Hello my friends, I had a mixed bag of emotions today, had a really good day with my three babies,Colinis getting over his concussion which ended his football season slowly and continues to be a beautiful person who is meant for great things, Cian was busting my chops so much today that I had to have him separate between me and his brother, Alea got to her first movie today when we all saw Megamind which was quite funny. I spent a great deal of money today because we all went out to lunch as well but had a wonderful time. It seemed especially hard dropping off the kids tonight as it really sucks that I only have them one day a week and we are all feeling the loss of time. When I dropped off Alea she was asleep and the boys gave her a kiss and i was allowed to carry her into the house as my ex was not feeling well so, she bent her standards a bit. I lay her down on the couch and she looked like such an angel while i took off her coat and covered her with a blanket. It ripped out my heart a bit to see her looking so very beautiful and peaceful and to have to say goodbye with a kiss as she was sleeping. I actually felt my heart crack once again along with my voice as I hugged my boys and said goodbye with hugs and kisses in the midst of a rainstorm. I cried for half of the ride home and prayed to my angels (grandparents) for guidance and help with getting through this very difficult time. My soon to be ex is doing her thing with her health issues and being very manipulative, I helped and supported her for nine years even to the point of helping her to shower and dress each day, but she threw me out when i fell down the hill due to depression and anxiety of being out of work. She has not let me in the home to get my possessions but needed me to get Alea ready to go so allowed me in the home today. I am angry about the double standard and see a difference in my daughter without getting the consistency of redirection/consequences for acting up that i give to all of my kids. in other words she is getting away with too much and is thus testing limits on our visits. She is getting away with little transgressions that remind me of the overblown tick of a stepson that caused me to get thrown out of my home.
I asked my ex to file the papers for the divorce to commence and she actually seemed upset! I am done trying to understand this woman and more importantly am not going to be a doormat for her anymore. I am about to become 44 years old and am sharing a bunkbed with a 13 year old.
I want to move on with my life and really miss having the simple intimacies of a relationship- holding hands, running my hands through a womans hair, hugs and cuddling. I have a strong attraction to a lady at my new job and it seems to be somewhat mutual but my confidence is not what it should be due to my circumstances, but i really like her and the way she carries herself. I especially like her smile and the way she blushes when i talk to her. I may be stupid but i still believe in romance and in finding true love. I am once again putting my heart out there for my crohn's family to critique and advise. I love you guys and need your guidance.
