either way it is a first step and is significantly better than where I was standing just a few weeks ago.

Greg thanks for standing on the shoulder bud I very much appreciate the support, had to giggle a bit though as I had a flash of the old Belushi movie animal house go through my mind. So thanks for the smile as well. 

Thanks as always to all of you, you are making the comeback more and more possible by your loyalty and belief in me. I am humbled but proud to be a part of this amazing group of people. :redface:


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## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer, I am so glad to hear that your interview went well.  I will pray that you land the job!!!!! I am also happy that you are standing tall and moving forward, keep up the good work. I for one am very proud of you and I know you have the strength to keep moving.

You are in my thoughts and prayers always


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## merrywidow

glad it went ok jerry.


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## Guest

way to go 

i really hope you get the job, Jer - i think it would be fab for you - and you'd be fab for it!

you're doing well, buddy, keep trucking. xxx


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## MapleLeafGirl

Good news Jerry!  Keep us posted and know that we are always behind you cheering you on!!!


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## Crohn's 35

Jerman said:


> Thank you Kelly, girlygirl, beth, Jer's girl, Pen, gyspigirl28, dustykat, Joanie, Suz,Sea of Dreams & Greg. I was a bit of an anxious mess before the appointment yesterday but calmed myself by looking back at times in my life which have been more difficult than this. I do that not to be self depracating (?sp) but to use as more of a pathmark to remind me that I made it through that so I will do so through "this" as well.
> 
> I am pretty sure I nailed the interview and am very intrigued by the program and its opportunities. Just to keep the house of cards that is me, for now, standing, i am deluging the area with my resume. Thanks so much for the prayers & crossed body parts :ywow:
> 
> It most definately helped as i had a bit of my swagger (as my son calls it) as i walked up to the appointment from the car yesterday. I cleaned up pretty good and felt comfortable with everyone i met. Either way it is a first step and is significantly better than where I was standing just a few weeks ago.
> 
> Greg thanks for standing on the shoulder bud I very much appreciate the support, had to giggle a bit though as I had a flash of the old Belushi movie animal house go through my mind. So thanks for the smile as well.
> 
> Thanks as always to all of you, you are making the comeback more and more possible by your loyalty and belief in me. I am humbled but proud to be a part of this amazing group of people. :redface:


Hey Jer, looks like the clouds are making way for the sunshine back in your life.. baby steps and we are right behind you all the way! :wink:


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## DustyKat

Oh Jerman I am so happy that the interview went well for you. Onward and upward buddy. :mademyday:

Thinking about you, 
Dusty


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## beth

Kewl! that's half the battle. A good interview, tho, a job does not make.... If you don't get it you've had a practice interview, you can do another. 
Cracking!


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## girlygirl

Woo Whoo!!! Good Job!!


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## Jer's Girl

Good job and good luck!


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## Jerman

Thank you all, since the first one I have been called by two additional department heads about working in their separate programs, looks like I may actually have some cool choices to make. Amazing what a little hope and getting a bit of my swagger back (along with med tweaks, counseling & my crohnies) has done for me. I've got one today at 11:00 and do not feel nervous at all. Thanks as always for your amazing support. ((((hugs of gratitude from Jerman)))) Finally really starting to feel like ME again. You are just an amazing group of people. will keep you posted.

Jer


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## My Butt Hurts

Jerman said:


> Finally really starting to feel like ME again.


You're starting to sound like you again too.  I can hear a huge difference in your recent posts.
Glad things are looking up for you!


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## Jerman

Thank you, much appreciated. I am not really a big fan of the Grateful Dead but "What a long strange trip it's been." really sums up this little life detour. Hope you are doing well too.

Jer


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## Guest2

WOW!  You have been going through a hell of alot of changes too!
WOW!  What a great support system you all have been!

Jerman,  I am so happy things turned around for you.  This thread has made me smile.  I am so glad I have returned!!!


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## gypsigirl28

AWESOME AWESOME NEWS Jer..... I am so glad to read that you are feeling better and you have another interview today. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! update us on how it went.  I am roooooootttttting for you!!!!!! 
You have come a long way, I am proud of you! Keep up the great work....

You are in my thoughts and prayers like always

hugs to you


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## Nancy Lee

WAY TO GO !!!  
This is such wonderful positive news!!
Keep on keepin' on!!

Happy Hugs~Nancy


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## MapleLeafGirl

Great news Jerry!!!


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## Jerman

Pyoderma Gangrenosum said:


> WOW!  You have been going through a hell of alot of changes too!
> WOW!  What a great support system you all have been!
> 
> Jerman,  I am so happy things turned around for you.  This thread has made me smile.  I am so glad I have returned!!!


Yes this family has been a tremendous source of support and I am thankful for them each and every day! Glad to see you guys back as well how have you both been?


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## Jerman

gypsigirl28 said:


> AWESOME AWESOME NEWS Jer..... I am so glad to read that you are feeling better and you have another interview today. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! update us on how it went.  I am roooooootttttting for you!!!!!!
> You have come a long way, I am proud of you! Keep up the great work....
> 
> You are in my thoughts and prayers like always
> 
> hugs to you


Thanks Rosemary please keep the prayers coming all of the positive thoughts, prayers and energy from here has definately helped the sun to start to shine through. I have a lot of catching up to do on here but let me say my thoughts and prayers are with you three as well each day. 

Jer


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## Jerman

Thanks Nancy and Kelly it feels so good to be bouncing back.


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## Jerman

Merry, Ding, Pen, beth, GirlyG, Jer's girl- Thanks for all of the support had a fantastic interview today and am going back yet again tomorrow  for a 3rd department head int. they are just tryingto fit me in any way they can. will let you all know tomm. many thanks again!


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## beth

Kewl! well done you!


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## gypsigirl28

AWESOME AWESOME GRRRRRRRRREAT NEWS!!!! Wishing you the best of LUCK tomorrow as well.  I sure hope you get the job, You would be great at it......

Thinking of you!!! keeping you in my thoughts and prayers daily..,....


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## kello82

good job. you are stronger than you even know.

will send you a message soon, sorry for the lapse in replies


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## Jeff D.

I'm sorry I've missed your progress.  I'll be praying you get one of these jobs and not just that but that they fit well with your life.  You are so awesome man and an inspiration!  Take care my friend


----------



## Guest

Jerman said:


> Merry, Ding, Pen, beth, GirlyG, Jer's girl- Thanks for all of the support had a fantastic interview today and am going back yet again tomorrow  for a 3rd department head int. they are just tryingto fit me in any way they can. will let you all know tomm. many thanks again!


 

i can hear you smiling from here! 

great to hear you sounding so positive, Jer - it warms my heart to know my cyber-bruv is getting there 

:goodluck:


----------



## merrywidow

well? any news? its like be a expectant dad, even though i havent experiacne that!!   i want to hear some good news jerry


----------



## bushydougie

Am so glad to hear that you are having some good luck at last. Am wishing you all the luck in the world!!!!!!
You must be feeling great 
Having just gone back to work after 8 months off I know how good it is to be back working even though it is mightily tough on my body it is doing wonders for my confidence and brain 
x


----------



## dreamintwilight

I haven't been on the forum in a while and I return to GREAT news! SO glad things seem to be looking up for you!  You deserve it!


----------



## BWS1982

You've got this nailed down, Jerry!! :thumleft:


----------



## Astra

Fingers crossed for your 3rd Jerry!
Best of British to ya!
xxxx


----------



## Jerman

Hello my friends, I have an interview on Friday with two more people in two more departments that will fill my week with a 40 hour position. I am fairly certain that i have it locked up and am trying to focus upon the fact that this is a really good move. It is hard to depend upon friends for support and room and board in terms of pride but I am very grateful for their support and pledge my loyalty and love to them forever. I am anxious to get to work and to start to contribute towards the big picture:mortgage,bills, etc...

I am struggling a bit with the relationship/marriage side of things as I had my three babes over the weekend for nearly two full days. Went to bring my daughter home (3rd wife 3rd child plz dont judge) with my two boys and drop the princess to her mom who was two sad to see my boys. This was tough for me as I know she is struggling with pain and emotional issues and was hard as well in terms of having to pull in the driveway with the boys in the car to see the home that used to be theirs. 

I am not sure how to handle this but told the boys that we would be strong and ok (through a choked up voice) no matter what life had in store for us. It was a bit sad as we were all trying to talk above/around weezy so that she didn't have to feel the pain we were all feeling. she spontaneously broke into a repetitive chorus of "See ya tomorrow love you be back soon."  We were all
ok till this point then struggled with the magnitude of her words and the irony. 

On the upside of things my son is the starting defensive tackle and captain of his freshman football team which is now 3-0. He is a tremendous human being who will make his mark on this world in ways I can not even imagine at this point. 

I continue to feel the pain of my potentially failed marriage and the grief  that will accompany it but am saddeneed by the loss of the relationships between my boys and my wife that will be terminated but likely undaddressed.

really good weekend overall but painfull to see my wife with knowing that things are not headed in a positive direction.


----------



## DustyKat

Oh wow Jerman such mixed emotions, that is really hard.

Congratulations on the job, it is so wonderful to hear and also to your son on his remarkable achievements. You must be a very proud father and deservedly so. 

I am sorry to read about your personal relationships and can only extend my thoughts and prayers to you that you will overcome the pain and sorrow soon and move onto the the life you deserve. One that brings you peace, happiness and contentment. 

Take care Jerman, :hug::hug::hug:
Dusty


----------



## MapleLeafGirl

Jerry - So sorry to hear of the struggle you are going through.  I just can't imagine how you must feel.  

I am happy to hear that the job situation is looking good.  I think that will help you in more ways than one.  

Thinking of you as always!


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Kelly & Dustykat. I am truly doing the best that I can to remain as positive as I am able. I never really asked for a whole lot out of life but to be happy and to be loved. I am loved a great deal by my children and am so very proud of the three of them. The heartache that I am feeling is magnified by their sadness and the gut wrenching certainty that I will not be going home. Flaring a bit today as expected i guess but really doing the best that i can.


----------



## Crohn's 35

Hey Jerman, wonderful news that you got to spend some quality time with the kids.  Dont worry no one will judge you, I have been married 3 times but only one child.  I know about having relationship break ups and trust me it will get better with time.  It always does.  Best thing you have going for you and when (not if) you get this job, you will be too busy and self gratification is good for you and builds your confidence. Sometimes we have to sink to the bottom...so we can see the light and have a better future.  Hang in there, you will get through all this and see the past as a learning experience, not a mistake.  Let us know when you get the job!!


----------



## Jerman

beth, Rosemary, Kello82, Jeff D., Ding, Sharon, Sam, Marisa, Benson, & Joan-

Thanks for the recent well wishes for the job am going this Friday and should have things locked up after that I hope. Sorry for the delay in replying no rudeness intended at all- still have my spaceshot moments. Please know that I am grateful for your friendships and kindness/guidance you are a tremendous group!


----------



## Jerman

Pen said:


> Hey Jerman, wonderful news that you got to spend some quality time with the kids.  Dont worry no one will judge you, I have been married 3 times but only one child.  I know about having relationship break ups and trust me it will get better with time.  It always does.  Best thing you have going for you and when (not if) you get this job, you will be too busy and self gratification is good for you and builds your confidence. Sometimes we have to sink to the bottom...so we can see the light and have a better future.  Hang in there, you will get through all this and see the past as a learning experience, not a mistake.  Let us know when you get the job!!


Pen, you are an amazing lady! you have know idea how much I needed to hear this today. Thank you my friend.


----------



## Guest

Jer - you're on a journey of facing a whole new load of 'firsts' - first time your boys don't get to go in your previous home, there'll soon be a first christmas in these new circumstances - it's so hard, it's not much different from 'first milestones' after a loved one has died, it's still grief, and it's still painful.... but having personally gone through both a divorce and loss in both ways, each 'first' you get through gives you strength and courage to get through everything else that comes your way.... it is not easy at the beginning, but buddy you are doing amazingly, and you are very much loved and needed.

the best advice i can give you is - be kind to yourself. don't expect too much, don't despair if you have a down day, or your stomach kicks off - it's normal, you're adjusting... but you're getting there, and that's the main thing.

and - you have us - we are behind you bud. xx


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Suz, I seem to be having a really tough one today. I am going to a few doc appts today, but am having one of those want to stay in bed days. Not going to, am up & showered but am shaking all through my whole body. I am just a bag of nerves, appts are for two and three pm, going to store ahead of time to try to pull myself out of this funk.


----------



## dreamintwilight

You can do it, JER! I have so much faith in you  If your children see as much strength in their father as many of us on this board have seen, you have nothing to worry about. I will be praying for/thinking about you this Friday. Can't wait to give you a great big WAHOO! 

As far as what you said about the loss of relationships for your children not being addressed - have you thought about bringing them with you to one of your counseling sessions? Maybe bring it up with your counselor to see what they say/think about it. Could be good for the little ones to express how they feel in a safe and accepting environment


----------



## Pirate

Jer, is it okay if I judge you? Going to anyway, bro.

Your a human being that has ups and downs like anyone else. So your's are a bit rougher bumps than some others. Doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that. Just makes you human like me and everyone here. It makes you a friend that needs a sholder and a hand once in a while and I have both available at any time for you.
 Great news with the job, buddy. Hope it works out and you can start getting back up on your feet again. Remember, I'm holding out my hand to ya when ever you need it.
 Good for your son on the football. My boys are all sports nuts and loved playing high school ball.
 Keep your chin up, bro.


----------



## Jerman

dreamintwilight said:


> You can do it, JER! I have so much faith in you  If your children see as much strength in their father as many of us on this board have seen, you have nothing to worry about. I will be praying for/thinking about you this Friday. Can't wait to give you a great big WAHOO!
> 
> As far as what you said about the loss of relationships for your children not being addressed - have you thought about bringing them with you to one of your counseling sessions? Maybe bring it up with your counselor to see what they say/think about it. Could be good for the little ones to express how they feel in a safe and accepting environment


Thank you, great suggestion, thankfully we have the relationships and i have the skills to do some of the counseling and conversations we need to ourselves. It has been tough but I will become who i need to in order to be the dad i need to be. :thumright:


----------



## Jerman

Pirate said:


> Jer, is it okay if I judge you? Going to anyway, bro.
> 
> Your a human being that has ups and downs like anyone else. So your's are a bit rougher bumps than some others. Doesn't make you a bad person or anything like that. Just makes you human like me and everyone here. It makes you a friend that needs a sholder and a hand once in a while and I have both available at any time for you.
> Great news with the job, buddy. Hope it works out and you can start getting back up on your feet again. Remember, I'm holding out my hand to ya when ever you need it.
> Good for your son on the football. My boys are all sports nuts and loved playing high school ball.
> Keep your chin up, bro.


Thanks Greg, holding out my hand with pride to be pulled up a bit further. You are a very caring person and I appreciate your offer and thank you for your friendship.


----------



## Pirate

Your very welcome, Jer. This is what friends are for. Even though we're cyber friends and have never met doesn't mean that our words can't be as strong as our physical presents.


----------



## ameslouise

Just wanted to chime in and say that I think you are being amazingly strong and positive about things, even though you have your moments and there will be a lot more of those to come. You seem to be really in touch with your feelings and don't mind letting it all hang out - that's good! We're here for you - you can't keep it all bottled up inside.

It will be a long road, but we'll be here every step of the way for you!

- Amy


----------



## merrywidow

hows it going jerry?


----------



## Jerman

Today is the day, I have my interview @ 1pm. Will let you all know how it goes, should know today if i am hired. thank you all for your support!


----------



## Crohn's 35

Hey Jer, good luck!! But dont worry cause you wont need luck, I am betting you got the job!!! Please let us know one way or the other.  Hugs.


----------



## DustyKat

Hi Jerry, 

:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:

Thinking about you, 
Dusty


----------



## Guest

all the best for today, buddy!  xxx


----------



## girlygirl

Good Luck!! keeping fingers crossed for you! Sure U will do just great!!


----------



## whoami24601

I don't know you, but I know what you are going through.  We all hope that you are recovering quickly!!  I can't wait to meet you!


----------



## gypsigirl28

hi jer,  Good luck... Waiting to hear!!!! i hope it is good news... We need good news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Crohn's 35

Jerman said:


> Today is the day, I have my interview @ 1pm. Will let you all know how it goes, should know today if i am hired. thank you all for your support!


**Pen crosses her arms and taps one foot*  ok, we are waiting it is waaay past 1pm.  Let us know the suspense is killing me. :smile:


----------



## dreamintwilight

I've been wondering myself!!


----------



## Jerman

Hey my friends, one more interview on tuesday in the Vocational department, i will definitely have a positive answer by late afternoon. thanks for all of the support i love you guys!


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer...  Good luck on Tuesday with interview!!!! you are in our thoughts and prayers daily... Will be waiting to hear how it goes!!!!

love and hugs to you my dear friend......


----------



## Jeff D.

Good luck on the interview Jerman!  I'll be praying for you to get the job!


----------



## Astra

Good Luck Jerry old pal!
You're gonna do this, piece of cake! You've got it nailed!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## bushydougie

All the very best!!!! Am sure you'll wow them! Will be thinking of you on Tuesday and look forward to hearing how it all went. Take care x


----------



## girlygirl

Woo Hoo!! You go BOY!! Show em how its done!!:headbang:

Best Wishes! And Best of Luck!! And Smile.. :ybiggrin: You've got this one!


----------



## Jerman

Gyspsigirl, Jeff D., Astra101, bushydougie, girlygirl,

Thank you so much for the support, prayers, and kind thoughts- I love you guys! I am hoping with all my heart that Tuesday is the day that we bang out some numbers and that I can start soon. Thanks again to my cyber family, will keep you all posted.


----------



## Jerman

Pirate, Ameslouise, Merry, Pen. Dusty, Gypsigirl, Jeff D. Astra101, bushydougie, girlygirl, Ding, whoami24601, pen, Marisa,

Thanks as always for the support, their have been many days when you all and your kindness has helped me to hold it together. I am working really hard to become the Jerman that I want to be. Please know that I am here for you as well as you have been for me. 

Nice to meet you whoami24601, welcome to the forum family, this is a wonderful place for support and advice as well to meet amazing people that can end up being truly quality cyber pals.:thumright:


----------



## Jerman

Hiya Cyberfamily, met with VP today and yet another position for director of work services has opened up. kinda far but gonna go for it, anybody recommend a good cheap GPS? I have second interviews and interviews with the people served as well as one with the CEO of the whole place in the wings....trying to be patient really want to get back to work...


----------



## girlygirl

Wishing you the Best of Luck!! Keep up that great momentum!!! It will pay off for sure!


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## Guest2

Sending good thoughts your way.  You deserve happiness.


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## dreamintwilight

Patience is key! you are right, Jer  I was patient and I finally found a job. You can do it! All your waiting will pay off in the end when you get the perfect job. Good luck!


----------



## MapleLeafGirl

I agree Jer - It will all work out, I am sure.  Good luck!!

P.S. I know absolutely nothing about GPS devices, sorry!


----------



## Nancy Lee

Hope all goes well for you Jerry!
Sending positive vibes your way.

Just got my hubby a TomTom GPS...he loves it.


----------



## beth

Aye the waiting sucks. Good luck with all the interviews. When we wanted an in-car GPS we got a cheap TomTom. Brilliant thing, Paul put the Yoda voice on it which really made it.


----------



## Pirate

Jer, show'em your stuff, buddy. You are getting stronger every time you post. We can see it in your words. Got Faith in ya bro.

How ya like my profile pix


----------



## rottengut91

We have one of those portable GPS things...my son calls her Gwen.  Well Gwen needs some updating.  She's not up on all the new construction going on sometimes, the B**CH
gets me lost all the time.


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## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer,,,, Good luck and stay positive... They will love you and the more interviews the better.  They must like you to have you keep coming back. If they were not planning to hire you they would not have had you come back so many times.  I am thinking about you and have sent you some more strength to keep moving forward.  You are in my prayers daily!!!


----------



## Lucy

Good luck and knock em out.


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## DustyKat

Wishing you all the very best Jerman! Good luck buddy.....

:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:

Fingers and toes crossed!
Dusty


----------



## Guest

hope it went well, Jerry  keep us posted - we're all cheering you on 

i have a baby Navman, cute little thing & it's only let me down once - took me to a car park overlooking the beach & said "you have reached your destination". :rof:


----------



## Jerman

girlygirl,pyoderma gangrennosum, marisa, Kelly, Nancy Lee, beth, Greg, rottengut91, Rosemary, Lucy, Dustykat, Ding,

Hi my friends, Thanks as always for the support, beth you are right-the waiting does suck! I found out that there are two in house candidates for the Voc director position, who will be interviewed this coming week. Ugh! I will also have to do an additional series of  interviews with the people served by the programs and the CEO of the company. Unemployment runs out next week and I am stressing a great deal about this.

Greg, love the new avatar you both look so happy together.

Thanks to all of you for the advice on the GPS question, very funny stuff from those responses.

Having a bit of a down day as I saw my wife yesterday and she is not at all ready for any reconciliation. Stated that she was still hurt from some of the things I had said over the time I have been "sick" . Between being in pain,frustrated over being out of work, and being a sometimes caretaker for her, I was obviously not myself and was certainly grouchy at times. Said some things I am not proud of and wish I could take back. I tried to apologize as I certainly never meant to hurt feelings but as I spiraled downward before my going to the hospital for treatment for my depression and anxiety, I was a very frustrating person to be around. I am ashamed of my frustration and even more so for directing it towards the woman I love with all of my heart. This month would have been our 5 year anniversary and will not likely see that happen together because I failed to manage my frustrations and inner turmoil/demons effectively. This of course directly affects my ability to spend time with my kids and that cuts very deeply. As always tough lessen learned, tried to tell her that wasn't really me but my illnesses speaking, tried to compare it to all of the medical issues she has had over the years and how she too was frustrated during those times- but that i was always there standing by her side during appointments and procedures/surgeries trying to be her rock when I was often terrified inside.
There are always too sides to every story but I will not put the blame on her, it was i who had the moments of poor behavior and I am very ashamed of my conduct/speech & wish I could take back things I said, it was tough with both of us being unemployed and having chronic illnesses, and just feeling so out of control of the big picture. Feeling very sad and anxious today just knowing that i F'd up and thus have lost my wife, my home, and of course time with my kids.

Also, realizing with my poor credit from being out of work that i will likely never have the opportunity to own a home again. I have thousands of dollars that I owe for medical and other bills and just feel like a real d-head today. I have been doing so well and i suppose this is just ( i hope) a bad day, but definitely hanging my head and not feeling strong at all today, just sad.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Jerman - You are entitled to having a bad day every once in a while  You have come so far! Hugs to you! I'm still keeping you in my prayers!


----------



## DustyKat

Hey Jerman, 

You'll get through this! As Marisa has said, you've come so far. You will still have days when the black dog creeps onto your shoulder, hell my issues are nothing compared to yours Jerman and I still have days when the bugger climbs up and settles in for the day.

I know you know you can't change the past and with family that makes it hard. Your home is your comfort zone and it is there that we do and say the things we wouldn't dream of doing or saying anywhere else. It doesn't matter whether you are a husband or a wife, a son or a daughter, a brother or a sister..............we all do it. We fight, we argue, we ignore, we complain, we get frustrated, we get opinionated, we hurt each other very deeply at times and this is what a family is.....the good, the bad and the ugly. Some of us are lucky enough to weather the storm and unfortunately some not. Now is the time for rebuilding......relationships, work, friendships, life and you have started that process and come a very long way in that journey and I guess that's what it is Jerman, a journey that will have bumps in the road and one that may well lead you down a dead end road or two but you will find your way back and you will be all the more committed and stronger in your resolve for doing so.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and we are all here for you and with you every step of the way. :hug::hug::hug:

Take care buddy,
Dusty


----------



## beth

Yep, what they said. Bad days still happen, but least you know you can have good days. Just got to hold firm.

Take good care of yourself.
Beth


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jerman,  I agree you have come a long way thus far and are entitled to have a bad day here and there.  You will get past this and hold your head high once agian tomorrow... I am a true firm believer in everything happens for a reason.  If nothing else to teach us a lesson and make us that much stronger in the end.  
I agree with dustykat, all families have those times.. You are not alone, we are standing by your side through it all. 

Can you get an extention on your unemployment?? I would check into it and see..
I wish you the best of luck with you interviews and chugging forward!!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers my friend.


----------



## Jerman

Marisa, Dusty, Beth, Rosemary-

Thank you, feeling a bit better and as always my family here was a big help with that. Working to hold head high and try to walk with some pride. ((((hugs)))) to you all.


----------



## Crohn's 35

Hey Jerman did you get the job or what? Strength in numbers ...we are pulling for you, hugs to you!


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## girlygirl

Jerman,
I'm thinking of you, and still wishing good vibes your way. It all happens for a reason, and just remember that one day it will get better.  You are a very strong person and I am proud of you for pushing on the way you do! I know it's hard sometimes, but you have people that love you, and NO ONE can take that from you! 

I hope you find the job you want! And if it doesn't happen at one place, it may be because a better place is just around the corner. Stay positive, and remember to smile! 

Lots of Love
Mon ~aka~ Girly Girl


----------



## bushydougie

Hope you are still feeling a bit better Jerman. 
I sure know how frustration and pain can lead to saying terrible things. I am lucky that my boyfriend has so far been very understanding of my outbursts but that does not stop me from feeling extremly guilty. Yet I still cannot occasionally stop myself from being horrid. 
I know that your strong spirit will keep you going through these difficult times and how helpful it is to know how many friends (cyber or otherwise) you have behind you cheering!!
I hope today has been a better day


----------



## Lucy

:ghug::ghuglease don't be so hard on yourself. Group hug guys. We are all pulling for you.:ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug::ghug:


----------



## Jerman

Hi all, still waiting to hear about job but trying to feel better about where and who i am working to be. i am trying to push myself physically to build stamina so that i do not falter when hopefully i am hired. trying really hard to look forward and to new beginnings and had all my babes this weekend which helped a great deal. also i owe my life to my friend Patrick who has become my jiminy cricket (consciense). I am also realizing slowly that my health has improved since my exile from my home. Have my eye on a cute pharmacist in the area that seems to blush when i pick up my scripts. too soon?


----------



## Crohn's 35

Hey Jer, that blushing pharmacist is a nice thought but... you are still raw from your marriage break up and that causes a rebound.  Been there! I know you can be lonely and the heartache is not going away that soon.  You need to find out what you are made of and what you are capable of.  One step at a time and one day at time.  Enjoy your freedom get your feet back on the ground and spend time with your kids. You will get that job, and you will fight your way out of the twilight zone...but it takes time.  We are there for ya, keep us posted ok.  Time heals everything. :rosette2:


----------



## merrywidow

way too soon jerry.  sort your selve out . i wouldnt even think about another relationship for at least 6 months.  you have too man things to sort out, like a divorce, and  a new girl wont wont to be involved in all that. 

my personal opinion, is that time does not heal. some things go so deep that they are always there always hurting.


----------



## Jerman

Sounds like good advice on the romance front Pen & Sharon. As I look back i fell pretty hard after marriage #1 and went right into another relationship, when it didn't work I was doubly hurt and certainly cannot handle that right now. There is no quick fix for the empty/ agonizing feeling of a broken heart. 
I just want to be happy & healthy now and have always equated that to being loved. Having trouble with being patient with going back to feeling like me again, but am trying with all that i am and all that i hope to become....
Need to hit the lottery or something, hope to hear about one of the damn jobs this week.


----------



## Jerman

Still nothing on the job front, i dropped off a handwritten thank you note for the vocational director on campus. I hope that something comes soon as I am really getting frustrated.


----------



## girlygirl

Hang in there Jerman! I'm rooting for you! Still sending good wishes your way!

PS.. I'm having a rough day as well in regards to my job.. Having a disease is stressfull in itself, and additional worrying is no bueno!.. I hope you get some good news! You're doing great!  And you go boy.. !! Good Bonus - (handwritten thank you note) awesome!


----------



## gypsigirl28

hang in there my friend... I am sure one of them will call!!!! you are in my thoughts and prayers


----------



## Lucy

Thank you notes are always a good idea. Good Luck and I'm pulling for you.


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## Mountaingem

:hang: I just wanted to say I know something great is around the corner for you and I'm sending best wishes your way!


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## Jerman

girlygirl, gypsy,  lucy, mountaingem- thank  you for your support as always. trying very hard to feel positive, need to get job soon or i feel i will lose my frikking mind. please keep the well wishes/prayers coming, fighting depression a lil but very anxious today. hard to start to rebuild fractured life with no income. lucy, love your signature quote-very cool. no calls or emails re job yet, maybe monday. ((((hugs))))) to you all for your support.


----------



## Jer's Girl

Sorry I haven't written in a while Jerman.  Just want you to know that I'm routing for you too!  You are in my thoughts.  Keep your head up and don't let this job dictate how you feel about yourself.


----------



## Lucy

:hang:Hey Jerman, Thanks I found that quote on the net and loved it too. Hang in there and fight that depression. Are you taking anything for it? I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you get the job.


----------



## girlygirl

Hi Jerman,
Thinking of you this morning. Hope today brings you pleasant surprises, and even more of anything good that you could've ever wished for!
have a good one!


----------



## Jerman

Jer's Girl said:


> Sorry I haven't written in a while Jerman.  Just want you to know that I'm routing for you too!  You are in my thoughts.  Keep your head up and don't let this job dictate how you feel about yourself.


Trying really hard to stand tall but can't seem to throw my shoulders back and stick out my chest with confidence. Starting to struggle again with feeling somewhat hopeless but can't allow myself to roll down that hill again, only made it half way up...


----------



## Jerman

Lucy said:


> :hang:Hey Jerman, Thanks I found that quote on the net and loved it too. Hang in there and fight that depression. Are you taking anything for it? I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that you get the job.


I am taking meds for it but on bad days it seems to bleed through the power of the meds. Please keep those fingers crossed. Thank you.


----------



## Dallies

Keep your chin up love, thinking of you and hope things turn around ASAP xxxxxxxx


----------



## Jerman

girlygirl said:


> Hi Jerman,
> Thinking of you this morning. Hope today brings you pleasant surprises, and even more of anything good that you could've ever wished for!
> have a good one!


Thanks very much my cyber pal, I really hope you are right.


----------



## bushydougie

Always thinking of you Jerry and all my very best thoughts are goingtowards wishing you well. It's always so hard to think positively when you feel down but keep trying as you know it will make you feel so much better. (I've struggled myself with this for years but always now try and stay as positive as I can). Keep us informed of how you are doing any any good news that you might have


----------



## Jerman

Dallies said:


> Keep your chin up love, thinking of you and hope things turn around ASAP xxxxxxxx


Thank you Dallies, I am really trying so hard.


----------



## Jerman

bushydougie said:


> Always thinking of you Jerry and all my very best thoughts are goingtowards wishing you well. It's always so hard to think positively when you feel down but keep trying as you know it will make you feel so much better. (I've struggled myself with this for years but always now try and stay as positive as I can). Keep us informed of how you are doing any any good news that you might have


Thanks Sam much appreciated, hope you are doing well my friend. I am trying so frikkin hard and just seem to keep hitting walls.


----------



## MapleLeafGirl

Jerry - Sorry I haven't been on here as much lately to offer support.  I am sure something positive is going to happen for you very soon.  I can't imagine how difficult all of this is to be dealing with so much all at once.  Just know I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Hang in there, Jer! I know how frustrating the job search can be. You were encouraging when I was feeling super down and you were right in that I just had to be patient and the right thing would come along. I know something great will come along for you  The waiting is agonizing though! I know it would be a great mental boost for you though! Still rooting for ya over here.


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Kelly & Marisa, you both have always been so wonderful to me in terms of your support and friendship. As it turns out I have been asked to go in tomorrow morning to do a classroom observation. I am both excited and anxious as frikking hell. I am going to be at the tip top of my game for this chance to prove myself. ((((hugs))) to you both and thank you.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Woohoo! Have fun and enjoy your time there


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Marisa, I am becoming more excited about my chances and have certainly "brown-nosed" enough to get the opportunity. I also just found out that I have an interview hopefully for a second job at a retail store nearby the school. hoping I get both and can begin to pay some bills to help my friends family catch up and to get a good divorce lawyer looks like I will need one. Gonna stand proud and strong tomorrow and show them what i am made of.


----------



## Pirate

High-five to you, my friend. This is a good thing. I still got your back Buddy. Now ya got me pumped up!!!!


----------



## rottengut91

Go gettem Jerman...routing for you all the way!!!


----------



## ameslouise

Good luck with the interview!  We're all rooting for you.

- Amy


----------



## bushydougie

Hope it goes really well today. Thinking of you. 
Keep that head held high!!!


----------



## Astra

Hiya Jerry

Sorry not been in touch lately, but want you to know I'm rooting for you, and hope it went fab today in the school, let us know how you got on!
Your confidence will come back in time, it just takes time! Being back in the classroom will give you the confidence to carry on, it's what you're best at, and the kids will love you for it, this isn't new to you, you have so much experience, and it will be like you've never been away! (like riding a bike, hey?)
Good luck for the interview too, hope you get it, so you can pay your bills etc
lotsa luv and big hug your way, you're doing smashing my pal, turn round and look how far you've come!
xxxx


----------



## girlygirl

Hi Jerman,
I'm so so happy for your new adventure today! Hope you're havin an awesome day! And I'm rootin for you bud!  So good to see that positive outlook! Let your smile shine through and know your loved today!
Go get em!!!


----------



## Jerman

Greg, Julie, Amy, Sam, Joanie, & Girlygirl- Thanks for the support and encouragement. I do believe that I kicked some serious butt today! I was a little anxious this a.m. but took a look back at my journey and thought, compared to where I was two or three months ago, this is candy! I dressed the part and walked the walk, jumping right in and interacting with all and not being the wallflower I once was. I could tell that the staff appreciated my efforts and hope that seals the deal. Holding my head high (almost feel a bit cocky) and smiling today, I was only asked to stay for 2 hours but was so into it I stayed 4. I truly believe at this point that i have done everything I can to market my personality and skills and hopefully nothing short of a meteor hitting the school should hold me back. Whoo Hooo! 

As happens sometimes i am a little foggy on the details not sure if he said I would know by the end of this week or next but orientation starts in the first week of November. I think I was a bit caught up in repeating my "mantra" (strong & proud) in my head that when he mentioned a decision date that was all i heard, lmao sometimes i am a real spaceshot! Feeling very good and have interview tomorrow at a large retail store- which will hopefully be a good second job! Thanks to you all, I love you guys. :wink:


----------



## girlygirl

Heck yea!!! Awesome!!!


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## bushydougie

Great news!
Glad to hear it went so well. Keep that mantra going and keep that head held high


----------



## dreamintwilight

Yay, Jer!! Sounds like you had a GREAT day! Don't worry about spacing out on the details. I am guilty of doing that myself, haha.

Keep that mantra going for tomorrow's interview! So proud of you!


----------



## DustyKat

Oh wow Jerman, this is great to hear! Keeping my fingers and toes crossed! 

:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:

Thinking of you mate, 
Dusty


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## gypsigirl28

Amazing jer.. I am so happy that you had a great day today. I pray those days keep coming for you..... Good luck on both jobs. You are in my thoughts and prayers always


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## merrywidow

glad you enjoyed it jerry.


----------



## Astra

WOW!
I knew you would!! I've always had faith in you!
The only way is up now Jerry! No more looking back!
xxxxx


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## Jerman

Hiya Cyber family, I went to the interview at the retail and after 3 separate sessions on the computer filling out situational interview questions along with interviews with 3 separate people and got the job! Hopefully this will be the 
2nd job to follow up after my day after the school. 7:30-3:30 m-f, then 4pm-10 (12 for the two weeks before christmas) Monday through Saturday. With Sunday off for my time with the kids. Agreed to between 18 and 24 hours at the store in hopes that i do not overdo it. Here's hoping, Whoo Hooo!!!!


----------



## DustyKat

WOOHOO!!! So happy for you!!! Good on you........

:emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance::emot-dance:

Dusty.


----------



## bushydougie

Hurray!!! Well done you! You must be feeling great at the moment. You sure deserve it


----------



## Astra

:mbh:



FAN BLOODY TASTIC JERRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## girlygirl

Congratulations!! I knew you could do it! Good job!! WOO WOO


----------



## beth

Kewl! well done.


----------



## Guest

Jer - you're wonderful.


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## rottengut91

That's wonderful news Jerry!!!  Don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it.  Way to persevere.  Awesome, knock 'em dead.


----------



## Lucy

:runaway::beerchug::mademyday::luigi:YIIIPPPPEEEEE Congrats so happy for you. Knew you could do it. Party Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## gypsigirl28

Wonderful News Jer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew you could do it......... Keep that faith going my friend, things are looking up for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Jerman

Thank you all, I can feel the clouds parting a bit and am looking forward to this step of the comeback trail. I could not have made it this far without you.((((((HUGS))))) to you all. :ycool:


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## merrywidow

lets hope your tummy settles down now you have a job. well done jerry


----------



## MapleLeafGirl

Way to go Jer!


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## dreamintwilight

Yay!! I knew you'd get the job! So so happy for you!


----------



## Jer's Girl

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Pirate

Just gotta believe in yourself, buddy. Good things happen to ya when ya start believing. We all believed in ya, but you are the one who made it happen. Getting stronger every day, yeah.


----------



## Jerman

merrywidow said:


> lets hope your tummy settles down now you have a job. well done jerry


Thanks Sharon, I think it will definitely help, just having some level of control over the course of your own life makes a big difference in the mind, body, spirit connection.


----------



## Jerman

MapleLeafGirl said:


> Way to go Jer!


Thanks Kel, I am hoping to have both wrapped up this week. We'll get to that book someday right?


----------



## Jerman

dreamintwilight said:


> Yay!! I knew you'd get the job! So so happy for you!


Thanks Marisa, always there with a kind word, hope you are doing well on your new job.


----------



## Jerman

Jer's Girl said:


> Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks Jer's girl for your friendship and continued support, you rock!


----------



## Jerman

Pirate said:


> Just gotta believe in yourself, buddy. Good things happen to ya when ya start believing. We all believed in ya, but you are the one who made it happen. Getting stronger every day, yeah.


Thank you Greg you are a really good man, thanks for all of the support!


----------



## Sue-2009

*Congrats!*

:goodluck::hug:

Great News!!!!

Peace, Sue


----------



## gypsigirl28

Jer - You are a great person and things are looking up for you!!!! I am proud of you my friend for not giving up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! keep up the good work


----------



## Lucy

Jerman congrats and go knock their socks off.


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## Jerman

Hiya guys, I start orientation tuesday at the store, still waiting to hear from the school. Had a rough couple days with what would have been my fifth anniversary, was kinda blue and flaring as a result. had to dig a lil deeper to get through the day and had tough time not looking backwards, still miss how things used to be but i guess i can't think much about what i can't control. i definitely do miss my wife and kids, and how things used to be. it is very hard to only see my babies one  day a week but trudging forward-sadly- but forward. Hope to hear from the school early next week.


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer.... Good to hear you start orientation this week!! I hope you hear from the school soon.. Sorry to hear that you had a rough couple of days.  Try to keep your head up my friend, things will get better and easier as time goes on.  I know it is tough only seeing the kids one day a week, but look forward to that and cherish that time.  You will get through this, I know you will.  You have come this far... Take care, thinking about you


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Rosemary, I heard from the school today and it looks like a no. He said that he had hired others for three of the four positions, and had yet to hear back from the fourth candidate. he told me that if that person did not accept than he would be calling me. I am really bummed about this as you know, i really wanted that job badly. I am somewhat proud that i told him he would not find a candidate with my skills, experience, and compassion for the people served by the program. 

However, other than that parting shot of dignity, i am bumming & anxious as hell. My friends that i am staying with have been so good to me, i just want to be able to give back and contribute then get my life started again. I am gonna be 44 and all i have is a '96 ford to my name. 

I hope that you mom & Maddie are doing well. you are in my thoughts & my version of prayer each and every day.


----------



## dreamintwilight

I'm sorry to hear this, Jer.  I'm sure you are feeling really disappointed.

But, hey...you got the other job though! That is more than you could say a week ago! Be grateful even for baby steps in the right direction. Your friends can see that you've been putting in a great deal of effort to help contribute and be helpful. You aren't just sitting around moping. You're going out there and doing something about it!

My husband is basically told every day from one of his coworkers that she wished she had hired me instead of who they have now. Who knows! Maybe the school will realize that later. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. Just keep pluggin' along. Something better will come soon enough!


----------



## Jerman

thanks so very much Marisa, you are a really cool friend.


----------



## Nancy Lee

I'm with Marisa in the thinking that everything happens for a reason...
one door closes and another opens.

Be proud of what you have achieved...and don't look back...
keep moving forward...even if they are baby steps.

Comforting hugs~Nancy


----------



## Jerman

Nancy Lee said:


> I'm with Marisa in the thinking that everything happens for a reason...
> one door closes and another opens.
> 
> Be proud of what you have achieved...and don't look back...
> keep moving forward...even if they are baby steps.
> 
> Comforting hugs~Nancy


Thanks for the warm thoughts, and the hugs Nancy. I am truly giving it my all, and can't say enough about how much i appreciate yours and everyones support.


----------



## Jer's Girl

Hi Jer.  I know that you are going through a rough patch, but things will get better.

I've been a bit sad lately too, but I am feeling better physically every day so I know that as long as i try to stay positive i will be alright.  

Be well my friend and look to the future.


----------



## Jerman

Thanks so much Jer's Girl, I start at 5 at the retail and had a positive interview today for a mental health provider. Right now it's like the old christmas special song "put one foot in front of the other.." Hope your physical improvement turns into more smiles for you real soon.


----------



## Astra

Hiya Jerry!

Soz I'm a bit late! Aren't I always!
Yes it's such a big disappointment but I believe in things happening for a reason too, there will be other great opportunities, please don't give up!
Each day will get better regarding your kids and wife, I promise! My boyf is going thro the same thing, he misses his kids so much (but he hates his wife!!)
I tell him, remember, You'll always be their Dad, no-one will ever take that away from you! And when they get older, they'll make their own choices who to live with.
Hang on in there, I hope you're at peace, and that your new job is going well
Much love
Joan xxxx


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Joanie baby, things went well today, i am trying to realize that there are only so many things I can control, and I can control how I treat people how i want to be treated, hoping that talking the talk and walking the walk promotes good karma. I enjoyed orientation today at the store, and have high hopes for the interview i had today at the mental health provider. I am truly putting my best foot forward, chest out, shoulders back, and chin up. I managed to clean up pretty good today for the interview and had my strut going.... here's hoping.


----------



## gypsigirl28

Jerman said:


> Thank you Rosemary, I heard from the school today and it looks like a no. He said that he had hired others for three of the four positions, and had yet to hear back from the fourth candidate. he told me that if that person did not accept than he would be calling me. I am really bummed about this as you know, i really wanted that job badly. I am somewhat proud that i told him he would not find a candidate with my skills, experience, and compassion for the people served by the program.
> 
> However, other than that parting shot of dignity, i am bumming & anxious as hell. My friends that i am staying with have been so good to me, i just want to be able to give back and contribute then get my life started again. I am gonna be 44 and all i have is a '96 ford to my name.
> 
> I hope that you mom & Maddie are doing well. you are in my thoughts & my version of prayer each and every day.


hi Jer, sorry you did not get the job but when one dorr closes another always opens.. I have lots of faith in you and you will find something.... You are doing a great job.  I am so glad to hear you had another interview and you stood so tall for it.  Keep up the great work... take care my friend


----------



## Jerman

Hello my friends, I had a mixed bag of emotions today, had a really good day with my three babies,Colinis getting over his concussion which ended his football season slowly and continues to be a beautiful person who is meant for great things, Cian was busting my chops so much today that I had to have him separate between me and his brother, Alea got to her first movie today when we all saw Megamind which was quite funny. I spent a great deal of money today because we all went out to lunch as well but had a wonderful time. It seemed especially hard dropping off the kids tonight as it really sucks that I only have them one day a week and we are all feeling the loss of time. When I dropped off Alea she was asleep and the boys gave her a kiss and i was allowed to carry her into the house as my ex was not feeling well so, she bent her standards a bit. I lay her down on the couch and she looked like such an angel while i took off her coat and covered her with a blanket. It ripped out my heart a bit to see her looking so very beautiful and peaceful and to have to say goodbye with a kiss as she was sleeping. I actually felt my heart crack once again along with my voice as I hugged my boys and said goodbye with hugs and kisses in the midst of a rainstorm. I cried for half of the ride home and prayed to my angels (grandparents) for guidance and help with getting through this very difficult time. My soon to be ex is doing her thing with her health issues and being very manipulative, I helped and supported her for nine years even to the point of helping her to shower and dress each day, but she threw me out when i fell down the hill due to depression and anxiety of being out of work. She has not let me in the home to get my possessions but needed me to get Alea ready to go so allowed me in the home today. I am angry about the double standard and see a difference in my daughter without getting the consistency of redirection/consequences for acting up that i give to all of my kids. in other words she is getting away with too much and is thus testing limits on our visits. She is getting away with little transgressions that remind me of the overblown tick of a stepson that caused me to get thrown out of my home. 

I asked my ex to file the papers for the divorce to commence and she actually seemed upset! I am done trying to understand this woman and more importantly am not going to be a doormat for her anymore. I am about to become 44 years old and am sharing a bunkbed with a 13 year old. 

I want to move on with my life and really miss having the simple intimacies of a relationship- holding hands, running my hands through a womans hair, hugs and cuddling. I have a strong attraction to a lady at my new job and it seems to be somewhat mutual but my confidence is not what it should be due to my circumstances, but i really like her and the way she carries herself. I especially like her smile and the way she blushes when i talk to her. I may be stupid but i still believe in romance and in finding true love. I am once again putting my heart out there for my crohn's family to critique and advise. I love you guys and need your guidance.


----------



## Astra

Aw, WOW Jerry!
I wasn't expecting that at the end!
But you can't see what everyone else can see, can you? Your ex has probably sucked the very soul outa you!
But this new woman will find that lost soul, don't you see?
Nice & Slow, take it easy my friend, you've got a lot to go thro yet, and remember if the ex gets wind of this, you're in deep shit, court and judge wise!
Sounds like this cutie is gonna give us back our Jerman! She will give you your confidence back, she's already started! Ask her out for a coffee one lunchtime, but a word of advice, don't talk about your problems or the ex! She'll run away with smoke comin off her ankles! Make it all about her! Talk about her interests etc, Women love that! Trust me! 
good luck Jerry baby! You can charm the birds outa the trees!
xxx


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Joanie, I appreciate your advice and counsel. You are the best. I do hope that I am heading in the right direction and will be 44 years old soon, do not want to waste away my life in limbo but also certainly do not want to jump into anything with blinders on. Who loves ya baby?


----------



## Lucy

Hey Jerman,
Great advice don't talk about the ex or problems. So glad you doing better. Great way to end the year new job and new female friend. Best of Luck to you.


----------



## Jer's Girl

I am so glad things seem to be looking up for you right now!  Just having some hope of things getting better will sometimes make things get better I think.  I'm routing for you friend!


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Lucy and Jer's girl- here's hoping that the year end on a positive note for both of you and all of our chrons family. We have all certainly had our share of trials this year.


----------



## acg101

Hey Jerma:
I cant compete with the advice you are getting from all the nice ladies above, but I am happy to hear that you are moving on with your life.


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Dan, yep even Dear Abby can't hold a candle to these lovely ladies, a very smart bunch indeed.


----------



## ameslouise

Hey Jerry - 

Glad things seem to be going in the right direction.  My heart broke for you reading about your great day with the kids and being so sad dropping them back off at your ex's. All you can do it make the best of your time with them.

Why doesn't she want to file? Can't you file instead?  Not sure if I msised that earlier in the thread.

Hang in there.  Slow and easy with the new cutie!

- Amy


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Amy, I was trying to encourage her to file to follow through on her wishes to have me out of the house and out of her life...I will probably make a trip to the courthouse with in the next week or so as I do not like limbo and do not like giving her the power to hold anything over me. Yes, slow and easy wins the race. I am excited about the prospect of where things may lead but have been around the block enough to beware of rebounds and looking for a quick fix for heartache. (though i may need reminders from family members like yourself) Thank you for your response and concern, you are a wonderful lady.


----------



## gypsigirl28

Jer, I am so very happy for you, You sound like you are on the right track... i agree with the advice you have gotten, slow and easy... Dont want your heart to get broken,, you are to much of a nice guy for that..

As for the soon to be exwife, She is the one who made the choice to throw you out and play the game.  She has no right to be upset because you asked her to file.  If games is what she wants then show her who plays the game better and file yourself.. You have been more then nice about it all,  Of course I am sorry that you dont get the kids as much as you should and that she is playing games there as well.  But if you file you will be able to get regular visitation of the kids without her saying you cant.  

Good luck my friend, you are always in my thoughts and prayers...


----------



## MapleLeafGirl

Hey Jer - Glad to hear things are looking up for you in some ways.  I echo the advice above.  Definitely go slow with any new relationship.  Maybe your soon to be ex was enjoying having all of the "power" and you sort of turned the tables on her a bit when you mentioned filing.  Part of her was probably enjoying thinking you were pining away for her. Don't be surprised if she suddenly wants to start talking more and seems a little more interested in you.  My husband's ex pulled the same thing when him and I moved in together.


----------



## Mountaingem

I totally agree with Kelly-she wants to play the game, and be in control-of the kids, of who files and when...some women get off on that, it's sick in my opinion.

Just a thought-is counseling something you both migh try? Since she's got her own health problems I'm just wondering if that could have something to do with her behavior...and at any rate, even if not to reconcile, maybe it could help you guys ease into your new situation in a way that's healthy and fair to you both and the children.

Best wishes to you Jerman, you just gotta keep hanging in there-I just know better days are ahead for you!


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Rosemary, Kelly, and Jeannette- you ladies are wonderful, I appreciate your advice and will work to follow it. Also, working on a little masonry around my heart (a brick wall) so that things don't hit so fast and so hard when the ex does play her little reindeer games. :ylol:


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer
 I have one of those brick walls too. lol It works well when you dont want things to bother you..Sure way not to get hurt by her actions.  Keep up the good work my friend.
Thinking about you..


----------



## merrywidow

jerry i have said it earleir in this thread and i will say it again here. its way too early to dating again. give yourself time to sort out your wife, then start over again.


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Rosemary, and Sharon- you are both wonderful people and i appreciate your friendship and counsel. I don't do well in limbo, or with the fact that she (and her son for that matter) have had so much control over me for so long. This is MY life and our time here is always too short---so why wait and let someone pull the puppet strings. When my time comes, hopefully a long time from now, those who knew me will say that I treated others the way i wanted to be treated and fought my way ahead when I wanted something. Here's hoping...


----------



## Jerman

Hello my dear friends,

Have had a rather rough few days, got a speeding ticket coming out of work 2 nites ago, to the tune of $230. I was speeding and understand the consequences but WTF? I certainly can't afford that expense right now. 
I went to my former home the other day and got a few totes of personal belongings. My ex is going to have knee & stomach surgery soon and will soon be having her cousin & husband move into the house. Seems almost preplanned premeditated. Had a tough time seeing her as I always do and we both talked and cried quite a bit. She said she was sorry that her health issues had had the impact on my health that they did and that she just couldn't do it to me again (have me in her life while she was ill). 

Very hard to have 9 years of love & 5 years of marriage reduced to memories that fit into 8 plastic totes. Things at my friends house are deteriorating rapidly as she has filed for divorce, but has no intention of leaving the home. 

I am greatful for my therapist and for the meds i am taking as my emotional pain and depression would have me in crisis again and hitting rock bottom. 
I turned 44 on the 14th and feel like a friggin failure. Therapist keeps saying to use the serenity prayer and do one day at a time, which many of you know i do not do very well. I have been exercising and beating the hell out of my heavybag which does help but i just internalize so much. 

Starting to stress about the holidays knowing that I have so very little to offer in terms of presents for my babies as well as family & friends. Feeling very overwhelmed, sad, and very very lonely.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Jerman - I wish there were thing I could say to help take away the feelings of loneliness and failure that you are struggling with. I really can empathize with you. I've struggled with loneliness and feelings of failure since graduating college. It's been difficult to establish any long-term friendships (I've been burned many times in the past by so-called close "best friends.") and I am having a hard time knowing what my life's path is supposed to be. Not to minimize what you are going through , of course. But, I can empathize with what you are dealing with. I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with those sorts of emotions without a life partner by my side.

Life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you expect it to. I'm coming to realize that these days and trying to make the best of the situation I'm in currently.  Your struggles will become les and less troublesome as time goes by. Keep fighting! And don't feel bad about not being able to give friends and family "things." Love, support, and kind gestures can go a long way and mean a lot more than things that go out of style and break by next year.


----------



## DustyKat

Oh Jerman, I don't know what to say. Above all else, when it seems there is nowhere to turn, remember we will always be here for you..................







:hang:  mate, :hug:

Dusty


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Marisa, you are a doll. I wish that i had the strength right now to filter out what i should and should not stress about. I still obviously have feeligs for my ex to be, but know through therapy and history that this is a road i should not go down again. it makes it very hard when she is the custodial parent at this point of my princess. I am a very affectionate person and used to spend most of my days kissing my daughter and holding her. This leaves a void in my heart that is magnified by thousands because I have already been through it with my boys. Even ten years later, I cry when I have to drop them off at their mothers. I consider myself a strong person but definitly not in this area. they are my flesh and blood and i feel a need to be with them, in a sense it is like being a criminal with no access. the pain i feel is disabling and horrid, i just wish my babies were with my all of the time.


----------



## Mountaingem

I think it would be good if you could write down everything you're feeling in a journal. For me the physical act of writing, not just typing, is a great relief to me. Maybe write letters to your children expressing your feelings, to give to them as adults. I never got to know my dad, I would appreciate some insight as an adult as to why he made certain choices. Just a thought...


----------



## Jerman

DustyKat said:


> Oh Jerman, I don't know what to say. Above all else, when it seems there is nowhere to turn, remember we will always be here for you..................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :hang:  mate, :hug:
> 
> Dusty


Thank you Dusty, I am truly blessed in the sense that i have found people like you to be my friend here on the forum, you are wonderful.


----------



## Jerman

Mountaingem said:


> I think it would be good if you could write down everything you're feeling in a journal. For me the physical act of writing, not just typing, is a great relief to me. Maybe write letters to your children expressing your feelings, to give to them as adults. I never got to know my dad, I would appreciate some insight as an adult as to why he made certain choices. Just a thought...


Thank you mountaingem, that seems like solid advice and i do love to write. However, i have this almost self destructive tendency to shut out the activities that bring me  peace and joy. I started to try writing a novel a  bit back and have'nt looked at it in months. I love to paint but that part of my mind & soul seems to padlocked. I feel as though i am on auto pilot and the creative piece of me that used to be such a large part of who i was is gone for now. But I promise to try to pick the lock this week, I suppose there is a few of letting the emotions out with  these activities and having them wash over me like a tsunami.


----------



## Guest

i always try to look for the secure and positive points in someone's story, when they're so emotionally involved in it themselves that sometimes they can't see what's what..

in your life just now, Jer, it sounds like you are the only solid and stable thing - everything else seems fragile and changeable.... and that is not an easy way to live, for anyone.

i guess you've got to do what you've done before buddy, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and face life head-on, with that head high.

your children will love you no matter what - whether you give them a packet of candy for xmas or a new bmx bike - i've struggled as a single mum, i'm talking from experience.... and the one thing mine resent their 'dad' for? not being in their lives. not bothering to keep in contact at all.

couple of good points for you to think about there, bud.

keep unloading here, if that's all the writing you can do right now - one day you will look back and read all this from a much better and happier stage in your life.... x


----------



## Nancy Lee

*Sending big hugs....Nancy





*​


----------



## Jerman

Thank you my dear dear friend, I am trulydoing the very best i am able, just a lot to juggle right  now. Struggling mightily but giving myself a fighter's effort, love you Suz.


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Nancy, great pic and gesture. u r a doll.


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer,, I hope your days are getting some what easier.  I know you are hurting and stressing. This time of year makes a lot of us stress, you are doing what you can and taking one day at a time is what you have to keep doing.  Keep up the good work. 
You are in my thoughts and prayers daily...


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Rosemary, things are going pretty well at work and I have a 3rd interview with the mental health provider next monday. Sadness, anxiety, and depression lacing up their boxing gloves and whacking away at my spirit. I feel like I am slipping a bit down that slope of mine and feel as Ding mentioned that i have no control over so many aspects of my life right now. I just turned 44 and am working for $8.75 and sleeping in the bottom of a bunk bed. Feel like a loser, and the holiday approaching are making things worse. My hands are shaking more often, my focus is declining and know matter how hard i hit the heavy bag I just cannot get all of the dark feelings of frustration and anger out. On top of that i seem to be able to feel completely alone in a room fool of people whether they be strangers or friends.


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## Jerman

Hello my friends, I had my 3rd interview yesterday at a mental health provider and feel as though it went wonderfully! I was really on my game and answered some tough questions with ease, confidence and humor. There were three people involved which always adds a different dimension because you need to be sure all get equal questions/answers and eye contact. I walked out feeling very proud and feeling that I had nailed it!! Please say a prayer, cross a body part, throw a penny in a wishing well, whatever it is that you individually do for wishes/prayers that I get this job.


----------



## Jerman

I Got the job, I got the job, wooo whooo!!!! Jerman does a very non-rythmic dance of joy.... 

I thank all of you for your support and belief in me even when i didn't, I will be forever grateful for the friends I have made and the people I have met here.


----------



## beth

Cool! Well done that man.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Awesome, Jer! I knew something great would come along for you.  You deserve it! You've worked so hard. Enjoy every minute of it!


----------



## Guest

for Jerman...

The secret of making your wishes come true
is to make some for others, not just for you.

Believe in yourself, your wishes and dreams
for life is not always all that it seems.

With true intent, kindness and love
cast your wishes to the stars above.

May you always keep a rainbow of hope in your heart.




i am so proud of you, my friend.


----------



## Mountaingem

:beerchug: Yay! Congrats to you!


----------



## Jerman

dreamintwilight said:


> Awesome, Jer! I knew something great would come along for you.  You deserve it! You've worked so hard. Enjoy every minute of it!


Thank you Marisa, I am super excited about the opportunity, thanks for hanging in there with me every step of the way.


----------



## Jerman

dingbat said:


> for Jerman...
> 
> The secret of making your wishes come true
> is to make some for others, not just for you.
> 
> Believe in yourself, your wishes and dreams
> for life is not always all that it seems.
> 
> With true intent, kindness and love
> cast your wishes to the stars above.
> 
> May you always keep a rainbow of hope in your heart.
> 
> i am so proud of you, my friend.



You are an angel and I am truly grateful for you, you always manage to bring a tear to my eye. beautifully written my friend. Thank you for all of your belief in me even when I did not.


----------



## Silvermoon

*Silver wipes a single tear of happiness from her cheek, stands and applauds Jerman - so proud of the accomplishment and the hurdles he has over come since making his aquaintance just a few short months ago... he is _trul_y a Phoenix*


----------



## Jerman

Mountaingem said:


> :beerchug: Yay! Congrats to you!


Thank you Jeannette, you are a sweetheart and I am very grateful to know you and to have had your support through this long journey.


----------



## Jer's Girl

Yay!!!!  I am so happy for you!  I hope it is everything you want and need it to be.  


----------



## gypsigirl28

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME News Jer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so very happy for you!!  I knew you could do it.  All your hard work is paying off my friend, You are on the right road to recovery.  Keep up the Great work jer.  I am so very PROUD of YOU!!!

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers


----------



## Mountaingem

Jerman said:


> Thank you Jeannette, you are a sweetheart and I am very grateful to know you and to have had your support through this long journey.


Awwww, shucks!:wub:


----------



## DustyKat

Oh wow Jerman that is FABULOUS news! Good on you! So you should walk tall and proud!

So happy, happy, happy for you, 
Dusty


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## bushydougie

Just seen your news. YAY!!! 
Well done you. How very exciting
x


----------



## Jerman

beth said:


> Cool! Well done that man.


Thank you Beth you rock!


----------



## Jerman

Silvermoon said:


> *Silver wipes a single tear of happiness from her cheek, stands and applauds Jerman - so proud of the accomplishment and the hurdles he has over come since making his aquaintance just a few short months ago... he is _trul_y a Phoenix*


Thanks so very much Silver, you are always so supportive and such a kind and gentle person.


----------



## Jerman

DustyKat said:


> Oh wow Jerman that is FABULOUS news! Good on you! So you should walk tall and proud!
> 
> So happy, happy, happy for you,
> Dusty


Thanks Dusty I am very appreciative of your support and friendship over my time her the past years.


----------



## Jerman

bushydougie said:


> Just seen your news. YAY!!!
> Well done you. How very exciting
> x


Thank you Sammy, I hope all is going well for you also.


----------



## Jerman

Hi my friends don't mean to whine but I have had  a really bittersweet week. I saw my boys on thursday and had my daugther overnite last  nite and am struggling today. I loved having her company but was unable to just focus on the positive aspects of the visit, we even saw Santa yesterday but once it was time to go to bed i got sad. I saw that I was able to just fit my index and forefinger around her arm and realized just how much she was growing but just how little she was. Even though i had the joy of sleeping with her in my bed and the cuddles, she is growing and i am missing that each day. I layed in bed with her and rubbed her hair but instead of being able to enjoy the time with her only felt the loss off time and contact. I imagine that it would feel like an artist like ansel adams seeing and capturing the beauty of a sunset and then losing his eyesight. He would have the memory of what he saw but never be able to harness the magic of the moment again. He would have reference of what a beautiful and warm feeling of love he had when with her but also know that he would never ever ever be able to have that feeling on a daily basis. Bittesrweet is an unholy understatement for the pain that I am feeling at this time. My "wife" still tells me at times that she loves me which Fks with my head and heart but gives a different reason for our breakup each time. I had a very brief appointment with my medication monitor today and he was so taken aback by my state of stress and anxiety that he asked if i felt i needed to go back to the hospital. I have been self medicating to try to get through but am struggling regardless of the numbness i seek. please help, i am slipping down the hill and and am scared.....


----------



## Cat-a-Tonic

Aw, Jerman.  I haven't been posting in here much but I have been keeping up with this thread, and I'm so sad to hear how down you sound.  It really sounds like you need some help, self-medicating to numb feelings is not good.  Is there anyone you can talk to in a therapy-like setting, maybe a clergy person or even a crisis hotline?  I really hope you are able to work through this and get back to your old self again soon.

Remember, you once told me that if I'm feeling down, that I should do whatever needs doing in order to pick myself back up again, including kicking the cat (then you wrote a funny disclaimer that said you do not condone kicking cats).  So, please do what you need to do, although I'm not advocating self-medicating OR kicking cats, but I really do hope you feel happier soon.


----------



## Nancy Lee

I'm sorry you're feeling so low Jer.  You must hang in there...I know it's really really hard..but, I promise you things will get better. I know that's hard for you to even believe right now but they will.

You need to be talking to a professional and have them help you through this rough time. You are always welcome to vent here ...and we will always be here for you,
but we aren't professionals.

I'll be keeping you in my positive thoughts and prayers.

Remember your signature when you get low..

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran"

Heart Hugs~Nancy


----------



## Mountaingem

Please please please don't self-medicate! It's much better (for you) to get some drugs designed to help you through this rough time. 

Let me share my experience: My sister-in-law's mom had lost her husband at 53 
to cancer. She pushed her feelings aside until oneday she literally couldn't get out of bed. Her family let her stay like that for 3 days, then my bro-in-law went into her room, wrapped her in a blanket and carried her to emergency.

They gave her short term meds and she's a changed woman. Please get some help, you've waged war with Crohn's, now you have to do the same with depression. 

Keep fighting Jer! For your own sake and for your kids, you deserve help.


----------



## Guest

i agree with all 3 posts above, Jer - and i hope you take note of the care & experience behind everyone's opinions here, and get yourself back to the people who can help you mentally, emotionally, and medicinally.

i hope this doesn't come out all wrong, but i can't help thinking that you're not 'slipping down the hill', you're simply feeling the emotions of your situation right now, which is normal, anyone who is a loving soul would feel like this.

what you're going through is grief, and like any other, it takes time for the massive hurt and grieving to pass into something more bearable.. but sometimes during that adjustment time we need help from outside, and i'm asking you as a very worried friend to go to the right places to get that help. do it for you, for us, for your babies and for whatever chance you may or may not have with your wife in the future - just do it buddy. xx


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## Jerman

Thank you Cat, Nancy, Jeannette, & Suz--for all of your advice and thoughtfulness. Part of what has me spinning around the drain has to do with finding out that my health insurance has been canceled! As is quite obvious from my recent posts- not exactly good timing!!  Thankfully my therapist said that if need be he will do "pro bono" till we straighten out the insurance. 
Really would like to crawl back in bed but am  taking care of Pat's ma today & she is requiring a great deal of redirection as she fell again last nite and hit her head.

My hands are shaking a lot today & am having a lovely flare which is causing some impressive gut pain and spasms..WTF?  Wish I could make all of the pain, both physical and emotional just go away, I am just all fkd up today.


----------



## dreamintwilight

Hang in there, Jer! I agree with everyone else's words especially Ding's! I think it is normal to have overwhelming feelings of sadness based on all the things you are having to deal with. It's a HUGE adjustment. Even when we think we've come leaps and bounds from where we were, it's normal to have days that seem to set us back to where we started. You are dealing with some difficult things.

Not to mention you just said what I was thinking...you're going through a flare. And as we all know depression and chronic illness go hand in hand. Which one comes first, I do not know, but both exacerbate each other!

You are not weak for going back and getting professional help like others have said. Do it for yourself and for your loved ones. 

:::HUGS:::


----------



## Astra

Hiya Jerry

I agree with everyone too, time to go back and ask for help before you fall into the black hole again!
On a different note, sorry for being so blunt, but stay away from the missus, she's playing head games with you! Your head must be cabbaged!
I know she's having a hard time too, but telling you she loves you one minute then hating you the next, who's the one who needs therapy here?
For your own well being, cut all ties, get your own dignity and self esteem back, cos your kids are gonna need you when the ex falls down. Know what I'm saying?
Sorry if it's just too blunt, but it's just not fair to play with someone's weak spot, totally bang out of order!
Sending you some strength my friend, you can do this.
Joan xxxx


----------



## Jerman

Thanks Marisa & Joanie, I have missed therapy the past three weeks due to a meeting he had to go to, thanksgiving, and one week when i was ill. I do believe it helps and feel somewhat ashamed to be so frikkin fragile. I have been working really hard at the retail job and start next Monday with orientation for the new job  working with psychiatrically disabled people- seems a bit too ironic at this point. but i am looking forward to it. my ex to be has had he cousin and husband move in- which definitely seems to have cemented the end of the marriage and also makes it feel as though plans were in the works for a bit of time. I have been weightlifting and boxing 4 to 6 rounds on the heavy bag (Benson would be proud) and have been gaining some confidence and good physical results from that but one phone call or one sad day and I am a mess all over again. 

The holiday season being here is not helping my locus of control by any means, have NO money for gifts for my babes and feel like a loser because of it. Plus all three of their birthdays are in January and February. I have been on this hellish journey since august and still have soooo far to go. My gut is killing me and i feel so emotionally tenuous, sometimes i just want to be numb. I am terribly lonely and miss the intimacy (not talking sex) of a relationship- want to move on but how sexy or attractive is it to date a 44 year old who currently shares a bunkbed with his 13 year old nephew? 

My arms and upper body are getting more strong and toned, but my insides-my heart and gut are shattered and on fire respectively.


----------



## Jerman

Another day another battle with the stress dragon,watching my every move and picking away at my subconscious. Got some angry texts from my ex to be at midnight last nite saying she saw I was looking for a relationship on my facebook page. "she actually had the gall to say, well i guess now it is over! WTF??


----------



## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer,
Hang in there my friend. This time of year is tough on a lot of  people and worse when you are in a flare.  I dont understand your ex at all.. Im thinking about you always

Take care


----------



## Jerman

Thank you Rosemary, I truly appreciate your friendship and constant support despite your own struggles. ((((((((HUGS))))))))


----------



## Silvermoon

I think we tend to forget that our thoughts, emotions and mind are, essentially, PHYSICAL parts of our body as well... they all run on chemicals that are supposed to keep them organized.....

When a person has chronic pain or illness, these chemicals become disturbed, and cause "shortages" in the messages in our brains.  Sometimes it is related to not absorbing the right stuff out of the food we eat.  Either way, it still comes down to the basics that is is still a PHYSIOLOGICAL process.....

Keeping that in mind.... when our gut hurts, it is acceptable to seek help.... why not when our BRAIN hurts???????? 

Big squishy hugs, Jer.  We are here for you.................


----------



## Jerman

Thank you so much Silver, I saw my counselor this morning and shared the issue of the ex to be and the "mixed messages" he just came right out and said that he thought she was screwing with my head. Validation is a powerful thing and something I am lucky enough to also get from friends like you. Thanks.


----------



## Jerman

Hi everyone, it has been a while since i posted and i felt the need to reach out once again. I am really considering resigning my post as a monitor as I have done nothing to help anyone especially the new peeps and am only on here when i need support. My insurance was canceled and I am now feeling the withdrawals without my antidepressant. I am lucky in the sense that my therapist is amazing and is working "pro bono" in lieu of insurance. I should be happy as my new job is great and my boss' are phenomenal. 

Christmas was brutal as i sat and watched my friends kids open their presents knowing that i had nothing to give my own due to financial restrictions. I am trying so very hard to stand tall and move on but still feel so betrayed and thrown out like common trash due to the incident and its consequences back in august. 

I was doing so well and working out and pounding the heavy bag to alleviate my stress as well as lifting weights again and doing the stairmaster. I am now falling backwards and was not even able to stay at my parents house on christmas-even though they were with the golden son in Ct. just to suffer in silence, apparently due to unfounded trust issues. I have not been able to have an overnite with my boys since august and my ex laid into me via text on xmas eve in a very brutal and heartless manner. 

I believe you all deserve a stronger and more consistent monitor to provide direction and support and all I have done is leech strength from forum members. I am sorry to have not been strong enough to fulfill my chosen responsibilities and think i need to go away and let someone of more substance and character step in to make this forum the resource of friendship and strength that it once was and should be. I apologize to all of my friends and to those I have not met due to my current inadequacies. I love you all and hope for the best for each and every one of you. I am truly sorry to have let you down and to not have lived up to what i could have been for you. May your own version of a higher power or a guardian angel watch over you and heal your physical and mental woes. I am sorry to have failed you. take good care and know that i will always be grateful for my time here and for those i have grown to know and care for as well as pledging my eternal empathy for those who suffer through these trials. thank you my dear dear friends.


----------



## Guest

Jerman - please rethink, and don't stay away from this forum. we are your friends, your cyber family, and a lot of us care deeply about you. deeply enough to not expect anything by way of input regarding the monitor role - but simply want you to stay part of this place.

right now you're the one needing support, and that is what we're here for. one day you will again be in a position to support others - and that's fine - it doesn't matter if you don't give advice for however long, you are still wanted and needed here.

i'm going to take off your Forum Monitor title temporarily, as i feel that is adding to your pressures right now, but it is yours whenever you feel ready to undertake the role again.

keep trucking, buddy, you're still on that bumpy ride, but it has to even out eventually.

((hugs))


----------



## D Bergy

Take care of yourself first.  The forum will take care of itself.  You have enough to deal with now, so let others take over for a while.

Dan


----------



## Astra

Dear Jer

Please don't apologise, and especially don't think you've failed in any way. These thoughts will only make you worse, no-one thinks any of that, we're big and ugly enough to take care of ourselves!
Just know that we're always here for you, and in time you can come back to give support and advice to the peeps!
We love you, we care, and we just want you to feel well again, in mind and in body.
Chat soon and take care
xxx


----------



## Welsh-bird

Jer,
You recently told me that no one can have enough friends- and we are all here for you, whenever you need us. The one good thing about this site, is that it allows members to pop in and out as they need, and that there's ALWAYS someone here to listen. Take the time that you need to heal, but PLEASE remember that we are always here.Nothing is expected from you, and in NO WAY have you failed us in anyway.
Will be thinking of you buddy,
Sending a HUGE hug and loads of love,
Andrea xx


----------



## Cat-a-Tonic

Oh, Jer, sorry to hear you sounding so down again.  You don't need to apologize for needing support right now, and we are all here for you!  Please feel free to vent or rant on here anytime and don't worry if you aren't able to reciprocate right now, we all understand you're going through an incredibly difficult time.  I hope things get better for you very soon.  I am glad to hear your therapist and job are both good things in your life right now.

With regards to your insurance being canceled & you not being able to get your anti-depressants, I recall there was another thread on the forum a little while ago with suggestions as to how to get meds without insurance.  Some good suggestions were to ask your doc if they have any free samples (most pharmaceutical companies give doctors tons of free samples to hand out), that might get you through until you can figure out a more permanent solution.  Another idea is to call the company that makes your meds, they may have a program where you can get free or discounted meds.  Good luck, I will keep you in my thoughts.  Sending hugs your way!


----------



## Jerman

dingbat said:


> Jerman - please rethink, and don't stay away from this forum. we are your friends, your cyber family, and a lot of us care deeply about you. deeply enough to not expect anything by way of input regarding the monitor role - but simply want you to stay part of this place.
> 
> right now you're the one needing support, and that is what we're here for. one day you will again be in a position to support others - and that's fine - it doesn't matter if you don't give advice for however long, you are still wanted and needed here.
> 
> i'm going to take off your Forum Monitor title temporarily, as i feel that is adding to your pressures right now, but it is yours whenever you feel ready to undertake the role again.
> 
> keep trucking, buddy, you're still on that bumpy ride, but it has to even out eventually.
> 
> ((hugs))


Thank you Suz, you have been an angel to me in so many ways i could never explain my feelings of gratefulness in just words. I am trying so very hard to stand tall and proud and will find my way once again, just do not know how right now. Ironically, the only place i feel safe in my own skin is when i am at work, although the folks i work with are labeled as the toughest in the entire agency, I feel able to direct and lead with a swagger and a sense of confidence that I know I am damned good at what I do. It also lends a bit of perspective that others have survived so much worse and are still standiing- and benefiting from my presence.


----------



## Jerman

D Bergy said:


> Take care of yourself first.  The forum will take care of itself.  You have enough to deal with now, so let others take over for a while.
> 
> Dan


Thank you Dan, you are always so sincere and direct, a strong and solid person and member of the family.


----------



## Jerman

Astra101 said:


> Dear Jer
> 
> Please don't apologise, and especially don't think you've failed in any way. These thoughts will only make you worse, no-one thinks any of that, we're big and ugly enough to take care of ourselves!
> Just know that we're always here for you, and in time you can come back to give support and advice to the peeps!
> We love you, we care, and we just want you to feel well again, in mind and in body.
> Chat soon and take care
> xxx


thank you Joanie, you are a beautiful and gentle soul, I love you all too, and will work hard to make you all proud. I am and have always been a bit of a captain comeback and will somehow do it again. bless you ya saucy brit!


----------



## Jerman

Cat-a-Tonic said:


> Oh, Jer, sorry to hear you sounding so down again.  You don't need to apologize for needing support right now, and we are all here for you!  Please feel free to vent or rant on here anytime and don't worry if you aren't able to reciprocate right now, we all understand you're going through an incredibly difficult time.  I hope things get better for you very soon.  I am glad to hear your therapist and job are both good things in your life right now.
> 
> With regards to your insurance being canceled & you not being able to get your anti-depressants, I recall there was another thread on the forum a little while ago with suggestions as to how to get meds without insurance.  Some good suggestions were to ask your doc if they have any free samples (most pharmaceutical companies give doctors tons of free samples to hand out), that might get you through until you can figure out a more permanent solution.  Another idea is to call the company that makes your meds, they may have a program where you can get free or discounted meds.  Good luck, I will keep you in my thoughts.  Sending hugs your way!


thanks Cat- great suggestions, I will work hard to fight through the bS beauracracy and be the best Jerman that I can be. Thank you sweetheart for your compassion and loyalty. ((((((hugs)))))))


----------



## Jerman

Ok so head is spinning a bit, the positive thing is that i am coming off of 3 days with my 3 babies. We saw gulliver's travels which had Alea 4, cian 10, colin 14, and Jerman 44- laughing our asses off for nearing the entire flick. Definately a warped group we are but it was hysterical. 

On the rough side of things, my daughters mother (? someday to be ex) has asked if I would be interested in going to counseling.....yep you really just read that. She has said that she still loves me and misses me, that maybe we could work towards reconciling. I do still love her, although there are many swirling emotions stemming from this long journey and the many trials I have had to face since my exile from my home and my princess & beautiful boys. Am I stupid to even consider this or is their hope for this head injured romantic? I still cry each time I drop of the three of the kids to their respective mother's home, as I do miss the way things were- especially having my babies in my life on a regular basis. I am not strong enough to have my heart stomped on again and am leery but still even after all that has been done have feelings- 9 years together doesn't just go away, although i have built a wall of anger for the past five months and had the illusion of healing buy hiding behind the wall. I know that I cannot let my boys go through another episode of exile in the case that things didn't work out due to all of the things I have shared since the beginning of this thread. I need your opinions and advice my friends. My head is all fogged in and I am stuck in a harbor of chaotic emotions. Please my friends, share your sage advice and be my shining lights again...


----------



## gypsigirl28

Jer, think things through and if this is something you truly want to give a try to then I suggest you start the counceling before making any sudden changes to see how you feel it will go first.  I dont want to see you hurt agian and want you to make the choice for the right reasons.  Loving someone does not just go away because things are not working out.  Whatever your decision may be, know that I am here for you and stand behind your decision.  everything happens for a reason and we all learn from our own choices.  maybe she has learned something from all of this as well.  Sometimes we dont know what we have until we dont have it anymore and therefore to get that back we make changes to ourselves.  maybe this is what she has realized.

Good luck my friend, I am always thinking about you..


----------



## dreamintwilight

Hey Jer!

Sorry I have been away from the forum for a while. I've been busy with work and making some changes/decisions regarding my future. Thank you for messaging me! 

I understand your concern and confusion with your ex-wife suggesting counseling. I have opinions on both sides of the spectrum about this. First, I want to say that whatever you decide, you should proceed with caution. It is obvious that this woman knows how to play with your emotions, so it would be difficult (as you have mentioned) if you put yourself in a position to get hurt again.

I do think it may be a step in the right direction for you two to try counseling. It's obvious that you both still have feelings for each other (nine years together, of course!)If she has suggested it, I am hoping that means she is open to the idea of change if you decide to continue a relationship together. If you do decide you want to try counseling, it may be helpful to go about it in the way that you are seeking to learn healthy ways of communicating with each other rather than necessarily looking to get back together. Whether you stay together or not, you both need to learn how to treat each other since your relationship with each other has an affect on the children as well. So, it is beneficial and important in that sense.

If you can establish healthy ways of communicating and interacting with each other, then and only then, do I think it would be safe to consider getting back together with her. It takes commitment and she has a history of tearing you down when things get tough. If she really wants things to work between you two, she will respect the need to establish a solid platonic relationship first.

I am a big believer in counseling and think it can be extremely effective when everyone involved is committed to it and open-minded. One-on-one counseling would be even better on top of the couples counseling (her most importantly). That way the counselor still knows whats going on individually as far as goals, priorities, and personal matters.

I think it's great that she suggested counseling because perhaps it means she's acknowledging the fact that an outside source of help is needed. 

Just proceed with caution. There has been a lot of trust lost between the two of you and it will take time to earn it back. I think it's better to try and realize you weren't meant to stay together than write someone off. But, I also do not know her as well as you. So, of course, you have to make the final decision (as you know). That's just my opinion based on everything you've shared with us about you guys.

I feel my response is scattered and unfocused, so I apologize if I repeated myself or am unclear.

Keep us posted!

P.S. You don't have to apologize for anything. The forum is a place for support, regardless of your title on the board! I agree with others - take care of yourself and the board will do the same!


----------



## Guest

ok, here's my thoughts Jer...

1. you want to be with your children.
2. you were heartbroken to think your marriage was over.
3. your wife has now said she loves you too, and is willing to work towards getting you all back together as a family.

Jer, you have nothing to lose by going along with it. you could actually gain everything, everything you want and have grieved for all this time - so it has to be worth a try. 

but be cautious.. don't assume it's going to work, just give it your best shot, and one last word of advice - if you don't like the counsellor you're given, ask to change after the first appointment. it's really important that the person giving advice on your marriage is someone you both like and trust.


----------



## Astra

And here's mine

move back in, be careful, stay calm, stay focused 
and if she kicks off, kick HER out!
and warn her, no more head games
Good luck, counselling can be the break or make, I hope it works for you both
These last 5 months have been horrendous, and yup, you've got nowt to lose!
xxx


----------



## Mountaingem

I think counselling is a great idea, but I think you need to make sure it's the right type. What I mean is, maybe counselling for the two of you individually, and then together in couples' couselling. That way, the therapist knows where both of you are coming from as individuals and as a couple, and what the best choices would be based on this info. 

This can help you in that you come to see individually what each of you want/need/expect from yourselves and your relationship with each other. 

Alot of the stuff you've gone through Jer erodes the trust and feeling of security in a marriage, and by going to individual and couples' couselling I think it will help both of you to address this and find a way to heal, and prevent repeating it down the road.

My best wishes to you and your future, wherever it leads I hope you will find the happiness you deserve!


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## DustyKat

To be honest I don't know what to say but it sure looks like you have received great advice so I would just like to wish you all the luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thinking of you, :hug::hug::hug:
Dusty


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## Jerman

I feel my response is scattered and unfocused, so I apologize if I repeated myself or am unclear.

Keep us posted!

P.S. You don't have to apologize for anything. The forum is a place for support, regardless of your title on the board! I agree with others - take care of yourself and the board will do the same! [/QUOTE]

Your response was anything but unclear or scattered, if we were closer together, I think we would be great pals. I too tend to think in a stream of consciousness, so how it comes out is just the way it is. Regardless of how we think and process our thoughts it is all good and I am grateful for my friendship and your advice to me. you have a friend for life and i wish you and hubby all of the happiness and health you can handle.


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## gypsigirl28

Hi Jer, hope everything is going good for you. Thinking about you as always.


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## Nytefyre

Jerman

I just wanted to say something about the quote you use.  Every time I see that quote in red, I have to stare at it for at least a minute, often more.  I have it scribbled down on various pads and pieces of paper laying around my computer.  So sad.  So triumphant!  So true.


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## Jennjenn

I feel so bad that you are going through this emotional rollercoaster. As far as counseling advice I would say like some others did, to try with caution. 

To at least try at reconciling might be a beneficial experience. I am not saying that it will be easy, because it probably wont be. If it works then you can start building up on everything that made you happy before. If it does not work, then you can at least say that you have done and tried every option and it was worth taking the time to try.


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## Jerman

Nytefyre said:


> Jerman
> 
> I just wanted to say something about the quote you use.  Every time I see that quote in red, I have to stare at it for at least a minute, often more.  I have it scribbled down on various pads and pieces of paper laying around my computer.  So sad.  So triumphant!  So true.


Thank you, I think you have some very profound quotes as well. Whatever gets us through  rite?


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## Jerman

gypsigirl28 said:


> Hi Jer, hope everything is going good for you. Thinking about you as always.


I am trying very hard, wishing good things for you and your family as well.


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## Jerman

Jennjenn said:


> I feel so bad that you are going through this emotional rollercoaster. As far as counseling advice I would say like some others did, to try with caution.
> 
> To at least try at reconciling might be a beneficial experience. I am not saying that it will be easy, because it probably wont be. If it works then you can start building up on everything that made you happy before. If it does not work, then you can at least say that you have done and tried every option and it was worth taking the time to try.


Thank you very much Jennjenn, some brief conversations she and i have had do not seem to lend to compromises and/or concessions. I am very guarded and anxious about the whole idea- torn apart, I obviously want to have my daughter in my life every day but simply cannot risk the magnitude of the emotional pain that a repeat performance of a re-exile would be devastating to myself and my children. I am also working on this with my therapist who is working with me "pro bono" (no charge) until my insurance is straightened out. Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice.


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## Mountaingem

Just want to send my best wishes to you Jer, whatever happens be assured we're all here for you!


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## gypsigirl28

HI Jer,,,, How is it going???? We have not heard from you in a bit. Hope everything is okay.  Take care my friend


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## Jerman

Hello my friends, I am not at all considering reconciling anymore. I spoke to my boys about their thoughts and my 11 year old just said "no way", my very profound 15 year old boy said, "Daddy it is like when you break a mirror into pieces, you can glue it back together, but you can never again see the truth of the reflection.." 

that remark plus the pain I still carry make me unwilling to subject my boys to the real possibility of having it all happen again. my heart is still in pieces but i will die before exposing my boys to that pain again. unfortunately, there is pain and sadness wherever one looks in this situation, as my beautiful little girl is still there. I cry every time i think about her and not being able to see her every day. I am doing the best that i think i am able but it is just not good enough for all my babies, it seems no matter which way i head, i hurt or neglect one or more of them, makes one feel like a real lousy person and an even worse father.:confused2::frown::frown::frown::frown::frown:


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## dreamintwilight

Jer - Your two boys sound like they have grown up to very thoughtful and wise young men. It's easy to want mom and dad to get back together, but they know the reality of what that would mean. It may take some time for your daughter to handle this sort of news, but she is lucky enough to have two brothers who will support you and your decision. As she gets older she will understand more.  Again, if things are meant to work out with you and your wife they will, regardless of time in between that you are apart. Yes, it is difficult to hurt people's feelings, but sometimes it's what we must do in order to do what's best for people. Write to your daughter, talk to her on the phone every chance you get, whatever it takes. Just because you aren't present doesn't mean you aren't present.  You are doing great! Don't give up!


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## ameslouise

Hey Jer- Just thinking of you and hope you're doing okay. 

Pop in to say hi, okay?

-Amy


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## Jerman

*Hiya my friends!!!*

thanks for the kind words Marisa, and Amy. I am happy to say that things are going really, really well. I moved back home after a six month hiatus-my wife and i have been talking for a few months and are going to go to couples counseling to make sure we do it right, but it has been about a week with a few sleepovers mixed in beforehand. and all is going very well. had the boys over today for a visit and it was like we never left, i have been blessed with a fresh start and we are both dedicated to making it work, i have a good but challenging job working with psychiatrically disabled men and a long commute but it is sure nice to be back home and feeling healthy to boot!  I don't get a chance to come on her much anymore and it bums me out to see so many people still suffering but i miss you all, i will try to be better about checking in and anyone who would like my email or facebook just pm me. I will always be grateful for the love and family i found here when my life was unraveling and nearly ending by my own hand. I am proud to say I am well, strong, and back as a new and improved jerman!!! Much love and wishes of good health to you all, this is the best single group i have ever been so honored to be a part of.


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## Crohn's 35

:mbh: Way to go Jer!!!!   So happy for ya, I knew that when you got your self together everything would fall into place, hard work and trusting yourself goes along way. Be good to you and be happy.  It is so nice to hear good news!!!  ::medal1: You deserve it!


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## ameslouise

Oh, Jer, that's so great!  I can't tell you how relieved I am.... you never know why people disappear for a while and I was really hoping it was for good reasons!

Good luck with the reconciliation with your wife. Sounds like you are both committed to doing it slowly, and right.

So happy for you! And great that you are feeling better too! 

Sometimes good things DO happen to good people!!

- Amy


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## Pirate

I have been in contact with Jerman on FB and already knew about his good news. Thought I'd let him tell it himself. Way to go Jer.


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## Jerman

Thank you all so very much! I owe a great deal of my recovery and the strength of my spirit to you folks, never ever giving up on me! Thank you with all of my heart.


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## Jerman

*Back in Hell!*

Hello my friends, I have been thrown out of my home once again. We had three weeks where everything seemed to be going wonderfully. Then my future ex had to go to maine to visit a dying relative. She was gone for three weeks and at the time was constantly thanking me for holding down the fort. We she returned, her disability claim was approved after years of trying. She may have also got an inheritance and was given a GMC Jimmy from her uncle before he passed. When i first came back I gave two full paychecks towards the cause, and thus put myself way behind with the bills i had accumulated while in exile from the home. It seems that she percieved me as a "cash cow" and when she didn't need my income anymore she insisted i leave again. At first i refused insisting that i was not going to leave my daughter again and also that i would not be able to have my boys visit what was once my home. I am currently somewhat homeless, staying in a fleabag motel and trying desparately to find somewhere affordable to live where i wont be ashamed to have my babies visit. 

Unfortunately, many of my past symptoms are back, stress related? Ya think?
I have lots of bathroom visits and pain, as well as a huge spike in both my anxiety and depression. Life really sucks right now, trying so very hard to be strong and am in counseling but i am in both physical and emotional pain that is very difficult to function with. I just can't believe just how much she has hurt me again, people can be so frikkin treacherous. :sign0085::frown:


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## mizgarnet

Jer- I am so sorry you are going thru this.  My lifestyle has been greatly changed.  I have gone from luxury car, big house, and no money woes to a little house needing much love and constant juggling of expenses.  When this all happened (divorce caused), I worried about my kids.  They were used to mommy having the finer things.  Their friends were in and out of my home.  My kids are grown and flown.  (Somedays I do miss those cuddles and hugs and somedays I am so glad and bursting with pride).  This is what the trio has told me.  They told me they did not care what my circumstances were or where I lived.  They only wanted me happy, healthy, and fun again.  Their friends still burst in the door shouting "Mommy" and head straight to my refrigerator.  My wonderful new hubby (never had kids) just shakes his head.  He is amazed at the bond my kids and I have.  They have already told him to be nice, they will be taking care of him in his old age (followed by evil laughs).  The point of this ramble is simple- your kids want to be with you no matter what.  Do not let your living conditions steal a single precious moment.  

Now on to the ex to be... well my Grandmother told me to be quiet if I could not be nice.  This is one of my quiet times.  

Sending you cyber hugs,
Wendy


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## dreamintwilight

Oh Jer...I am truly sorry to hear things have gone downhill again. I saw you were having health problems on Facebook and hoped it wasn't due to any problems going on in your personal life since they always seemed to coincide in the past. 

Even though it sucks, don't forget that at one time you held strong to the belief that it was worth it to give your ex one more shot. At least now you can move forward with your life knowing you gave it your all!

Wendy has some great advice. Your kids will love you no matter what. I do understand wanting to be in a place where they feel safe and at home though, but don't beat yourself up about it. It takes time to get on your feet. You've done it several times before. you can do it again! I know your kids look at their dad as a man of strength and determination.  Don't forget it!

How is work going?

Glad to hear you are still in counseling. That is essential for you and really helped you out during the other dark times in your life. 

We're here for you!


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## Jer's Girl

Jer, as I told you a long time ago, my bond with my Dad was never broken by money problems, my mom trying to turn me against him, or anything else!  I always knew that he loved me and was proud of me, and it always gave me strength and was more than enough!  I'm sure your kids feel the same way.  

Thinking of you buddy.  I'm sorry that this is happening to you.  Try to stay positive.


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