Kinda silly general question about Christmas

[kjhngisd]

kinda silly general question about Christmas

Hi all,
not a really deep or profound question, I suppose, about medications or physical reactions.
Here's my story (and, as my friend used to say "I'm stuck with it"). Sorry if it's a bit wordy ;-)

I don't have Crohn's. I do have fibromyalgia so I'm pretty familiar with IBS, but that's another story. My wife, though, is newly diagnosed with Crohn's (been about 2 1/2 months now).

She is doing wildly well, except for the fatigue -- she's having a hard time dealing. Her main issues are psychological, I think. First, deep down, I don't think she accepts that she has the disease. She knows it. But deep down, it hasn't connected yet. So she keeps wanting life to get "back to normal". She pushes herself too hard because she is impatient to get there.

Second, she has need for a pretty strong sense of "rootedness" or "normalcy". With Crohn's there's always that unpredictability, so "consistency" is pretty much out the window. Oh, there is some sense of it and some things at the bottom that don't change, but a flair up can put you back in the hospital at any time.

I've picked up the rest of the house work ( I had been doing some of it before anyway, so it really wasn't that big of a shift) and some extra effort to make things easier on her.

So she told me yesterday that she doesn't want to get me a gift this Christmas. We don't always exchange gifts so that isn't that big of a deal.

For her birthday a couple weeks ago, I got her a bunch of things that had nothing to do with Crohns. I planned the whole weekend, including buying her a new outfit to wear to the ballet and arranging dinners and such. Except for a few little things -- like picking places to eat that I knew had the right selections of food for her, and not keeping her out too long, and arranging times for naps -- it was a Crohns-free weekend. And I think that's important. But since I just did that kind of thing for her birthday, I think Christmas should be different.

So I still want to get her something for Christmas -- I don't really care if she gets me anything or not.

So my question is: what do I get her for Christmas?

She is feeling overwhelmed by books and videos about the disease.
I was thinking about getting her a PDA so that she can keep her daily food journal with her electronically. I thought that may be nice. But I'm not even sure she'd use it.

SO, I'm asking you. Is there anything that you can think of that I could get for her that would help her with the disease without further overwhelming her?

thanks for any help.
-- k

 

[Kev]

hey, K. Welcome to the forum. Between your health issues and her's, you folks do seem to have your plates full. I'm glad you found this site, and I hope that over time it helps. So, let me re-cap. Your missus was dx'd 2 1/2 months ago, at the moment shes' doing wildly well, but you've seen clear indications that she hasn't come to terms with her disease yet... she's still in one of the early stages, and hasn't as yet come thru the 'acceptance' stage. Bearing that in mind, you opted to avoid anything to do with her disease in celebrating her birthday, but now with Christmas approaching, you figure it's time she dealt with her diagnosis, and that an appropriate present would be something that made her life with this disease less stressful. Have I pretty much put it in a nutshell? Yes!?! You sort of remind me of me. 20 years ago or so. Great ideas intended to help out those who mean the most to us, just ideas not completely thought out. Look, take some advice from an old fart who learned mostly from his mistakes. Seems like your missus just isn't ready to face her new reality. I know it's tempting to help her get over that hurdle, but... its going to take her whatever time it takes her. You can't fast-track it for her. You can't schedule it for her. I know that having dealt with a difficult diagnosis in your past 'maybe' gives you an insight, but what/when was best for you in dealing with yours has little or no basis in determining what's best for her. And it isn't a matter of the 'best'. It's going to happen for her when it happens, even if that's not in 'her' best interest. Sounds like, aside from the not being at the acceptance stage, her life post diagnosis will be radically different from her life pre diagnosis. It's a difficult reality to deal with, a change that she'll probably be extremely reluctant to embrace. Stick with your instincts back at her birthday. Avoid any connection to Christmas and Crohns. Show her you still care in other ways. Don't connect a holiday with this diagnosis. Us crohnies are stubborn, moody, and sometimes we prefer to avoid dealing/discussing/admitting to our disease. Unlike a lot of other ailments, this one doesn't get a lot of media focus or human acceptance. Like, think of it this way.. you get her a fabulous gift for Xmas, and everytime some one pops in for the holidays, and the gifts are trotted out for display, its going to be a public broadcast of her illness. Perhaps not the wisest idea, OK?
Look, women remain pretty much a mystery to me, and I've studied them for decades. I do know that when a woman makes up her mind, God help the guy who flies in the face of that. No matter how well intentioned, no matter that it was meant in the deepest of affection. It simply makes for an unhappy Xmas.

she suggested no gift for Christmas. Maybe it has deeper meaning, maybe it doesn't. Look a little deeper into it, discretely, just in case. If there is no deep significance to her not wanting to exchange gifts, then honor her wishes, OK?
If there is a problem that this 'no gift' exchange is indicating, that is what I'd concentrate on. the world she's known has just crumbled, this may be a cry for help, for reassurance, for you to re-affirm that her crohns won't change your feelings for her. Or, it may be a crisis of faith, and the thought of Christmas is a reminder that we are often tested in our faith by acts of God we don't or can't understand. I dunno. It's all total guesswork on my part based on your letter.

 

[kjhngisd]

hey, K. Welcome to the forum.
Look, women remain pretty much a mystery to me, and I've studied them for decades. I do know that when a woman makes up her mind, God help the guy who flies in the face of that. No matter how well intentioned, no matter that it was meant in the deepest of affection. It simply makes for an unhappy Xmas.

Thanks for your reply and your welcome.

I'll keep that in mind.
The "no gift" thing isn't anything deep. She is just not wanting to go to the effort of looking for one, I think. She's feeling a bit overwhelmed. SO, that's what made me want to look at getting her something to help.

AS to the "accepting her where she is" that's not an issue. I'm not the one trying to schedule her recovery -- she is. I keep telling her that by our anniversary in May she may start to start to have an idea of what it means, but not before then. And maybe not then. I think she'll "get it" when she gets it. I just mentioned that because I'm wanting to make things better for her and wanted to point out where her need was.

Anyway, in the meantime, I just want to find something to make her life easier. Perhaps there is something that someone got once that really helped?

open to ideas
--k

 

[katiesue1506]

Well... if you have decided that you are FOR SURE going to get her something... then we need to know what kinda girl she is. My suggestions: A stuffed animal (a light hearted, uncostly way to still say I love you) or... maybe a nice necklace... of course you'd have to know exactly what she likes... personally I think a nice chain with a little diamond pendant (or cubic zirconium). I only suggested the jewelery because you had said something about a PDA... and so that means you are willing to spend.

One thing I know really helps with Crohn's pain and just the stresses of life is a good hot bubble bath. If you REALLY were wanting to get something for her that made her feel better or was connected to Crohn's I'd say maybe some bath stuff in her favorite scent.

It sounds like to me, if she likes consistency so much, she may not respond well to you getting her a really expensive present... or she may feel bad about it if you do, so my advice is to keep it simple and light hearted. The stuffed animal (maybe her favorite animal?) or bath stuff would work well for that.

I know these don't sound like the most extravagant presents ever... but since she said no presents, I'm trying to think simple.

Maybe you could tell us some of her interests?

 

[katiesue1506]

Oh... and I never actually "got it" (Crohn's Disease) until I started to get better... almost in remission (May of 2007). I still think that if I were to relapse, I would have a hard time dealing with it again. (I was diagnosed October 2006, a year and 2 months ago)

 

[Kev]

something that occured to me, and it isn't Crohnie specific.. like, people other than those with Crohns would/could use it too, so it isn't Crohns identifying, is one of those car seats that have heat and massage built into them. But, does she drive?
It's not a very romantic gift, but if one has crohns, there are times when driving a massage seat really helps with the cramps and pains. Beats a travel potty in that it is discrete. Some have adapters so they can be used in the home too.

 

[kjhngisd]

It sounds like to me, if she likes consistency so much, she may not respond well to you getting her a really expensive present... or she may feel bad about it if you do, so my advice is to keep it simple and light hearted. The stuffed animal (maybe her favorite animal?) or bath stuff would work well for that.

I know these don't sound like the most extravagant presents ever... but since she said no presents, I'm trying to think simple.

Maybe you could tell us some of her interests?

yes, you're right about the expense thing. Well, up to a point.
The bath is a good idea. Or maybe a day at the spa or something.

I dunno. finding something she'll like isn't hard. But I wanted something that makes her life just a little easier in dealing with the issues she has to face. Perhaps I want too much.

The emotional support thing, I get -- with our without the holiday. But I guess I was looking for an excuse to pop something on her with the "hey... that's a great idea to help me" reaction. But, as I said, perhaps I want too much. I guess I was looking more for the "oh, someone got me this and it really helped in a small way".

That was my thought about the PDA -- something she could make notes about how she's feeling without having to hunt paper.

Well.... it was worth a try.

Thank you all for your kindness and your thoughts. And Katiesue, I do hope your remission is strong and long and fruitful ;-)

The car seat isn't a bad thought either, Kev.


Well... thanks again for your thoughts. I do appreciate it.
-- k

 

[katiesue1506]

Thanks!

And a day at the spa would be great for ANY woman. good idea k!

 

[D Bergy]

You could hire a cleaning person to come and spiff up the house for a month or two.

She may get to really liking it and then it may be a permanent thing. Don't know if you would want that or not.

Good luck, I really suck at buying gifts. You may want to consider that before you consider my idea.

Dan Bergman

 

[Kev]

I've never seen a woman go crazier than the day before the cleaning lady arrives.

Back in the days when money was no object, with both of us working full time, and a huge house... I 'surprized' the little woman with a 'cleaning service gift'.

Believe me, after the 'shock' wore off that I'd do something like that without at least giving her 2 weeks notice, the little woman tore into a frenzy of cleaning that I've never witnessed the like of before, or since. Place was spotless by the time the 'cleaner' arrived. Then, after the cleaner left, there was a literal 'blood bath', as my little 5' 2", 95 lb missus tore strip after strip off of big ol me.

 

[D Bergy]

I rest my case.

Dan Bergman

 

[Cara Fusinato]

A daily calendar (available with rush shipping from Amazon.com) related to what she likes or inspirational sayings or Thomas Kincade or a brain teaser a day or even photos from the Hubble.

If you wanna go NICE . . . diamondnexuslabs.com has man-made diamonds for very reasonable cost (not sure they could get it to you in time for Christmas though). A heart-shaped pendant is stunning and just over $100. These are not fake and cheap, they are just man-made not dug from the earth and are 100% indistinguishable from natural diamonds.

 

[katiesue1506]

I had a cleaning lady while I was growing up... and I ALWAYS had to clean before she came.... everytime I'd ask my mom "why do I have to clean before the cleaning lady comes"... she'd reply "just do it"... then "I'd sulk off and mutter... 'jeez you should just pay me'"

 

[kjhngisd]

I had a cleaning lady while I was growing up... and I ALWAYS had to clean before she came.... everytime I'd ask my mom "why do I have to clean before the cleaning lady comes"... she'd reply "just do it"... then "I'd sulk off and mutter... 'jeez you should just pay me'"

I've heard that cleaning people are more work than not having them ;-)

In any case, the point is moot, since I do the cleaning.... well.... *I'd* like one. Can I give you her email address as a suggestion?

The calendar suggestion is a really good idea. Thanks for that.

BUT I think I've landed on it. I think I am going to get her a book:
The Tao of Pooh.

I realized that she's is so Piglet. She frets and worries about things with that "oh my word" attitude. And I think she needs help to de-stress and see the value in allowing herself to "just be" sometimes.

Thank you for your thoughts and allowing me to brainstorm mine.

Hope your Christmas & New Year is truly awesome.

Cheers;
-k