A bad day

[larRN2011]

a bad day

So, everything is hitting me this morning. I was told almost 2 months ago I was going to have to have surgery for 2 fistulas I have, but I requested we hold off until I graduate. He said we would be able to manage them until then unless something got worse.

I graduate in a week and some days and the suppressed emotions are now re-surfacing. Also, I am graduating from Nursing school and this process has been so hard on me emotionally/Physically with Crohn's and alone just the program. It is all supposed to be a relief feeling, but I want to go back to day one so I am not having to go through this surgery.

My folks don't understand, they are pretty close to perfect in health. I'm young I'm supposed to be "living it up" like every body around me, but yet I sit in my room and cry or in bed because I'm so drained and hurting. They say they understand because they've seen me go through it and my boyfriend tries to tell me things will be okay, but he hasn't been around a full blown flare up (just minor ones). I just wish people would stop telling me they understand when they DONT!


I guess I could say I'm having a bad day today, not physically but mentally. You would think after 8 years I'd be starting to accept this disease, but I'm really not. It seems like every time I begin to accept in any least bit, I'm hit with bad news and then I fall 2 sets back.


Just overwhelmed with emotion and felt the need to write. I just hope someone else has had the same overwhelming emotions or fears.

 

[Jennifer]

Sorry I wasn't able to respond yesterday. My internet situation has been absolutely ridiculous (damn you AT&T!).

Having dealt with this disease for 20 years I still have times where it seems like I haven't fully accepted the fact that I have it and wonder how things would have been different. Yet I'm one of those people who believe that if you hadn't done or had certain things happen in your life then you wouldn't be where you are today. I like where I am today. I have a loving fiance and have finished grad school. I doubt I would be with him or would have gone as far as I did in school had I not gotten sick when I did (sounds odd but its true). Yet there are those really crappy days where you're reminded that you have a disease that has no cure. I've been in remission for 12 years now after my resection but I still have days where I'm just mentally drained and even though I'm in remission that doesn't mean I don't have some minor issues here and there.

I've always had this desire to just be normal but I never will be and I think that's what I have a hard time accepting, not the disease itself. What is normal anyway though? I still have my mind and can move freely for the most part. I should be glad that it isn't something worse. After 20 years I still haven't found the answer as to why I feel the way I do about wanting normality in my life. I can think of all sorts of inspirational things to say but I honestly don't feel that way in my heart. What I do try to do is not dwell on the fact that things aren't the way I wish they were and try to focus on what I am capable of doing. That's at least one thing I've learned how to do. Just know that you're not alone at all in the way you feel.

 

[larRN2011]

Thanks Crabby. I feel exactly how you do almost everyday of my life...well in some way I wish everyday I am normal (but like you said, what is normal?). I believe yesterday I was tired, I was tired of hearing my class mates receiving job offers and taking them in places I wanted and knowing I could not take anything right now because I have to have surgery right after graduation. SO, then I started feeling ridiculous about myself and started really getting depressed about it, but I need to remember that even with this disease I made it through Nursing school BY MYSELF, not with their help, but by determination, faith, and my loved ones... just easier said than done not to sit on things. :/

I know what you mean about your fiance, I mean my boyfriend has not been very far when I truly needed or need him for support...it is just sometimes I want to reach out to those who ACTUALLY suffer with me. Ya know?

Thank you for responding. Knowing I am not alone in the feelings I have or the problems I go through makes things a little easier. AND its okay that this was late response, I understand completely about the internet!! Technology can be a very good thing and also very bad! haha

 

[KaLa]

I have had UC for around 20 years and I also have a hard time accepting that this is a "forever" thing. I get frustrated and resentful that I am healthy otherwise - I eat well, don't drink or smoke, I exercise, etc... but then there's the UC. I have been having a bad week and completely understand how you're feeling. My hair has been falling out from the meds., and I just got over a flare and was starting to feel "normal" again, but the last few days I have been crampy - and then frustrated and sad again. I try to look at all of the positives - my kids, husband and family, but sometimes the emotions and what will happen next creeps in. Hang in there...every day is a new beginning. Congratulations on earning your degree! It's a huge accomplishment!