Ready to Give Up

[dahlfacepoet]

I know it's just one of those days, or weeks, but I can't shake it. I just want to give all this up, everything. I don't know what that entails, but I know it feels good to say it.

I couldn't eat today. It's my second week on full-time work, which is temporary, but I need to money so bad, I can't say no. I couldn't even take a bite. I stared at my rice and chicken for 20 minutes before taking a bite and then nearly vomiting, so I had to spit it out. I hate how stupid it feels to say you can't eat. It sounds stupid. I hate it.

I hate that my shoulder is hurting again, nothing makes it better. And working with preschool kids does not go easy on it.

I hate that I can't be the partner I want to be to my honey. He deserves better and takes such good care of me, I feel guilty. Why should he have to go through this with me.

But most of all I hate that I have to go through this. I hate that I don't have my mother to help take care of me. I hate that this does not stop, ever. Not even a hard diagnosis and I can't even cope. I'm weak and awful and it has to be all my fault. Okay, I know it's not, but I just feel like it is today.

Also, I had a flat tire leaving work, so pulled over to inspect it and locked my keys in the car. Brilliant. Now my tramadol is in some grocery store parking lot and I can't get to it until at least tomorrow.

Vent over, I needed that.
Thanks to anyone who reads.

 

[Crohn's 35]

OH my Goodness! What a day you had! Don't think you are alone in this thinking, sometimes we go through this rough period and think "why me" after you get past all that, you have realize the good things and what you are greatful for. I have left my keys in the car lots of times. You are distracted and frustrated, therefore you become unwittingly careless and make mistakes. Please don't do that you yourself, you are human and we all have had our "days" I still have them and have had Crohns over 20 years. It doesnt change but is gets easier. Your good days are coming.. Now aren't you glad you got that off your chest??? :hang:

 

[scoutfinch]

I'm sorry you've had such a rough day! It's hard when things seem to be overwhelming, but you are much stronger than you think.

Some tips for when you're feeling really low: Do any little thing you can to feel better (even if it's just taking a hot shower, re-reading a book you love, listening to your favorite music, hugging your partner, etc). As for food, it does NOT sound at all stupid to say that you can't eat. Nausea is the worst. I hope you can find a way to get some nutrients into your body. At the very least, try to stay hydrated. (When I feel like I can't eat, I break out a bottle of Ensure. Then I wait for any brief pause in the nausea and suck down a mouthful, or more, of it followed by a sip of water.)

I've never used this smilie before, but here we go :hug: Big hugs - I hope you have a much better day tomorrow!

 

[Cat-a-Tonic]

Dahl, you poor thing, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time. I completely understand about not being able to eat. I agree with scoutfinch's idea to try something like Boost or Ensure as you may be able to handle that a little easier than solid food. How long are you going to be working full-time? I work full-time too but I sit at a desk all day - I couldn't imagine working with small kids all day, that sounds exhausting! Try to hang in there and rest when you can (do the kids take nap time? If so, are you allowed to take a nap too at that time?). Sending big hugs your way!

 

[D Bergy]

If your current treatment is not working`overall, then change the treatment.

Those days suck. I have had a few myself. I hope things improve for you soon.

Dan

 

[Staceyscarlete]

Aweee poor you!! Tis the season it would seem fall brings on flareups and bad weather. Maybe you need a good cry. Take out all that you can't control mourn your disease and move on. Try to control what you can. I hate listening to myself bc I feel your pain and I know how easy it is to say. Check if your country doesn't offer disability for ppl with Crohns. In canada it is part of our list of disabilities. You'll feel better once remission hits. I had a tough time last year an I remember thinking once I got better OMG how did I survive that. But you will. Stay strong one day at a time. Try reading "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom I just finishe it and it helps you think more positively in the face of disease.

 

[dahlfacepoet]

I'm feeling a bit better now. It was good to get that all off my chest. I was just so frustrated! Now my car is almost better (I still need a new tire). Also I found out That this was my last week working full time! Although I'd love the money, I'm relieved. I thought it would be two months until they hired a new lead teacher, but they decided to disperse the kiddos into the other classes, so I'm back to half time. It's so much easier for me to handle, because then I can sleep in and recover from taking a shower and eat at home without feeling self conscious about it.

Cat, I used my last food stamps to buy some ensure once I agreed to work full-time. And I had my honey bring me an ensure during my break that day, so I did have some extra nutrients that day. I learned from the times I've passed at at work from not eating when I was trying to work full time and I first got sick.

I am so exhausted today, though the emotional issues do feel lighter today. I'm glad I have the weekend to rest, even though there's some fun I'm missing tonight.

Thanks everyone for your responses, they did help me a lot!

 

[dahlfacepoet]

Dan,
I just started on Budesonide, I'm on day 12 now. So it's pretty early for me to see any improvement yet. I'm also not confirmed CD yet. There's inflammation in my ileum along with an ulcer and some other such things consistent with crohn's, but my GI says I'm a mystery, he's hoping I respond to the Budesonide. I hope I do too, because I am pretty sure it's CD.

 

[Sunshine Cat]

:goodluck:Some days it just is't worth getting out of bed. Us cronies still have things we still have to do and that sometimes helps us get up and get going, mostly if it has to do with other people. :banana: