- Joined
- Aug 28, 2014
- Messages
- 26
I feel like the most selfish person in the world, but I just can’t do it anymore.
I feel the need to preface this by saying that I love my family. And I know that they love me too.
But I just can’t handle it anymore.
I was diagnosed with Crohn’s just over a year ago and for a short bit it was good. For the first time in my life, my family rallied around me. I had never needed it before, but I really did then.
Since then though, they have settled back into their old habits.
I have always been an anxious person, but I can’t handle stress as well as I used to as it makes me feel ill and I really want to get myself into remission.
My family has issues. That feels like a massive understatement. One of my brothers has cut ties with all of us (funny enough, he’s not a problem), my other brother is an alcoholic and my parents are divorced. Dad is no issue. He is endlessly supportive, even if he lives over the other side of the country and can only support me by phone.
Mum and my brother live together as Mum had a stroke a few years ago. Physically it hasn’t affected her all that much, but her short term memory is not the best. Mum and my brother both called me often to complain about the other and their behaviour towards each other.
It got so bad that my husband stepped in and had a word to them both telling me that they need to ease off as on me as the stress was affecting me. My brother listened and backed off to the point where he stopped calling me. Mum backed off for a bit, but she’s back now doing it all again.
She took the divorce badly and I have spent my time growing up hearing the “your father is a horrible human being and this is why stories” and now she includes “your brother is a horrible human being and this is why stories”. My brother has started drinking again because of work and whatever is going on between them.
I have hit the point where I (finally) admitted I need help. My doctor has referred me on to a psychologist and I’ll see her in just over a week for the first time.
I was going alright. After asking for and receiving help I was feeling lighter, better…and then Mum called me again. She started telling me the stories over the phone again, told me she wanted to come visit me again soon and then finished up the phone call with “I called this time, next time it’s your turn.” (no pressure right?)
When Mum comes to visit, it is a 1 ¼ hour drive. She drives down and tells me about how she’s going (which is what she tells me when she calls to confirm a day or two before then) and tells me the horrible human being stories about both my Dad and brother. At the end of two hours we’ve run out of things to say. By this time I’m so stressed I have to lie down and rest to settle myself down.
My husband takes over then as we can’t be rude enough that we leave her on her own while visiting and she tells him her horrible human being stories. After an hours rest I have rallied enough to return and then Mum and I spend another 1-2 hours sitting awkwardly next to each other watching television or a movie until my husband makes an excuse about something we have to go out and do so she will leave.
She and my brother have had enough issues that last Sunday night I received a text from her asking if she needs to can she come stay for the night as my brother was drunk again. Of course I said okay.
I missed four calls from my brother who wanted to have a drunk rant at me and when I didn’t answer he tried my husbands phone who I stopped him before he answered.
In the past the rest of my family have tried to convince both my brother to move out and Mum to kick him out if it is that bad but they never do.
Mum went to her GP who wanted her to go to a psychologist as well, but Mum is making herself feel better by only thinking of positive things and ignoring the negative so she will be good enough that her GP won’t send her (because god forbid she should actually admit that she needs help).
In the past more than once I have spoken to her about how she feels the need to talk about my Dad and brother. I let her know it’s hard for me as I am personally involved and she really needs to find someone impartial who is not connected to it to speak with. She agrees and then returns to speaking to me about this.
It’s hard because I love them all, but I can’t cope with this. My husband is keeping quiet, but I know that this situation is making him frustrated as he watches the impact this all has on me.
I don’t want to, but I’m starting to feel that my only option is to talk to my Mum and brother and tell them that unless they can be a positive, beneficial presence in my life they need to stay away and that they both need to seek help for their individual issues instead of relying on family members as counsellors in this situation.
In the past I have always been the go to person when people are having issues, but they don’t understanding that I am unable to be in that position now and they need to adapt.
I feel like the worst, most selfish person in the world, but everyone (including them) tell me that I need to take better care of myself and put myself first.
I just don’t know what to do. Seeing the psychologist in a week or so feels too far away and I can’t get in sooner.
I feel the need to preface this by saying that I love my family. And I know that they love me too.
But I just can’t handle it anymore.
I was diagnosed with Crohn’s just over a year ago and for a short bit it was good. For the first time in my life, my family rallied around me. I had never needed it before, but I really did then.
Since then though, they have settled back into their old habits.
I have always been an anxious person, but I can’t handle stress as well as I used to as it makes me feel ill and I really want to get myself into remission.
My family has issues. That feels like a massive understatement. One of my brothers has cut ties with all of us (funny enough, he’s not a problem), my other brother is an alcoholic and my parents are divorced. Dad is no issue. He is endlessly supportive, even if he lives over the other side of the country and can only support me by phone.
Mum and my brother live together as Mum had a stroke a few years ago. Physically it hasn’t affected her all that much, but her short term memory is not the best. Mum and my brother both called me often to complain about the other and their behaviour towards each other.
It got so bad that my husband stepped in and had a word to them both telling me that they need to ease off as on me as the stress was affecting me. My brother listened and backed off to the point where he stopped calling me. Mum backed off for a bit, but she’s back now doing it all again.
She took the divorce badly and I have spent my time growing up hearing the “your father is a horrible human being and this is why stories” and now she includes “your brother is a horrible human being and this is why stories”. My brother has started drinking again because of work and whatever is going on between them.
I have hit the point where I (finally) admitted I need help. My doctor has referred me on to a psychologist and I’ll see her in just over a week for the first time.
I was going alright. After asking for and receiving help I was feeling lighter, better…and then Mum called me again. She started telling me the stories over the phone again, told me she wanted to come visit me again soon and then finished up the phone call with “I called this time, next time it’s your turn.” (no pressure right?)
When Mum comes to visit, it is a 1 ¼ hour drive. She drives down and tells me about how she’s going (which is what she tells me when she calls to confirm a day or two before then) and tells me the horrible human being stories about both my Dad and brother. At the end of two hours we’ve run out of things to say. By this time I’m so stressed I have to lie down and rest to settle myself down.
My husband takes over then as we can’t be rude enough that we leave her on her own while visiting and she tells him her horrible human being stories. After an hours rest I have rallied enough to return and then Mum and I spend another 1-2 hours sitting awkwardly next to each other watching television or a movie until my husband makes an excuse about something we have to go out and do so she will leave.
She and my brother have had enough issues that last Sunday night I received a text from her asking if she needs to can she come stay for the night as my brother was drunk again. Of course I said okay.
I missed four calls from my brother who wanted to have a drunk rant at me and when I didn’t answer he tried my husbands phone who I stopped him before he answered.
In the past the rest of my family have tried to convince both my brother to move out and Mum to kick him out if it is that bad but they never do.
Mum went to her GP who wanted her to go to a psychologist as well, but Mum is making herself feel better by only thinking of positive things and ignoring the negative so she will be good enough that her GP won’t send her (because god forbid she should actually admit that she needs help).
In the past more than once I have spoken to her about how she feels the need to talk about my Dad and brother. I let her know it’s hard for me as I am personally involved and she really needs to find someone impartial who is not connected to it to speak with. She agrees and then returns to speaking to me about this.
It’s hard because I love them all, but I can’t cope with this. My husband is keeping quiet, but I know that this situation is making him frustrated as he watches the impact this all has on me.
I don’t want to, but I’m starting to feel that my only option is to talk to my Mum and brother and tell them that unless they can be a positive, beneficial presence in my life they need to stay away and that they both need to seek help for their individual issues instead of relying on family members as counsellors in this situation.
In the past I have always been the go to person when people are having issues, but they don’t understanding that I am unable to be in that position now and they need to adapt.
I feel like the worst, most selfish person in the world, but everyone (including them) tell me that I need to take better care of myself and put myself first.
I just don’t know what to do. Seeing the psychologist in a week or so feels too far away and I can’t get in sooner.
