# Crohns and Marriage Don't Mix Well



## subiecubed (Aug 1, 2012)

Hello all, my name is Mike.  I'm new to the forum but have been diagnosed with Crohn’s for about 5 years now.  I'm 32 years old and live in Central Pennsylvania.  After my diagnosis, I realized I had symptoms for many years before I was diagnosed.  Throughout my teenager years, I almost immediately had to use the bathroom after eating at restaurants, I had diarrhea very often, and stomach cramping.  It wasn't until a fistula appeared that I really looked into what was wrong with me.  Doctors were confused and didn't know what to make of it.  My PCP said that it was just an ingrown hair that got infected.  He prescribed some antibiotics and told me to take warm baths.  After about a month, nothing changed and the fistula continued to drain and the pain was unbearable at times.  My PCP sent me off to a general surgeon to get a closer look at the problem area.  After the procedure, the surgeon said that the area was infected and needed more time to heal.  Thanks for all the helpful info doc (that was sarcasm).  It didn't seem like they had a clue what was going on with me.  My symptoms persisted for many months until my PCP sent a referral to a GI doc.  After getting probed in nearly all areas, it was confirmed that I had Crohn's disease.  It only took 2 years after I initially got my first fistula that I was officially diagnosed. 

Things started getting better after I was diagnosed.  I was really upset at the time but happy that I was finally able to get treatment.  At first they started me on Asacol to help with inflammation.  That didn't do much for my symptoms.  Then I was put on Imuran which significantly improved my daily life but I was still getting occasional flare-ups which we noticed correlated to stressful times.  At that point, I was put on Citalopram to help with my anxiety.  To this day I think my main cause for flare-ups is stress.  Most recently, I was prescribed Ultram for muscle and joint pain.  

I know this is not a marriage forum but I know that I can't be the only one that is having issues with their significant others.  I could really use some advice/support on this topic.  My wife and I have been married for 14 years (yes, I married when I was young).  We have 3 awesome kids.  During the time before I was diagnosed, my Wife was kind and helpful.  She understood that I was frustrated, confused, and scared.  After the diagnosis, things started changing slowly.  My attitude in life changed.  I became more laid back.  This helped with my symptoms significantly but my wife didn't like my change.  She thought I was "slacking off".  I feel that I’m a very reasonable and fair husband.  I help around the house significantly.  I do laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, mop, wash dishes, mow the lawn, shovel snow…etc.  I even occasionally cook but I’m not nearly as good as she is   (I do most of the grilling in the summer though).  So obviously the problem wasn’t that I didn’t help around the house.  The problem was that I didn’t do things exactly when she wanted them done.   She would get mad at me because I was too sick to do anything and she would be stuck doing everything.  I tried explaining to here that I would help when I feel better but that doesn’t help when she wants things done at her schedule.  This went on for some time until it went too far.  We got a marriage counselor and tried working things out.  I actually had to convince her to go see a counselor.  She didn’t want to go.  She didn‘t like what the counselor was saying to her.  All of the issues were mainly put on her and she was even told that she might have OCD but refused to take the test.  Things got out of hand and so I left her.  This was last year.  

We were separated for 3 months.  During those 3 months, my wife got individual counseling and we continued marriage counseling.  I just couldn’t live in the same house during that time because she was just making my symptoms worse.  After getting back together we continued counseling for quite a few weeks.  We still go every few months.   Things were going well with the exception of the past few weeks.  I started having issues again this summer.  This time I was tired all the time, and my joints and muscles ached significantly.  Every time I would be too tired to do something she would get mad at me.  She told me things like “just get over it” and “you know, it could be worst”.  These things just make me angry at her.  I know it’s difficult for her to deal with me in my condition but I’m not sure if I can take it anymore.

Any suggestions?


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## ctrl z (Aug 1, 2012)

Hey, there.

I'm really sorry you are having to deal with Crohn's on top of having a spouse that isn't understanding. Myself and many others here know how that feels having been in similar situations.

I hope it all works out and your relationship with her can be salvaged but you need to do what is best for your health so you can continue being a great father to your three awesome kids 

Where is your Crohn's located and what medication are you taking? Have you been tested for vitamin and mineral deficiencies? (B12, vitamin D, iron) 

These are commonly low in people with Crohn's disease and can contribute to feelings of weakness and tiredness.


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## subiecubed (Aug 1, 2012)

I don't want to be selfish but how can I be with somebody that makes my symptoms worse.  There's no way I'm giving up yet but was hoping somebody had some suggestions to help.  My wife agreed to go back to individual counseling and she is also using friends to help her get through her issues.  She has lots of support but it seems she needs constant support or she goes back to her old ways.  My parents divorced when I was young and I hated that so I don't want to do that to my kids.  When my wife and I were separated for 3 months, I missed them so badly.  I got to see them once or twice a week but I don't want to miss out on the daily life with my kids.  They are probably the main reason I keep on fighting for my marriage. 

My ileum is the main affected area.  I'm on the following meds:
Asacol
Imuran
Citalopram
Ultram

I've was tested recently and all my tests come back normal.   My GI doc usually requests blood work 3-4 times a year and includes tests on my vitamin levels.  The only test that regularly comes back abnormal is my "LOW SENSITIVITY CRP" is high.  My vitamin B12 was 739 pg/ml (which is actually on the higher side of normal).


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## nikimazur (Aug 1, 2012)

I know ow stressful crohns can be on a relationship. When first diagnosing, my fiancé at the time left me because he could not deal with the medical issues/ emotional changes I was going through at the time. It's not just a disease that affects your physical body, but has so many emotional side effects as well. Something that has helped my family members and I, is going to support groups. I know that both of you are extremely busy, but just even going to one, seeing other peoples struggles with the disease, puts it into a totally different perspective. It was a real eye opener to see just how difficult this disease is to deal with, and that you are not the only one out there who is having troubles. Just a suggestion though. Hope things get better.


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## tots (Aug 1, 2012)

I have had Crohns my whole life.
I was diagnosed at 28. I married my
high school boyfriend. I think am pretty
damn tough. I was in the hosp 8 days. The
day after I got out I went to work the next day. 
He says dont push to hard. Ha! He is mad at me because
I dont do enough around the house. Maybe not- but,
I am making money we need badly and take our youngest 
to all his activities. Tried therapy too, not worth it. They arent
changing me fast enough. He can kiss off right now for all I care.

I do the best I can for me because I am the only one who will right now!

I hope things turn around for you soon!



Lauren


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## j.bug (Aug 2, 2012)

I dont know that I can be of much help but to say I have been in a similar situation. I married a wonderful man after 2 yrs of dating. We married only just before I got sick. We went through rocky times, I was always sick, and moody, and he had to support us. We had to move closer to my family and leave  his because I needed my support. Talk about being selfish right?!?! 
Anyway we separated about a yr later. I was not yet diagnosed. I was set on divorce. It was him that convinced me to go to counseling, this ended in me wanting a divorce. I was sick and in and out of the hospital for weeks and I felt like he only cared about himself. 
After 8 months, divorce papers filed and paid for, we gave it another go. He has been by my side since, and I have only just recently been diagnosed as of May. He has been great, but he is tired. We have no kids but our dogs, and I sometimes worry he has no real ties holding him down. Why would he want to stay??? 
I guess my only advice is to do what feels right. Nobody can know what is right or wrong. And we dont have a guaranteed tomorrow. You know what you feel somewhere in  you. Feel it out. 
Hope I could be of some help


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## BadGut (Aug 2, 2012)

Um....not sure how much help I can be with any of this...but to say the local support groups are great!  I have had Crohn's in my Ilium since I was 13 and well my husband and I have now been together for 6 years and I'm not sure he fully understand the disease.  He is a lot better now than he was, but it took a flare-up last year for him to fully understand.  I, however, am the one that is always on him to help out around the house and to pick up after himself.  He would tell you that he gets tired of my moods and my "schedule" as well (must be a girl thing?) but I really notice it when I'm feeling down and tired.  The house starts to clutter and this 1300 sq ft house with a 4yr., 5yr., husband and me...well gets very tight very quickly.  Anyway, I get very moody and upset wanting to leave when I am feeling sick and am seeking counseling now.  
But it was the support groups that helped us and him understand the full effect of the disease because then he understood that it wasn't just me being *itchy but that my disease does affect my emotional state.
Good Luck,


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## vocalcitizen (Aug 4, 2012)

Mike,

First off, let me express sympathy for your condition. It sounds like you've been through a lot. And you're right - stress plays a big part in flare ups. That being said, I submit to you that Crohn's rarely just infects the patient... it infects the family as a whole. 

Look at it this way: your wife and children are used to having you as you WERE. That is who they have always known. Now, they still love you and want to help, but your explanations and your doctors' notes are not enough to explain why the husband and dad they've always treasured has changed... causing their own stress. 

Likely, they just want to help... especially your wife. By taking her hand and looking into her eyes and telling her that you realize this disease is affecting her too may just be a wonderful and effective starting point for the healing of your marriage. 

Start with a support group for Crohn's patients. Perhaps listening to the stories of others in person... where she can see their eyes and stress and (yes) hope, she may begin to understand a portion of what you're going through.

There are books as well as websites devoted to the spouses of Crohn's patients.

When both you and your wife come to terms with the huge change in your marriage, you both can steel your resolve that Crohn's may have altered the dynamics of your day-to-day married life, but it doesn't have to affect your love for one another.

Good luck, Mike.


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## ddevanie (Aug 23, 2012)

I am so sorry that you are having trouble in your marriage my first husband was not very supportive and that marriage ended (we had two kids) now I have been married 8 years to a man who has stood by me through back surgery and my crohns diagnosis along with the aches and pains that go along with it not to mention my arthritis and fibro pain. Please do whatever you need to do to stay healthy.:ysmile:


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