hi LF, a warm (if belated) welcome the forum!
you know when you hear people say they wish they knew back then what they know now? well, i don't know if this is going to help you, but if anything i say makes even the slightest difference to your outlook, then it's worth me saying....
you're obviously a young person... i'm in my 40's. but i was young once, struggling with the pain and other effects of Crohn's whilst trying desperately to hang onto my dreams of the life i wanted. i went through the gritted-teeth determination of "it's not going to beat me... i am going to carry on regardless".. but that became impossible. so i withdrew, from my friends, my closest 24/7 acquaintance was the pain, and the miserable thoughts it brought. alongside all this was the insistence from my family GP that there was nothing wrong with me apart from my active imagination, and unfortunately he convinced my family of that, for a long time (years). so i was alone with it all.
i am also an optimistic person, a fighter, perfectionist by nature.. been called stubborn more than once lol, but during those years any optimism i showed was put on, false. i did manage to keep some sort of a social life, albeit much reduced, and i did try my best to join in with family things... but every day, every event was spoilt by the Crohn's, and more often than not, no-one saw past the fixed smile on my face.
i guess what i'm trying to say is... we just don't realise how our futures can change. maybe our future isn't going to be on the path we wanted it, but it sure doesn't have to stay as bleak and as painful as is it at these very bad points in our lives. 20+ years on i have kids growing up, i have a wonderful partner, great friends... i go out for meals, for drinks, to gigs, i run around looking after my mum and everyone, i keep my home running, and i'm working part-time too. it's not always easy, i still have some active Crohn's, and i have other health issues too.. but it's a life, and it's a good one, on the whole. probably a million miles from the life i envisaged when i was your age - but i'm happy.
we change as we get older, our important goalposts shift... there comes a realisation that we don't actually NEED to change the essential us, ie seeing yourself as a follower and wishing to become a leader, being popular with girls... the most important goalpost, in my view, in life is to accept you as you are, and like yourself for who you are. from that comes confidence, and you will get through what you have to.
one day you will look back on this time and be in a better state of health, and mind.... help is out there. it took surgery to get me over the worst of my Crohn's, maybe that will be your turning point too, or maybe treatment will be... but you will get past this. just focus on that... and find the fight to demand the right investigations from the right people... keep on making appointments with your GP and your consultant.. make sure they know exactly how much it hurts, how much it's affecting your life, and tell them how despondent and depressed you are. even if you need to go on an antidepressant for a while - it doesn't matter, just find the help you need to get through this patch.
we're all behind you here, and we understand.
