A Doctor, a Finger, and my Butt.

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Gypsy

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"OK, I need to put my finger in your butt."

"But doc we just met."

"Funny, turn on your side and pull your jeans down."

"I really don't want your finger in my butt."

"You should know that when you visit your gastro. this is fairly common."

"My last gastro kept his fingers out of my butt."

"I need to check for blood."

"I haven't seen any blood and I look all the time. It's the red stuff. Nope, haven't seen any. If I see some I'll call you."

"It might be microscopic. It's important for me to check."

"I don't want your finger in my butt."

"I'm going to put my finger in your butt."

"Well, if you put it that way then poke away." I turned on my side and reluctantly slid my jeans down. My body temperature rose and my armpits became moist. I really have an aversion to fingers in my butt.

Now, I've had fingers in my butt before. All for medical purposes. And I've had tubes in my butt. Again for medical purposes. And I've had cameras in my butt. Strictly medical. I have never enjoyed the insertion of any of these objects into my rectum. I would prefer having my blood drawn or getting a shot with the longest needle any day. My general policy is that my back door is exit only. No offense to others who have different policies but I make my butt rules and that's my biggest rule.

The fact that my new gastro. doctor wanted to put her finger in my butt was also complicated by the fact that she was indeed a HER. My previous gastro. of ten years was a jovial Jewish man who rarely inquired as to the status of my butt, and never demanded insertion of any limbs, not even a pinky. Not only is my new gastro. a woman. But she is in fact quite attractive and with a good sense of humor, a trait I have also found alluring.

"You're going to feel some lube it will be cold and slimy."

"I've heard that before."

"Ha." Wow, I made her laugh. This was the first time I've ever made a woman laugh who was about to put a finger in my butt.

"Please, know that I am not going to like this."

"You know that you live in West Hollywood now right?"

"Funny, do you get paid by the joke or by the...Ughhhh!"

"And I'm in..."

"Ughhh...ergg...glagugughhh..."

"Are you OK. I mean are you in severe pain?"

"Nah, just uncomfy, but you're better than the last finger."

"Aw, thanks."

"Um...you're very welcome."
 
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Yeah, the prostate exam or rectal exam ain't on my list, either. But there are times when, welllll, at least you expect they might happen. Something that took me completely by surprise was a visit to a GI who decided that something more was indicated. Ever seen those disposable clear plastic scopes? I'd never seen one before, AND I wasn't expecting or prepared to have that inserted in me. But in it went... and it's larger than your average finger. Not an experience I care to relive... So, keep a sharp eye out for these instruments of torture on your next gastro visit; and at first sight, head for the nearest exit.
 
hehe gypsy, you've got me giggling here. if there was ever a funny side to butt-excavation, you found it lol
 
Here's a crude afterthought. I wonder if someone could contract their sphincter so tight that a finger couldn't be withdrawn. Sort of, let's all play 'trap the doctor'.
 
lol

Kev when I was in the hospital my butt was so tight that the doctors couldn't even get their fingertips in there and although I was glad they weren't able to go deeper I was a little annoyed since that caused me to spend a week there. I think my butt has a radar for that kind of stuff or is it just inflammation.:)
 
Kev said:
Here's a crude afterthought. I wonder if someone could contract their sphincter so tight that a finger couldn't be withdrawn. Sort of, let's all play 'trap the doctor'.
Click to expand...

LOL! Ah...revenge!
 
It sounds like you have a new friend. Next time you can chime in: "When do you get off work?" You don't need just a doctor-patient relationship forever. :allright:

The idea of a cute GI playing down there doesn't bother me anywhere near the time I had an ER doctor that looked like a bald Henry the 8th in a hawaiian shirt and lab coat. He walks into the room slapping on his glove with a bottle of lube in his other hand and explains what he's about to do to check for blood and so smart as I am; I chime in with:

"Wait, could I just give you a stool sample?"

"Really? That would be great. Do you have to go now?"

"Oh, definitely. I've been holding it."

"You really have to go?"

"Yep."

Of course I didn't need to go but I sulked off to the bathroom with my plastic hat and managed to squeeze out over the course of 45 minutes to an hour something the size of a thumb. Luckily they only needed one sample the size of a Q-tip so it was enough. The doctor came in chuckling and congratulating me on my last minute genius move.
 
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Of course, as someone who sticks fingers up butts professionally (and enemas too!), I assure you it's very disgusting. Especially the feeling of it when there's feces near the opening. All gooey and squishy. :puke_r:
 
Well, I thought I was the King of TMI, but I'll tip my plastic sombrero to Colt, who has just 'dethroned' me.

My dad was a practical joker; and extremely lovable, which is probably how he'd get away with stunts like the following (swear to God, this is a true story). He'd been hospitalized on a number of occasions for bleeding gastric uclers. On this particular visit, he'd smuggled in with him one of those realistic looking fake poops... A nurse came to collect a stool sample. Dad said he'd use a bedpan, and leave it covered in the communal bathroom in the ward he was in. Since it was common practice, the nurse didn't suspect a thing. Anyway, once she is out of sight, Dad digs out the fake stool, plops it in the bedpan, pours in some water and a little tissue, then covers it and leaves it in the bathroom, leaving the door ajar just so. Later, in comes the nurse, and Dad tells her the stool sample is ready.. In a minute she's back with a little paper cup N wooden stick.
She attempts, discretely, to scoop a lil poop into the cup with the stick. no go. Everytime she tries to slice off some, it would skate around the bedpan thanks to the water. She repeats the attempt two or three more times before a light comes on, and she realizes she's been had. In the meantime, Dad and all of his wardmates ARE doubling over, trying not to laugh out loud AND give it away. I wouldn't EVER attempt to try any of Dad's shennanigans... I don't have 1/10 of his charm; and besides... the workload on nurses now is different from what it was then. I only wish he'd had a videocamera at the time (didn't exist back then)..
 
hehe kev, your dad sounds like a great guy :D

my funniest rectal story was when i was a patient in hospital, was having a lovely sleep with the curtains drawn round the bed.. suddenly they were opened by this giant of a doctor - all i could see through one sleepy open eye was a big grin, a pair of rubber gloves, and a pair of gigantic hands holding said gloves.. he announced he was going to do a rectal examination on me. no way jose. various increasing in volume refusals from me, and suffice to say.. he didnt. but i had to agree to sign that i'd refused medical advice.... lol. turned out i had an ovarian cyst so it would've been unnecessary anyway. duh!
 
My surgeon had hands the size of a baseball mitt. I am glad he did not want any Butt poking. He looked more like an Iron Worker than a Surgeon, but he was one of the best. How he could do delicate surgery with those huge ham hocks is beyond me.

When my wife was having one of our children, this Amazon nurse would come in to see how she was dilating. She had bigger hands than me, and mine are pretty big. My wife would cringe when she came in the room.

Dan
 
OK, here's a question for the ladies of the forum who've had a rectal and a pelvic. Given a choice, which of these is your least favourite? Like, none of us men will ever know what a pelvic feels like, but even w/o IBD, the rectal is something ALL men will undergo. I know it's apples and oranges, but do we have a consensus amongst the fairer sex as to which of the two is the lesser of two evils...
 
I don't want to be Mr. Pink.

This episode was actually the least comfortable I've had when it comes to these regards.

I had to have a small rectal surgery due to complications with Crohn's several years back. The surgery was relatively painless given that I was sedated. However, the diagnosis involved much back-door examination.

My rectal surgeon's name was Dr. Brown. I honestly couldn't make that up. When I
first met him I brought up this humorous coincidence. He failed to see the connection
and gave me a lecture on the wide rainbow spectrum of the coloration of poop.

I guess he never saw Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs."
 
Kev said:
OK, here's a question for the ladies of the forum who've had a rectal and a pelvic. Given a choice, which of these is your least favourite? Like, none of us men will ever know what a pelvic feels like, but even w/o IBD, the rectal is something ALL men will undergo. I know it's apples and oranges, but do we have a consensus amongst the fairer sex as to which of the two is the lesser of two evils...
Click to expand...


not that i relish either of the two alien probings.. but i'd opt for an internal over a rectal any day. having said that, i could relate horror stories on that score too lol.

kev, is there a third option, like a cup of hot chocolate & a good book? coz i'd rather have gone for that one lol
 
Dare I say I'm so used to it by now it doesn't bother me. I did have an ER doc once say after I had already got back into my clothes that he was sorry but he had to do one more test as the rubber gloves came on and I said hey dude whatever its your finger not mine.
 
Also be suspicious if both his hands are on your shoulders while performing the procedure.

A coworkers wife is seeing a Dr. Beaver. Guess what his specialty is?

Dan
 
Debate on which is worse front or back !

OK kev, you guys are so funny i get such a laugh reading some of the post's, but in anwser to your question to the woman on the forum re-garding which is worst front or back debate, i have to give an anwser because i always think men have got it easy as far as pointing the finger(lol),anyway it has to be the front not that any of it is realy nice, but has to be done. Some of my friends say there is no way they would let anyone put there finger in that hole but i say if it has to be done then why fight it.
 
That was amusing, but *shudders* a horrible reminder of when I've had to have it done. Its much to painful. I've only had it done twice...and luckily not in the last 2 almost 2 years.
From feeling both the horrible 'examination', and a colonoscopy with sedation that didn't kick in until AFTER the scope was complete..I think I'd choose the felt-everything colonoscopy.

~ Lisa ~
 
Thanks for the input ladies. Just to clear up any confusion, I'm not trying to balance the scales of life for men N women... It's more an self educational thing.. Like, if a woman who doesn't have IBD and never had a rectal exam asked what it was like, I can now honestly answer that women who've had both rate it worse than a pelvic.

and, in response to Dan's question, think I've got it figured out. He's a vet, right?

And, on a semi serious slant for a mo... is it just me, or is a rectal typically a case of ...glove, lube, then plunge right in? I mean, I'm not expecting the doc (don't matter the gender) to buy me dinner first; but I don't ever recall any doctor who tried to... calm me, relax me... or at least critical portions of me. I would hope, tho not be surprised if it weren't the case; that drs doing pelvics took at least a little bit of time to allow a patient to acclimate to the exam 1st.
 
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i think it depends on the bedside manner of the person performing the examination. thankfully, the last 2 rectals i've had done have, i suppose, been as bearable as could be.. i've learned its crucial to tell docs exactly how i'm feeling emotionally as well as painfully, about the impending examination. lol its impossible to type about this subject without unintentional double entendres - i was about to say my GI consultant & i go back a long way (haha) and i feel pretty comfortable with him.

similarly with pelvic examinations.. depends on the person doing it. the worst, worst, worst bit for me is without question the cold metal cranking up thing they insert.. {{shudder}} after that, the rest of it kinda fades into insignificance lol. typically yes, the doc/nurse will chat and joke with me while i try to reciprocate, all the time my eyes are dilating watching her snap on the plastic gloves and get the KY ready... but there always comes a point where it goes something like..."yeah, we're thinking of going to spain this yeeuuuughhhh.........." then silence while i hold my breath, think of england, and try not to say anything too insulting as i'm told "now just relax". lol
 
Welll, here's a thought. Some OB/GYN's or other docs who typicaly perform pelvic exams WILL, if you request (politely insist) ...offer to use a plastic speculum; and may offer to use a childrens speculum IF a person has a particular problem relaxing...
 
I would rather have a pelvic exam every week for a year than have one rectal exam.
I hold my breath the whole time - my butt does NOT want anything in there!!
Maybe if I had a baby out my a$$ that would be different. But until that happens - I will not like rectal exams. It sucks that my colorectal surgeon is cute too. My gastroenterologist has never gone there. Is that odd?

And the speculum? My doctor does a nice warming breath on it before insertion. It's not cold at all.
(not true)
 
dingbat said:
think of england,
Click to expand...

You use this figure of speech too? I thought the rest of the world 'thought of England' during stressful/uncomfortable times, and you Brits thought of, oh, I don't know...Mars?
 
On the girls question I agree with all comments so far. Will cope with the enevitable pelvic every 3-5yrs (depending on age) way way way above a scope or finger of any kind via my trap door!

Hey DB you need my practice nurse she warms the speculum every time in warm sterile water yay!

Lets face it though its dealing with the lesser of the evils isnt it...
 
they do plastic speculums? now that i didnt know.

yeah, benson, its is an odd saying, but apparently it is of uk origin, according to wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie_back_and_think_of_England

lol - "I am happy now that George calls on my bedchamber less frequently than of old. As it is, I now endure but two calls a week, and when I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, close my eyes, open my legs and think of England."


jan - you have a very nice practice nurse! my weirdest compliment ever was during one of these 'inspections' and i was told my cervix was beautiful. strangely, i felt really proud...... :roflanim:
 
Couple of thoughts. Not that knowledge of speculums (plastic or otherwise) is my forte', as it were... But, apparently some docs do use them ... as they're a.) disposable OR b.) clear see thru plastic enables a more complete exam/view. So some plastic ones ARE re-usable... How they are sterilized I don't know, and what plastic is in them???? That's a good question. See my couple of points post about BPA's.

As for 'warming up a speculum'... doesn't a doc's breathing on it to warm it up circumvent the whole (and no, that's neither a typo nor a double entendre)... sterilization process? And, not disputing the beauty of your inner parts, but are you quite sure the term used was 'beautiful'?.. and not acute, by any chance? Very similar sounding phrases having totally different interpretations, right?

As for the compliments in inappropriate places/circumstances, I guess it sort of depends. I once had a very preggers doc compliment me on my physique and build.... considering I was naked and she was knocked up, it did throw me for a bit of a loop. But one that was even more nerve rattling was during an eye exam. Male doctor, but extremely effeminate (sp?) just could NOT stop paying me compliments on the beauty of my eyes. Now, I don't have a problem with any ones sexual persuasion; but I really felt uncomfortable with why the 'beauty' of my eyes should make any difference in an eye exam. Never went back there!!
 
In large part putting things up your bum is being intentionally made less comfortable. Understand that at least where I work everyone considers males uncontrollable rape machines. So, when I mess with someone's bum I can't exactly use a warming lube and massage my way in without being reported by either the patient or a coworker and being arrested. So, I dive right in as quick as possible and without any mercy so that I'm in and out so fast that no one can accuse me of enjoying it.
 
hehe kev, in my book any compliment is worth accepting gratefully :D

yeah, that was the phrase.. i asked if everything was ok in there (lol) and that was her reply. made us both smile.

hmm your comment about the nurse breathing on the speculum.. yes i would imagine it kinda takes away the sterile factor.
 
Yeah, like.. a stethoscope is one thing... I mean, just be thankful no one complains about 'cold' thermometers. Or bedpans... (course, they're all plastic nowadays)..

As for compliments... I think men are trained, like Pavlov's dogs. Compliments that receive a 'how dare you, I'll file a sexual harrassment suit' probably aren't repeated.. OK, kidding to some degree. But, in real life situations, compliments that receive NO response... likely die on the vine shortly thereafter. On the other hand, those that get a BIG smile, or a hug, or a touch.. they bear fruit!! And those that get a ... 'oh, yeah, what's he fishing for' OR 'yeah, but hes just my b/f, (or hubby, significant other, what have you) OR 'he's just a man, WHAT does he know?'... Welll, that's another slow, insidious poison. Any gal who is of the opinion that compliments are scarce in their lives; they just don't know the proper response needed to propogate the lil buggers. Not a compliment in return; then it becomes a game of one upmanship. No, visual contact, or best of all, physical contact... those will get you compliments in the bushel load, OK?

There, time to shed my Ann Landers costume.. or is it Dear Abby?
 
ok.. i need to have an eye test.. i thought you said Anne Summers costume, for a minute :D


do you think this thread deserves the "Most Off Topic" thread award? lol
 
Welll, I've been guilty of that on more than one occasion... but I was curious about the rectal vs pelvic comparison. and, when you stop and consider the title..

it sort of sounds like the beginning of a joke you hear while drinking.. you know "A doctor, a finger and my butt walk into a bar" OR "a doctor, a finger N my butt are out in a boat fishing" OR "A doctor, a finger and my butt were on a blind date" Well, I'll leave it up to others to fill in the punch lines (apologies to all, not ridiculing the poster - but you got to admit, it does sound wonky)..

BTW, haven't a clue who Anne Sommers is? Not a page 3 girl by chance???
 
i darent put the link up kev... but if you type in anne summers uk, in google, you'll see what i mean. sorry, i forget that we're all from different corners of the world.
 
Gees, you guys were all joking about having the thing checked..

When I was in the hospital last Monday/Tuesday, the doctor I saw on Tuesday told me he wanted to do a 'rectal exam'. BUT I told him .. I've been having off and or dark/bloody stools for more than 2 years, and have already learned to live with it, so don't bother because it's nothing new.

THANK GOD he listened to me. (but then I was tortured with other tests).

~ Lisa ~
 

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