Appropriate Discipline?

[Anon201]

I'm going anonymous for this one since it's a touchy subject. My daughter with UC is 7 and her little sister is 2. They have been bickering a lot lately and being pretty awful to each other. I get frustrated, but I try to keep in mind that the older one is on steroids and doesn't feel good. I usually just take away TV time if she's acting badly. My husband's usually a pretty good guy. He works a lot, so I handle 95% of the child care and disciplining of children. I'm probably a little too soft on the kids, but I am consistent and won't take away TV privileges for a week, then give them back a couple of days later.

Yesterday my husband was so frustrated with the girls that he told them he was going to spank them both if they started fighting again. First of all, I'm not a big fan of spanking. It's just a very last ditch effort for me--like if I had a kid cursing in my face. I took him aside and told him not to spank them--if he felt like he had to do something, slap the older one's leg or something. I said that she's been so sick and I don't want to hurt anything, since her colon is pretty close to the bottom he would be spanking. He got mad and said spanking her bottom isn't anywhere near her colon, and she would be fine.

I got really upset and went and talked to my older daughter and pleaded for her to behave so she didn't get a spanking. Was he out of line? What should I do for the next time a problem like this comes up? I don't want the older one to be a brat, but she's on massive doses of steroids so of course she is acting out, but I still don't feel spanking is appropriate for just bickering with your sister. I think all sisters bicker some!

 

[DanceMom]

My girls have been bickering a lot lately. A has CD (though she's feeling well for the moment) and my 5 y.o. has OSA (but getting adenoids revised this week). I've been fairly lenient with them considering they both haven't felt their best. When they get too out of line I just separate them and give them some time to themselves to calm down.

I think you and your husband need to come to an agreement about how you want to handle this situation. I think there is more than one right way to work things out.

 

[Tesscorm]

I agree with DanceMom in that you and your husband have to come to some agreement re discipline but, it is tough sometimes...

My two were closer in age than yours so what I did may not be as effective... especially with just a two year old (but maybe worth keeping in mind for the future).

I would make my two sit in the dining room, non-arm chairs pulled out from the table (no leaning and not very comfortable) and would tell them they had to sit there until they resolved the issue between the two of them - whether that took 5 minutes or 5 hours and if it ran into their bed time, well so be it, certainly no extensions on bed time... (never came to this ). 99% of the time, it worked. Sometimes I had to 'balance' the outcome (stronger personality vs. the more accommodating one), but usually not.

And, if they're bickering over something repeatedly (ie computer, etc.)...

I also once had them write up a contract (they wrote it in crayons! :lol and sign it over nintendo use! :yfaint: I sat with the two of them and we came up with rules and 'exceptions' to the rules (ie Em's 'day' with the nintendo but under what circumstances could Stephen use it on her day, etc.). This contract was a Godsend!!! I had it posted on the fridge for years and they often referred to it and no one argued if the rule was written in 'crayon'!

I know we have had discussions regarding discipline, spoiling, etc. when your child has crohns... I found one thread that might be of interest to you.

http://www.crohnsforum.com/showthread.php?t=39573&highlight=spoil+kids

 

[Anon201]

Thanks for the help and the link! The chair thing reminded me that my mom used to make my brother and I hug in the front yard if we were fighting. I was so embarrassed someone from my high school might see, it ended fights pretty quick!

 

[Tesscorm]

:rof: OMG, wish I'd thought of that!

 

[Amy2]

I'm sure your family is under a lot of stress and I can empathize, but I don't believe in spanking/slapping for any reason and I really can't imagine spanking a child who is genuinely sick and feeling poorly.

In no way am I saying this to be insulting, but have you considered parenting classes?
Personally, I think they should be mandatory for all parents.

I hope things work out for you guys.

 

[Johnnysmom]

I will say that my son lost it a lot when he was on steroids. We jokingly called it 'roid rage' and I think it helped all of us remember that he needed a little extra grace. And we reminded our daughter that she needed to be aware that teasing someone who is clearly struggling to keep a hold on their emotions was just plain mean. Your problem is that a 2 year old just isn't able to understand all of that. I would think spanking would not be the best solution. A chronically ill child with medications that effect her emotions needs some coping tools so she can feel when she is going to lose it and find an appropriate way to react. I know they offered my son counseling at the hospital. It was something that our insurance covered, maybe you could look into that?

I feel for you, watching your child struggle like that is so hard. The good news is she will be back to her old self once the steroids are stopped. And yes, I think it is completely normal for lots of bickering among sisters!

 

[crohnsinct]

Wow! Can I first just say that I am flattered that you think we are all such good parents that you are seeking our advice!

Second, boy have you hit on a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand the bickering and when it is a child so much older than a younger sibling, sick or no,t I expect them to be more mature. HA! Not that my expectations are met even half the time around my house mind you. I had 5 years between my first two and 4 between number 2 and 3 so I am no stranger to the age difference and the frustration a toddler can envoke on a 7 or 11 year old!

O has been pretty steady with moods but at one point got super cranky (cleaned up here) and we had a rip roaring arguement. I told her that what she has to go through certainly sucks but ya know what a lot of things in life suck and she may NOT take it out on others.

I am not fundamentally against or pro a slap here or there. It worked wonders for my mother. For me it doesn't work and just makes the situation deteriorate.

The best thing for me to do at the first sign of trouble is to calmly walk in and just say, "look you two obviously can't get along together so please just go to your respective rooms and cool off". They always try to pull me in but I just keep the cool mom exterior (scares the crap out of them) and repeat, "not interested in the specifics, not punishing anyone, just please separate".

My husband and I have a similar situation. I handle all the discipline, education, health issues etc. Occassionally he trys to step in to discipline and mucks it all up. I used to think he had little patience until I realized sometimes he was reacting to my venting throughout the day, week or whatever and was just blowing up. It isalso hard for them because when they get home and see their precious pots acting that way they haven't had the benefit of seeing all the cute darling things they did all day and their view is skewed. Tough situation all around.


I rather like Tesscorms solution but my kids would sit there all day and I would have to be in there making sue no one slouched etc so who gets punished? ME! I also like your mother's solution think I might adapt it to my girls but it has to be more severe because we live on a busy road and people wiz by too fast.

Good luck!

 

[Mehita]

I think the key is to figure out what the root of the bickering is. With my boys (4 years difference, older one has CD), it's usually that they're bored or have spent too much time with each other. I make them do push ups, laps around the house, jump rope... whatever. It helps blow off steam and then they move on. Now that my older son is starting to experience the ups and downs of puberty, he sees his room as a retreat from his brother so we recently said each of their rooms is off limits to the other w/o permission. I don't know if this is good or bad, but they seem to like having a place to be brother-free.

Personally, I'm not one for spanking. My parents did it too often and I can't say I learned anything from it except to be scared all the time. Even today I still feel like I'm always walking on eggshells around my dad and it just makes me resent him. Just my two cents.

 

[momoftwinboys]

The chair thing reminded me that my mom used to make my brother and I hug in the front yard if we were fighting. I was so embarrassed someone from my high school might see, it ended fights pretty quick!

That is AWESOME! Will be borrowing that. We have "bicker brothers" here. We have been known to have them do pushups as well or send them to different floors of the house. The thing they hate and that stops them relatively quickly... "If you have that much energy to burn, we need to use it productively...15 minutes cleaning your rooms" (or basement, whichever needs it more) They manage to figure out a truce sooner than later and I get 15 (rarely 30 minutes, never get to 45 minutes) of cleaning done. :ylol:

Not sure that works very well, for younger ones.

 

[jmckinley]

Okay, I only have 1 child, so I am not qualified to give advice on sibling bickering. I DID however see a cool idea online. Take a white t-shirt, like an xlarge and write the "We will get along" shirt on the front of it. When they fight make them both get in the shirt...both heads coming out of the head hole and only 1 arm exposed. Now, my brothers would have killed each other inside of the shirt, but maybe....

I do agree about getting on the same page with your husband. My son knows what things my husband and will disagree on and he uses that knowledge! Don't get in our pickle!! Now I do feel sorry for Ryan when he doesn't feel well, but he is 15. I TRY to tell him there's no excuse for treating people badly because he feels bad. He does get away with too much though. When all else fails, a nap works wonders!!! (for both him and me!!)