Why can't I be left alone!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

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BWS1982

BWS1982

Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
4,137
I'm ******* sick of having to deal with Crohns, it's enough of a sh*tstorm, now this morning the nurse practitioner for my endocrinologist calls me and states that my thyroid ultrasound from yesterday shows the nodule's increased in size, not decreased like we were trying to do with 50 mcg's of Synthroid for suppression. *this sentence edited for privacy*. Now I've got a likely surgery because medicine has failed to shrink my goiter/cold nodule (and now possibly thyroid cancer AGAIN, due to the failure of Synthroid)....This is horrible timing, I don't want to be cut open for anything, let alone 2 things (colectomy possible). Not like there's good timing for any of this. F****** bulls**t.

Lemme guess, the best time I can get to do this is RIGHT when the long term disability happens to get denied for I don't know why, in the next couple weeks. I have no immune system, and no patience for this surgery that is likely. Crohns and potential cancer (even though the January biopsy for the aspirations showed benign samples taken)....There are so many a-holes in this world who deserve this crap, and I aint one.

If I'm not on here much it's due to my own coping reaction, I am doing this to vent, but I have that whole "caveman" thing like many guys, I just want to be alone.:ymad:
 
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oh god Benson, i am so sorry!!!

i hope things aren't as bad as you fear.. don't know what to say to you. just ((hugs)), & if you don't want to post thats understandable, but if you get chance, maybe pm one of us to let us know how you're doing??

all the very best, buddy x
 
*hugs*

I'm sorry. You don't deserve any of this! We're here to support you through all of it.
 
I'm sorry Benson.
Call me silly, but it seems to me that synthroid wouldn't suppress the thyriod, it would make it more active. Isn't that backwards?
And if the fist samples were benign, chances are it is still benign, not cancer - but a thyroid problem. So maybe there's a tiny bit of good news in there. I know it doesn't sound it - but it's better than cancer I guess. Sorry I don't have anything witty-er to say. That's not like me.
Don't hide too much, let us know what happens next.
 
Thanks everyone, it means a bunch.

The reason Synthroid usually suppresses it is because most goiters (if not all?) come from overactive thyroid/pituitary production, or inflammation or immune issues (suprise!), that's correct Butt Hurts. But when the body detects Synthroid, an artificial version of thyroxine, the body stops (or slows?) its own production. So Synthroid, in my case, was intended to take over the body's duty of production, because it likely caused a problem (cold nodule/goiter) by doing things on its own. As well, the reason the cancer chances are up is because the Synthroid didn't act as it should have, and it's suspected of being bigger than before (nearly 6 cm's in one direction).

You probably know a lot of that though, because if I recall, you are/were hyperthyroid.

Oddly, this is exactly how Prednisone works for its intake, and why we have to taper it down (to get normal production back up again after being shut off). Only I'm going to be on synthroid the rest of my life as I gather, no matter what happens, because once you start....
 
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Thank you Pen, I've calmed a bit, not really any thanks to my family, my gf, is different though. I'll be on tomorrow more if I can.
 
Have they tried radioactive iodine?

Can I ask which was diagnosed first? I had my thyroid removed 15 years ago due to Hashimoto's and cancer, and I have wondered if my lack of a thyroid accounts for my current health problems.
 
Ishy-I have been reading a book that talks about having one autoimmune disease makes you 3 times more vulnerable to getting more of them. Hashimoto's is autoimmune and so you might just be having more autoimmune responses popping up throwing things all out of whack in your body.
 
Man, I never imagined in my absence your situation could really get any worse - yet it has. That totally sucks Benson, I can't begin to fathom the stress you are under which in turn just adds to the snowball effect.

>virtual hugs<
 
Thank you. Maybe your absence is the cause, don't leave again. :D You're only 1 hour away from a real hug, what's this virtual stuff.....OH, Drew and Creepy, they'd be angry, etc...okay...

Also, to answer, my thryoid issue started (surprise) when I was at my worst with this disease in Jan of this year and hospitalized. They saw the goiter easily probably because I'd lost so much weight, and while I was there for Crohns, they figured they'd do a few tests, ultrasound, biopsy, iodine uptake.....

Until they can prove it WASN'T Crohns and/or medications for it, I am blaming that b*tch of a disease for this. I was a shining beacon of health until my colon started bleeding in '06. Immune issues, Crohns, 3 medicines that can increase risk of cancer, that's all related to this lump on my thyroid somehow.....
 
Without starting a new thread, does anyone here ever get so fed up with not just this disease but everything it touches as it curses you like King Solomon (isn't that the greedy one who made everything gold?)....I have so much rage that the smallest things have me ready to flip out and cuss like I am being cut in half without anesthesia....I am almost afraid of it because it's got me borderline mentally breaking down and all. Not that I would take my life, or go after someone, but I have to say that if I ever saw a person, hypothetically, whom was responsible for all my misery, they'd probably only have 1, maybe 2 breaths before I killed them with my bare hands. I seriously have some sort of anger built up that I can't release and I'm ready to flip and break things. I try to find stress relief, but then something else comes up in the middle of the relief, like today when my old GI's office is giving me issues with faxing stuff that the last few months SHOULD have been faxed. My monthly CBC results since June for Imuran are still not in the hands of my new GI and I've been trying to deal with this for a few days now, and I want to unleash on anything and everyone in my sight because I can't stand the fact that I'm still cleaning up after such incompetence.

I can't get my case going for Long term disability until this happens, and I seem to have no control. I mean, I wasn't even this edgy most of the time on Pred, and I haven't been on that for 5 months. I really think if someone pushed me over the edge in public I fear what I'd do to them if they said the wrong thing to upset me or insult me, maybe not hurt them, but I'd verbally flip out so bad I'd probably look like an escaped mental patient. I can't think straight, and it all relates to Crohns. I drew a flow chart a few months ago that linked every frustration and all my anguish back to Crohns....money, my job, stress, still living at home, EVERYTHING goes back to it. I can't even think clearly. Sometimes I think I'm shaking in anger. I'm that angry, and my moods are all over the place. I hurt my fist a couple weeks ago because I punched a wall VERY hard, nothing broke luckily, but I feel helpless. It's beyond "very frustrated" to the point where I feel "off" and almost out of body at times.

Anyone get THIS rage-filled?
 
you know Mister benson, i have definately felt this kind of rage before, but amazingly not at this disease.

my rage festered in me for years over something else that happened in my life, and quite simply, there was nothing that helped but time for me......

after a while(hmmmm, bout 12 years) i just decided it was time to let the anger go, it wasn't doing me any good.

hope you can find a way to let it go buddy.
 
Yeah, I get that way. Too often anymore. It's that cycle -- stress, sick, stress, rage, stress, sick ... it never seems to end. Heh. I wish I could say that NONE of us know what that's like, including you... but that's not how life goes, sadly. We get screwed until our heads explode.
 
*I really hate saying this to you, but I say it because I really do care*

I still firmly believe that your anger comes from your inflated expectations. You expect to somehow beat it. You are so fixated on how your life was that you refuse to try to deal with how it is now. If it never gets any better than this, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling this anger, scared, and depressed??? It seems like you are trying to deny what is factual, what is reality. In regards to something other than my illnesses I kept trying for YEARS and YEARS to try to get back the person I was before a very bad incident happened to me. That person I was never returned and I finally accepted that I never would. I decided my happiness in the NOW is what is important. The past is the past and unchangeable.

We only have today - tomorrow is a concept for those who expect it to be there, forgetting that in a blink of an eye we can lose it forever. I wished you could live for today instead of living for the past.

>1 hour distance hugs< hehehe
 
All I can say to that is I'm a sore loser, and bitter about it. I feel like surrendering if I picture that, but that's just me. But, I don't want to give up what is mine. I will win, and now I whipped up a quick jpeg in photoshop to help, because I have noted the Arnold poster in my room makes me feel at peace more. Guess which pics are (were :ymad: ) me. :D

Scar Symmetry has a fairly new melodic death metal song called "Morphogenesis" that is like all the stuff I play when lifting weights, and the thought of acceptance with that song playing makes me want to go workout again and show Crohns I won't be a slave to it. All I have left is hope.
 
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Ya I noticed your sig - funny how the sight of muscular men makes me shudder - sorry. I just think it looks awful, as I swoon for squishy men. But I do know how important it was to you. You just really need to ask yourself if this is as good as it gets, then what? Do you deserve to wallow in the tragedy of it - does the people around you deserve that?? The way it is looking is that you will feel like this for the rest of your life - when is the time to let go and enjoy as much as you can wherever you can find it??? It seems you are betting it all on the horse with the lowest odds of winning - and every time it comes in last you get more and more desperate. You think this will be the day it comes in first place, and everyday it always comes in last...

put it out to damn pasture already!!! :)

Why does it have to be a champion in order for it to be enjoyable - isn't a horse just good enough being a regular horse?!?!??

What can I say I live for metaphors and similes!
 
See, I will go with your metaphor...I see your analogy as a good one, but I see it as one big race, not multiple ones, and it's just ongoing, like a marathon. Crohns stacked odds against me, but I still have the rest of the race to pull ahead. I'm down now, but it's not over. I like to root for the underdog anyways. :)

My doc keeps telling me that I can live perfectly actively if I get a bag, that there was an NFL kicker who had one (Rolf Benirschke), and he played just fine with it, and then asked me "how much more active can you get than that?"

Also, let me tell you I hope to one day get healthy again, and be a guy who makes you shudder. :)

(my gf actually likes the look of a nice physique, but we joke how she likes the feel of a "squishy boyfriend" to cuddle with more when I'm sick, blah, women can't be pleased)
 
I won't start a new thread, but I will state that I now have a chance for full recovery. Long term disability has been approved, more or less till the beginning of February (if I get better sooner, which is what I want, I'll go back to work sooner)....the LTD folks even have a free service to help me get Social Security Disability put through faster and more effectively by using a law firm to help, so that got started too. I haven't felt this relieved in a long time, I'm actually okay with the very likely surgery I will have on my thyroid (being okay about a colectomy is another thing). I can focus fully on getting better for once. :rr:
 
Good news Benson, now you can fully concentrate on getting yourself better.
(Do you still want us to leave you alone?!?!?!?)
 
just hearing you sound positive is good news in itself, Benson!

i have to tell you off (in a cyberhuggy kinda way) though.. you are NOT a loser!!! you are a fighter, and that is exactly the spirit which will get you through these bad times, through surgery if that is what is awaiting you, and what will never let you give up pushing for better things. that - my friend, is an admirable quality. you might not believe me now, but you will look back in time and see that this drive is what got you through.

i am right. i am a woman. i am right. k?

:D
 
I thought women only told men when they were wrong. I think you may be breaking some kind ancient rule or something. I don't have a copy of the bylaws.

Glad things are turning around for you Benson. Never give up.

Dan
 
Well, looks like I think like a good doctor, it turns out they say that the nodule is actually about the same size as it was 10 months ago (not about 20% larger like the measurements show), the measurements were not done as well and they had my Otolaryngology doc and a radiologist talk through it, looks like they did what I suspected, and measure both masses from both poles as one giant mass and thought it had gotten bigger. Makes me angry but they still say even though this is another piece of evidence against the liklihood of malignant possibilities, there's no way to say for sure it's not cancer unless it comes out and they do a pathology inspection. Still probably going to have the surgery, but I'm not as freaked about it (I'm not eager about it though, but at least my deductibles/OOP maximums have been long met this year, and they reset in 60 days, thank you f*cked up healthcare system).

Thanks for the well wishes. :)
 
Thank you Kim, and Mike....who I hope is okay, I know he's the strong silent type, but not seeing his presence always worries me with all he's going through.

How's he taking your new diagnosis?
 
You're okay, it is my thread to do with as I please. :)

Amputation isn't the "surgery" he might need, is it? :(
 
I just remember Mike saying his doc stating he has a better chance of losing his leg to the Pyro, than to getting PML, so even though it was a rare chance, I got that stuck as a possibility, and when you said it got worse.....

Anyways, good to hear they can remove a clot, or "clear" it surgically, whichever it may be.
 
Okay, understood. We all here know "having enough", being fed up is part of the Crohns symptoms. :)

Tell Mike to stay strong, even though I know you already have, he'll beat it, it's just a question of what will have to be done in order to do so.
 
Cayenne Pepper is supposed to be an excellent clot buster. I do not know if it is better to leave the clot or not, but if it is safe to break it up, it may be worth a try.

Dan
 

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