Self Esteem

[Nyx]

Hi everyone

As most of you know, I had my surgery about a year and a half ago. Since then, I've been doing really well. I feel great physically (besides some weight gain), I have energy, I can eat! and overall feel pretty good. There have been some issues lately with my fiance that seem to be surfacing. I know that he loves me and would stand by me. Hell, he was with me day and night when I was in the hospital (for 24 days...he only missed 1 day in all that because of weather). But for some reason, in my mind, I think he's only here because he invested all that time and he feels he has to stay. I know that he doesn't care that I'm not the skinny, toned person he first met. I know that he doesn't care that I don't fit into my old clothes. How can I reconcile this in my mind? I've been exercising, and trying to get my body back. But I know that my stomach will never look the way it did when we first met. How can it with the huge scar right down the middle?? For the most part, it doesn't bother me...he's seen Oscar in all his glory, he's seen me without any pouch cover on...he's kissed my scar and said that it's part of me and that he loves it like he loves me. How do I make myself believe that?

Maybe these are too deep questions for you and I should likely see a shrink, but I feel like you all know what I'm going through. A shrink can't offer that

 

[Terriernut]

Aww Cindy. I am with ya. I get it. Big time. I had a gorgeous body and now its ruined and how on earth could anyone love me?

And there you are with a great guy who truly seems to stick with you through thick and thin (literally). And you cant believe it. Is that what it is, or has something else happened?

Sometimes we have self disparaging thoughts running through our heads, and then, they start going in a loop. Over and over. If that is what is happening to you, try cognitive behaviour therapy. You dont need a shrink. You can even do it yourself...everytime you have a thought about your body or you BF not finding you attractive...you stop, and dig into why you think that. Dig, why is it coming up, why have your thoughts about this changed?

And Cindy...if I were a guy, I'd shag ya!!! You are gorgeous!!!
:worthy:
Misty

 

[Misty-Eyed]

Sorry you've been feeling this way. I think it's nothing unusual in the female (and maybe even male) population in general, yet alone with everything you've been through.

When ever I feel like this I always mirror it back onto them, if that makes any sense. For instance, does your fiance still look exactly the same as when you first got together? Would you still love him if he put a little chub on or started to lose his hair? I bet the answer is a big fat yes! Because you love him for who he is, and not what he looks like and I'm positive he feels the same about you.

No one is perfect and everyone losses their looks and their toned bodies at some time or another anyway. The fact that he wants to make the commitment to you to be with you forever is not a small one by any means and shows that he'll still love you when you're both old and grey no matter what you look like.

From the pics you've posted in the past, you look like a stunner and you seem like a wonderful person too. So he'd be crazy not to love you

Often believing these things is more to do with how you see yourself. YOU have to believe that you're amazing and that your body is amazing. I used to feel like this a lot when my self esteem was lacking a little. I did see a counsellor for a while which did help a lot and there's certainly nothing shameful in seeing someone.

 

[Astra]

Hey this doesn't sound like the Sexy Cindy we all love!
We all have little blips of insecurities and the 2 Mistys are right too!
I have them too, but I also think that my man is bloody lucky to have me anyway! ha ha
Take care
xxx

 

[CDDad]

Hi Cindy,
I think it's brave and good that you can show your feelings like this. (Does he read these postings?) It's hard enough just having a large surgical scar, then add a very visible ostomy bag (visible at least to ourselves and loved one), and it's very hard to have a good body image.

I just hope that he keeps telling you it doesn't bother him, and you can start believing it.
There are couple of other body parts that men like to focus on anyway, besides a scar and ostomy.

 

[Nyx]

[email protected] for that! I do sometimes forget that men can have a one track mind! He's really good to me and reassures me all the time. It's in my head, not his. But since writing this and getting all your feedback I've been doing better with it.

Thanks everyone!

 

[ameslouise]

Hi Cindy, just catching up on this thread now and wanted to ditto all above, especially what Joe said! Most guys that are worth their salt can look past the scars and bag and bigger thighs etc and see what they truly love - your vajayjay!!!

Sometimes it's harder for us to love ourselves than for others to love us. I hope this is a just a temporary set back/funk and that you are able to see what he - and we! - all love - a beautiful person inside and out.

xo - Ames

 

[tayandky]

I once had a b/f that said my scars where ugly, man did that hurt. Then came along a man who loved me for everything I was with scars. He even bought me a 2 piece to wear. He wasn't embarrassed he loved me for who I was. Now after being married for 9yrs and together for 11yrs he still feels the same way, He's the one that still tells me to wear my bathing suit. There are days I feel the same way, I feel ugly but he doesn't think that at all. sounds like You have a great man that has stayed by your side though thick and thin! Sounds like he will continue to do that. :0)

 

[CDDad]

Ames - Thanks for that laugh out loud you just gave me.

 

[Dexky]

I've seen pics of you in a swimsuit Cindy!! And that red dress...have mercy!! He's the one that should be worried!!

 

[vonfunk]

I agree with Dex. I'm pretty sure the scientific term is "foxy".

 

[Nyx]

I'm still giggling about "vajayjay"....lmao

 

[Astra]

Bloody Hell Marky!
Are you beasting again!

(you know I'm only joshin) xxxx

 

[Astra]

Ok Amy, now this I didn't know!!

A vajayjay - dictionary definition used on Grey's Anatomy!
'A woman's pleasure dome. About a foot and a half below her lovely lady lumps and around the corner from her hump.'

ha ha ha love it!
See, I'm learning some American shit too!!

 

[Dexky]

Beasting, or beesting: dictionary definition 'the first milk produced by a cow or a goat after giving birth'...

We call that colostrum milk but oh well, sounds like some old English shit doesn't it? Pip, did you separate the beastings from the good milk? Oh no, mum! I love the beastings!!

 

[Astra]

Mark!
ha ha you gotta read all of this, see where you fit in!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=beasting

 

[billyjoel]

@Nyx, my wife has multiple scars from surgery related to having kids and she also had breast augmentation done by a guy who should have his license revoked and she has large scars there, and she says how can I love her, but I do I love her more than anything and all I see is the woman I love. Your man loves you as well, don't worry.

 

[ameslouise]

Poor Cindy, not sure how we managed to hijack your thread and turn it into an X-rated slangfest!

And I still can't figure out what "beasting" means???

Sorry Cindy! Hope you're feeling better about things, hun. xo - Ames

 

[Nyx]

Hijack away!! I'm just sitting here giggling my ass off....lol

 

[Dexky]

Well Joan, now it's clear as mud! I hear EJ yell sometimes, "that's so beast"!! So...someone is beating the shit out of someone, shagging someone, really good on a guitar or just behaving like a wild beast! I gotta keep a better eye on that boy!!

 

[Astra]

yeah it's a funny link!
I can't get me head round the kid's slang of today!

Hey Cindy! hope you feel great today, especially knowing the men on here are beasting after you!
xxx

 

[Silvermoon]

Well I guess one way to put a smile on someone's face and help their self esteem is a thread like this to help explain some of the kids' slang.... OMG half this stuff I have never even heard of!! I think I have been stuck in the bush too long!!! :0 :0 !!!! LMAO

Anywhos.... I love this statement by Misty:

When ever I feel like this I always mirror it back onto them, if that makes any sense. For instance, does your fiance still look exactly the same as when you first got together? Would you still love him if he put a little chub on or started to lose his hair? I bet the answer is a big fat yes! Because you love him for who he is, and not what he looks like and I'm positive he feels the same about you.

There are many days I feel the same as Cindy and a few others... "OMG I am a roadmap of scars, I feel like shit and I can't do ANYTHING right... WHY is he still here!?!?!?!?"

Fortunately (or not??) my hubby met me long after I had been diagnosed, so my family and myself (more so my parents) were able to bring him "up to speed" so to speak before we got serious, and "warn" him about the rocky road he was about to travel with me.... and he still wanted to travel it. Took it upon himself to research as much as he could and find out what he could do to help.

And after 13 (14?) years together, we have definitely changed together... he is not the "hot young stud" I married either - and I don't think I would have it any other way. I have put him through torture, both mental and physical, and yet he continues to travel beside me. (I laughed at "put a little chub on or started to lose his hair, 'cause that is exactly what has happened to my hubby... )...

"What does not kill us makes us stronger" - I never really put much belief or thought into that saying - but after reading Misty's post, I think it works for people AND for relationships..... If something happens that stresses the bonds of a relationship, but does not break those bonds, I think maybe it does make it stronger......


(PS - I always thought a "beesting" was the welt you got after one of those flying black and yellow insects bit you.....)

Keep giggling your ass off, Cindy - we need your smiles...

 

[Dexky]

I don't care whose thread it is, it's always good to hear from you Silver! Hope things are continuing to improve!

And Cindy, I hope by now you're back to your self-confident, sexy self!!