College dating with a stoma

[Crohnadian]

Pvt

Pvt

 

[Jennifer]

There's a sub forum in General Discussion for people with a stoma and there may be a lot of threads already concerning this issue, or at least I see that there are other stories which may help a bit. Here's a link to the sub forum: http://www.crohnsforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=46

I don't have a stoma but I'm a 28 year old female who graduated college and grad school recently and can tell you that I would not be put off by a guy with a stoma. You just have to seek out the people who aren't shallow and I can't possibly be the only person out there. Generally we don't lay out all our cards until the relationship has hit a more comfortable stage or maybe some do I dunno, but I know that if I were interested in a guy the first thing out of my mouth wouldn't be, "I have four cats." If it were me with a stoma I like to think that I would just play it off as no big deal rather than having me look like a pity case but I'm sure I'd be worried as well. You'll get better help from someone on here soon cause I know there are a good number of people on here who have gone through this already.

 

[seaofdreams]

I don't have a stoma either so I can't speak from that perspective but I'm at a point where I'm unsure about my own dating future and what kind of impact Crohn's is going to have on it so I know where you're coming from to some degree. I also struggle a lot with anxiety and panic attacks so that has a big influence too.

I've only recently come out of a 2 year relationship and am back in the "dating scene" so to speak. I've been seeing a guy for a month or so but he has all but ended things after I've been flaring like crazy and landed myself in hospital for a week. I keep reading posts from people on here about how they have these amazing partners who are their biggest support and it worries me that I'm never going to be able to find someone like that who is willing to look past the illness and see me for who I am.

When it comes to telling someone I'm interested in that I have Crohn's, I'm torn between telling them early so that they'll understand if sometimes I'm too unwell to go out but then risking scaring them off or waiting until I've been seeing them for awhile and risk having them feel like I wasn't being honest. I think it's always going to come down to "when it feels right" as much as I hate cliches haha.

And keeping in line with what Crabby said: as a 21 year old girl, if I met a guy and genuinely liked him, a stoma wouldn't put me off either.

 

[Rob]

I don't hav a stoma - yet, I've come very close and currently doing a new drug trial to avoid it, so fingers crossed

as for telling ppl or not telling ppl, well I like to tell sraight up that I've crohns an reasonbly bad, so she will be dating more than jus me lol
then they can run straight away an show jus how shallow they truly are, and you havnt invested too much time, or money, or gotten to close to them that it hurts wen they do a runner
I've gotten to a point where I play a game that I give points on how long they hang around before they do the bolt lol it's amazing jus how many appointments for stuff they can come up with in an hour or a day lol
I jus hav a laugh to myself then
unfortunatly there are alot of shallow ppl out there, yes both women an men, and we just need to sift through them all

good luck mate an try not to be to offended by them all

 

[Lulu]

Not sure if it means they are shallow or just ignorant of the condition. Most people I know have never even heard of Crohn's, let alone have any idea of what it is like.

When I was in hospital friends just assumed I would have an op and then be 'cured'. Fortunately for me I am not sick but makes it hard for people to understand why I take so many medications, need time off for blood tests, doctors appointments, tests etc.

I dont think there is an ideal time but I try to be as upfront as possible, pretty hard to hide the fact I have something wrong when there is a scar running right down the centre of my stomach. I just try to educate people as best as possible and hopefully even if they do a runner this time it may make them want to become better educated next time they meet someone with Crohn's.

 

[kello82]

hi!

im 20. i have a stoma. and im a chick. LOL so i suppose i can give some advice here...

i am very open about everything about my crohn's and ostomy. but that doesnt mean i bring it up outright. what i do when im talking to someone new is just go with the flow. if the conversation goes off in a different direction then dont bring it up yet. whats important is that the person gets to know YOU. the way i look at it, is if someone goes "what?! i didnt know all of this, i feel like i dont even know you, youre hiding things from me!", my answer is that no you know me. you KNOW ME. you dont know my life. but you know me.
and thats whats important. you dont owe them a play by play of your life. if its not something you WANT to talk about? then dont! be yourself, be comfortable, you know?
now it does get to a point where like you want them to know. but thats key, its when you WANT them to know, not that you feel like you SHOULD tell them.
what i do then is bring it up, but in a roundabout way. i am not and never ever have been one to talk about or complain about my medical stuff. unless someone asks how are you feeling today, i wont tell anyone that i just barfed up my life, you know what i mean? its not that i am shy about it, its just....to me its like telling someone "i got dressed this morning!". haha ummm good for you? dealing with crohns and everything that comes with it is just an everyday part of my life, nothing special, nothing more than what i had for breakfast. thats how it feels to me anyways.
BUT like i said ok so you get to a point where you want them to know. so you bring up a topic that would lead to it. for me, i could bring up jobs/work and stuff like that. i could tell them about how i used to work at pacsun and loved interacting with customers and would like to get back soon. again, you are totally being yourself. this is a conversation about YOU not the details of your life. so then they might ask "well why dont you work there now?" etc etc. "well i havent been able to work for a couple years. been dealing with some medical **** thats kind of putting work and school opportunities on hold, but you know things are a bit better so im thinking about doing..." whatever. mention the situation, but then continue on talking about who you aer. that you are thinking about.......taking an art class now that you have the ability to.
if they are curious, then they will ask oh no what kind of medical problems? are you ok?
and if they dont ask well then you did your part to let them know, just not in detail yet. and thats fine.

actually an AWESOME way to work on this, go join an online dating site. seriously. i mean there are a lotta weird people not gonna lie, but it is an awesome tool to work on getting comfotable with conversation and just talking better you know? figuring out how to speak so that it is 100% you. talk with people youd never actually date, thats fine. have some conversations and practice talking about your crohns and seeing how different people react. and if you totally embarrass yourself hahaha then you never have to speak to this person ever again as the sites are pretty anonymous.
yeah?

just be you. and get a feel for who the other person is. if its your style to say "essentially.....i crap out of the side of my abdomen into a little baggie and i do not poo out my butt. ever." and they have the personality to laugh at that? then do it! trust me, sometimes that kind of blunt honesty is so awesome, it changes people, because that level of openness makes them feel safe to be open as well. i have had people i dont even know tell me their own personal secrets that they dont tell their best friends. just because i share with them all of my crap/butt issues lol.
dunno if thats you, but thats just the way i like talking to people.
also, i have things about my crohns and ostomy on my fb, so anyone who im friends with on there, which is pretty much anyone i would ever meet in person, everyone already knows.
if i meet a guy online, like im not gonna meet him in person before i feel comfortable enough to give him my full name so we can stalk eachother on fb lol, so there ya go right there, if i havent brought it up yet then i say um btw gnarly pics of my stomach from a surgery on there so do not be alarmed lol. i had this one guy tell me he passed out i was like what the eff are you kidding me? so now i warn people in case they are pansies....

allright well i hope that helps, good luck with it all!

 

[Nyx]

I also have an ostomy (Oscar is his name ). I just started college 2 weeks ago and I've told everyone in my class about him. You know how you get to the first class of the year and the teacher does the inevitable "Tell us something interesting about yourself"? While everyone else was saying that they "love to play video games" or "sports", I told them that I was very sick with Crohn's and had a colostomy last December, so if they heard any weird noises coming from me, it's really Oscar and I can't control it...lol. I can't give you any advice on the dating thing, since I'd already been with my bf for 3 years when I got Oscar. He's been incredibly supportive, and yes, I'm very lucky Just be yourself. If you don't want to tell anyone, don't..and if you do, great. What's the worst that's going to happen? They're not going to like you? Then they weren't worth knowing in the first place.

Any questions regarding your surgery, feel free to ask. As mentioned, there's a stoma subforum and most of us don't bite!

Good luck!

 

[merrywidow]

my 2p worth,

people who dont have crohns will never trully understand crohns.

 

[seaofdreams]

my 2p worth,

people who dont have crohns will never trully understand crohns.

While this is true, I think it's important to find people who care enough to do whatever they can to understand it to the best of their ability

 

[Jer's Girl]

I always thought that “people who don’t have Crohns will never understand it” too, but that was until I met my husband. It is true that he doesn’t have the disease himself, but he has to live with it almost as much as I do and he is wonderfully supportive. True, he didn’t always understand it. When we were first going out, the big hippy could not believe that vegetables would make me sick. It took me getting an ostomy and having a surgeon explain to him what I could and could not eat before he would really believe it! Still, while no human being can completely understand what another goes through, he is very understanding and has been there with me for almost four years now.
I got a stoma this year, before I got married (this July) but I was already dating my now husband. I don’t know what dating with a stoma would have been like, but I know that dating with Crohns was hard enough as I was very shy and not very comfortable talking about my disease yet.
I found that what finally helped me was to just be honest and unembarrassed about it. If you act uncomfortable it will make the other person uncomfortable. If you act like it is no big deal then it will be. I have been very open with others about my stoma and people have been cool about it.
True, I have lost friends and potential boyfriends to this disease, but the people who did stick around are worth so much more than the people who didn’t. I think having a disease like this is very useful in helping you weedout the people who are worthwhile from the people who would ultimately let you down any way.
Having a stoma really isn’t that bad. I got married with the stoma and everything went great. I know that it can be hard to deal with, but I honestly believe that my stoma was a blessing. Good luck to you and I hope you meet someone wonderful.